The Life I Now Live (7 page)

“Where you hunt for something romantic?”

“No. Was just wondering.”

To be honest, I was done with hunting.

Ch. 10 | Patrick

I woke up on Christmas Eve to snowflakes on my window and sweat all over my body. You could say I was nervous. Or you could say I was freaked out beyond belief. Both were true. 

What if she didn’t choose me? She hadn’t tried to contact me since I left. Or anyone else for that matter. I wasn’t a heart on the sleeve kind of guy. I kept it tucked inside my shirt and put it on my sleeve only when I fell in love. Which so far had only been twice. Rejected the first time, I didn’t want to be rejected again. But Heidi was worth the risk. 

I showered and put on my best shirt, a nice pair of dark jeans, and the only pair of nice boots I owned. Then I stared in the mirror for five minutes having pretend conversations with Heidi where I professed my love, she finally told me she loved me, and we embraced and kissed for the first time. The first real time. I put my hands in my pockets and said goodbye to my reflection.

The drive to Heidi’s was longer than normal because of the snow. I took my time and considered all of the possible outcomes. If she flat out rejected me, I’d move on. If she cried and hugged me, but couldn’t answer right away, I’d give her more time. And finally, if she told me she loved me I’d buy an engagement ring the next day. Out of curiosity, I’d been looking at rings for weeks. I knew exactly what she would like and it looked nothing like the solitaire diamond Andy gave her. Not that I felt the need to compete with him. I wanted her to love him and retain his memory in her heart forever. He was Riley’s father. I knew she’d end up calling me daddy eventually, at least I imagined so. But she shouldn’t forget who her real dad was either. That was important to me. I knew my place in Heidi’s heart and the thought of Andy didn’t threaten me. More than anything I felt threatened by my own feelings. I didn’t want to ruin things by pushing too much, but I literally ached when I couldn’t see her. Yes, I loved Emily a lot and went through quite a bit of pain when she died, but I never longed for her with the same intensity I longed for Heidi. Maybe it was my age. A few years older. A few experiences wiser. Life taught me a lot the last few years and I didn’t have energy for games. My heart wanted to be with this woman and I couldn’t change that. Believe me, I tried. Seeing that ring on her finger made it easy to want to move on, but every time I tried I only realized how much more I loved her. How much I’d give up anything for her happiness.

I pulled up in front of her house and wiped my palms on my jeans. Lights were on in her living room and Riley’s room. I turned the car off and waited until I could see my breath in the air.

Her gift, neatly wrapped in pink and silver stripes, sat next to me. The gift that spoke of our relationship. The gift that would hopefully show her that what we had was unique. That our future together would be amazing.

I tucked the present under my arm, opened my door, and set off to the unknown. 

My hands shook as I knocked on the door. No answer. I peeked through the curtains. Nothing but the glowing Christmas tree and mountain of presents underneath. I knocked again and waited.

Still nothing.

I fumbled around my pockets and pulled out my keys. Still had her spare. I unlocked the door and entered. Quiet. Didn’t want to wake anyone. The pine scent of the tree filled the air. Along with some kind of baked cinnamon treat. Maybe an apple pie. I walked toward the tree to set the gift with the others and heard a sound.

I stopped and listened. A slight creaking, rocking sound. Probably Heidi putting Riley to sleep. I sat on the couch, wondering if I should wait for her to come downstairs or just leave the gift. The note at the end told her what to do next. I liked the idea of not being there when she opened it. I stood and the rocking sound increased. I walked to the bottom of the steps. A man grunted, obviously in pleasure, then the rocking slowed and stopped.

Didn’t take much to realize the woman I desired with all my heart refused to be with me, but was sleeping with another man. On Christmas Eve of all nights.

I took the gift back to my car and sped off, slipping on the ice and regaining control of my car. Why did I fall in love with women who couldn’t love me back? I wanted to punch myself in the face. Over and over until blood poured from my nose and spelled out the words,
It’s never worth it.

Ch. 11 | Heidi

Okay, so he was my husband. It’s not like I could deny him my body. In his eyes, I had no reason to. His return from the “dead” should’ve elated me, but for the life of me I couldn’t get Patrick out of my head. Andy practically forced himself on me, thinking it was romantic, you know, with the snow dancing outside on Christmas Eve. So I laid there as he used my body for pleasure. No, not just physically. He needed to feel connected to me again. To feel like we were still one, even though the time and distance had torn us apart.

I let him do his thing as I imagined Patrick. An adulteress. That’s what I felt like. It killed me. Faithfulness was important to me. Being a good wife, mother, friend. Those things were vital to me. About as vital to me as the romance Andy and I lacked.

He finished his need for connection and rolled over. We stared at the soft blue light on the ceiling. Silence chilled the heat between us, wrapping us in its bitter wind. I wanted to love him, but our marriage died when he left. He turned over and touched my cheek. His warmth felt like ice cubes on my skin. I jerked away, then apologized. He touched my shoulder instead.

“What’s happened to us, bug?” he said, eyes searching my face for clues.

I couldn’t tell him that somehow, without being aware of it myself, another man stole my heart and ran away with it. With every part of me I believed my heart was safe. Protected from the care of any man besides Andy. Reserved for when he returned to sweep me off my feet and carry me into a dream. Only he didn’t do any sweeping and my heart, somehow, made its way to Patrick’s dustpan.

“What are you thinking?” he said. The man I once adored.

“I’m wondering how to get my heart back.” I wiped a tear from my face, thankful that I didn’t realize my love for Patrick until now. If I had told him this would’ve been even worse.

“I didn’t expect it to be like this,” Andy said, moonlight reflecting in the whites of his eyes. “I thought you’d be excited and we’d live happily ever after.”

“I did too.” I sniffed.

“What happened?”

“Life happened. You are mostly the same guy who left. I’m not the same girl you left standing here.”

“I still love you.”

Yes, I knew that. For so long I envisioned this day. Thought for sure Andy would come home stronger, less paranoid, more in love with me, brimming and bubbling with romance galore. A new beginning. A beautiful fresh start. A damp spring morning after months of freezing cold.

Nothing seemed beautiful about my life right now. Even my precious daughter brought confusion and pain. 

I thought of Tylissa who had a husband facing death penalty and Sarah dealing with pain after burning her entire body. It seemed like a cruel joke. Just when life starts getting good something happens to crush every dream you thought you had. Reality sets in. Waters down the mood. Flattens every romantic notion the heart believed in.

Life is not like the movies. It’s not perfect. It’s flawed, like a puzzle with missing pieces. Never complete. Never whole. Always searching, climbing, trying to figure out the impossible puzzle of this life, but in the end you’re only left with a mess to clean up. Everything seemed unfair. 

Why? Why? Why?

In silence, the ever accompanying silence, Andy and I took a bright-eyed baby downstairs to open Christmas gifts. She didn’t know what to do with them, except try to eat the paper, so we unwrapped them for her and smiled as she smiled. What a strange Christmas. Andy hadn’t left the house since he came back. The only time I left was to get a Christmas tree and groceries. 

We tossed all the wrapping paper in a trash bag, then Andy pulled something out of the couch cushions.

“For you.” He handed me a small rectangular gift.

“I’m sorry. I have nothing for you. Didn’t know you’d be here.”

He shook his head. “I didn’t get you anything big.”

I unwrapped the paper and saw our faces smiling back. Young and excited. “Is this—?”

“It is. The first time you sang the song for me. The one you wrote for your future husband.”

I held the faces in my hand. Faces of people I didn’t know anymore. “I don’t remember taking a picture that night.”

“I took a quick one with my camera phone. Quality wasn’t as good with that phone, but good enough to have it printed.” He stood. “And I have another surprise.” He slipped a guitar out from under the couch. “I bought you another guitar. I know how much you loved to play and I always felt bad that we had to sell it to pay the bills, so I bought you another.”

I smiled. “Thank you. That’s sweet of you.” I didn’t ask how he made money when he was gone. 

“One more surprise.” He opened the guitar case. “I learned to play a song. See if you can remember what it is.”

I see you smiling there

on the back of my eyes.

And when I open them wide

I see no one in sight.

And I’m looking for the face,

Looking for my love.

Where could he be tonight?

And so I find myself,

Lost and waiting.

Looking for the one 

who’ll make my dreams come true.

We will walk this life together.

Hand in hand, dreams in tow,

Pulled in a little red wagon

With a little white bow.

We will dance under streetlights.

Kiss beneath the stars.

With a smiling moon above us,

We will disappear together.

Lost in all we have.

Cuz if home is where the heart is,

Then my home is here with you.

And I...

Don’t wanna bother you sir,

But could you tell me one thing?

Could you walk this life together

With nothing else but me?

Am I all that you need?

I tried to smile as he set the guitar aside and handed me a frame with the song lyrics inside. I wrote that song for my future husband and sang it to Andy when we first met. The day we believed we finally found our true home in each other as we danced by the crackling fire with hearts in our eyes. We were in love. We were happy. 

I kissed him on the cheek and thanked him for learning the song.

He set the guitar down. Stared at me. Waited. For a reaction I couldn’t provide.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I really am.”

“You are doing the best you can, Andy. I appreciate it.”

“But the way you used to look at me. That sparkle in your eyes is gone.”

“I know you don’t remember because you were so wrapped up in your new job and friends, but that sparkle was gone before you left. It was gone way before the chaos of the life we now live.”

“Not like it is now.” He sat on the floor with Riley. I couldn’t get over his beard and long Axl Rose hair. I’m assuming he felt the need for a disguise. Quite strange.

“I’m trying to adjust,” I said. “I think the best thing we can do is start over without pressure. We need to fall in love again. With the people we are now. The longer we spend trying to recapture what we had in the past, the longer we will be frustrated.”

He nodded. I sat next to him on the floor. Touched his hand.

“Let’s take our rings off,” he said. “We’ll get new ones when the time is right.”

He reached for my hand and slid my rings off with ease, as though the coldness of my heart crept into my hands and made it easier to remove them. A tear slid down my face and stopped on my neck. Then he held his hand for me to do the same.

Hesitant, I pulled back. “Are you sure?”

He nodded. With the same gentle deliberateness that I put his ring on, I took it off. We set them on the table beside us and looked at each other. Absent words. Broken dreams. Nothing left to say except maybe, just maybe, love would fill our hearts again.

If, and only if, I could erase the other man from mine.

Ch. 12 | Patrick

Maybe to Lancaster with Gavin and Ella. Somewhere. Anywhere but Philly. I needed to get away. The memories in Philly seemed to pile up like a mountain of dog crap. Not exactly the kind of memories you want to cherish.

I called Gavin. “Hey, man. Tell Ella she got her wish.”