The Life I Now Live (11 page)

But . . . when most people find a flower growing from the sidewalk they step on it or yank it out like a weed. It’s not normal. Not allowed. Like our love.

I needed to let her go.

I plowed through clients and decided to meet the guys for dinner. Absolutely no talking about Heidi. I warned them ahead of time. Time for me to pretend like my heart wasn’t hers. The better I pretended, perhaps the more real it would become.

I met Gavin, Matt, Reese, James, and my old buddy from high school, Julian, at a local joint outside of Philly that served amazing local food alongside their specialty beer. Loved the atmosphere, and especially the bread and butter, so I requested the place. Everyone obliged and Gavin even traveled from Lancaster.

I got there first, reserved a table by the exposed brick wall, and waited for everyone to show up. Already ordered water and bread. Had a slice as I waited. Delicious. I mean, phenomenal. Never had anything like it before. They made their bread in-house. Crispy, but airy inside, dipped in a creamy pile of salted butter from a local farm. Seriously loved Pennsylvania for its farms and local produce. I ate a second slice as Julian walked in and spotted me. I waved him over and he sat down beside me, shook my hand and hit my back.

“Hey, man,” he said. “Been a year since I’ve seen you. How you been?”

“Been better, but I’m here to try to not think about it. So tell me about your life.”

“Ah, man, I ain’t got much good to say either. Life’s been crazy for me. Ain’t had much time to breath. Shit’s been hitting the fan like there ain’t no tomorrow.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“I got involved with the wrong crowd. Hard to find a job, man. I don’t know. I’m tired of life. Need a break.”

“I hear ya.”

Gavin and Matt walked over and sat down, followed by Reese and James. Within minutes we ordered three more rounds of bread. They liked it too. Anyone would.

“How’s Sarah?” I said to James after swallowing another bite.

“Okay, I guess. She’s handling it better than I am, but she doesn’t have to deal with the guilt I have. Thank God. Last thing she needs.”

“Do they know when she’ll come home?”

“Maybe by summer if all goes as planned. Hard to say. It sucks, dude. Seriously. Worst thing I ever endured. Seeing her like that. Her entire body is one big scar. My scars are all underneath my shirt and it’s not that bad. She hasn’t seen a mirror yet, but she says she would rather live without beauty than die beautiful. She told me real beauty doesn’t ever rot in a casket. It lives forever. She thinks she’s been given a second chance to gain this real beauty thing, but she already had that too. It’s not just her looks though, the girl’s gonna be suffering for years with surgeries and skin grafts and infections.” He exhaled and picked up his water.  “Anyway, enough depressing talk. We came here to enjoy ourselves. Sorry to vent.”

“Nah, man,” Julian said. “Don’t apologize. We all got our problems. Life ain’t life unless it’s got conflict.”

“True,” Matt said, raising his glass. “The best stories in the world are so amazing because in the end the goal was worth the struggle.”

“Yeah,” Gavin said. “If it’s not worth fighting for then the story ends. There is no story without a fight.”

“What if you give up?” I said, another huge slice of bread in my hand. 

“Then there’s no more story,” Gavin said. “Maybe you stop reading and pick up another book.”

“What if every book you find reminds you of the first one, but doesn’t come close to touching its beauty? Do you go back and finish the other story? Or allow a new story to become better than the one you can’t forget?”

“What the?” Matt said. “Speak in English. What are you trying to say?”

I shrugged. “Never mind.”

“Nothing will ever be better,” Reese chimed in. “Just different. You are the only one who can decide which story is worth the obstacles.” He looked around the table. “Myra is back home now. She overstayed her visa. Now there’s no way I can see her unless I go to the Philippines. And I can’t become a citizen there easily. It’s a mess. Finally find everything you want and it’s stolen from you and shipped across the world.”

“Isn’t there anything you can do?” I said.

“I’m looking into it. You better believe I’ll fight like hell through these obstacles for her. She’s definitely worth it and I’m not interested in a different story, no matter how hard this one is right now.”

Wow. I listened to the guys talk about their own obstacles until the conversation lightened up and shifted gears toward which decade had the best music. I didn’t talk much the rest of the night. Listened. Wondered. Checked my phone every once in a while hoping for some sort of closure from Heidi. Anything. Anything at all. 

But I got nothing.

Ch. 17 | Heidi

Andy and I decided to move to Maryland. Not too far from Riley’s doctors. He told me to continue my business from home when I got to our new apartment, and we’d worry about selling the house on weekends. We’d live close enough that I could drive back and work with a realtor.

Honestly, I didn’t feel like I had a choice. As a married woman, I needed to stick by my husband. For better or worse.

He took a shower as I put Riley to sleep. We hadn’t left the house since New Years, so he told me to run out for some food and he would stay with the baby. When I opened the door a package fell on my feet. Pink and silver stripes. 

I picked it up and sat on the couch, then slipped the wrapping paper off and stared at the cover of a deep red scrapbook with the title, “The Story of Us.”

I flipped to the first page. Two broken hearts pasted next to each other. One said “Heidi” above it and the other said “Patrick.” I wiped my eyes and turned the page. A drawing of Patrick and I racing each other down the street. The note above it said,
The first night I realized I couldn’t live without you, even if it meant never being yours.
I read the rest of the book, reliving memories with Patrick and realizing how beautiful our time together was. No sex. No kissing. No passionate heated embraces. We were best friends. We loved each other inside out.

I turned to the last page. A fork in the road with him on one side and a question mark on the other. The note said
: Both paths lead to the unknown. We can never know what tomorrow brings. But if you choose the first path we will walk this life together. We will face the unknown in each others arms. If you choose the second path you will face the unknown without me. I’ve left the rest of the pages in this scrapbook blank, in hopes that one day we can fill the rest together. If you love me, just tell me and we will start our life together. I am nothing without you. I love you, butter.

I tried not to cry, but couldn’t help it. Andy rustled upstairs. I hid the book under the couch cushions and went upstairs.

“Hey,” I said to Andy. “Can we order a pizza? I don’t feel like going out right now.”

“You okay?” he said. “Looks like you’ve been crying.”

“Pizza okay?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll go order it.”

I went to the kitchen and pulled my phone from the charger. Two missed text messages. Pat.
I can’t do this. I’m trying to let you go, but I don’t think I can unless I’m dead. Heidi, please tell me how you feel.

I thought for a minute. All cried out. Ignoring his text, I ordered a pizza and sat at the kitchen table. Another text from him.
You there?

I typed back.
Pat, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t tell you why, but I’m moving. Please let me go. We can’t be together.

I waited. Ashamed to hit send. Ashamed to choose the path without him. Didn’t want to break his heart. He had been through so much with Emily. I so longed to love him the way he deserved. But I couldn’t. I shouldn’t have led him on in the first place.

I hit send. 

A single tear landed on the kitchen table. Next to my phone. I waited for him to respond, but he never did.

Pizza came. Andy walked downstairs, smiling. He hugged me and sat down at the table. In anxiety disguised by quiet peace, we ate dinner. 

“You look like you’ve lost weight,” I said. “Are you okay?”

“I feel fine,” he said.

We finished eating and spent the rest of the evening watching a Julia Roberts movie.

I fell asleep and when I woke at 3a.m. Andy was still watching movies.

“Can’t sleep,” he said. “It’s not fear. I just haven’t been able to sleep right lately.”

“I will call and find an apartment in Maryland tomorrow. Once I secure one we will move.”

“No. We need to move tomorrow. We can’t stay here. They’ll kill us.”

I yawned. “Come upstairs with me. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

He turned the television off and scanned the front yard before following me up the stairs. I sighed.

The next few hours I barely slept as Andy tossed and turned, grunting and moaning, unable to sleep. His body was covered in sweat even without blankets and at random moments it looked like he was combing his hair in his sleep.

I tapped him at 6a.m. “You okay?”

He shot out of bed and ran to the window. “Where are they?”

“Who?”

“Did you hear that?”

“Andy,” I said. “We need to talk. I need to be honest with you about something.”

“I know you think I’m crazy. I’m not, Heidi. You have to believe me. You of all people.”

“It’s not that. It’s about a guy I met when you were away.”

Ch. 18 | Patrick

I never believed I was a hero, so I didn’t pretend to be one. She wanted me to let her go, so I did. At least physically. I wouldn’t call or text or try to see her. Not unless she wanted to. I know women say things they don’t mean sometimes. When they want you to stay they tell you to go away. It’s a game, really. A test to see if the man loves her enough to stay even when she begs him to leave. My grandfather once told me, “Always go after the girl. No matter what she says. Chase her.”

I understood that. Sounds wonderful. Sounds romantic. But I did my chasing and she obviously meant what she said. She didn’t want me in her life. Maybe it was too hard to let go of Andy. Maybe she fell in love with me and hated that she did.

I didn’t want that for her. All I wanted was to see her smile. So I let her go, as she wished.

A few days passed and I got used to the idea. I finally walked away from my past and I needed to toss my memories of Heidi into that bin too. The bin of cast away dreams.

Gavin convinced me that I’d find someone for me. Someone who completed me. Thing is . . . I wasn’t looking for completion or romance or lovey-dovey hand holding in the park. In fact, I wasn’t looking for anything. She showed up and stole my heart and my life wouldn’t be the same without her. I didn’t want a wife, completion, whatever. I wanted Heidi.

I stayed late in my office. Staring at my computer screen. My secretary left hours before. I couldn’t move. Nothing to do. Nowhere to be. Bored out of my mind.

I skimmed the contact list in my phone and settled on Miranda.

“Hey, Patrick,” she said. “How’s everything going?”

“It’s going nowhere. What are you up to?”

“Nothing much. Derek just left for Virginia, thankfully. About to lose my mind with his unwanted opinions on everything. Nora is still here. She’s leaving tomorrow.”

“You two weirdos getting along?”

“Yeah.” She laughed. “Couldn’t convince her to dye her hair purple though.”

“Good.”

“What? You don’t like my multi-colored locks?”

“No. Definitely prefer normal women, but that’s okay. You have Derek.”

“I don’t have Derek and he certainly doesn’t have me.”

“Yeah. You’re just too busy looking at the world around you to notice.”

“I’m not ready to settle down. Anyway, what’s on your mind tonight? Need something? Highly unlike you to call someone as normal as me.”

I almost laughed. “How’s Heidi?”

“I wish I knew. She hasn’t talked to me since New Years Eve. Ignores my texts. I stopped by her house the other night to make sure she was okay. Saw the light on upstairs so I assumed she just needed space.”

“Why would she ignore you too?”

“No idea. Hopefully it’s just a phase.”

“She sent me a vague text. Said she’s moving. Any idea why or where?”

“Nope. Never said anything to me about it.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Why don’t you go over there? Knock on the door and make her talk to you.”

“I’m not that kind of guy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not just going to show up.”

“Maybe that’s what she needs.”

I hung up with Miranda and an email popped up on my computer. Looked like spam, but I accidentally opened it instead of deleting it.