The Life I Now Live (12 page)

From: Secret Admirer 

To: Patrick Weldon

Subject: Here goes nothing 

Dear Patrick,

I’m not going to tell you who I am. Not yet at least. I was told you are going through some heartbreak because of a girl who doesn’t love you the way you love her. I was also told that you wouldn’t want to talk to me because of that, so I thought I’d email you instead. I got your email from a mutual friend. Don’t try to guess who.

I’m writing because I saw you at a New Years party at Matt and Lydia’s house. You didn’t notice me because of the girl you were after, but I noticed you.

Maybe it’s weird, but it was love at first sight for me. The first time I saw you I knew I could spend the rest of my life with you. I think if you saw me it would be mutual.

Let me know if you’d be willing to meet me. I’d love to get to know you. Maybe we could talk on the phone first?

Love,

Your One True Love

I immediately called Matt.

“Who put you up to this?” I said. “I’m not falling for your dumb pranks. It’s not funny.”

“Whoa,” Matt said. “Calm down. What are you talking about?”

“My secret admirer. I know this is a prank. I’m not stupid.”

“Seriously have no idea what you’re talking about, dude.”

“I got an email from an address [email protected] who claims to be a girl from your party at New Years. She’s claiming we are destined for each other.”

He laughed. “I’m not a part of this. Sounds interesting though. What did she say?”

“Wants to meet up or talk on the phone. Saw me at the party. Were there girls at your house I hadn’t met before?”

“Let me think.” He paused for a few seconds. “There were a few. Myra brought another girl from the Philippines. Super beautiful and she was very quiet and nice. Then there was another girl. I think she was a friend of Miranda. Other than that and the girl you brought, I have no idea.”

“This better not be a prank.”

“Why? Do you like having a secret admirer?”

“I’m just not in the mood for games.”

“I’d say meet her. Can’t hurt to go on a date.”

“Do you remember how those blind dates turned out for you?”

He laughed.

“Yeah, not interested.”

We ended our conversation and I stared at the email. Spam wouldn’t have had all the references to Matt’s house. I hit reply.

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Here goes nothing

Dear person, if you are a real person,

I’m sorry to seem so rude, but I have no interest in dating right now. I’m sure you are a wonderful person and would make a great wife, but you won’t be my wife. Find a man who can love you right. Don’t chase after me because I’m heartbroken. Why do girls do that anyway? You can’t save me. No one will compare to the one I love. If I can’t have her, I don’t want anyone else. I hope you don’t take it personal, but my heart belongs to her. Always will.

I hope you find someone better than what I can give. And I’m sure you will, because I have nothing to give.

Patrick 

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Here goes nothing

I understand. Could we just be friends? Wanna meet me at Starbucks tonight at 7pm? If not, maybe we could just email. I could use a friend right now. 

I responded and told her I’d email, but nothing else. Didn’t want to give her any ideas or false hopes. Being heartbroken is contagious and I didn’t want to see anyone as sick as me.

Ch. 19 | Heidi

I tried to tell Andy about Patrick, but he said, “If you didn’t kiss or have sex with him, I don’t care. I’m back now and I know you love me.” I did love him, of course. But things changed. Now I loved him because he needed me, not because I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I could imagine it, because it happened.

We packed a few suitcases and loaded up my car. Andy wanted to leave first thing in the morning. He thought “they” wouldn’t be watching if we left earlier. I agreed so long as we could take my car.

We left at sunrise. Riley played in the backseat as we drove off in silence. I left a message on a realtors phone the night before. Hopefully I’d have no problems selling the place.

Andy didn’t have a destination. We drove south and he said we’d know when we found our new home, just like we knew we were home when we found each other. I tried to smile. Tried to resurrect my feelings for him, but the love I had for him was different now. Less romantic and more sacrificial. Maybe that’s true love, I thought to myself. When you love someone more than yourself, more than your own hopes and dreams.

Movies and books accentuated sensualism and romanticism. I never liked that. Almost boycotted it most of my life. Probably because it made me feel inadequate, like my dreams could never be attained and I’d live my life depressed because of it. I let go of my hopes for the perfect love story, but couldn’t it be just as beautiful to stay faithful to someone your entire life even when emotions are absent? Emotions come and go, it’s how much we love when they go that shows what kind of person we really are. 

I didn’t want to be selfish. Andy was a good guy. He loved me as much as he could love a person. It may not had been the love story of my dreams, but the beauty of some love stories isn’t so much in the highs as it is the lows.

Our drive south was peaceful. Riley did well, although I had to climb in the back and nurse her a few times. We ended up in Baltimore, but Andy feared being so close to D.C. so we traveled further west to Frederick County, right by the West Virginia line. We checked into a hotel and planned to find an apartment the next day.

Life has a way of tripping you. Just when you think you’re walking along to a better path, the road starts shaking and the earth cracks. You fall into a ditch and realize that you can’t get out. Two options, sit in the ditch and complain the rest of your life. Or, sit in the ditch and tell yourself the view is quite beautiful. 

I figured I’d spend my life telling myself, but never really believing, that the view is better from the depth of a canyon than it is from the height of a mountain. 

I thought about her words for so long that she picked her book back up and read until she fell asleep. I turned the light off and went to my room. I wasn’t content in my singleness. Not at all. I didn’t want a friend. I wanted a husband. Someone to experience life with. All of life. Ups and downs and in-betweens.

I woke up in the middle of the night to the hotel’s rattling heater. Riley slept beside the bed in a pack-n-play. Sweet, peaceful baby. I turned to Andy. Sweat covered his body. Again. I watched him sleep. Put my hand against his chest. His heart was racing. Really fast. He moved his hands. Eyes still closed. Looked like he was trying to button his shirt, only his shirt had no buttons.

I tapped his shoulder. He flung his body into a sitting position.

“Andy, you’re doing weird things in your sleep. Are you okay?”

He exhaled. “Where are we?”

“In the hotel.”

“I can’t sleep. I just lay here all night. Every night.” His speech was slow and slurred.

“You need to see a doctor. I think something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong. I can’t sleep, that’s all.”

“We’re going to the doctor tomorrow, Andy. If you don’t I am going to call the cops on you and tell them everything.”

His head hit the pillow. “Where are we?”

“The hotel.”

“Which state?”

“Maryland.”

Ch. 20 | Patrick

A week passed since I last spoke with Heidi. Hate to sound pathetic, but I caved in and went to her house. Still had my spare key, so I walked in when no one answered the door. House was clean. Wherever she went she didn’t take much.

I saw an envelope addressed to me on the kitchen table. After smelling it, I opened it and read. 

Dear Patrick,

I’m so sorry to have brought you into the mess of my life. There’s so much more than I’ve shared. Andy made me promise not to tell a soul. I hope you can appreciate my desire to keep promises, no matter what it costs me.

I’ve realized some things, Pat. My time with you taught me a lot. You’ve shown me that the heart can live again after it stops beating. You’ve shown me that true love starts from the inside and works its way out. And more than anything ... you’ve shown me that two people can love each other mutually, more than they love their own selves.