The Life I Now Live (15 page)

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: What are you up to

Bored. What are you doing tonight?

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: What are you up to

Thinking of you. If we have a boy first, what do you want to name him?

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: What are you up to

Vanilla Ice.

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: What are you up to

Wow! We are meant to be! That’s exactly what I was thinking. 

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: What are you up to

I was thinking a lot today and I realized that I have spent the last few years “getting over” things. Dealing with life. Forcing myself to breath when I realize I’m so stressed that I forget to breathe normally.

When I was skateboarding (thank you for that) I felt that wind on my face and realized I was breathing again. I’m gonna be really honest with you because, well, because I don’t know you and that makes this easier. 

When I was a kid I was always the kid other boys came to when they needed advice. They’d ask me what to get their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. I was also the kid that never had a valentine. All the girls wanted to be my friend. They thought I was one of the girls or something because I was sensitive and paid attention to the needs of others. Anyway, I never dated much, but had a ton of girls who loved me like one of the girls.

When I met Emily she needed me. In a way the other girls didn’t. She opened up to me in ways she never did for anyone else. She told me about the abuse she experienced as a kid and how she felt. Because of this, I became the one person who loved every part of her, not just the parts she showed people. So naturally she thought she loved me too, even though she never really did. She couldn’t. I don’t blame her.

Sorry to write a novel here. What I’m trying to say is that when I met this other girl, Heidi, I tried desperately not to fall in love with her. When I first saw her she was pregnant. What kind of guy falls in love with a pregnant girl? It was beyond her appearance. Something happened when we made eye contact. Then we became close. Once again another girl considered me her best friend. I was there for the birth of her baby. I was there when Riley rolled over the first time and got her first tooth. I was there. All the time. We were inseparable. 

And something happened during those moments we spent together. Something changed in the way she looked at me. I knew she loved me. I knew it with every fiber of my being. And it was the first time I’ve ever felt that way in my life. Do you see what I’m saying? It was the first time in my life I looked at a woman, and she looked back at me, and we felt the same exact unexplainable love for each other.

That is true love. 

And when you find it once, you want to fight like hell to keep it forever. 

I like you. I think you’re funny. Smart. Probably absolutely stunning. But you have a lot to live up to if you want me to fall in love again. It’s only happened for me once and it was the highlight of my life.

There. Now that my heart is bleeding all over you.... Does any of that scare you away?

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: What are you up to

Dearest Patrick,

Thank you for that...

No. It doesn’t scare me away. All good things have to die one day. I have a history too. My past isn’t the most pretty thing in the world. My parents never really loved me. I wasn’t a boy. I tried to play baseball and football and hockey, meanwhile all the girls in my school were listening to the Backstreet Boys and trying to become figure skaters and horseback riders. Kinda funny, huh? You spent your life as one of the girls and I spent mine as one of the boys. Lol. 

So yeah, I dated a ton of guys. Little opposite of you there. But I never gave my heart away. Not until this one guy walked into my life. He said all the right things, did all the right things, and so yeah, I fell for him. Looking back though I realize that I didn’t really fall in love with him, I fell in love with the idea of him.

So fast forward through a bunch of hoopla and here I am. 

I know you don’t know me, but I’m asking you to give this a chance. We have our pasts. Okay. Lets throw them in the trash and move on.

If you just give me a chance to look into your eyes, just once, I bet it will be 5000 times better than what you experienced with Heidi.

So. Did I scare you away yet? If so, I was just kidding. If not, lets keep talking. 

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: What are you up to

This has got to be the craziest thing I’ve ever done in my life. 

You are a true weirdo. Now, time for bed. Talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight nameless wonder. 

Ch. 23 | Heidi

The next few days hummed by like meaningless scenes you fall asleep to during a movie. I drove back to Pennsylvania with Riley. Needed to meet my realtor, sign things, and go over stuff, then I came right back. Didn’t even step foot in the house. Didn’t want to. Ever again. Andy never left the apartment. I walked inside as he was carrying a piece of cardboard to the kitchen. He stopped, kissed my cheek, and kept going.

I stood in the empty living room as he duct-taped the cardboard to the window. Riley smiled as I bounced her on my hip. I tried to smile back. Tried to make her think life was normal. Everything was normal.

Everything was a disaster.

Andy clapped his hands together, pleased with his efforts, then turned to me. I raised my eyebrows, mouthed
ooookay
, and walked to the empty bedroom. Empty rooms galore. Andy didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a savings account, and no one knew my business in Maryland. My clients came to me via word-of-mouth and there wasn’t any word spreading outside of Philly.

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry anymore, especially not in front of Riley. Poor thing. She smiled her way through life, no idea that our world was making its way through a paper shredder. At least I had her. At least we had each other. And I’d never leave her. Never love myself more than I loved her.

Which made me wonder. Was Andy really the best thing for Riley? She needed a normal life. If I didn’t homeschool her she’d eventually have to face her peers with a big weird contraption on her leg, She’d definitely get made fun of and feel different. I can only imagine how much more the kids would say if they knew her father was running from men in black who no one ever saw but himself.

She pulled on the side of her playpen and tried to stand. Looked more like a leaning tower. She smiled at me, chubby cheeks and all. I squeezed her cheeks and kissed her lips. “You have no idea, little one.” She babbled and mumbled, then tried to take a step toward me. I grabbed one of her hands and placed my other hand under her short leg, trying to balance her so she could walk evenly. Her smile Windexed the cloudy sky and left no streaks, only blue as blue can be. For a few minutes I played with her on the floor, enjoying the sunshine, wishing it would last. I dreaded the surgeries and doctors and pain my baby would endure. Dreaded it more than I dreaded anything else. Soon she’d need me to have enough strength to blow her clouds away, and right now I barely had the strength to exhale.