The Life I Now Live (19 page)

I texted Miranda. Want to celebrate Riley’s first birthday tomorrow?

Miranda:
Whoa. You’re back? New phone number? I thought you were gone forever.

Me:
I’m back. Please don’t tell Patrick. I’m not ready to see him yet.

Miranda:
He has a secret admirer.

Me:
He does? Well, good, then he doesn’t need me anymore. Don’t tell him I’m back though. I need time.

Miranda:
Where’d you go?

Me:
A break. Meet me at the park by my house tomorrow. We can sing happy birthday to her there. 

Miranda:
You don’t care that he has a secret admirer?

Miranda:
Nope. Thanks for telling me though.

Me:
You sure you don’t care?

Miranda:
Never been so sure in my life. 

My eyes glazed over when I saw the shredded paper on my kitchen table. Patrick read my letter. Read it and ripped it up. My words must have meant nothing to him. Not when my actions were so strange. How could I expect him to take it well? I broke his heart. I needed to tell him the truth soon, but not yet. Not until my life felt somewhat normal again. I needed to sell the house, start over, and develop a new life that didn’t feel like a bad dream. And I needed to do it asap.

Ch. 28 | Patrick

Call it boredom, call it attraction, call it crazy, I don’t know what caused me to email her again, but I did. A simple, “Hey, how’s it going?” And within a half hour she responded. I kicked my feet up on my couch and read her words.

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Still there?

Hey Patrick,

I’m so glad you emailed again. I’ve been thinking about you. Listen, I want you to know that I found someone else. I think about you and wonder if what we could have had would’ve been wonderful, but you didn’t seem ready. Your heart isn’t here. It’s with Heidi. Trust me, I respect that. I really do. I’ve found a good guy and I want you to know that it won’t hurt my feelings if we stay friends. That’s all we can be now.

My heart did a three-sixty right inside my chest. Would’ve flipped right out and landed across the room if I didn’t sit down. Women entered and left my life at lightening speeds. I couldn’t keep up. Not sure I wanted to anymore, but as I reread her email a second time one thing stood out to me. She found someone else, but maybe, just maybe, judging by her tone, she’d give me one more chance. 

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Still there

Nameless wonder, I’m sorry I dropped off the face of the planet. I’m sorry for a lot of things I can’t help. I’m not a perfect person, and okay, so I’m not looking for a perfect person either. I know you found some great guy who probably deserves you more than I do, but when I read your email the first word that came to my mind was “shit!” I didn’t know I’d regret losing whatever strange relationship we had until you said that. This could be the unimaginable loneliness talking. It could be the brink of spring in the air and my friends all happily in relationships. I don’t know what it is, but right now I’m feeling an immense loss and sense of regret when I think of you finding someone else. Can he wait? Is it serious? Can we meet one time before you devote yourself to him for the rest of your life?

I hit send and waited. An entire hour and fourteen minutes. I cleaned my kitchen, vacuumed the floor, took a shower, counted sheep, and finally she responded.

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Still there?

I’m really sorry. I don’t know. I’m afraid you’re just saying that because you don’t want to lose another friend. We can still be friends, but if I meet you I want to marry you. Period. You have to choose before we meet.

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Still there

I have to choose right now? Or we can keep talking a few more weeks and see how it goes?

From: Secret Admirer

To: Patrick Wheldon

Subject: RE: Still there?

April 1st. You need to make a decision by April 1st. If you still want to meet at that point, we’ll meet on the condition that you must marry me whether you are attracted to me or not. If you don’t want to meet at that point I will never speak to you again. Deal?

From: Patrick Wheldon

To: Secret Admirer

Subject: RE: Still there

Deal

Ch. 29 | Heidi

Afew weeks of hard work in the coldest month of the year, at least to me, and I finally moved out of my house into a smaller apartment. Two bedrooms. Enough for Riley and me. That’s all we needed. It felt so good to walk away from that house. Not that I wanted to forget Andy, but I wanted to forget the house. Everything went downhill in that house. Way down the hill. Way down the hill and into a canyon.

I lost so much of myself within those walls. So much of what I wished I could’ve been. My dreams of a happy family with a happy baby. Instead, I lived a nightmare with Andy that I believed was real, only to find out he couldn’t decipher reality from fiction anymore. He died, really died this time, and my heart beat inside the container I now gripped. The urn filled with his ashes. Closure. Real closure.