The Life I Now Live (10 page)

“Have at it.” I laughed.

“Did you come here to see Heidi?” Gavin said. “She’ll definitely be surprised.”

“She’s here?”

“You didn’t know?”

I shook my head. “Where is she?”

“Upstairs feeding the baby.”

My heart didn’t hesitate, so my body followed it upstairs. I heard sniffing from a bedroom and walked right in. Heidi turned. Glassy eyes filled with pain. My hands shook as my vision muddied. Standing there, clutching my hands together, I gave her whatever was left of me.

“Heidi.” My lip wouldn’t stop shaking. “Listen to me, I love you. Okay? I can’t do this. My heart is all knotted up in you and it feels like I’m dying when we don’t talk. These last few weeks have been the worst of my life. I can’t live without you. I’d rather die.”

Her tears covered her lips. She tried to speak, but couldn’t. I moved toward her, touched her face, wanted to kiss her with every part of my existence. I looked down and took her hand. “Please, Heidi. Please let me love you.”

She covered her face with her arm and sobbed. Riley sat on the floor below us, staring up at me like nothing was wrong. I picked her up, kissed her, and set her back down.

“Some love stories don’t make sense. Stop trying to make it make sense. This is us. We are meant for each other. I don’t give a damn if I had to marry five people to discover the right one, but here I am. I made mistakes. I married for the wrong reasons and I was willing to devote my life to her. But she’s gone. Andy and Emily are gone. It’s us. Me and you. And it may not be your typical Hollywood chick flick, but we are meant for each other.” I noticed Heidi’s bare hand. No rings. “Please say something. Tell me why you are crying.”

She wiped her tears away and looked up at me, face still wet and flushed. “Pat.” She held back tears again, then said, “Patrick, I love you more than I ever thought I could love another person, but I can’t—” She grabbed Riley and ran out the door, sobbing again.

I stood there. Rejected. Again. For who knows what reason. 

I ran down the steps and through the crowd as they yelled “Happy New Year.” With confetti flying at my face, I opened the front door and pleaded with my entire body for her to wait. To come back. To tell me what I said wrong. 

She started her car and pulled away. From the middle of the street, out of breath and life, I yelled into the wintry air, “I love you.” Her car lights disappeared into the night and took my heart for the ride. Happy New Year.

My friends stood on the lawn, waiting for me to come back, most likely wondering if I had lost my mind. No, no, not the mind, I whispered inside. Just the heart. 

Ch. 15 | Heidi

Shattered. His face. Standing in front of me with tears hidden beneath his eyes. His heart. Spread out on the floor and ready for love. For me. For us.

It killed me. Ruined me. Like a paper ripped into a million tiny pieces and tossed into the sea. Washed away. Disintegrated. I drove away. I had no choice. Tears washed my face as Riley cried in the backseat. In my rearview mirror Patrick’s tired silhouette faded into a shadow in the night, clouded by my tears.

I love you, Patrick, I thought inside, trying not to convulse, trying to steer the car without crashing. I loved him so much. So, so much more than I ever thought I could love another man after everything I’d endured with Andy. More than passion and long talks. More than cozy movie nights and best friends. More than anything he could ever give me. I loved him because I couldn’t help myself. Period. Reasonable or not, I loved him.

Dear Juliet. I could relate to her pain. Black misery painted on a blood red heart. Death would be more bearable than life without Romeo.

I parked in front of my house. A figure moved in the vacant house across the street. For sale sign had been gone for weeks. I didn’t care tonight. My heart was beating, but only physically.

I needed to be strong for Riley, but I collapsed on my front lawn with her. Sobbing and drenching her with my broken heart, my incurable love and hopeless dreams.

A shadow hovered beside us. I jumped up, hugging Riley to my chest as she cried. Some kind of animal scurried off as I hurried to my house and opened the door, then locked it.

For a few minutes I stood there, breathing heavy and wishing for things I couldn’t have. For things to be different. I wished Andy had never left the first time, then I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Patrick. And now he left again, hoping I’d wait around with a messed up heart.

I put Riley to sleep and sauntered into my bedroom around 1a.m. The bed hadn’t been made from yesterday. Not typical for me. I climbed inside and felt a warm body.

Tucked under the blankets, Andy slept. Back again. So soon. I tugged his shoulder until he woke.

“Where were you?” he said without opening his eyes.

“A friends house.” I pulled the blankets to my chin and stared at the ceiling. “Andy, I want to leave with you next time. No more notes and random disappearances. Take me with you. I can’t stay here.”

He opened his eyes. “What about Riley?”

“I’ll just have to come back to Baltimore when she needs her surgeries. First one is this spring.”

“I can’t get on a plane. They are watching us. We will have to drive somewhere and ditch the car when we get there. We can live in the woods and I will hunt for our food.”

I turned to him. “I’m not doing that. Not with Riley.”

“It’s the only choice. That or death.”

I didn’t believe him. Didn’t believe any part of his strange stories. He took it too far. “You know what?” I said. “Some people would rather die than be without the person they love, but you have no problem leaving me for months at a time because you don’t want to die.”

“It’s also because I don’t want you to die.” He flung out of bed and ran to the window. “Duck, duck. Hurry.”

I rolled off the bed to the floor. Waited. 

“They’re here,” he whispered. “Don’t you hear the gun shots? They’re coming.”

“I didn’t hear gun shots.”

“Shhh. They’ll hear you.”

I stood and walked to the window. Andy pulled me to the ground.

“Are you crazy?” he said. “They’ll shoot you. Stay down.”

His hands trembled in the moonlight. I grabbed them. Held them.

“Andy, I can’t do this anymore.”

He put his hand over my mouth. “Quiet.”

I ripped his hand off. “I’m not doing this anymore. I don’t hear gun shots. There’s no one after us. Even if they were, I. Don’t. Care. I’m not living like this anymore.”

He fell to the ground and held his ears. “Watch out,” he screamed.

I stood. “They’re here. They’re here. Andy, we need to find a safe place. Let’s hide.”

He stood. “You saw them?”

I pointed out the window. “There’s no one here.”

“They were. I heard the gun shots.”

“Andy, maybe you need to go get some help at the hospital.”

“No.”

“I’m serio—”

“No.” His tone raised a few notches, but he quickly calmed down. “You don’t believe me, do you? You think I’m crazy.”

“What do you want from me? Since that job promotion and that stupid banking scandal you’ve went nuts. Talking about gangs and drones and poison in the water. You’re afraid to die, yes, that’s apparent. But you’re also afraid to live.”

He paced the dark room. “You don’t understand.”

“I don’t. That’s true. But can you try to understand me? Where I’m coming from? I have a baby who needs major medical treatment and a husband who keeps disappearing, changing his appearance, and coming back only to leave again. He tells me to pretend like he’s dead. To lie to everyone including his parents. And then he wants me to take my baby and run away with him to some unknown place because he fears death.”

“First of all, she’s not your baby. She’s ours. Second of all, if you believed me you’d understand why I’m doing this. It’s not out of fear, Heidi. It’s out of love for you and Riley. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“You’re already hurting me, Andy.” I shook the tears away. “Don’t you see? You’re killing everything that was ever good in me. My hope. My heart. It’s all dying.”

“Maybe I should just go.”

“That doesn’t solve the problem.”

“I will leave you alone forever.” He walked toward the door.

“Andy.” I touched his shoulder. “Don’t run from life. Or death. Just relax and live.”

He sat on the bed, slumped over. “But you don’t believe me. You just think I’m crazy.”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.” I sighed. “How about we move to Maryland? Or Virginia? Somewhere close to Riley’s doctors. We can start over.”

“I’ll need to go by a different name from now on, and be your brother or boyfriend or something. Otherwise it’s too obvious.”

I sat beside him and touched his face. How could I leave him? No matter how much Patrick loved me, Andy needed me. He needed someone to hug him. To tell him it would be okay. To try to make him better. Patrick wanted me, but my husband needed me, I told myself, over and over, as I stroked Andy’s unwashed hair.

Sure, it wasn’t a fairy tale, but if I valued emotions more than faithfulness and virtue, what kind of person would I be? It wouldn’t be fair to Andy or Patrick. Or myself. I longed to see Andy recover from this horrible period of life and truly open his eyes to life again. What a day it would be to see the man I married smile again. Really smile. 

Faithfulness, true and faithful love, never has limits. It will do whatever it takes, sacrifice all its desires, to see another person smile. That’s what I needed to do. 

My desires, my hope, my love for Patrick, it all needed to die so Andy could live again. 

Ch. 16 | Patrick

The heart has its limits. I could endure a lot. Plenty more than most men. All I wanted was honesty. Why couldn’t she love me? And why did she take her rings off? Did she fall in love with someone else?

I wanted answers. That’s it. She didn’t want me, fine. But at least give me a reason.

I drove to her house and set her gift against the front door, then drove away. Miserable.

Right before going to sleep I texted her. One last time.
I love you, sweet one. Goodnight
. Then I zonked out and woke up at noon the next day to my phone beeping. A text from Nora. I rolled over and went back to sleep until 1p.m.

I dreamt of Emily and woke up believing she was still alive, so I decided to visit her grave. Heidi most likely found the gift and made her choice.

I checked my phone when I got out of the shower. Nothing from Heidi. Just Nora thanking me—in sixteen texts—for bringing her to Philly. She loved the city. Miranda showed her around. I knew they’d get along. Both weird people. In a nice way, I mean. I think.

By the time I got to Emily’s grave the sun settled behind the trees, one last burst of light before dark. I sat in front of the stone and stared at the name of the girl that was born Emily Dalton and died with my last name. Poor soul. Never had the chance to live. Spent the first half of her life abused and the last half wishing she were never born.

“I wonder if you can hear me, Em.” I ran my fingers along the letters on the stone as the sun said goodnight and left me in the cold. “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the life you always dreamed of. You were just a little girl. I thought I could help you and fell in love with you in the process. Looking back, Em, I think I just fell in love with being your savior. Something I was never meant to be. I couldn’t be. You never gave me a chance to know you.” I stood. “I’m moving on now. I hope you understand. My heart is finally broken. It can’t handle anymore. I’m walking away tonight, Em. I’ll take your memory with me, but I’m starting over, rebuilding the heart I lost. I’m gonna build it into something new. I hope you are smiling down on me. I hope you’re better now.”

I pulled a picture of her from my wallet. Edges worn, color faded. It was the last picture of her before she lost all of her hair. Slight smile. Wind blown hair. Eyes on the camera, not on me.

I placed it in front of her gravestone. “Goodbye, Emily.”

The next morning I went to work hoping to feel renewed after the final goodbye to my past. Instead, I checked my phone five thousand times for a message from Heidi. I didn’t feel refreshed or rebuilt. I needed the love of my life to help me rebuild my life. There’s no way I could’ve imagined my life without her. Can’t even explain it. Sometimes people enter your heart like Gavin and Ella. Love at first sight, all dramatic and movie-like. Other times people enter your heart through friendship, slipping through the cracks like a flower in the midst of concrete slabs. That was Heidi and me. Somehow the seed fell into the fractured sidewalk and without knowing, love grew.