The Lightning-Struck Heart (31 page)

I winced. “Yeah, that sounds like something I would have said. It’s easier to be unabashedly sanctimonious when you’re eleven years old. The cynicism hadn’t quite set in.”

Ryan glanced over at me then back at the fire. “I don’t know. You’re still smug a lot of the time.”

“Ass. I am the definition of humble. But enough about me. Surely you started chasing after me because you wanted to tell me just how right I was and apologize for everything you’d ever done. Be absolved of your sins to lead a righteous life.”

“No,” Ryan said. “I wanted to kick the shit out of you.”

I couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that came out at that. “That’s… I don’t know what that is.”

He shrugged. “The truth. You made me mad.”

“I tend to do that.”

“You turned that corner down the alley and I
knew
you were caught.”

“I saw the wall and thought I was fucked.”

“That’s because you were,” he said. “And yet you still turned and faced us. You looked me in the eyes and then the next thing I knew, the alley was filled with people and your mom and dad and Morgan were threatening me, and I was
positive
that Morgan was going to make my nipples explode.”

“Still one of my better rumors.” I grinned up at him. “People
still
think he can do that. I would say I’m sorry for turning you to stone, but honestly, I’m really not.”

He smiled again. I thought I saw a flash of teeth. “Didn’t think you would be.”

“In fact, I should probably thank you.”

“For?”

“If you hadn’t chased me that day, I’d have never turned you to stone and Morgan wouldn’t have found me. If you think about it, you’re sort of responsible for everything that happened afterward.”

“That’s… one way of looking at it.”

I beamed at him. “Thanks for being a teenage dick bag, Ryan.”

“Exactly what I was aiming for,” he said, dry as dust.

“Then you succeeded admirably.” I laid my head back down on my pack and looked back up at the stars. “What happened then?”

He was quiet for a moment. Then, “You left.”

“To the castle.”

“Yeah. It was all anyone could talk about. ‘Little Sam and his magic.’ ‘Little Sam would be a wizard.’ ‘Little Sam ascended from the slums into Castle Locke.’” It was said without a hint of bitterness. In fact, if I had to put a name to the tone in his voice, I would have thought it was something like pride. “Before then. You’d never done anything like that?”

“No,” I said. “Not once. Morgan thought it might have been a combination of being close to puberty and a survival instinct. It manifested itself then because I needed it to. You know. Because you were an asshole.”

“You’re welcome,” he said.

I narrowed my eyes. “Why are you dashing and immaculate now?” I demanded. “People like Nox don’t grow up to be people like you. You should be overweight and balding and have no teeth and awful body odor to go with your surly attitude. But no! You’re all muscular and gorgeous and sassy and awesome and holy fucking shit I am not talking right now.” Because what the fuck was I thinking? Why could I never keep my mouth shut?

And his smile was
blinding
.

“Oh crap. That’s not what I meant to say. At all. Oh, look over there. There’s a tree that looks like a dragon. That’s surely a sign.”

“Right. A sign that you needed a distraction and have failed miserably at finding one.”

“Says you. It was a perfect distraction. We’re talking about it, aren’t we?”

“Uh-huh. Muscular
and
gorgeous, you say?”

“From a purely clinical standpoint,” I assured him. “Absolutely nothing more.”

“Absolutely nothing more.”

I
despised
when he repeated my own words back to me and made them sound absolutely ridiculous. “At least some things don’t change. You were a bastard then and you’re a bastard now. Sometimes.”

“Sometimes,” he said, the grin never wavering. “Is that right?”

I scowled at him. “I take it back. All of the time.”

“You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?”

“The effect you have on people.”

That… was odd. I had never really thought about it, to be honest. I didn’t go through life wanting to affect other people. I wanted to learn magic and become a wizard. I wanted Morgan to be proud of me and confident in my abilities. I wanted my mom to smile every day and my dad to be able to put his feet up at the end of the day and not worry about what tomorrow would bring. I wanted Gary and Tiggy to never again know the sting of a whip or the confines of a cage. I wanted Ryan. I wanted Ryan to be happy and alive and to smile all the time. I wanted more, but since that couldn’t happen, I would take what I could get.

“The King said you didn’t smile,” I blurted out.

Ryan looked startled. “What?”

“At your ceremony. He said he never sees you smile anymore. And I thought that was weird because I see you smile all the time.”

“Do you?”

“Well, yeah. Like right now.”

“You just… you have no….”

I cocked my head at him. “What?”

He sighed. “After you were taken to the castle, people began to realize the lives they were given in the slums were not always the lives they had to take. They thought if one of their own could grow to be someone so important, that they could change the shape of their destinies too. You inspired them, Sam.”

“I didn’t know that,” I said honestly. “Not really. I go back. To the slums. Every chance I get. It’s not as much as I used to, but I still try.”

“I know. And that’s what makes it all the more important. Your actions. And that’s why I taught myself to read. It’s why I taught myself to write. It’s why I changed my name. It’s why I joined up with the King’s Army. It’s why I kept my head down and worked until my back ached and my fingers bled. It’s why I was recruited into the knights. It’s why I was promoted to Knight Commander.”

I shook my head. “No. That was you. That was only you. I didn’t—”

“But it was because of you that I did it.” He looked down at his hands. “Not directly, but it might as well have been. I thought that if you could change your future, to make it into something more, then maybe I could too. That I could do enough to take my mom out of the slums and give her the life she deserved after putting up with a son like me.” He took a breath and let it out slowly. “I made it, Sam. Mostly. I changed my future. But she died before I could change hers. I made a promise to her. Before. That I would do everything in my power to become greater than what I was born into, be more than what my station allowed. And I… I needed…
need
to keep that promise to her.”

I felt cold. “I’m sorry,” I said, inadequate as it was. “I didn’t know.” And there were questions that I wanted (
needed
) to ask: how, when, where, why. But they all stuck in my throat and I said nothing more. I’d never known the loss of a parent. I couldn’t even begin to understand.

“Most don’t,” he murmured. “They don’t know me as Nox. They only know Ryan Foxheart.”

I reached over and took his hand in mine, letting it rest in his lap. Our fingers intertwined, and he stared down at them. I didn’t like it when he hurt, even if my act of comfort hurt me more. “I know you,” I said quietly. “I know how you were. And how you are now.” I hesitated, but pushed through it. “Do the others know? About where you came from?” Meaning did Justin know. And I thought I knew the answer, but I still needed to hear it from him, no matter how crushing it would be.

He shook his head.

I sighed and withdrew my hand. I was disappointed, though I didn’t know if it was my place to be. It was none of my business what he told people about himself. I needed to remember that. Just because I was proud of where I’d come from didn’t mean that others would feel the same. The slums were awful, sure, but they’d been my home for the first half of my life, and I knew happiness there. I didn’t see the need to hide where I’d come from because others might look down upon it. Granted, most already knew I was from the slums. But, if anything, that just made the hurt a bit worse, that Ryan could see how most didn’t give a shit about me, yet he still chose to hide it about himself. And maybe, for the briefest of moments, I entertained a dark thought: Just how easy would it be to let it slip to Justin that his fiancé was born in the slums? Would Justin still be as keen to marry Ryan? It would be so easy. Then Ryan would be free and I could—

No.

No. That’s not who I was. That’s not who I am. I could never do that to him, no matter how I felt about him. It wasn’t my secret to tell.

“It’s not like that,” he said, and he almost sounded like he was pleading. “I’m not ashamed about being from the slums. It’s just… I can’t….”

“I didn’t say you were,” I said, trying to put him out of his misery. “You have to do what you have to do, you know? You don’t need to justify yourself. Especially to me. I’m proud of how far you’ve come. And flattered that you think that I helped in whatever way I did, though I don’t think I deserve that. I promise your secret is safe with me.”

“It’s not meant to be a secret,” he said. “You have to believe me about that.”

“I do,” I said, even though it felt like a lie.

“Can we just—?”

“It’s late,” I said, because I could see this brewing into something more damning. “I should get some sleep. You good for the first watch still?”

He nodded. He opened his mouth to say something else, but closed it a moment later. Maybe he understood that it was time we stopped before we couldn’t stop anymore.

“Give me a couple of hours and I’ll take over,” I told him.

He looked away.

I turned over on my side away from him and tried to take calm, even breaths. To shut my mind down so I could at least sleep for a little while.

Of course it wasn’t that easy. It never had been and all I could think of now was
RyanRyanRyan
and
NoxNoxNox
. About how I could be so stupid to think I could get to know him better without there being consequences. Without allowing him to get even further under my skin. That was proving to be difficult.

After what felt like ages, he said, “Sam?”

I thought about ignoring him. Feigning sleep. Instead, I said, “Yeah.” My voice was rough.

“What happened to him?”

“Who?”

“Koklanaris.”

I smiled, though he couldn’t see it. Most never thought to ask that question, so of course he did. “The day after I brought Tiggy and Gary to the castle, he was arrested and charged with abuse and cruelty to magical creatures. They’re protected, you know. As long as they haven’t hurt anyone else, they’re protected by law. His entire carnival was dismantled, and he’s in a jail in the desert. He’ll be there for a very long time.”

“Because of you,” he said.

“I couldn’t let him get away with what he did. It wasn’t fair, and I wouldn’t allow that to happen to anyone else.” I thought to stop there, but truth for a truth, right? That’s how the game is played. “I almost killed him in that clearing. It was very close. I sent him to jail so I would never have to. If he’s lucky, that’s where he’ll stay. Because if I ever see him again, he won’t be walking away.”

He said, “
Sam
” like I had achieved something wonderful. Like I had revealed to him a great secret that only he and I would ever know.

And I suppose I did.

So I slept and dreamed of running through the streets of the slums, my heart beating rapidly, my lungs burning. And I laughed because even though I was chased into a blind alley, my cornerstone was there and he’d never let anything hurt me. Because only
he
could do that, and there, in a world that did not exist, he never would.

R
YAN
WOKE
me a couple of hours before dawn.

He crawled under his blanket as I sat up.

His head was near my knee. Just inches away, really.

He looked up at me. I looked down at him.

Eventually, he closed his eyes.

I wondered at this complex man, this knight from the slums who wanted nothing more than to become something more. I thought it possible that he looked up at the stars and had wished for the same things I did. How funny that our paths crossed as they had. Then and now. And how every time was not the right time, no matter how much I could wish it to be so.

And I told myself we needed to find Justin soon, because I couldn’t have him like this. I couldn’t have him within reach. Not when I would just have to let him go once we got the Prince back. He was in love. And I was not the type of man to ever try and come between something like that. We would get Justin back and they would go back to Castle Lockes and I would go north. There would be a wedding, and I’d send my condolences at missing the ceremony and my congratulations at such a joyous union. I would learn what I needed to learn under Randall. I would come back to the City of Lockes under control and everything would be fine. Everything would be wonderful. Ryan would be happy, and I would be happy for him. This silly crush I’d fostered would be nothing more than a distant memory, and one day I’d find another person meant to be my cornerstone, and any time I passed Ryan in the halls or stood near him in the throne room, I’d smile and he’d smile back. We’d think fleetingly on this little adventure we’d had back in the early days.

And then we’d move on.

Because that is the only thing we
could
do.

Still.

I had to stop myself from running my fingers through his hair.

I knew now why Morgan had said he feared for my heart.

I did too.

Mama’s

T
HE
C
ITY
of Lockes was the capital of Verania. The King resided in Castle Lockes. For the most part, it was beautiful. The ports were far enough away that the air was clear and fresh. The roads, especially around the castle, were well maintained and landscaped. It was often said the only blight upon the City of Lockes was the slums, that area that stretched along the eastern edge of the city. But for the most part, the City of Lockes was bright and vibrant, a beacon of surety and the Veranian Dream.