The Lightning-Struck Heart (67 page)

Canoodling
, I mouthed at Gary, who just shrugged.

“Maybe we should consider a bit of a reeducation of your young apprentice,” Randall said to Morgan.

“Please don’t hit me!” I said, cowering away from him. “I’ll have your money by the end of the week. I
promise
, Randall. I’ve always been your best girl.”

“I fear it’s already far too late,” Morgan told Randall. “Run. Save yourself.”

“Sam,” Randall tried again, “I know that today is going to be difficult—”

I scoffed, cutting him off. “I’m fine.”

They all stared at me.

“What?”

“Sam,” Mom said. “It’s okay to
not
be fine.”

“Good to know,” I said. “I’m fine. You all act like I’m going to break down in inconsolable tears or do something stupid like interrupt the service when it gets to the whole
speak now or forever hold your peace
thing.”

“Well,” Gary said.

“I’m
not
. I wouldn’t do that!”

They looked slightly guilty, and I suddenly had a very bad feeling.

“And none of you can say a damn thing either.”

“Yeah,” Gary said. “Okay. Sure. Get right on that, kitten.” He batted his eyelashes at me, and I was almost ready to coo at him when I realized he was wiling me with his ways.

“You foul temptress,” I hissed at him. “How dare you try to woo me with your powers of beauty! I shall not be tricked!”

Gary preened. “Did you hear that, everyone? Sam says I have powers. Of
beauty
.”

“None of you can say a godsdamn thing,” I said, making sure to glare at each of them in turn. “We are not going to ruin someone else’s wedding day just because he should be marrying me instead as I’m obviously way cooler and have good teeth, awesome cheekbones, and a sunny fucking disposition.”

“His disposition isn’t very sunny right now,” Gary whispered to Tiggy.

“Oxymoron,” Tiggy said.

“Well said,” Gary replied. “He
is
a moron.”

“You lucky you pretty.” Tiggy said, burying his face in Gary’s ridiculous mane. “Feel like bubbles on my nose.”

“Listen to me,” I snapped. “You all need to keep your mouths shut! There will be
no
talking. Well, except for Morgan because I think he’s supposed to talk. And Randall, since he’s officiating the entire ceremony. They can talk. None of the rest of you can.”

“I can talk if I want to,” Dad said, looking slightly defiant.

“I’m
serious
,” I said.

“Dear,” Mom said. “Look. He’s serious. That’s his serious face.”

“You’ve made that same face since you were three,” Dad said. “That’s how we knew you were serious.”

“Like the one time he was six and came home to tell us he was seriously going to kiss Derek?” Mom said.

“Or that other time he was almost eight and said he was seriously considering opening up a business to sell toast and hats and wouldn’t I like to invest?” Dad said.

“Or when he was ten and he told us that he was
seriously
upset because we wouldn’t let him jump off the roof naked to test the wings he’d made out of a bedsheet and couldn’t we just see how
serious
he was?”

“You were a very strange child,” Randall said.

“I am nothing but a product of my upbringing,” I said, frowning at my parents.

“Thank you,” Mom said, beaming.

“And you’re welcome,” Dad said.

“You’re lucky I love you,” I told them. “Because otherwise I’d be ordering you to the dungeons for treason for telling the naked roof-jumping bedsheet story.”

“Pooping in buckets is a small price to pay to be able to tell that story,” Dad assured me. “Especially when I get to tell the part about how you were bare-ass naked when you were trying to argue with us.”

“If you try that now,” Gary said, “I bet you’d win more arguments.”

“Please don’t try that with me,” Randall said. “I don’t know how much shockingly pale skin I can handle.”

“Gods,” I muttered. “How did we even get here?”

“That’s a question I find I ask myself often around you,” Morgan said, patting my arm.

And then the announcement horns flourished brightly and all conversation ceased. Pete poked his head back out into the throne room. “We’re about to begin,” he said. “Joshua, Rosemary, if you could follow me please. I’ll show you to your seats.”

“I can’t believe the King got Justin to agree to allow you and Tiggy in the ceremony,” I told Gary. “I thought for sure he’d nix it.”

Gary rolled his eyes. “I told him it was considered the greatest of fortunes to have a unicorn and a half-giant walk down the aisle together. That it would bring him and his marriage luck and prosperity.”

I was slightly put out. If that was true, I would have hoped Gary and Tiggy would have instead refused to even show up.

“Stop pouting,” Gary said. “I just made that up so you wouldn’t have to stand there by yourself looking sad and alone and afraid and sad.”

“And handsome,” I said.

“Let’s not push it.”

“Said the talking cotton balls,” I muttered under my breath.

“What?” he asked sharply.

I smiled sweetly at him.

Mom and Dad kissed me on the cheek before following Pete through the Great Doors.

We lined up in front of the door in order of our entrance. Gary and Tiggy, then myself, then Morgan, with Randall following up in the rear. Ryan and Justin were being kept in separate rooms on either side of the lobby. Ryan would enter first, followed by the King and Justin.

Gary was whispering something to the Royal Announcer and I knew that it was probably nothing good. I tried to kick him in the ass, but his tail was so curled, I couldn’t seem to find it.

“Tiggy said it looked like he was pooping a snowman,” I whispered to Morgan who covered his mouth to hide the laughter.

Randall smacked us both on the back of our heads.

The Great Doors were pushed all the way open.

A thousand people stood as one, and the throne room fell silent.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer called, voice echoing off the stone. He was reading from a card. “Introducing, the most fiercest unicorn in existence, Mrs. Kevin the Dragon, aka, Gary.”

Gary coughed loudly.

The announcer rolled his eyes.

Gary coughed again.

“Gary the Magnificently Beautiful who is universally adored by all and whom everyone aspires to be because he is so amazing,” the announcer said, sounding aggrieved.

“Oh my gods,” I muttered.

“Thank you!” Gary said quite loudly. He began to walk down the plush red carpet toward the throne. “Hello,” he said, bowing his head at those standing on either side of the aisle. “Hello there. Hi. Ooh, girl, that hat is to
die
for. Work it. Hi. Hello. Salutations. Honeybunch, you’re at least fifty, not twenty. Cover up just a little bit more. This is a wedding, for fuck’s sake. Keep it classy. Hello. Hi. Oh goodness. Greetings. Oh my
gods
. That
scarf
. Where did you get that
scarf
?
Really
? At Medacio’s? The one off Grover Street? You know, I went there once and the service was just
terrible
. The salesgirl was just
rude
and I complained and got a twenty percent discount. Gods, what was her name? Leslie? Cochina? Mai Ling Wong? I don’t remember. It’s not important. But I just
swore
I wouldn’t go back there after—what? Oh. Right. Sorry. Sorry, everyone! Sorry. I tend to forget what I’m doing when I’m talking about scarves. It’s a sickness, I dare say. Hi. Hello. Good afternoon. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hello.”

He finally reached the throne.

“Tiggy,” I whispered. “I swear to the gods, you better get next to Gary as quick as you can and not stop. Do you understand me? No stopping to talk to
anyone
.”

“But Gary said—”

“Tiggy!”

“Tiggy never gets no fun,” Tiggy grumbled.

“We’ll have fun later,” I promised him, though he didn’t seem to believe me.

“Presenting,” the announcer called, reading from another card, “at nine-and-a-half feet tall, weighing in at six hundred forty-seven pounds. He is revered as a giant of impeccable taste and immaculate grooming. He’s—okay, I’m not going to finish this.”

“Say it!” Gary shouted.

The announcer sighed. “He has captured our hearts, filling us with love and joy and we are better off because he exists. Ladies and gentleman. The half-giant, Tiggy.”

Tiggy startled everyone by running as fast as he could, not stopping until he stood next to Gary, who looked slightly alarmed. He turned back toward me and said, “That fast, Sam?”

Everyone looked back at me.

“Yes, Tiggy,” I said, barely resisting the urge to bury my face in my hands. “That was fast.”

“I fast,” Tiggy said. “Sam said fast and I
fast
. I don’t get fun, but I
fast
.”

“Sam wouldn’t know what fun meant if it jerked off on his face,” Gary said.

I groaned because did he have to say it so
everyone
could hear?

The announcer switched to his next card.

“I will literally give you
anything
if you don’t read that,” I pleaded with him.

“Can’t help you,” he said, shrugging in apology. “Gary already threatened me with Unicorn Rage.”

“That devious bastard,” I said, trying not to be impressed. “That works on everyone. You know, I’m really starting to regret that I can’t sweat angry glitter.”

The announcer shrugged. “Yeah, it can be intimidating. Sorry about this, Sam.”

“Go ahead,” I said, waving my hand at him. There was really nothing else I could do.

Gary smiled evilly at me.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the announcer called. “It is with great honor that I present to you a man loved and treasured for his wit and charity, but maybe not for the way he dresses himself. He looks respectable right now because of Gary. If it weren’t for Gary, he would look like a homeless ruffian whom you would think was probably out to steal your wallet. So, thank you, Gary, for the specimen you see before us. We are all in your debt. Sam is currently single and any and all inquiries for a good roll in the hay can be made attention to Gary and Tiggy. Sam likes magic and long walks in the forest. For some reason, he likes ears that stick out. He also likes… seriously? Gary, come on! Oh for the love of—He also likes butts, so please have a nice one. Feel free to attach an etching of your butt so that we may review it for quality. I give you the wizard… Sam of Wilds.”

“Apprentice!” Gary yelled. “It says wizard
apprentice
. Gods. Good help is so hard to find these days.”

“They just tried to pimp me out,” I said, sounding completely awed. “Why does that always happen in this room?”

“Remember,” Randall murmured from behind me, “I get ninety percent of all your take. Don’t make me slap you. You Randall’s girl, now.”

“Oh my gods,” I moaned. “Please let this be a nightmare.”

But it wasn’t, and after Morgan shoved me in a not-so-gentle fashion, I walked down the aisle. Tiggy kept waving at me as I approached and Gary smirked at me even as I wondered what it would be like to shove my boot up his ass. I was about halfway down the aisle when I spotted someone who I hadn’t even expected to be here.

She stood next to the aisle, her dress expensive and perfect as always. She cooled herself with her exotic folding fan, the handle clearly inlaid with gold.

And she was glaring at me as I approached, even though she technically didn’t know me.

Well. Not
this
me.

Even with all that I’d faced, dragons and Darks and cultists and fire geckos, she was still my most mortal of enemies.

And today was her victory day.

The president of the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter.

Lady Tina DeSilva.

My fluttering heart hardened in my chest.

I wasn’t in control of how this day would end.

I was losing the one thing I wanted.

But this. I could control
this
.

I curled a nasty smile at her.

Then I realized I wasn’t dressed as Mervin, and her eyes widened as I looked positively murderous.

And I found I didn’t care.

I wouldn’t be going back to the damn meetings.

I was no longer a Foxy Lady.

From here on out, I was a SamGirl4Life.

I paused briefly when I passed her.

She scoffed prettily.

I dropped my voice to Mervin-like levels and murmured, “My muffins were
never
dry, you abhorrent wench.”

I winked at her.

Her breath hitched.

Her eyes widened.

She hissed, “
You
.”

“You’ll never prove it,” I snapped quietly at her and continued on.

I felt better. Getting the last word to a sixteen-year-old girl can do that to you.

“Do I even want to know why a little teeny-bop looks like she wants to eat your flesh?” Gary asked when I reached the front.

“We’re enemies,” I said. “Mortal enemies.”

“Of course you are, kitten. Only you would be mortal enemies with a teenage girl.”

“Don’t let her looks fool you. Her countenance hides nothing but evil.”

“I wonder at you, sometimes.”

“You’re in so much shit,” I growled.

“Worth it.”

“What are you guys whispering about?” Kevin asked. “Is it secrets? I love secrets.” I looked over my shoulder to see his head shoved through the Great Door, chin resting on the floor.

“Tell you later,” I said.

“You better,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to have to spank you, son.”

“Boo,” Gary said. “Stop hitting on our baby boy.”

Everyone was staring again.

“Not my parents,” I said for all to hear. “My mom and dad are right there.”

Mom and Dad stood and waved.

“We’re the parents of his heart,” Kevin said.

“Shut up,” I said. “No, you’re not. And that doesn’t even make sense. Stop making it weird and gross.”

“Don’t talk to your father that way,” Gary said. “You’re grounded.”