The Look of Love (4 page)

“Have you come
out at Uni yet?” The question came out of the blue, and Dayna
looked closely at Louise when Sam asked it.

Louise
immediately looked defensive. “No, I haven’t seen any reason
to.”

“What about
your friends? Haven’t you told any of them yet?”

Louise shook
her head.

“You are a
coward, Lu!”

“I am not! I
don’t see why I have to proclaim my sexuality to all and sundry
just because I’m a lesbian! Straights don’t have to tell everybody
they’re straight! Why do I have to go round saying, ‘Hello, my
name’s Louise, I’m a lesbian.’ It’s not fair, and it’s sexist!”

Dayna held up
her finger as she replied, “Me thinks the lady doth protest too
much.”

Louise made a
face. “Smart arse!”

“You’re just
ashamed of admitting it,” Dayna said. She wasn’t joking
anymore.

“Why are you
pressuring me?” Louise said in anguish. “It’s my choice! Leave me
alone!” She went back into the lounge and threw herself down on the
sofa, hugging her coffee mug.

Sam put down
the cans she was holding and sighed. She gave Dayna a glance that
said, “Stay here,” and went back into the lounge after Louise.
Louise looked really depressed. Sam sat down next to her on the
sofa, and pulling her close, she hugged her. Louise rested her head
on Sam’s shoulder, and Sam stroked her hair.

“Look, Lu,” Sam
said as softly as she could. “Dayna’s right, you’ll have to tell
people. If they can’t accept it, then screw them! That neighbour of
yours knows; she’s alright about it. If your friends at Uni are
real friends, then they’ll be alright about it too. And you owe
them the chance to prove it. So stop being a coward, and stop being
ashamed of it. It’s an insult to all of us you know. It’s as if we
have something to be ashamed of, and we don’t. So get on with it.
Or I’ll put it on the Internet.”

Louise was
feeling so guilty that Sam’s threat took a few moments to filter
through. Then Louise looked up in horror. “You wouldn’t!”

“Oh, Lu! You
really are a scaredy-cat!”

Louise looked
annoyed at being so easily taken in. “I am not! And I wouldn’t put
it past you to do such a thing!”

“At least it
would be out in the open.”

“But it’s my
decision if I want to tell my friends at Uni!”

“Then tell
them!”

Louise didn’t
reply. She stared down at her coffee. She still looked depressed
and she was becoming tearful.

Sam continued
to stroke Louise’s hair. She could see that there was more to
Louise’s depression than just the argument of coming out or not.
“Come on, what’s the matter? Tell your Auntie Sam.”

Dayna came back
out of the kitchen and sat down opposite them. She put out her
cigarette and said to Louise, “Tell Sam about Victoria.”

Sam glanced at
Dayna before looking closely at Louise. “Is that it?” she asked
her. “Is it about this girl?”

Louise nodded.
“I met her at Uni,” she said in a subdued voice. “I really like
her, Sam. You have to see her. She’s gorgeous!”

Sam smiled at
her. Then Dayna dropped the bomb-shell.

“But she’s
straight!” she pointed out.

Sam stared at
the ceiling and sighed again. “Oh, Lu!” she exclaimed. “You are
you’re own worst enemy! You always have to reach for the
impossible, don’t you? Me and Dayna have introduced you to lots of
girls, and you’re never interested. But as soon as some high-heeled
bimbo type passes your way, you swoon!”

Dayna said, “I
told her it was a fantasy!”

Louise quickly
looked up. “It’s not a fantasy!”

“It is!” Dayna
insisted. “They aren’t like us and it’s not going to happen!”

“Becky’s like
that! You said yourself she was a babe!” Louise could have bitten
her tongue off as soon as she spoke.

Sam glanced at
Dayna with a knowing look. “Oh, she is, is she?”

Dayna quickly
dismissed it. “So I’ve looked and noticed, so what? You know me,
Sam. Anyway, she is a babe. And if she and Sal break up, Louise can
have a try! That’s what I told her before!”

Sam laughed.
“They won’t break up. I already knew that you were interested in
Sal. Like you said, I know you. But you haven’t got a chance,
Dayna! Becky and Sal are a great couple. They deserve to be
together. And if you even try and split them up, I’ll have you
neutered!”

Dayna didn’t
look like the threat would put her off for an instant, but she said
in a very pious voice, “As if I would do such a thing.”

“Ha!”

Louise was
staring into her coffee mug when she suddenly said, “Sal’s exactly
like me, and now that she’s found Becky, she’s very much in love
with her. Every time I see them together I’m terribly jealous. Not
because I want to steal Becky away from her, but because I want to
have what she has. I want someone like Becky. I know I’m being a
fool, but I can’t help it. It’s the way I am.”

There was a
brief silence as Sam and Dayna exchanged glances. Then Dayna said,
“I still think you’re wasting your time.”

“But I don’t
know that!” Louise exclaimed. “And I’ve got to try, haven’t I? If I
don’t, I’ll always hate myself!”

Sam kicked
Dayna, producing a satisfying yelp. Then she said to Louise, “Never
mind what Dayna says. If you like this girl, then ask her. But if
you’re going to do it, do it as yourself. And tell your friends
first. That way if this girl should turn you down, at least you’ll
know that that’s the worst thing she can do. Okay?”

Louise nodded.
“Okay.”

When Victoria
didn’t turn up for the next morning’s class, Louise became very
depressed. Angela couldn’t fail to notice.

“It’s that git,
Zach,” she told Louise. “I don’t know what she sees in him. But
whenever he turns up, she always ends up in some sort of trouble. I
wish she’d drop him.”

“But if she
keeps missing lectures like this, she’ll fail the course,” Louise
said in dismay. What she really wanted to say was that she would
like Zach to be dropped from a great height over a shark infested
sea, but she didn’t.

“I know. That’s
why Chrissy and I are going to go round to her flat in the halls of
residence this dinner time. Just to see if anything’s wrong. Do you
want to come?”

Louise was
suddenly filled with wild thoughts. “Yes, I’ll come with you,” she
said anxiously. “If that’s alright with Chrissy.”

“Chrissy won’t
mind. She needs all the help she can get.”

Angela was
right. Chrissy just smiled when she told her that Louise was coming
too. “You’ll wish you hadn’t,” she said.

Louise didn’t
realise exactly what she meant until they got to Victoria’s flat.
By then she was full of foreboding. Victoria was in, because they
could hear her moaning, but she wouldn’t, or couldn’t open the
door. Chrissy had to get a warden to bring a key. When they finally
got inside, Louise was deeply shocked at what she saw.

Victoria was
lying on the floor in some sort of drug, or alcohol induced stupor.
She was hardly conscious, and she was dirty and smelly. At some
point she had urinated on herself, and she was covered in dried
vomit. The whole room stank, and there were empty half bottles of
vodka littered all around.

The warden
wanted to get a doctor. “No, it’s alright,” Chrissy told him.
“We’ll clean her and the room up. I’ve done this before. She’ll be
fine, don’t worry.” As he beat a hasty retreat, Chrissy started to
pick Victoria up and drag her towards the bathroom. “Angie, open
all the windows. Louise, stop standing about gawping and help me
get her into the shower.”

The three of
them held Victoria under the cold running water, clothes and all.
As Victoria slowly began to revive, Angela said sarcastically to
Louise, “Aren’t you glad you came?”

Louise could
only smile weakly as she held on to Victoria’s arm and squinted in
the cold spray. She
was
glad she came. But she was also very
sad. “What’s the matter with her?” she asked.

“Too much
booze,” Chrissy replied. “She does this all the time. It’s a real
pain in the arse. Let’s get these clothes off her.”

By now,
Victoria was almost fully awake. She began coughing and spitting,
and when Chrissy pulled her jeans down started to resist. She
struggled harder as Chrissy began to pull her sweat-shirt over her
head. As her struggles persisted, Chrissy began to slap her.

“Pack it in you
daft cow!” she said in a harsh voice. “Or we’ll drop you in the
bath and let you drown! I’m sick of having to clean you up all the
time! Jo didn’t even want to come!”

“Alright!
Alright!” Victoria managed to reply, fending off Chrissy’s blows.
“I’m cold!”

Chrissy
relented. “Turn the hot water on, Louise. Angie, get some
towels.”

Louise turned
the hot water on, mesmerised by the sight of Victoria’s naked body
in the shower, her clothes and underwear down by her feet.

When Angela
returned with some towels, Chrissy gave one to Louise. Victoria
reached out for one, but Chrissy slapped her again, thrust a bottle
of shower-gel into her hand and said, “You don’t come out of there
until we can’t smell you coming!” Then Chrissy swept the shower
curtain closed. “Come on, you two. We’ve got a room to clean
up.”

By the time
Victoria emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a bathrobe, they were
finished. They were all three sat on her chairs exhausted. They had
cleaned practically everything in the room. And now they stared at
her expectantly. Victoria looked very sheepish as she sat down on
the side of her bed. Her feet were bare, and she said, “The
carpet’s damp.”

Angela said,
“Be thankful it’s only water.”

Chrissy was
angry. “Is that all the thanks we get?” she shouted at Victoria.
“Louise here hardly knows you, and she’s been cleaning your shit up
from off the floor! And that’s all you can say? ‘The carpet’s
wet’?”

Victoria put
her hands over her ears. “Don’t shout! I’ve got a headache!”

“You are a
bloody headache!”

“Alright! I’m
sorry!” Victoria’s face suddenly screwed up and she began to cry.
“I don’t know why I do it!” she wailed. “I can’t help it! Don’t
shout at me, Chrissy! You always shout at me!”

Louise couldn’t
resist. She went to her side and put her arm around her, and
Victoria immediately rested her head on Louise’s shoulder. “It’s
alright,” Louise said comfortingly. “Don’t cry.” She began to
stroke Victoria’s damp hair.

Chrissy shook
her head in dismay. “Oh, no you don’t,” she said, getting up.
“You’re not getting away with it that easy. Give me a hand, Angie!”
She and Angela quickly went over to them both and dragged Louise
away from Victoria. “Come on, you, let’s get back to class.”

“But we can’t
just leave her!” Louise protested.

“Oh, yes we
can! It’s the best thing for her, and for you! If we left you here,
she’d have you cooking her dinner and her breakfast!”

Louise wanted
to say that she wouldn’t mind, that she would be happy to stay here
with Victoria and do just that. But all she could do was look over
her shoulder as Angela and Chrissy shoved her out the door.

“As for you,”
Chrissy called back through the door. “If you’re not dressed and in
class this afternoon, I’ll tell the lecturer that you’ve dropped
out! So be there!”

“Yes, mother!”
Victoria called back, and before the door closed, Louise saw that
mischievous grin once again.

On the way back
to the University, Louise learned from Chrissy that Victoria often
got into a far worse state than what she had witnessed today. And
contrary to what Angela had said, it wasn’t always to do with
Zach.

“Basically,
Vicky doesn’t give a shit,” Chrissy told her. “That’s why she’s
always getting into fights and getting drunk.”

“But its Zach’s
fault,” Angela insisted. “He eggs her on, and he gets her the
booze. He likes getting her drunk.”

“It’s not that
simple, Angie. Vicky started hitting the booze a long time before
she met Zach. It got worse after her father died. You hardly knew
her then. But I agree; Zach doesn’t help.”

Louise was
terribly curious. “But she was fine at school?” she asked.

Chrissy shook
her head. “Not near the end. She was already on the way down even
then. She used to be great fun, but not any more. She never knows
when to stop, and she keeps getting worse and worse. She better be
alright when we go out tonight. This is the third time I’ve had to
clean her up like that. One of these days she’ll choke to death and
do us all a favour.”

Louise was
surprised by her callousness. “I thought she was your friend. She
told me you and her were very close.”

“We are. I’ve
known her since infant’s school, I grew up with her, and I worry
about her. But there’s only so many times you can clean someone’s
arse before the friendship begins to wear thin. Especially when
they don’t appreciate it. You’ll see what I mean this afternoon.
Vicky will turn up, bright and breezy, as if nothing had
happened.”

Louise began to
realise that there was far more to Chrissy than just a girl who
liked to go out clubbing. She had hardly known anything about her
before, and her relationship with Victoria was very
interesting.

“You must like
Victoria a lot.”

“Not as much as
I used to.” Chrissy then gave Louise a stern look. “Listen, Louise,
I hardly know you, but you seem okay, so I’m giving you a friendly
warning. Don’t get drawn in by Vicky. She’s a user. You’re too
soft, you won’t be able to stand it, and she’ll squish you.
Okay?”

The warning was
totally unexpected, and Louise felt her face going red. “Okay,” she
managed to say in a weak voice.

Chrissy went
off to meet Jo and collect her things after that, and Louise was
left in a whirl of emotions. As she and Angela walked towards their
lockers to get their bags, Louise turned to her.