The Mandates (12 page)
PICKUP LINES GUARANTEED TO FAIL: A DEFINITE DATING DON'T!
Finally, here is a sampling of pickup lines that have been used for years and known to fail every time.
DON'T USE THEM. DON'T DATE ANYONE WHO DOES.
Quick, give me an M&Mâyou make me go into sugar shock.
I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing.
You look just like that porno star what's his name.
Can I borrow a quarter? I promised I'd call my mother as soon as I fell in love.
Are you tired from running through my mind?
How about a Scotch and sofa?
(Grab his collar, look at the inside, and say) Sorry, I thought it said “Made in Heaven.”
I lost my number. Can I have yours?
How about breakfast? Shall I call you or nudge you?
Has anyone ever told you that you look like the future?
You complete me. (Said with trembling voice, Ã la Jerry Maguire)
You know, I couldn't pull off wearing clothes like that but somehow you can.
I was thinking of going back to being straight, but with a butt like yours, we should talk.
Get out of my dreams. Get into my Chevette.
I'm writing a book on dating. May I ask you a few questions?
PART III
The Who, What, Where, and How of Meeting a Guy
It's all about editing,” a wise old queen named David told me recently, with all the haute grandeur of that real wise old queen Elizabeth II. David, seventy-three years young, was commenting on the state of gay dating these days, compared to when he was in his thirties. “It's easier and it's harder,” he said. “Easier, because you can be more open and there are more options for meeting and more support for building a healthy relationship. Harder, because there are too many options for single gay men nowadays. How does a poor gay guy keep it all straight?”
Do matchmakers work? Does whom you meet a man through make any difference to your dating experience? What types of gay guys are out there and what can you expect from each? Where are the best and worst places to meet? In the Internet age, on-line dating can be awkward at times, but it's rapidly become one of the most viable ways for busy single gay guys to meet and date. How do you develop a winning profile, along with strategies for making the most of your on-line dates?
WHOM YOU MEET HIM THROUGH
Part of the “meeting” equation is, of course, evaluating his potential based on who introduced the two of you or set you up, if it's a blind date. The following chart rates his potential success or failure as a mate taking into account how much credibility your matchmaker has.
WHAT TYPES ARE OUT THERE? FROM “BOY NEXT DOOR” TO “BILLY THE GAY CLONE” DOLLâTYPE YOUR HEART OUT AND FIND OUT WHICH TYPE HE IS
I know, I know. You hate to stereotypeâbut do it anyway because it's on target more often than not!
All right, everyone clasp your hands together, breathe deeply, and tell yourself that we are all unique beings under the sun. Sit in the lotus position with thumb to forefingers in an upward circle and breathe in light. This is perfectly fine for yoga class, or even for that visit to the Buddhist center. But, walk down any street with a sizable gay male population and give me a dollar for each of the following you see:
San Francisco plaid shirt/bandannaâwearing clone with close-cropped hair and a Gauguin beard
Beefed-up, flat-topped, jeans, white T-shirt, and black bootâwearing Chelsea boy
Khaki-wearing, slightly-older-than-he-looks guppie
Diesel jeansâwearing, Prada-shoed, sleek-haired glamour man
Abercrombie & Fitch sweatshirtâwearing, tousled-on-purpose jock-still-in-college wanna-be
Okay, it might not be everyone, but I'd still have enough money for dinner.
Each gay type comes with its own set of personality traits. Is it unfair to judge a book by its cover? Of course, it is. Are you sometimes mistaken? Yes. Is it worth the risk to do it anyway? Absolutely. Las Vegas odds are with you.
So belly up to the betting table and put your money on the table to ready you for what you are getting yourself into. Which of the following is he?
Of course, typing doesn't always work. There is the remote chance you'll be surprised when the boy next door turns out to be next door to a sex club.
Once, my clean-cut friend Steven visited a well-known bar in San Francisco. He reported back to me, “Amidst the bears, the leather queens, and the assorted diesel dykes stood this one cute, âpreppyish' guy who definitely didn't belong in the setting. Feeling that I had found a kindred soul, I approached him, said hello, and struck up a conversation.
“Sensing a mutual attraction, I blurted out that I'd much rather the two of us were in a nice, quiet restaurant where we could enjoy each other's company in peace. It was then that he shared with me that we would have an opportunity to go out: he had a club meeting to which he would like to invite me. He pulled out a card and scribbled his name and phone number on the back as I inquired about the club. He told me to read the card. There it was: âSigma . . . the club for sadists and masochists.'
“I decided not to find out which one he was . . . or whether I was either.”