The Mandates (10 page)

22

BE TRUE TO YOUR OWN STANDARDS

(And If You Don't Have Any, Get Some)

The key to a successful relationship is not believing that everyone is imperfect and, therefore, you should be happy if you find a guy with most of the traits you like. The key is drawing a line in the sand for what's totally unacceptable.

You have to decide what you absolutely cannot abide and then pray like hell you'll get over the rest. This is called having standards. Most people either have ridiculous standards or none at all.

When people meet thirty-five-year-old Steve, a banker in St. Louis, they wonder why he's single and why he'd have such trouble finding a decent date. He doesn't get it, either. “I am an attractive guy and a good catch,” says not-so-modest Steve. “All I want is a good-looking, smart man who will sweep me off my feet.” Sounds reasonable right? Who doesn't want that?

After some prodding about the type of guy Steve dates, the truth comes out. He is only interested in compulsive circuit-party boys and exhibitionist bodybuilders with less than 5 percent body fat who want to spend quiet weekends alone with him. He wants a guy that Mom would approve of, but Steve isn't out to his family so it's not like Mom is going to meet anyone. The only guy he'll date is someone wealthy but not snobby, popular but without too many friends who'll be a distraction, successful in his career but not too driven, and really comfortable being gay but, as Steve puts it, “no rainbow-wearing, drum-banging parade marcher.” You get the picture. Steve has set up impossible standards for his dates. Why not add “Must be able to swim the English Channel” to the already overpopulated list of impossible standards?

Thirty-four-year-old Gordon from Boston, on the other hand, has no standards at all. He is “equal opportunity” when it comes to dating, and it gets him nowhere. He has more dates than anyone else I have ever seen, but they are all exercises in futility. Gordon's date-screening criterion is “Hello.” If they say that, they are on the list. He is reasonably attractive and engaging but has no idea what he really wants out of dating, and that has led to deathly quiet dinners as he finds out midway through the second course that his date has nothing in common with him or was recently profiled on
America's Most Wanted.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. And before a date, a few minutes of well-thought-out screener questions about your lives and common interests can save a lot of wasted time later.

That's why you have to have your standards. Write them down, laminate them, and put them in your wallet. Why? Because the world at large, aided by alcohol, societal pressures, and the lateness of the hour at the bar or party, will conspire to make you settle.

Focus on the standards that matter to you, and make sure they are reasonable and attainable. Ask yourself if you would be able to achieve all the standards you set for one of your dates.

Here's a partial list of characteristics for you to mix and match and create your own list of standards:

Has a paying job or other means of self-support

Wants one-on-one intimacy leading to a long-term relationship

Spiritual, believes in a higher power, that there's a plan

Drinks socially

Drinks constantly

Does drugs now and then

Drug dealers call him when they are low on cash

Very social, actually believes you can be close, intimate friends with hundreds of gay men if you throw enough parties

Likes the outdoors, into hiking and being outside

Likes the two seconds he is outside while racing to his heated or air-conditioned car

Similar sex drive

No outstanding warrants for his arrest

No outstanding warrants for his arrest in your state

Wants to have children

Will consider having children

Doesn't want children because he is one

Has compatible sexual appetite and proclivities

Is HIV-negative or HIV-positive, depending on your status and feelings about that

Believes in monogamy

Believes in “if it moves, jump on it”

Within four inches either way of your height

Height and weight proportionate

Has an extraordinary ___________ (for fetishists, pick your body part)

Has been in a faithful, long-term (over a year) relationship before

Has the same relative degree of “outness” that you do

Socially acceptable manners

When he eats, talks with his mouth completely full

23

DON'T TRY TO BE OZZIE AND HARRIET— EVEN OZZIE AND HARRIET WEREN'T OZZIE AND HARRIET

(And They Were
Straight)

Gay men make a huge mistake when they choose to act like the perfect 1950s straight couple so that they'll fit into some ancient definition of American success.

Ozzie and Harriet, the quintessential symbols of post–World War II American domestic bliss, had their share of problems that the world never saw, and you will, too. Be more like the other Ozzy (as in Osbourne) and let it all hang out.

Living twenty-four hours a day with an internalized ideal of how love should be is exhausting for anyone. But it's a tougher road for gay people, and few walk that road without at least one fairly large carry-on bag full of relationship issues. For instance, how do you create a relationship with so few gay role models? How open or closeted are you as a couple? Do you feel shame about your relationship? Do friends and family know about you? Do the people at work think you are just roommates? Do both sides of your families treat you with respect as a couple, just as they do your straight siblings?

Chances are you will have to endure more than most straight people when it comes to merging two gay lives. The best way to manage that is to reset the expectation of how easy coupling with another man will be.

As you navigate the ups and downs of a new relationship, just remember that you:

Don't have to adopt dating or relationship
roles
(he cooks, you clean) just because your parents did.

Can have more freedom in your daily lives
if you choose.
Men like freedom, and you don't need to adapt to some straight norm that makes no sense for you. You can be more flexible with your schedules, more open about what you do together and apart than the traditional straight-couple norm.

Do need to demand equal rights.
For instance, your partner should be treated the same as your siblings' spouses. Your parents and family may have come so far as to be accepting of your partner, but still not include him in family events, pictures, etc. Demand that treatment is fair and equal for him.

Should build a strong foundation of
communication with your partner about your
coupling experiences.
Are people treating you differently from when you were single? Is it hard at times to see yourself as part of a couple? What do you like and not like about the structure you are creating for your relationship?

24

BE YOUR OWN “JUDGE JUDY” WITH RELATIONSHIP MISTAKES: EVALUATING HEINOUS VS. FORGIVABLE SINS

Your boyfriend goes out late with his pals and doesn't get in until 2 A.M. He has had some laughs, a few drinks, and now, sheepishly, he sneaks into your room hoping that you forgot he said he'd be home by 11 P.M. You didn't forget. In fact, you sit up, turn on the light, and all of a sudden you've been transformed from a tall, preppylooking man who wears contacts into a short Jewish woman with your own TV show and spectacles lodged at the edge of your nose. You have become Judge Judy, and now he is on trial for having screwed up.

So what's forgivable within a relationship and what isn't?

Certainly a night out with pals that gets a little carried away can be forgiven—with flowers or perhaps a subtle deposit into your mutual fund account. But how do you distinguish what's forgivable from the “deal breaker,” that one act that, justifiably, should put you over the edge?

The following chart explains how to evaluate forgivable sins versus deal breakers: