The Mandates (5 page)

9

ASK AND YE SHALL HEAR!

Ask and ye shall hear, presumably, more than you'd need to know. Before you can buy that home, raise that dog, or have Mom spend the weekend with the two of you, basking in your gay wedded bliss, you need to find out the answer to a
big
question.

Is he single? Really single?

Because with men, sometimes the word
single
¹
gets misconstrued. As in “on-line” single, a relatively new Internet phenomenon wherein the marriage vows are void once you log on to the computer. Is he “for the weekend” single, because his lover and brand-new golden retriever are spending two days away at pet training? Is he “understanding” single since he and his partner have an “understanding”? Is he “newly” single, out of a long-term relationship for a whole day? Is he “fighting” single because of the fight he and his lover had two hours ago? Or is he really, truly, honestly single? The challenge is sifting through the fairy dust of his “spin” to ascertain the real truth.

Here are the basic questions you need answers to before you can be fairly certain that he is worthy of your dating time and attention:

FRIENDS

Who are his long-term friends? E.g., are his best friends a group of club kids he met last Thursday at Sound Factory Bar?

SOCIAL LIFE

What's his average day like? When does it start, when does it end?

Don't ask him what he likes to do in his spare time. Ask him what he's done for fun in the last month, especially on the weekends. It's a more disarming way of getting at the truth, not what he'd tell you is the truth. Actions speak louder than words.

How many bartenders does he know by name around town?

Is
ecstasy
the word he uses to describe being around you, or that little white pill you see him popping?

FAMILY

What's his family like? What kind of emotional family baggage will you be inheriting?

How often does he speak with them?

Do they know he's gay?

LIFE

What are his goals—financial, personal, career?

If you give credence to personality testing, did he take the Myers-Briggs test? Which of the sixteen personality types is he? (Then quickly check to see if yours is compatible with his. An ENTJ with an ISFP is certain death.)

What's his idea of a perfect day?

LOVE

Has he been in longer-term relationships (six months to one year minimum)? In theory at least, does he like them?

What are the qualities he looks for in a guy?

How does he define a serious dating relationship?

What are the stories about his past lovers—what happened? What does he want that he didn't have before? What would he do differently next time? Do you want the same things?

Was he ever jailed for maiming, murdering, or stalking any former dates?

10

HE OPENED HIS MOUTH AND HIS PURSE FELL OUT

(Or: Everything You Need
to Know You Can Know
in the First Five Minutes)

Perhaps the point of dating (if you are in fact reading this book for any other reason than coercion) is to, as Thoreau said, “simplify, simplify.”

But then again, if Thoreau really knew what he was talking about, would he have told us to “simplify” twice?

Anyone who says that life is all about “living in the moment” has obviously not been on more than two dates anytime within the past ten years. There is a goal, a destination, for this journey. There just has to be. How else can you justify slogging through dinner after dinner, party after party, with a string of men best summed up as the bottom of the food chain?

The point of dating for many gay guys, once you pass the initial thrill (which, for gay men, often occurs later than for straight men due to “coming out” delays), is to find a compatible mate.

Some say that it takes a long time to get to know a person.

The Mandates
says that everything you need to know about him, you can learn in the first five minutes. Oh, sure, the details don't come out until much later. If it's a long-lasting, positive relationship, hopefully you always learn new things about the man who becomes your life partner.

But, it is not cruel to be discerning. Of course, you have to watch that tendency toward stray judgments. He could be a really great guy, and worth a chance, even if he accidentally forgets that you were supposed to meet tonight, not next Thursday. But, on the other hand, if during dinner he leaves more than three times to check his answering machine, talks bitterly about past lovers, carries wads of cash and has no credit cards or picture ID, or speaks fondly of getting married and a green card in the same breath, then chances are you should immediately rollerblade for cover.

In many cases, all you have to do is look at him silently for a minute or two, and like a criminal who can't take the pressure, he will blurt out all his sins, fears, and dysfunctions. Time it when he does. Look at your watch and wait five minutes. You'll be amazed at the sheer raw data he'll provide. Now you know what Catholic priests have known for years: only on the rarest occasions does any confession last more than five minutes.

He will tell you about the lover who he knew had more parole violations than Amy Fisher, a sixth-grade education, misspelled tattoos, and a bad habit of petty theft. Still, he chose to let the loser move in with him.

You'll hear about his conflict between longing for a committed, fulfilling relationship and that nagging inability to be sexually aroused by anyone other than a stranger wearing a leather mask.

James, a twenty-seven-year-old music publicist in Los Angeles, calls this the “he opened his mouth and his purse fell out” syndrome. Beware TMI (too much information) early on.

As Fran Lebowitz once said, “Spilling your guts is as attractive as it sounds.” And though true, the really dangerous guy is the one who seems perfect on the surface. Or, as my mother puts it, the “good package” man, the guy who knows how to sell “normal.”

But a glimpse at the real core of any guy can be yours right away. Master these basic questions and dating becomes as streamlined and efficient as Martha Stewart's kitchen.