The Mandates (8 page)
17
THE M-WORD. MADONNA? MARRIAGE? HELL, NO. MONOGAMY!
Broaching the subject of monogamy in a gay male relationship is like baking a soufflé. Bake it for too short a period and it falls. Bake it too long and it dries up. The artful success of bringing up monogamy is in the timing. “Too much, too soon” is as bad as “too little, too late.”
Forty-seven-year-old Scott, a travel agent from Florida, learned this lesson the hard way. After a great second date with thirty-seven-year-old Frank, when the attraction was heating up in the car ride back to Scott's place, Scott looked Frank in the eyes and said softly, “I really want to date you and only you from now on.” In an awkward end to an otherwise fun evening, Frank suddenly remembered he had to be up early the next morning, exited the scene quickly, and never called Scott again. Scott now says he felt ridiculous after saying it and wishes he had blamed the outburst on a new and unusual strain of Tourette's syndrome called situational Tourette's. Though he didn't demand monogamy, the mere implication of the word so soon was enough to send Frank running. If Scott had veered the dinner conversation toward relationship history, the subject could have come up casually.
Forty-year-old musician Ted had the foresight to wait until the subject bubbled up to the surface naturally. After three months of dating Chris, a thirty-eight-year-old office manager in their hometown of New Orleans, the subject came up over drinks in the French Quarter. Chatting about the big gay party they were attending that evening, Chris said playfully, “If anyone comes on to you, I'll take him out. Some of these guys don't care if you are coupled off or not.” Ted took the opportunity to ease into monogamy by offhandedly asking such questions as “What would happen if someone did ask you out? Would you date anyone else at this point?” and “What do you think about the two of us dating each other exclusively?” They agreed that they didn't want to date anyone else. And they were comfortable enough to say that if they ever felt like changing it in the future, they'd talk about it.
In addition to timing, there's another rule of thumb about monogamy in a gay male relationship. The guys who push monogamyâwho demand it as a condition of dating and insist that it's the only way they can feel comfortable in a relationship with youâare always the first ones to cheat.
When my committed relationship with Karl ended after two and a half years, I started dating another man within weeks. The new guy, tall, blond, blue-eyed, thirty-six-year-old Doug, made it clear he didn't want to be “the rebound guy with someone newly broken up.” He said it was absolutely necessary for us to be monogamous. I was flattered and wanted to show him I was serious, so I agreed (the road to hell is paved with flattery, not good intentions as some have claimed). Eleven months later, I discovered he had cheated, just once supposedly, while I was away on business. If he hadn't made such a big deal about our being monogamous, I doubt if this one incident would have been a deal breaker. After I pulled the “Sucker!” sticker off my back, I realized that my strong reaction to cheating was all about lying and the setup of this situation rather than the actual slip.
There is no getting around itâmonogamy is what many gay men (and straight men, too, for that matter) say they want, but what few really want to give.
Let the subject of monogamy come up naturally once you have been together awhile. When it does, keep in mind these monogamy Mandates, which can help you establish a basis for discussion:
In the blush of infatuation, don't let your
mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
Promising monogamy is flattering, makes you feel special, and is
very
hard to go back on once you decide you don't want to practice it anymore.
Offer it unconditionally.
If it's something you want soon into dating, consider offering it without demanding it back.
It's all about honest communication.
If you decide that monogamy is something you both want, explore that if someone strays, the breakup issues are all about lies, betrayal, and a breakdown of honest communication. In my case, because we had set up monogamy as the rule, and because my guard was down, I felt blindsided. Since he had insisted on monogamy so strongly, it had never crossed my mind that he'd be the one to cheat.
Don't set the rule in stone.
Agree that you will, as a couple, revisit the rules of your relationship if and when you choose.
18
HAVE THE FOLLOWING SUDDENLY APPEARED IN YOUR APARTMENT: AN EXTRA TOOTBRUSH, A SPARE CONTACT LENS CASE, AND AT LEAST TWO ARTICLES OF HIS CLOTHING? CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Sometimes you can date a man for months and not know the status of your relationship. Is it love? Is it lust? Is it just a fling? As they say in Hollywood about films that stay in theaters a long time, “Does it have legs?”
Sometimes, by the middle of your first dinner, you are already planning your fifth-anniversary party.
Men being men, wanting what we want when we want it, it is hard to determine when you should clearly note the dating milestones. You know, the markers that indicate that your simple date has become a regular date and may well be on the road to real live boyfriend.
The following chart is a guide to help determine what category your man falls into, providing some key variables that will help you determine if he's a relationship trick or treat.
Once you have assessed which category he falls under, adjust your behavior as a result. You obviously wouldn't treat him like a boyfriend if he was just a trick. You save that kind of attention for someone you know will want and earn it.
Don't make the mistake many do and put the cart before the horse. Don't rush a relationship, or you'll risk watching it crumble from the weight of too much pressure and too many expectations.
Do you remember that old Florence Henderson “Wessonality” TV commercial that included the line “Treat your family like company and your company like family”? That's great when you are entertaining friends and family, but it does not apply to dating. Don't treat your tricks like a lover, or your lover like a trick. Figure out what stage your relationship is in, and act accordingly.