The Middle Child (21 page)

     Catherine tried to absorb all that Emily had said.  She wasn’t sure if she dared believe it.

     "Am I not supposed to be doing all this talking?" she asked with a wry smile.

    
"No, you’re on my time now and I’m trying to offer you a gift for Christmas.  As with all gifts, it’s up to you how you choose to use it."

***

     Those words reverberated around her head during the phone call to Tim and the drive to the Restaurant.

     She was the first to arrive and sat nervously, folding and unfolding her napkin.  There were two false alarms with the door but on the third her breath caught in her chest.  Tim ushered the girls into the restaurant and suddenly Catherine’s eyes became hungry for a look at them.  Immediately she noticed that they’d grown and a wave of sadness rode over her.  She had missed what looked like precious inches but could only have been centimetres.

     They paused at the door to remove jackets, hats and scarves, unaware of her unwavering eye.  Tim took their outer garments while maintaining a low and steady conversation with them both, capturing their full attention.  How did he do that?  She wondered.  How did it all come so naturally to him?  It hit her that the three of them were a family and she was the outsider.  Suddenly she wanted to run back to the sterile safety of the hotel room and regret her inability like a failed diet.  I’ll try again tomorrow. 

     Emily’s words came back to haunt her.  Was she so quick to reject the gift that she’d been offered so soon?

     She physically forced her body to remain where it was.  Tim spotted her and gave a little wave as he guided the girls towards her.

     Jess was dressed in her clothes of choice, a t-shirt and trousers.  Her only concession to girlhood was the row of sequins that bordered her front pocket.  Lucy was a vision in pink with a Barbie handbag to match.

     As they reached the table Tim leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.  There followed a moment of awkwardness as Catherine came face to face with her children.  She sensed their confusion matched her own as the correct form of greeting was established.  Take it slowly, Catherine advised herself.

    
"Your hair has grown," she said, reaching out to touch Lucy’s fine, silken locks.  Her daughter did not recoil as she had expected.  She simply stood still, unsure what to do next.  "And you," she said, turning to Jess, "Your eyes sparkle like those sequins there."

     Both girls just stood and looked at her.  Catherine looked to Tim for guidance.  He assisted the girls onto their chairs and pushed their legs beneath the table.

     A waiter approached immediately and laid down menu’s for them all, although Catherine was sure that she detected a slight sniff when he glanced at the girls.  Her sudden appraisal of the recently opened Malaysian Restaurant told her that Lucy and Jess were the only children in the building.

     Tim ordered a bottle of wine and soft drinks for the children while she busied herself perusing the menu.  Her throat had dried and tightened.  She felt panicky and had no idea what to say to the girls.

     "Shall we order straight away?" she asked, hoping the choice would give them something to talk about.

     Tim seemed surprised by her speed.  Normally, when dining out, she preferred to savour the menu over a half glass of wine and leisurely make her choice but tonight wasn’t like any normal night.

     "I think I’ll go for Loh Bak," she said, brightly.  She had tried the pork and prawn rolls elsewhere and hoped that these would live up to her memory.

     Tim took a little more time and Catherine took the opportunity to appraise him.  He looked tired and a little pale.  Although he’d been keeping her up to date with all the presents he was buying for the girls, the task of single parenthood approaching Christmas must be taking its toll on him.  Yet, she realised, not once had he complained.  Instinctively, she reached across the table and squeezed his hand.  

     Without words she hoped that the love and respect she felt for him was reflected in her gaze.  She hoped it was true that eyes were the reflection of the soul because if so he would be left in no doubt as to the way she felt about him.

    
"I’ll go for Sambal Sotong."

     Catherine pulled a face. 
"Squid?"

     He laughed at her expression. 
"Live dangerously."

     She shook her head. 
"Jess?"

    
"Can I have a hamburger, please?"

     Tim leaned over towards her. 
"They don’t do hamburgers here, sweetheart.  Let’s have a look at the menu together."

     Catherine was amazed at the ease with which he communicated with the children and not for the first time a little envious.  She wished it came as naturally to her.

     "Lucy, have you chosen?" she asked, aware that she and her eldest were sitting silently.

     Lucy pointed at the first item on the menu.  Cili Udang.

     "That’s chilli prawns.  Are you sure that’s what you want?"

     Lucy first nodded and then shook her head and Catherine sensed that she was just ordering the first thing she saw so that she was no trouble.

     Catherine leaned over the menu.  "Shall we choose something together that you might like a bit more?"

     Lucy nodded and looked up at her with absolute trust in her eyes.  How can you do that? Catherine wondered silently, looking into the innocent eyes.  Her gaze travelled to Lucy’s cheek and without thinking reached out and touched the soft, warm skin where her hand had struck two and a half months ago.  Contempt shrouded her and she wondered how long it would be before the invisible handprint would fade from her daughter’s face.

     "Are you okay?" Tim asked.

     Catherine nodded, pulling herself together.

     "We’ve decided on Satay Ayam over here."

     Catherine turned to Lucy whose gaze hadn’t altered.  So lovely, so trusting. 
"That’s chicken pieces on a stick.  You have to pull them off, like this," Catherine said, demonstrating.

     Lucy again nodded.

     The waiter approached and Tim recited their order.  As the waiter moved away he left an uneasy silence at the table.

    
"How are Beth and Alex?" Tim asked.

     Catherine relaxed slightly.  Something that she could talk about. 
"I’m still a little worried about Beth.  She seems to act as though nothing has happened.  I’m concerned that the memories have been buried again.  I talk to her almost every day and try to prompt her to talk about things but she always manages to swing the conversation away.  I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by trying to push her."

    
"You’re not an expert, love.  Has she spoken to anyone, a professional I mean?"

    
"She evades the subject every time I try to mention it.  As long as I talk to her about normal everyday things she’s quite content and animated but as soon as I broach any difficult subjects she just clams up and gets off the phone as quickly as possible.  Even Alex is calling her every few days to see if she can get anywhere."

    
"And how is Alex?"

     Catherine told him all about the meeting at AA and the difference it seemed to have made to her sister.  She told him about their daily conversations that were now sometimes being initiated by Alex.  She was in the process of re-counting their earlier conversation when their food was delivered to the table.

     The mixture of aromas assaulted her senses immediately.  The smell of coriander from her own dish mingled with the ginger from the chicken dish.  Lucy and Jess surveyed their own plates but said nothing.

     Suddenly, like a bolt from the sky, Catherine realised that throughout her conversation with Tim the girls had remained silent and unmoving.  She watched as they communicated silently across the table as only twins can and made a pact.  Catherine was surprised that she could tell what had transpired between them.  Neither of them liked the look of what they’d been served but had mutually agreed to silently eat it anyway.

     The horror of the situation crept up on her.  Her children were behaving like two painted dolls.  She was reminded of the three wise monkeys and instead of seeing her daughters sitting either side of her she suddenly saw the automatons that they were trying to be. 

     She glanced around at the stillness of the restaurant.  Couples were engaging in intimate conversations.  The lighting was low and romantic.  Malaysian music played in the background but did nothing to soften the staid, upright atmosphere of the surroundings.  It was a first-date venue, ideal for talking softly and getting to know each other.  It was not suitable for a family meal.

     Catherine dropped her fork, caring little for the noise she made.  "Tim, what the hell are we doing here?"

    
"Huh?"

    
"Hurry and pay the bill," she instructed, breathlessly.  There was no way she was going to be able to get to know her daughters in a place like this.

     Tim left the table and approached the maitre’d.  Catherine could tell that Tim was having to explain that there was nothing wrong with the food.  She didn’t care.

     She took a deep breath and removed her safety rope.  Would she fall.  She leaned down conspiratorially.  "Come here," she said to the girls who looked at each other before lowering their heads.  "On the way here I saw an Ice Rink with a couple of rides and some stalls.  Would you like to go?"

    
"Can I have a burger?" Jess asked, wide-eyed.

     At that moment Catherine felt a rush of love that had previously been alien to her.  She had the strong urge to gather Jess up in her arms and thank her for not being the robot she seemed to be.

     "Of course you can."

    
"And candy floss?" Lucy asked, quietly.

    
"As much as you like."

    
"What’s going on here?" Tim asked, with a strange look in his eyes.

    
"I’d like to go Ice Skating and the girls have agreed to come along and make sure I’m safe."

     Tim laughed at her expression. 
"Let’s go."

     Catherine followed them out of the restaurant and floundered for a second.  On one hand she felt alive and strangely carefree but on the other she felt frightened, terrified that she couldn’t do this, that getting to know her daughters was too huge an obstacle to overcome.  That she would never love them as a mother should.

     Tim handed her Lucy’s coat and woollens as he turned to Jess.  She knelt down to Lucy’s level and froze not knowing what to do.  Suddenly her old fears came back to haunt her and she remembered how she had felt about the children when they were born.  Doubt rendered her immobile.

    
"I can do it, Mummy," Lucy said, taking her breath away.

     Catherine lifted her head and met the questioning eyes of her daughter. 
"How about we do it together?"

     Lucy nodded and squirmed into the coat.  Catherine pulled up the hood and double looped the scarf around her neck.

     Feeling a little more comfortable Catherine glance at the progress of Tim and Jess.  "I think we’re going to win," she said, smiling at Lucy.

     Lucy quickly pulled on the mittens and declared herself the winner.

     "Unfair," Tim cried.  "We didn’t even know that we were racing."

     As they left the stifling cocoon of the atmosphere Jess glanced over but said nothing.  Even beneath the street lamp Catherine could read the suspicion in her eyes.  It occurred to Catherine that she had always known it was going to be harder with Jess.  Although she’d never been close to either of them the silences between her and Lucy had always been a little easier, less fraught with the accusations of her shortcomings as a mother.

     Tim opened the Driver’s door. 

    
"Let’s walk.  It’s only a few streets away," Catherine said.  Although the night was cold, it was clear and crisp and the pavements were empty.

     The girls fell into step together in front and Catherine automatically linked her arm through Tim’s.

     "How is everything at the house?" Despite her absence from their home she often went to sleep thinking of the green Christmas tree with frosted branches that sparkled beneath the fairy lights.  She imagined the tinsel above the fireplace and the two woollen stockings hanging either side of the fire.  She wondered if Tim had attached the card holders to the door.  It was a job that had become ritualistic for her to remind him to do.

    
"Bare."

     She pulled her arm from inside it’s comfortable resting place. 
"Tim, you have to decorate the house.  Just because I’m not there it’s not fair on the girls…"

    
"They won’t let me."

    
"Don’t be silly.  They love to decorate the tree."

    
"They’ve always done it with you.  They won’t let me get the tree until you’re home to do it with them.  Lucy went into a sulk when I tried and Jess threatened to burn the thing down.  And knowing Jess as we do, I felt I had to take that little threat seriously."