The Middle Child (22 page)

     Catherine replaced her arm against Tim’s, her palm wrapped around his forearm.  How could her girls feel like that after all that she’d put them through, after her distance for the whole of their lives.  How could they feel that way?

     "You didn’t think they’d notice that you’d gone, did you?"

     Catherine shook her head. 
"It really was the right thing to do.  I did it for their sake."

    
"And now?" Tim asked, hopefully.

    
"I’m working on it, sweetheart.  I really am."

     Lucy and Jess turned the corner two seconds before Catherine and Tim who almost walked into the back of them.  They had come face to face with a big wheel, a skating rink and a few brightly lit stalls.  It was as though the sight of the amusements switched a flick in both her daughters.  The air was filled with animated chatter of ‘can I’ ‘will you’ ‘does it’. 

     Catherine laughed at their sudden animation.  It was as though someone had suddenly cut away the strings that had bound them.

    
"I want a hamburger," Jess cried.

    
"I want one of those," Lucy said, pointing to a wooden hut selling Frankfurters.

     Catherine realised it was a festive German market that encircled the perimeter of the ice rink.

     "I am feeding them, honest.  It’s just a little past their supper time."

    
"I can understand how they feel.  The smell is delicious."

     They headed over to the food stands and bought an assortment of food which they ate as they perused the stalls.  Christmas had never meant a lot to Catherine but on this night, viewing hand crafted candle holders and her daughters' wonder she began to feel the festive spirit within her.  Gentle carols wafted from speakers around the rink.  A glass of sweet mulled wine with added rum and orange brought a warm flush to her cheeks.

     "I want some chestnuts," Jess cried, as they passed another vendor.

    
"No, Jess, you’ve had quite enough," Tim said, firmly.

    
"I want chestnuts," she screamed, upping the verbal ante.

    
"I said no.  You’ve eaten very late as it is and I don’t want you up with stomach ache all night."

    
"I want…"

    
"Oh Jess, shut up," Lucy said.

     Catherine felt all the warning signs of a major tantrum from Jess.  Her back began to straighten and tension entered her shoulder muscles.  This was her cue to turn and run.  She had never been able to deal with Jess’s tantrums.  The whole night had been too good to be true.  She walked on a few steps.  Tim always knew how to handle these situations and it was better if she didn’t get involved.

     "Shut up yourself," Jess screamed in Lucy’s face.

     Catherine hunched slightly as protection against the shrill voice that had the power to wind her up like a clockwork toy.

     "You always want what you can’t have.  You’re spoilt."

     At Lucy’s words Catherine turned, ready to intervene but not sure how.  Her militant methods had failed miserably in the past.  As she looked at her daughters in a face off she waited for the familiar feelings of despair mixed with anger mixed with impatience mixed with rage.  None came. 

     Instead she found it amazing how Jess’s eyes flashed a different colour when she was angry and how despite Jess’s aggressive posture Lucy refused to back down.  She’d never noticed these things before.  She stood and watched them for a moment longer, eager to find out more about her children.  The shouting of her youngest daughter went over her head as she observed the total passion and conviction that accompanied every word.  By contrast Lucy remained as cool as a cucumber and didn’t rise or react to any of Jess’s insults.  Her face remained a mask of control.  Catherine was mesmerised by these qualities in her children.

     Tim sighed beside her and suddenly the fatigue she’d seen in his face earlier returned and doubled.  Her heart ached for the position she’d put him in but she would never regret her decision to leave.  It had been right for them.

     Without realising what she was doing Catherine moved forward and placed herself between her two girls, facing Jess.  She lowered herself to her hunches so that her face was almost equal to Jess’s.  Confusion reigned in the eyes of her youngest daughter and Catherine saw her body prepare itself for incoming rage.

    
"Jess, you’ve had enough to eat.  You can’t be hungry," she said, reasonably.

     Jess frowned and opened her mouth to argue despite the suspicion in her eyes. 

     "I don’t think you’re going to be able to ice skate if you have any more food.  I think you’ll be ill.  Do you want to ice skate?"

     Jess nodded, her gaze fixed on Catherine’s face, mesmerized by the gentle tone of her words.

     "Let’s go, then," Catherine said, simply.

     Jess began walking in front and then hesitated as though she wasn’t sure what had just happened.  Despite her confusion she followed Lucy to the edge of the rink.

     "Nicely done," Tim said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

    
"Not sure how many times that’ll actually work," Catherine admitted.  "Although I did just learn something.  I realised that although I can’t control  Jess’s actions I can control my own and if I don’t rise to her anger it leaves her no place to go."

    
"Psychology of Parent, Child, Adult."

     Catherine nodded and smiled to herself as though she’d just developed a tar free cigarette.

     The girls were on the ice within minutes and took to it like prize-winning skaters.  Catherine was not so sure.  Once ice borne her legs seemed intent on going in opposite directions and her arms flailed uselessly in thin air.  For safety she began to stagger forward to stop herself from falling down but she realised too late that attempting to walk across the ice on blades was futile.  She landed with a thud.

     Within seconds Tim was beside her and helping her to her feet. 

     "Hang on to me, for what that’s worth, and after a few trips round to show willing we’ll bow out and leave the kids to it."

     Catherine gratefully held onto Tim and although they increased their speed from humiliatingly awful to embarrassingly medium they made little headway on the small graceful figures of the girls who skated hand in hand.

     "Okay, that’s enough for me," Catherine said, making a leap from the ice to solid ground.  She sat down and took the tight skates off immediately.  Tim did the same and exchanged the boots for their shoes.

    
"How do they do it?" Tim asked, shaking his head.

     Catherine followed his gaze as the girls circled in front of them.  Catherine was thrilled to see Lucy’s face alive with the pleasure of the experience.  Her oldest child had always been far too serious and studious.  It was a relief to see innocent, child-like joy in her serious eyes.  For once she didn’t look like an adult in a small body.  She looked how she should look, like a child.

     "I’ve quit my job," Catherine blurted out as the girls reached the far side of the rink.

    
"What…why…I mean…Christ."

     Catherine laughed, understanding his shock.  A few months ago her work had been the most important thing in her life and they had both known it.  It had been her reason to get up each morning.  The point that she had to prove.  The summit that she had to climb.

     "I wasn’t happy," she said, simply.

     He turned on the bench to face her so that she had no alternative but to look into his eyes. 
"And you think I’m going to be satisfied with that answer?"

     Catherine had known that he wouldn’t be and he deserved so much more.

     Keeping one eye on the girls she told him about how her work had developed over the last few months.  She told him about the early mornings and late nights and the fitful sleep she’d had most nights having never felt as though she’d done enough.  She told him that the job had been awful and drained away her creativity and that quite honestly she’d hated every minute of it.  "Go on, you’re entitled.  Say it."

    
"What, that I’m pleased?  I won’t lie.  I am pleased but not for the reasons that you think.  I don’t want to gloat as though it’s some kind of victory.  If it’s made you miserable then it’s no triumph to me.  I’m only pleased that you’re no longer doing a job that you hate.  It’s too political for you.  You love to have ideas.  You long for the limbo time just before sleep so that your best concepts can flourish.  You live to create new visions, thoughts.  Budget sheets and board meetings is not where you are at your best."

     She shrugged. 
"I’m not sure what I’m going to do now."

    
"Of course you are.  You’ll do what you should have done years ago and work for yourself."

    
"But…"

     Tim held up his hand. 
"There is no pressure in what I’m going to say.  When, and I say when instead of if you come back to us because I know that we are strong enough to weather this, so when you come back to us you should start your own business.  Why let others feed off your creativity?  You were always the one with the brilliant ideas.  Start small, work from home and do what you love to do.  Don’t get bogged down in the competitive rat race of reaching every goal out there.  Simply enjoy what you do."

     Catherine thought carefully about his words.  She had urged him many times to go for promotion but he refused every time.  Tim enjoyed being a teacher.  He revelled in opening up new minds to fresh possibilities.  He thrived on seeing new information sink into impressionable brains.  He enjoyed his work.

     She leaned across and kissed his soft lips.  "I love you."

    
"I love you too."

     They fell into an easy silence as the girls continued skating around the rink.  Tim chuckled as Jess fell clumsily and almost catapulted back up to show that the fall hadn’t hurt her.  Within minutes she fell again.

     "I think they’re getting tired now," Tim said.  He signalled for them to return to the edge just as a group of teenagers hit the ice.

    
"You did brilliantly," Catherine said as their red, glowing faces reached her.  The words had come a little easier and she’d meant them

    
"I want to go on that," Jess said, pointing to the big wheel.  Lucy looked up in wonder but when her gaze returned to ground level her eyes were filled with excitement.

     Catherine’s stomach turned and her eyes beseeched Tim.

     "Come on, you’ve been so brave tonight, one more challenge won’t hurt you," Tim said, with a twinkle in his eye.  His statement left her in no doubt that he understood just how hard she was trying.

    
"I can’t, I’m terrified," she protested, even as she felt herself being gently nudged toward the terrifying object.

    
"You’ll love the view."

    
"I’ve seen the inside of my eyelids plenty of times, thanks."

     They hopped into the car.  Tim and Lucy settled on one side and Catherine and Jess sat opposite.  Catherine listened as Tim explained to the girls exactly what they were going to see as the car crested the top of the wheel.  She focused on his words but gave a little start as the car started to move in an anti-clockwise direction.  She focused on the blackness ahead, too frightened to look down and see how high they were climbing.  Tim gave her a reassuring look but she could barely tear her eyes away from a safe view in front of her. 

     As her nerves felt the continued rise her legs began to shake and weaken, as her body grew further away from the safety of hard, solid ground.  The car stopped at the highest point of the wheel and Catherine was sure she was going to suffocate.  Her breathing became laboured in her chest as she focused all her energy on the emergency button.  Her mouth opened to tell Tim to push it before she stopped breathing but she felt something.  She looked down into her lap to see a small hand burrowing inside her own trembling fingers.

    
"It’s okay, Mummy," Jess said, squeezing tightly.  "We’ll be fine."

     A feeling that Catherine had never felt before washed over her with the force of a tsunami.  It washed away the terror that wracked her body and every ounce of fear she had about her love for her girls.  The emotion raging inside her defied belief.  It exploded from her heart and reached out to every corner, every extremity like an erupted volcano.  Every instinct in her body wanted to pull these beautiful, special, gifted girls to her and hold them tightly and never let them go.

     Tears gathered in her eyes and began to spill over onto her cheeks.  Tim frowned but she smiled through the tears, assuring him that she was okay. 

    
"Jess, I think you’re right and if Lucy would come and protect me on the other side I think I’d feel a whole lot better."

     Lucy scrambled across the car and Catherine raised both arms so that the girls could snuggle against her.  The sensation of their small bodies against her own was alien but well overdue.  Her arms around them felt that they were doing what they had been designed to do.