The Middle Child (25 page)

    
"The truth, Alex."

    
"I wanted to see if you’d changed anything.  I wondered if all the stuff would be gone, as though you’d deleted me from your life." 

     Nikki’s eyes bore into hers and Alex knew she could hold nothing back.  Nikki’s gaze was peeling back the remaining layers of secrecy. 
"And for a moment I wanted to pretend that nothing had changed."

     Emotion rose up in her throat.  For those few minutes that morning she had allowed herself to think that she was back in her cherished world, back in the only place she had ever felt safe and the best chance she’d ever have for escaping the future that had been laid down by fate or her mother.

     A tear spilled over her cheek as the enormity of what she’d thrown away settled all around her.  It lived in the furniture, the walls, the flickering candle lights, the very essence of the room, and of course, Nikki.

    
"Do you still love me?"  Nikki asked, her hands wrung out and still.

    
"I’ve done things that I can never undo.  I’ve hurt you so much."

    
"I said, do you still love me?"

     Alex nodded dumbly.  Never had it been so painfully clear what she had lost.  She loved this woman more than she had ever thought possible and she had thrown it away because she couldn’t believe that she’d deserved it.  That was her own problem to resolve.  It should never have been Nikki’s.

     "Of course I still love you," Alex breathed.  Never more so.  It was her time with Nikki that had allowed Alex to be herself.  During the early months she had blossomed into someone that she could almost like but that was before she’d done the damage.

     Nikki took her hand gently, nervously; and Alex followed.

     Nikki opened the door to the spare room.  "This is what I found."

     Alex viewed the desk and the computer that lit the room.  A desk lamp, her desk lamp arced over the edge of the desk and shone onto her old exercise books filled with notes and stories.  A single shelf was filled with books ranging from Ancient Wisdom to Psychology to Quotations.  Some she recognised and some were new.

     Alex turned to Nikki who had not loosed her hand. "But I don’t understand."

    
"I found something that I thought you might need, Alex.  It’s your life.  Your life here with me."

Chapter 19 – Catherine

    
"Turn right.  It’s that Green door on the left."

     Tim pulled up and parked easily.

     Catherine viewed the house.  With Tim beside her and the girls chattering she didn’t feel quite so intimidated.  Now, it was just a house.

    
"Can you manage those?" Catherine asked as the girls jumped out of the car, laden with festive bags full of gifts.  She had made sure that the bags weren’t too heavy and was rewarded with seeing four similar eyes roll upwards.

     The door was answered before they had knocked and Beth stood before them clad in black jeans and a red roll-neck jumper.  Catherine was a little disappointed that Beth felt the need to hide herself to family but she said nothing.

     Beth offered her hand to Tim.  "I’ve heard so much about you."

     Tim ignored the outstretched hand and pulled her into a warm embrace. 

     "Hello Aunty Beth," the girls said, walking nonchalantly past the hugging couple and Catherine had never been so proud of her family.

     Tim let Beth go and Catherine saw the flush of pleasure on her sister’s face.  Catherine followed suit and hugged her warmly. 

     "Merry Christmas, Beth," she whispered into her hair.  As she let Beth go Catherine stared in awe at the new front room.  Beth had transformed it. 

     The anaglypta wallpaper had been covered with magnolia paint and a couple of attractive water colour prints.  The busy brown carpet had been replaced with beech laminate flooring and a huge mirror dominated the fireplace wall.  The suite from the other room had been covered with cream throws and festive candles littered the surfaces gracefully. 

     A five foot lush green tree adorned the alcove to the right of the fireplace.  Presents were stacked around the bucket in matching red paper which contrasted beautifully with the array of silver decorations that sparkled from the tree.

    
"Wow, Beth, what a transformation," she said, turning around to fully appreciate the style that had worked its magic on the room.  "It’s fantastic.  Are you going to take our advice and sell up?"

     Beth’s pleasure disappeared as she shook her head. 
"No, I won’t move from here."

     It was said with such finality that Catherine decided that there were other days better suited to tackling that particular problem.  She felt strongly about Beth’s inability to move on with her life while remaining in this house.  Beth would not discuss it.

     "Thank you for inviting us," Tim said, remembering manners for all of them.

    
"Not at all," Beth said, taking their coats.  "I’m pleased that you’re here."

     There really hadn’t been any question when Catherine had received the phone call two days earlier and asked for just one decent Christmas together.  Although they had already arranged to go to Tim’s mother for lunch he had happily delayed that visit until the early evening. 

     "That’ll be Alex," Beth said, as a thunderous knock startled them all.

     Catherine turned expectantly, eager to meet Nikki.  During their last couple of phone calls Alex had talked about Nikki so much Catherine felt as though she might glide into the room atop a pool of melted snow.

     Beth hugged Alex and Catherine could see that her younger sister tolerated the contact and even attempted to return it but there was still a long way to go.  Nikki walked in almost shyly behind Alex and Catherine warmed to her on sight. 

     Her slightly hunched demeanour spoke of someone on the outside.  As far as she was concerned they were all on the outside and this situation was new to them all.

     "Hi sis," Alex said, nudging her in the ribs.  Catherine understood that to be Alex’s attempt at friendly sisterly contact but it was not sufficient.  She turned to Alex and forced her into a hug.  Alex squirmed as though she was nine years old being suffocated by an affectionate grand-mother.  Catherine laughed at her discomfort and whispered, "She doesn’t look gay."

    
"Meaning that I do?" Alex said, affronted.

     Catherine chuckled at the offence in her sister’s eyes.  Catherine turned and caught Beth’s stare which she quickly tore away, but not before Catherine saw the satisfaction that lurked there.  She briefly had the look of someone who has crossed a barrier and achieved some great feat.  When Beth turned around the expression had been replaced by a look that was darting all over the place, eager to collect coats and offer drinks.

     Catherine traversed the short but busy space towards Nikki and introduced herself.  The wariness began to dissolve from her eyes.  Catherine gripped her hand tightly.

    
"Anyone who can put up with her has my love, respect and sympathy in equal measure."

     Nikki returned the squeeze of the hand. 
"I can’t argue with an obviously intelligent woman."

    
"Oh, Alex, she’s a keeper," Catherine cried over her shoulder.

     Catherine was relieved to see the tension fade from her eyes.  There was something genuine about Nikki that she liked immediately.  She sensed that the woman wore every expression openly. 

     "Please, sit down," Beth said, graciously.  The room was crowded with five adults and two children.  Catherine wondered if they might have to play musical chairs to get a seat. 

     Nikki took the single chair by the window opposite to the other single chair beside the Christmas tree into which Alex had flopped.  Catherine and Tim eased down onto the three seat sofa and following some good-natured tussling between the girls Lucy got the third seat and Jess sat on the floor in between her sister’s feet. 

     Catherine hid the smile that started in her stomach.  The balance of power between the two of them was shifting and Lucy occasionally got her own way which was surprising but even more so was the fact that Jess didn’t have a tantrum every time she did.  The dynamics were changing and they both seemed to accept it.

    
"Shall I take the presents out of the bags?" Jess asked, turning her face towards Catherine.  Her eyes had already settled on the pile of presents beneath the tree.  Catherine forgave her impatience.  She would have felt the same if she had ever seen presents beneath a tree in this house.

    
"Take them out and place them over in that corner," she said, pointing to the other alcove.  "So that no-one trips over them."  Catherine was conscious of the limited space in the small room.

     Beth returned with a tray holding seven small glasses of a milky yellow liquid. 
"It’s egg nog, " she said, lowering the tray for everyone to take a glass.  "There’s no alcohol in it," she offered to no-one in particular but the words found Alex’s ears first.

    
"May I?" Beth asked Alex, indicating that she would like to sit in the chair nearest to the presents.

     Alex removed her gangly legs from the chair and positioned herself on the floor in front of Nikki’s legs.

     Catherine sipped at the warm liquid and found it surprisingly tasty and creamy.   A gentle heat coursed through her and she found herself contented and calm.  From the kitchen she could hear the low humm of Christmas carols playing on the radio.

    
"Do you mind if I…" Beth asked, indicating the pile of presents.

    
"Of course," they all chorused.

     As Beth leaned over the edge of the chair Catherine was struck by a distant memory.  She had the vague recollection of the three of them in bed one Christmas Eve night.  Despite their shared terrors they had still had the innocence to hope. 

     They had all lay on Catherine’s bed, listening out for the sound of sleigh bells and although they had all known that Santa didn’t exist in their house some flicker of hope ignited and shone every Christmas Eve. 

     They had lain there and shared their fantasies and agreed on one definitive version of heaven.  They hoped that they would be woken gently by their mother to find stockings filled with fruit and nuts at the bottom of their beds.  They had hoped that they would tear downstairs into a warm cosy room to find a pile of presents beneath a sparkling tree.  They had hoped that their mother would sit beside the presents and hand them out one by one with an expectant air and a loving smile.

     Catherine glanced across at Beth whose eyes were alive with anticipation and was in no doubt that she remembered too.  It was clear to her that Beth was trying to act out the fantasy that they had all dreamt many years ago.  She felt a rush of love for her sister’s generous nature.  All her life she had put other people before herself.

    
"This one is for Jess and this one is for Lucy."

     Catherine was relieved that they both had the manners to say thank you.  She was beginning to realise that as a parent even the silliest things were a cause for concern.  Her children’s manners had never occurred to her before but now they were important.  She wanted them to demonstrate the polite and loving children that she knew them to be. 

     Catherine leaned forward feeling the eagerness of their shining expressions as though their excitement was her own.  "What is it?"

    
"Give them chance, love," Tim said, also leaning forward.

     Unsurprisingly, Jess got into her package first and pulled out a Hello Kitty backpack.  Catherine was thrilled. 

     "Cool, Aunty Beth, cool."

     Beth seemed to take the word cool for thank you as Lucy managed to gain access to her package.  A set of Beatrix Potter books lit up her daughter's face.

     "And this is for Tim."

    
"You really shouldn’t have," Tim said, seriously.  Good manners dictated that one did not buy presents for virtual strangers but then again, he hadn’t bargained on Beth.

     Catherine watched with interest as he unwrapped a waterproof sports watch with all sorts of gadgets including a stop watch.  Catherine was shocked.  She had told Beth that Tim had started swimming laps again and this gift would be invaluable.  She was also a little dismayed that she hadn’t thought of it.

     Tim struggled to hide his embarrassment.  "Really, Beth, I can’t accept this."

    
"Don’t be silly.  You’ve been my brother-in-law for seven years.  Call it a catch-up present."

     Tim looked to her for guidance.  He was struggling with conscience and good manners but Catherine shook her head slightly, instructing him to accept.  This was Beth’s chance to act out their dream, their fantasy.  It was important to her.

     "Oh look another two for the girls," Beth said, excitedly, as though just discovering them for the first time.  They all laughed and the atmosphere became one of fun and excitement.  The girls eagerly ripped off the paper to find a pair of walkie talkies.

    
"Nikki, I hope you like this," Beth said, handing her what looked like a rather heavy looking box.  Nikki thanked her, genuinely surprised at Beth’s thoughtfulness.  She opened the wrapper to display a black box with a buckle fastener.  When opened it revealed a treasure chest of art materials, linseed oil, turpentine, canvasses, a palette and a selection of brushes and pencils.

    
"I don’t know what to say," Nikki said, shaking her head in amazement.  She lifted the brushes with the reverence of a true artist.

    
"Jeez, thanks sis.  Makes my gift look kinda crappy," Alex moaned, good-naturedly.  Catherine could see that she was touched by Beth’s thoughtfulness.

    
"Oh look, last two for a couple of little girls."

     Catherine had had enough. 
"Beth, this really is too much.  I can’t let you…"

    
"Catherine, shut up," Beth said, firmly.

     Catherine’s mouth slammed shut whilst Alex burst out laughing. 
"Christ, It’s a miracle."

     Catherine offered her a withering look to which Alex bobbed out her tongue.

     "Well at least let us give you a gift," Catherine said, regaining the use of her mouth.

    
"Let me do this my way, please."

     The girls opened their gifts at the same time and shared an intake of breath.  Lying inside a velvet box on black velvet cushions were gold bracelets that differed only in the colour of the stones that were separated yet held together by gold knots the whole way round.  Jess’s bracelet was filled with tiny sapphires and Lucy’s with emeralds.

     "Tim, will you please speak to her?" Catherine begged.  The bracelets looked very expensive and Catherine felt uncomfortable.

     Tim shrugged. 
"If she’s anything like her sister she’s hardly going to listen to me."

     Beth ignored them and turned to the girls who were transfixed by the jewellery. 
"They’re not the same but they’re similar.  They’re both precious and beautiful.  I want you to look at these and remember that you’re sisters, just like mummy and Aunty Alex."

    
"And Aunty Beth," Alex finished.