The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived (31 page)

The
mob, emboldened by adrenalin and sheer weight of numbers, replied with catcalls
and footpath gravel.

‘We had
best be away,’ Tuppe, on the tall boy’s shoulder, called into the tall boy’s
ear.

And as
a tattooed vest-wearer swung a waste-paper bin through the window of the
village off-licence and things took a very ugly turn, Cornelius agreed that best
being away was probably all for the best.

‘This is bad, this is very
bad.’ Old Claude jigged about in a quiet and hidden corner behind the
serviceable big sky nozzle. ‘Those evil beasties will do for poor little
Norman. The job won’t get jobbed at all. Very bad it is. So very bad.’

He
ceased his jigging and chewed upon a bony knuckle. ‘Do something, you old
fart,’ he told himself. ‘Help the wee boy. You’re the real controller, you know
how it all works, do something.’

Old
Claude kicked the big sky nozzle, then hobbled about on one foot. ‘Send him
some help. Yes that’s it, that’s it. Beam him down some help. You could do
that. You could work out the calculations. Take time, though, take time. Well,
don’t stand around like a dildo at a dance competition. Get to it. Get to it.’

And Old
Claude got to it.

‘Get to it, Chunky,’
called Hugo Rune. ‘Morris Minor at three o’clock.’

‘Bloody
crime to shoot up a Morris, doncha think, Rune?’

‘Fair
game,’ Rune lobbed a hand grenade.

Somewhere
high above God winced, but knew not why.

‘All
pretty much done, I think.’ Chunky pulled up his Sherman tank beside that of
Rune. ‘Showed the blighters, eh, what?’

‘You
had best radio for some reinforcements to ring the town around, Chunky. Nothing
in and nothing out, understood?’

‘Tickety-boo.’
Chunky did the business. ‘Time for a snifter or two I reckon. Where do you want
to set up HQ? Much of the town now gone to ruination. Shame about that hotel.
Casablanca Suite, classy affair.’

‘The
vicarage is still standing,’ Rune observed. ‘Holds a commanding view of the
bay.’

‘Holds
a lot of luggage in the basement too. But decent wine cellar.’

‘Perfect
then, let us repair there forthwith. I have a call or two to make, then I’ll
fill you in on all the details.’

‘Good
show, old man. Good show.’

‘I’m quite lost,’ puffed
Cornelius, stumbling through bushes and briars.

‘There’s
a road up ahead,’ said Tuppe, clinging to the tall boy’s hair.

‘There’s
a road up ahead. And shit! There’s a Jeep coming. Duck down, duck down!’

Cornelius
ducked down into unspeakable country stuff. The Jeep sped by.

‘We’re
safe,’ said Tuppe.

‘I am
covered in cow pooh,’ said Cornelius.

‘But we
are
safe, don’t knock it.’

The
Jeep screamed to a halt and backed up.

‘We’re
not safe,’ said Tuppe. ‘Knock it as much as you want.’ The Jeep screamed to
another halt.

‘I can
see you,’ called the voice of Norman. ‘Hurry up and get in.

Cornelius
and Tuppe hurried up and did so.

Thelma
put the Jeep into gear once more and off they all sped together.

‘Are
you two all right?’ Louise asked.

‘I’m
fine,’ said Tuppe. ‘The policemen duffed Cornelius up, but then they always
do.’

‘And I
lost all my money again,’ said Cornelius, ‘but then
I
always do.’

‘And
there’s the invasion of monsters from outer space going on,’ said Tuppe, ‘which
isn’t helping matters much.’

‘I
think we should withdraw to a place of safety for a couple of days,’ Cornelius
held down his hair. ‘Think things through, make some kind of definite plan.’

‘And
get your clothes dry-cleaned,’ was Norman’s suggestion. ‘You’re covered in cow
poohs by the way. You don’t half hum.’

‘He
does, doesn’t he?’ Tuppe held his nose. ‘But I thought we
had
a plan.
Aren’t we going to blow the piers up?’

‘If
that’s the plan’, Thelma called back, ‘then we’d better get right onto it. I
just picked up a broadcast from the Brigadier on the field radio here. He’s
called for his big bulldozers to be brought in, the pylons are coming down
tonight.’

‘Tonight?’
Cornelius fell back amongst his hair. ‘Then Rune’s moved everything forward.’

‘Forward
to tomorrow night by the sound of it. And armed men now have all the roads into
Skelington Bay blocked off. You can listen to it all going on, if you want.’

‘I
want,’ Cornelius leaned forward. ‘Could you stop the Jeep, Thelma, and let
Tuppe and I ride in the front?’

‘I am
quite capable of driving, thank you.’

‘I know
that, I’m asking you a favour, that’s all.’

‘Fair
enough.’ Thelma swerved the Jeep to a halt. She and Louise got out, while
Cornelius and Tuppe shinned over into the front seat.

‘Are
the back tyres OK?’ Cornelius asked. ‘Only they seem a bit soft.’

‘We’ll
have a look.’

‘Thanks,’
Cornelius put the Jeep back into gear and tore off along the lane, ‘for
everything.’

‘Hang
about,’ Norman bobbed up and down in the rear seat. ‘You’ve left the birds
behind. They don’t half look angry. Stop the Jeep.’

Cornelius
looked at Tuppe.

And
Tuppe looked at Cornelius.

‘I knew
you were going to do that,’ said Tuppe.

‘But
you didn’t say anything.’

‘No,
because I knew
why
you were going to do it. You don’t want any harm to
come to them. I don’t either.’

‘Very
touching,’ said Norman, rolling his eyes. ‘But if we can’t stop Hugo Rune, then
they’re going to snuff it along with everyone else. And far be it from me to
put my fourpenny worth in, but I’d say you just reduced our chances of success
by a factor of two. Those girls are pretty smart.’

‘Which
is more than can be said for your hair-do,’ said Cornelius. ‘My hair-do? What,
can you see me now?’

‘I can,
just. But I hope that Rune won’t be able to, at all.’

Rune and Chunky were
punishing the padre’s port in the front garden of the vicarage. Picturesque
vicarage, local stone, Georgian flat front with cozy porch. No sign of the
dreaded UPVC. Rugs on oak floorboards within and ne’er a hint of a
swirly-whirly carpet tile.

Cane
steamer chairs were being sat upon. Hollyhocks waved at the sky, which was blue
hereabouts. Bumble bees drifted, spiders dangled, honeysuckle climbed
imperceptibly.

‘Damn
fine port,’ said Chunky, pouring himself another measure. ‘And damn fine tale
that you’ve told me. Gold from the sea, eh? Who’d have thought it? Splendid
wheeze. Still, can’t say I quite understand the mechanics of the thing. Get the
part about electroplating and using the piers as monster electrodes, get the
pylons carrying the heavy-duty cables from each pier to the top of Druid’s Tor.
Bit baffled by the radio masts connected to the ends though. And where you’re
going to get all the electrical energy from.’

Rune
smiled and poured port for himself, but from a different bottle. ‘Many years
ago’, said he, ‘I arrived at a theory regarding the afterlife, the nature of
the soul, how things functioned on a universal level. I was quite certain that
my propositions were correct, but it was necessary for me to put all to the
test. And so, in the name of science and the cause of
Ultimate Truth,
I
committed suicide.’

‘You
did
what?’
The Brig took to a fit of coughing. ‘Damn me, Rune, you do
talk some unmitigated drivel at times.’

‘Nevertheless,
that
is
what I did. My action proved entirely justified, I learned the
true nature of the soul and I learned of the fallibility of God, which has all
to do with ‘bollocks’ but I shan’t bore you with that here. And I was able to
infiltrate a certain
Company
and gain total control of it.’

‘Haven’t
the foggiest idea what you’re talking about, Rune.’

‘But
you shall. What is important for you to know now is that the present controller
of this company is organizing the necessary power to energize the piers and
draw the gold from the sea. But as this will be happening tomorrow night,
instead of Friday night, it is imperative that he be informed of the change in
schedule. So I’d like
you
to deliver a message.’

‘Me?
How dare you, sir. I’m not some bally messenger
boy. Telephone the cove, speak to him yourself.’

‘Regrettably
that cannot be done, and I cannot deliver the message myself, I am awaiting the
arrival of my brother who is flying in from America, to collect a certain item
and bring it to me here.’

‘Never
knew you had a brother, Rune. Big fat bastard like yourself, is he?’

‘Identical,’
said sweetly smiling Rune. ‘As are my other brothers, one of which has
unaccountably gone missing, but I have mentioned this in the message you must
deliver.’

‘I’m
not delivering any messages, I told you.’

‘You’ll
deliver this one,’ Rune handed Chunky an envelope. On it were printed the
fateful words:

STRICTLY PERSONAL.

FOR THE EYES OF THE CONTROLLER

OF THE UNIVERSAL REINCARNATION

COMPANY ONLY.

BY HAND.

‘Have
another glass of port,’ said Hugo Rune. ‘It will help you on your way.

34

‘Whoa!’ went Cornelius,
applying the brakes.

‘Oooh!’
went Tuppe, disappearing onto the floor.

‘Aaaagh!’
went Norman, sailing over the windscreen to whack down onto the cliff-top road
beyond.

‘What
is happening?’ Tuppe struggled up and climbed onto the passenger seat.

‘Up
there,’ Cornelius pointed. ‘Circling above Skelington Bay, look at them.’

‘It’s
the black beasties that attacked us. What
are
they, Cornelius?’

‘I
don’t know
what
they are, but I’d hazard a guess as to who sent them
after us.’

‘Look
at my overall,’ Norman complained,
as
he limped back to the Jeep.
‘Charred already and now torn at both knees. And look at my knees: grazed.
Bloody hurts, what a bummer.’

‘Sorry,’
said Cornelius.

‘Look
at
them,’
Tuppe pointed. ‘Do you know what they are?’

Norman
squinted towards the circling shapes. ‘They do look familiar. How do they get
their wings to work like that? I was looking for a technique of that sort when
my dad — aw shit, yes, they
are
familiar, there were drawings of them in
The Necronomicon.’

‘Mates
of yours, Cornelius,’ said Tuppe. ‘You being Son of Satan and all.’

‘Thanks
very much. But this further complicates matters — armed guards ringing the
town, cars on the rampage within, and fiends from Hell circling above.’

‘Sewers,’
said Norman.

‘Pardon?’
said Cornelius.

‘Sewers.
When Skelington Bay has its yearly festival, the most popular event, other than
the man-powered-falling-into-the-sea competition, is the sewer tour. I’ve been
on it, it’s brilliant, we could go down a manhole and enter the town through
the sewers.’

‘No
thank you,’ said Cornelius. ‘I smell bad enough as it is. There has to be
another way.’

‘We’ve
got a Jeep,’ said Tuppe. ‘Why not disguise ourselves as soldiers and drive
straight up, saying we’ve got an urgent message for Hugo Rune, or something?’

‘Not
bad. But not the way
I
would do it.’

‘Oh,
excuse me,’ said Tuppe. ‘And what way would
you
do it?’

‘That
way,’ Cornelius pointed beyond the cliffs towards the sea. ‘There’s no need for
us to enter the town at all. If we were to “acquire” a small boat, we could row
it out to sea under cover of darkness, set the charges on the ends of the
piers, light the blue touch-paper, then retire to a safe place somewhere near
the horizon.’

‘I like
that,’ said Norman. ‘Do you like that, Tuppe?’

‘I do
indeed.’

‘Are you
being sarcastic?’ Cornelius asked.

‘Certainly
not. Blowing up the piers was my idea after all.’

‘Good.’

‘Good.’
Tuppe rubbed his little hands together. ‘So, as soon as Norman has gathered all
the various chemical components required for the manufacture of powerful
explosives, constructed the timing trigger mechanisms, et cetera, and installed
these carefully into the boat that you will have acquired, along with all the
technical skills and navigational know-how necessary to row and pilot it by
night, we’ll be off on our way. Piece of cake, eh, lads?’