The Price of Falling (24 page)

‘OK,’ she smiled.

‘OK, then,’ I smiled back.

So I was finally coming to terms with being gay. I didn't feel so bad about it. Although sometimes I could still hear my Dad shouting about how 'wrong' it all was. It didn't feel wrong to me. He had chosen to not be involved in my life anyway. For all he knew I was seeing Sylvia and he was
still
ignoring me. So I ignored them. I didn't want to be miserable any more.

Alicia stood by me, that was all I needed for now. I would just see what happened. I wasn't about to join the Gay Pride parade (although I did watch it when it went through the city) but I was edging myself in slowly.

I saw Ryan again at the gym. When he smiled at me I knew he'd suggest we go back to his. I hooked up with him a couple more times. When I was last in his apartment I finally noticed that he shared it with someone else. The signs were all there; two sets of things on different night stands, different styles of clothes at opposite ends of the bedroom. Two sets of everything in the restroom. I suddenly felt a bit weird.

‘Oh yeah,’ he said easily. ‘I have a boyfriend. He's away a lot.’

‘Oh,’ I said, not sure what else to say.

‘It's fine, we have an open relationship.’

I nodded but still felt weird about it. What was an open relationship anyway? I didn't want to sneak around behind his partner's back. But I didn't particularly want to ask his partner's permission and have him know about it either.

It was definitely weird. Or maybe I was new to all this, I had no idea. I knew that I did think it was too bad, I probably could've liked Ryan. He was very attractive. But no way was I getting into this, it sounded complicated.

We did still hang out though. Ryan seemed to like me and I enjoyed his company. Everything in his world was so new to me. Like his hair, for instance. Ryan had perfectly quaffed hair with blonde highlights. It was very trendy and I found myself wanting to look like that, to fit in.

‘Where'd you get your hair done?’ I asked him one day, interested. I didn't realize how camp that sounded until I'd said it.

Ryan grinned. ‘His name is Sam Howard, and he works in that fabulous Hard Cuts. Very exclusive you know.’

‘But you got in,’ I joked.

‘Maybe they'll let you in too,’ he quipped back.

I convinced Ryan to take me along with him next time he went. I'd only ever been in a no-frills men's salon before, not an over-the-top fashionable hair-dressers. Ryan, his usual flirty self, seemed on friendly terms with the in-demand stylist Sam Howard. Sam's hair was shaved up one side and sculpted on the other, with shocks of color through it. I hoped he wouldn't do anything like that to me, I panicked as he threw a gown round my shoulders.

‘I'll just put some highlights in,’ Sam waved his tint brush at me.

‘I don't think they'll suit me,’ I pleaded. ‘I'm not a highlights kinda guy.’

‘Nonsense!’ he argued. ‘Who is your hair guru? Just trust me!’

He did the highlights. He wanted to make them dramatic but I convinced him to keep it subtle. I didn't want to get funny looks at work. Everyone liked the haircut though.

‘You look very trendy,’ Alicia commented when she saw me. ‘What's next, pierced ear?’

‘Lay off,’ I grinned.

I did like my hair though. I started to take more of an interest in clothes too. I wanted to look good for a change, not boring. I still tried to look conservative for work but the new suits I bought had little hints of flair, like vibrant silk lining. I picked out colored, patterned ties instead of dark, plain ones. It wasn't too much of a stand out, luckily thanks to the fashion a lot of guys wore pink ties or pink shirts anyway.

I started going out with Ryan and his friends. I still wasn't that comfortable being in clubs but I was getting better. I figured there was no point only going to straight bars with the guys from work, or sitting at home on my own.

And I did like Ryan. It was a shame he had a boyfriend.

I met said boyfriend when he was back in town and came out with us. I actually liked him too. I was surprised when Ryan noticed and whispered in my ear about the three of us going home together.

While the initial thought sent a nervous tingle down my spine, I had to wrestle with the idea of saying yes. I'd only just met these guys and was worried about making some sort of mistake that would turn them against me. I'd seen enough of that watching Jason and his friends blur the lines of friendship and get jealous with each other. I decided I was more desperate for friends than I was for sex, and politely declined.

They weren't too worried. Ryan seemed confident I'd change my mind. Maybe I would but for the moment I was content. I took to a pattern of going to two different gyms different nights of the week, either with Aaron or with Ryan.

On Friday nights I'd go for a drink after work with Aaron, then on Saturdays I'd go out with Ryan and his friends. With Ryan I also went shopping, even sat in little cafés and had brunch. Things I never thought in a million years I would do with other guys.

When we went out to the clubs we often met with Sam, who would run his hands through my hair saying something like, ‘It should go more like this. Are you using the products I gave you?’

‘Kind of,’ I'd reply.

Before, if another guy had touched me in public like that I'd have frozen on the spot, or run for the door. I think I was getting used to it though, maybe even liking it a little.

It was still daunting but I was starting to enjoy living in New York at last.

For my twenty-second birthday I actually had friends outside of work to do something with at the weekend. Ryan and Sam arranged it all, we went out to a trendy new bar and got real drunk.

Well, Sam usually got drunk but this time even more than normal. They even presented me with a miniature cake. Not that I was fond of sweets but I was very touched.

Alicia was in her second year of college, so she'd moved out of the dorm and into my spare room. I never brought guys back to my apartment but it didn't bother me. I liked to keep my place for only me and her.

It had been almost four years since I'd been sent away from home, and three years since I'd been in New York. I may had lost contact with my parents and my little sister but I'd have to live with that. I had just about gotten over my broken heart and was finally starting to enjoy my life.

Then everything changed.

In April 1992, I had an opportunity and I took it. I finally managed to drag Jason Reilly back into my life.

Chapter 10

On Tuesday April 12th, just after lunch Tara put a call through to me.

‘It's your Mom,’ she said.

‘Oh, right.’

I was surprised. I hadn't spoken to Mom for well over a year.

‘Put her through.’ I waited for the click then started to say hi but stopped as I heard her crying. ‘Mom, what's wrong?’

Once she managed to control her sobs, she said, ‘It's your father, they think he's had a stroke.’

My heart plummeted to my stomach. ‘When?’ I asked.

‘Just this morning. We're at the hospital. They don't know if- if-’

She broke down again.

I guessed what she was trying to tell me. They didn't know if he'd pull through.

‘We'll be on the next plane over,’ I told her. ‘Just hold on.’

I called Alicia's college immediately to get her excused. Then I called my boss Ray and explained I had to take emergency leave. I never had absences and rarely had holiday, so it wasn't a problem.

When Alicia called my office from college I told her to get a cab straight to the airport, we didn't have time to pack. We could buy what we needed and I arranged to meet her there.

She was sobbing when I found her. I had to console her as we rushed to the check in. I'd already purchased some expensive tickets on a plane leaving soon. Hopefully we'd get there in time.

We spent the flight to Texas worrying. I got Alicia to tell me about her college assignments instead, trying to keep her occupied. She was real upset. I was too but more shocked. I felt sad that it was under these circumstances I was being invited home. If Alicia had been at home with them I wondered if Mom would have even bothered to call me.

As soon as we touched down we got a cab straight to Ellwood, I didn’t want to mess around with hire cars. Ellwood only had one hospital and I'd written the ward on a piece of paper.

The cab dropped us off at Ellwood Trinity and we rushed through to the ward. A nurse walked us past rows of beds and pale green curtains. I saw Mom up ahead, sitting next to a bed with Dad lying in it.

We stood over him as Alicia hugged Mom, they were both sobbing.

‘Oh, your hair looks nice,’ Mom said between sobs.

I smiled absently. I was too distracted, looking down at Dad.

He seemed asleep, but then his eyes would flicker open, and his lips looked like they were trying to move.

‘How's he doing?’ I asked.

Mom dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief. Her make-up was smudged, most of it scraped away. I'd never seen her like this before, she was always so composed.

‘Well,’ she sniffed. ‘He's stable now, but they don’t know how much...’ She had to swallow to continue talking. Alicia had her arm around her. ‘They don't know how much damage has been done, to his brain.’

‘Where's the doctor?’ Alicia asked. Her make-up was running too but luckily she didn't wear as much as Mom.

‘They'll be back in a minute to take him for more tests,’ Mom explained. ‘They said they couldn't do any more until the swelling in his head goes down.’

Mom was close to tears again.

I couldn't believe it, I was so shocked. To see the man who had put fear into me for pretty much my entire life just lying there helpless...

It felt strange, not real.

‘Do you want a drink?’ I offered.

Mom nodded.

‘I'll go get some drinks,’ I said, wandering out of the ward.

The hospital echoed with beeps of machines and the hushed talking of the nurses. There were some empty beds, and some more frail looking patients sleeping in others. I tried not to breathe too deeply as the stale air mixed with disinfectant was making me feel sick.

At the ward's front desk I found a nurse and asked her about my Dad. I got a bit more information than Mom had been able to give. As far as they knew Dad had suffered from what they believed to be a stroke some time this morning, which probably would have been a surprise to him. They'd run a few tests but wouldn't get any results back yet, and the next twenty-four hours would be the most crucial to determine how much control he would get back.

I was still in shock as I went to find a drinks machine. I was in no rush to get back to the ward and see Dad like that. I found myself wandering around hallways not sure what to do.

They had to keep Dad overnight. There was one guest cot on offer, which we agreed Mom should take. She didn't want to be away from him, and we wanted her to rest. She gave Alicia her keys to the house so we could go home.

I couldn't help but notice she gave the keys to Alicia, not me. Even though I was the older one with the money and the driving license. My keys to their home had been confiscated when Dad packed me off to live with Blake. Alicia still had a set of keys but she'd left them in her room back in New York. I didn't have a set of keys to my family home, so Mom giving those keys to Alicia did sting me a bit.