The Price of Falling (34 page)

I hated to see him look at me like that, like he absolutely hated me.

‘Can I sit down?’ I asked.

Jason looked incredulous. ‘Oh, you're fucking asking my permission now! Well that makes a fucking change, doesn't it!’

I sighed. It wasn't exactly a no. I took a step forward and sat down on the bed, at what I thought was a polite distance. Jason obviously disagreed, and moved further away to the end, leaning back against the wall and folding his arms.

‘Just do what you fucking like then,’ he tried to say in the midst of a cough.

‘I needed to talk to you,’ I began, watching his reaction. ‘But I couldn't do that with you barely conscious and kids trying to mug me. I was worried about you.’

‘I'm fine. You could have fucking waited. I'm not a total waster, I do still have a brain.’

‘Jason, you're ill,’ I said. ‘If you don't have medication you'll get worse and...’

I couldn't finish the words.

‘Look,’ I pleaded, ‘will you just please take the meds?’

He still frowned at me. ‘Why should I?’

‘Because,’ I said, trying to keep my voice level. ‘I can't lose you.’

I swallowed the lump in my throat and watched his frown slowly disappear. His eyes were searching mine, my face. He seemed confused but at least he wasn't shouting at me anymore.

After a long moment he said quietly, ‘What do you mean?’

‘I can't lose you again,’ I said.

His frown returned. ‘I've been here, I told you where I was.’

‘Yeah,’ I sighed. ‘My sister only just gave me your notes after all this time. I never knew.’

Jason was silent, eyes dropping down. I waited, feeling more awkward than I'd ever felt, but so thankful I had this chance to talk to him.

Still looking down, he said, ‘I was here, I never left. No-one knew where you were, but you knew I'd be here.’

I felt a prickle at that. ‘I didn't know for sure,’ I countered. ‘You always said you were gonna move away, I assumed you'd done that.’

Jason looked up at me, his eyes glistening. ‘Well I didn't have any fucking money, did I!’

‘I'm sorry,’ I said. ‘Again, I didn't know. I was shipped off to a very religious family, I couldn't do anything there. As soon as I got my own place and realized I could do what I wanted I called your Aunt, but she didn't tell me anything useful.’

Jason snorted. ‘Well duh.’

‘I'm sorry, I thought you'd gotten on with your life. If I'd known...’

I stopped, not knowing what to say. It looked like I'd already offended him though.

‘Known what? That I'm a useless junkie? That I'd fucked up my life?’

‘No!’ I insisted. ‘Jason, I'm trying. You have no idea...’

I had to look away. This was harder than I'd thought it would be.

‘What?’ he pressed, impatient as always.

‘You have no idea how much I've missed you.’

I heard him snort again.

All those little things he used to do when he was cross, it was like we'd never been apart.

‘Bit late now,’ he mumbled.

‘It's not,’ I looked at him, hopeful. ‘We're both here, can't we just-’

‘No,’ he said flatly, cutting me off.

He turned around on the bed, away from me and leaned sideways against the wall. I stared at his back, wearing the blue standard issue Fulbourne t-shirt, and the long red hair that hung over it. I watched as he coughed again, shoulders convulsing.

‘Why?’ I said, trying to stay calm. I stared at his figure, his arms were crossed around one knee curled up, the other leg dangled off the bed. He had on matching blue pants but his feet were bare, and the foot that hung off the bed tapped anxiously.

‘Why?’ I repeated, when he didn't reply.

‘It's too late,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Just go away, and we'll both go back to what we were doing.’

His words were cutting. I had to breathe deeply a few times to keep myself together.

If I'd been younger hearing those words, I probably would have believed them. I had been a shy kid and never understood subtleties but I'd had four years since then of being thrust into working life, office politics and watching my colleagues playing games with each other. I could read people a whole lot better than I used to, that was for sure.

I was silent for a moment, digesting what he'd said. If I did as he asked and walked out now, I'd never know anything.

Might as well go for broke. I took a final deep breath and got off the bed. I walked two steps and sat down just behind him. I could tell he was surprised by the sudden tensing of his shoulders.

‘I'm not going anywhere,’ I said. ‘Not without you.’

‘I want to leave,’ he said sulkily. ‘You can't keep me here, you wouldn't like it. You do what you like but I want to leave.’

I could see him try to swallow a cough, try not to let it out.

‘I will leave,’ I told him. ‘But I want you to come with me.’

Jason simply shook his head at me. He turned his face away to the wall and brought his arm up, the one nearest to me, to cover himself.

My eyes were drawn to the collection of red marks all along his skin, which only made me feel more determined. I reached my hand out and gently tried to grasp his; he flinched at the contact and slapped my hand off.

‘Go away,’ he muttered.

It wasn't anything new. Jason used to push me away a lot back then as well.

It was still just as hurtful. I took a moment to try and read his actions. I'd never seen him like this before, hunched over and hiding his face. Almost like he didn't want me to look at him.

He'd never been like that. I wanted to reach out to him but he obviously didn't want that either. I'd have to keep speaking instead, and hoped he would listen.

‘When they told me you ran off,’ I began, ‘They said you'd more than likely die from an over-dose.’

I heard Jason snort but continued. ‘I thought you'd die,’ I admitted quietly. ‘I thought I'd never see you again. It was different than knowing you were living somewhere else and I couldn't see you because of that...but knowing you could be gone forever, I'd never have the chance to see you, to see if we-’

I broke off. My voice was dangerously close to becoming wobbly and I wanted to keep it together. I'd had years of bottling up emotions, it was hard to let them all out at once.

Jason didn't reply but after a moment I saw his head raise up slightly.

‘If we what?’ he asked.

‘If we could start again?’

Jason turned his face away from me. ‘Don't be stupid.’

‘Why?’

‘It won't work.’

‘Why?’ I repeated, more firmly. ‘I'm asking you to try-’

‘It won't work, Mike!’ Jason snapped, suddenly standing up. He stomped round me and went to sit on the opposite end of the bed, facing away from me again. He started coughing but tried to hold it in. I shifted on the bed to face him, or his back anyway.

‘No,’ I said, determined. ‘I don't believe you, and I'm not leaving until you talk to me.’

‘Well, we'll both sit here in fucking silence then,’ I heard him grumble.

I sighed a little. Still stubborn, I thought. I could tell he was sulking. I'd almost forgotten what this was like; the frustration I'd feel at him pushing me away, never talking, when all I wanted to do was tell him how I felt.

Except I'd never dared. I came close a few times but always fell silent or messed up my words. Well, here was my last chance. I might as well take it, I thought. I had nothing else to lose.

‘I love you,’ I said.

He didn't respond. I knew he had heard me.

It was out there now, no taking it back. It felt strangely liberating to be so honest.

‘I want you to come live with me,’ I told him. ‘I'm not asking for anything, we can just be friends if that's what you want. But I want to look after you, at least until you're better. I'll help you do whatever you want. Just...’

I didn't know what else to say.

‘Please, Jason?’

I'd never been this open with myself, let alone anyone else. I was dismayed to see him shaking his head.

‘No,’ he said again.

‘Why not?’ I asked quietly. ‘I thought we were friends, at least.’

I waited for his reply, finally he said, ‘We're both where we're supposed to be. Forget it, it would never work.’

I swallowed, taking in what he said. In the back of my mind I think I understood what he was trying to say; he didn't think it would work out, so he was refusing to even try.

Standing up, I gently paced round the bed and sat next to him. He tensed when I did, pressing himself into the wall.

‘I live in New York now,’ I said, hoping it would sway him. ‘There's so much there, you'd love it. I'm only asking you to come back with me, and we'll work something out.’

Jason frowned slightly. ‘Why are you so hell bent on this? It'll never work.’

‘How can you say that without even trying?’

He rolled his eyes at me, for the first time in four years. ‘Because I know what will happen, that's why.’

‘So you won't even try?’

‘Correct, well done.’

‘Bullshit,’ I said calmly. ‘You're scared.’

It was a bold statement.

Jason's eyes narrowed at me. ‘Don't fucking tell me what I am,’ he said, barely audible.

‘You tell me, then,’ I replied, heart hammering.

This was the most direct I'd ever been with him. I was sure he was surprised; back when he'd known me I barely spoke unless I had to. Jason glared at me a moment longer before he looked away, defeated. He simply shook his head.

‘I love you,’ I said again. ‘I always have.’

He didn't look back at me. ‘Just go away. Please.’

I ignored the pain those words left in me.

‘No,’ I refused. ‘I'm not leaving. I'll stay right here until you talk to me. As long as it takes.’

I watched Jason take a breath and huff it out.

He still sat leaning on the wall, trying to ignore me. I waited. If this was what it took, I was in no rush. After a few minutes of tense silence I was starting to wonder if my persistence was actually getting me anywhere.

Then quite suddenly, still quietly, he spoke.

‘Don't you think you could do better?’

I had only just heard what he said, and my heart pumped all the faster that I'd finally got him to talk. Assuming he meant himself, I replied, ‘I love
you
, not anyone else.’

‘So you won't care what people will think? What they'll say?’

I blinked in confusion. ‘There are a lot of gay people in New York.’