The Price of Falling (15 page)

‘It’s all a fucking joke to you,’ AJ argued back.

I stepped between them carefully. ‘Come on,’ I said, helping them both stand up by holding onto their arms. Cat leaned her hand down to help AJ up and he stomped off ahead.

Jason shook my hand off his arm. ‘I don’t need your help,’ he grumbled at me.

I didn’t rise to it. I simply shrugged and started to walk off.

‘Come on, then.’

I thought a lot about what AJ had said that night. I was surprised how open he’d been with me, but then he did seem to like me. I liked him too, just not like that. It was a shame really, he was so easy-going, and could be thoughtful.

One time he and Cat drove all the way over to pick me up in his Dad's car that he borrowed. When I asked why, they said they wanted to get me drunk for a change, so they’d pick me up and drive me home after. I knew it had been AJ’s idea. I liked him a lot, as a friend.

I did toy with the idea of more, when he got drunk and would flirt with me. I thought maybe I should see what it was like with someone else. But any thoughts like that would evaporate if I simply looked at Jason. I didn’t want anyone else. I wanted him, more and more each day it seemed.

Even though I saw him every Wednesday, it wasn’t enough. I saw him in class at school and with the others at the weekend, but we couldn’t be alone. His Aunt stayed home every other day except Sunday when she would go to church. Sunday was my ‘family day’ so I couldn’t escape then, my Dad would pitch a fit if I wasn't there.

When I thought about it, I knew my parents went out most Saturday nights, to charity events or Dad's work parties, that sort of thing. They usually came back in the early hours of the morning, if at all.

I asked Jason if he’d come over one Saturday night. Obviously it was more money for him so he agreed. I picked him up and drove him home with me, sneaking us in. My parents were out as were my sisters, staying over at friend’s houses. They usually did on Saturdays, as my parents knew I was prone to go out. Our cleaning lady Gabrielle might still be home though.

I ushered Jason in and closed the door quietly. I suppose I was used to living in such a big house so seeing Jason staring up at the high ceiling and the chandelier was a surprise.

‘Holy shit,’ he muttered.

‘Come on,’ I urged, pulling him up the staircase.

He was still looking around at the house and suddenly seemed unsure of himself. I took him into my room and shut the door. Jason had a nose around, gazing across at my en suite. He was frowning, much like the time when he had first properly looked at my car.

I was about to tell him...well I wasn’t sure, I wanted to try and explain that even though my parents were well off, didn’t mean I just got handed things on a platter. But before I said it, I realized that wasn’t true. Compared to someone like him who had nothing, I had everything. Or at least it seemed that way.

So I didn’t say anything. I pulled him to me and kissed him. Jason wasn’t in a kissing mood that night it seemed, and he turned his face away.

‘Aren’t you going to put some music on?’ he said quietly.

‘Er... I don’t really have any.’

‘Yeah I thought so,’ He handed me his jacket. ‘I brought some along. They're in the pocket.’

‘But...I don’t really play music, won’t someone think it’s unusual or something?’

Jason rolled his eyes. ‘It’ll be a whole lot less weird than hearing
other
things.’

Point taken. I obediently put on a tape.

Not that anyone was there that time, but just in case I began to play music in my room on other nights as well, when I was on my own. Jason left some of his tapes for me. My Mom later commented that I was listening to some strange stuff, but I simply explained ‘everyone else was’ and she left me alone. If Dad was ever around he would tell me to turn it straight off.

Dad was definitely not a fan of Depeche Mode.

That first night I brought Jason over he seemed a little freaked out. Maybe because he wasn’t used to being in a house like that, I worried he wouldn’t come back again, but he did. As long as my parents kept going out to parties I could see Jason twice every week. I tried to think about other things when my mind drifted to how much money I was spending, or how little I had left. I worried about what to do when I ran out. He surely wouldn’t give me the time of day if I didn’t give him any money.

Those were the sorts of things I laid awake worrying about, or whilst staring at him in class.

What would he say if I had no money left? Would he even talk to me? I would definitely get a summer job, but I needed to save up for college too.

I knew I was making a mess of things. I wondered if he liked me, even just a little. I tried to make him like me. He was too hard to read for someone like me.

When we were in bed my worries did fade, at least for a while. They couldn’t compete with the blood pumping through my ears, drowning them out. If we were at my house on a Saturday night, we had longer than two hours. It was good not to feel rushed, I felt more relaxed. I started to feel like I was getting good at this too; I didn’t need telling what to do any more, I acted all on my own and used my strength to my advantage. I liked to feel the muscles in his arms flex against me as I held him down. I only wanted to kiss him but he'd turn his face away from me after the shortest time.

It was hard to take. I wanted so much and he gave me so little.

After a lot of psyching myself up to ask Jason something, I finally managed. We were in my room, undressing, so I went for it.

‘When we’re um...you know,’ I started, ‘Would you say my name?’

‘You want me to call you ‘jock’?’

I smiled. He'd stopped calling me 'jock' ages ago. He only said that now if he was really pissed at me.

‘No. Mike,’ I stated clearly.

I knew with Jason not to leave any room for him to misinterpret, accidentally or otherwise.

‘Sure,’ he shrugged. Again, like it meant nothing either way.

When I had him laid down on the bed, my new favorite position with his legs wrapped around me as I pushed inside him, I had to ask again.

‘Will you say it?’ I asked, gazing into green eyes. I could search those eyes forever, and still never be sure of anything. I remained as still as I could, waiting for him. I desperately wanted to be in control, hoping I could hold out longer than him and those cool, placid eyes.

He started to squirm underneath me as I pinned him. He smiled then, that sly smile.

‘Fuck me and I’ll say it,’ he murmured.

This time I gave in. I held onto his hips and began thrusting hard, forcing the air out of his mouth. He sighed against my rhythm, and just when I thought he wouldn’t do it, he moaned my name.

‘Again,’ I gasped in reply.

‘Mm, Mike.’

I loved hearing him say that, I couldn't get enough. I always had to ask, sometimes I even had to beg, but I wanted to hear it. His voice could be taunting or sarcastic most of the time, but I would just remember him saying my name when we were alone.

I think he caught on that I liked to hear him. Sometimes he whispered things in my ear. A lot of the time he used it to his own advantage, like convincing me to buy him alcohol, or whatever he wanted that day. Like I would've refused.

He started to call me if he wanted something. I remember the first time he called me at home. My Mom passed me the handset and said it was one of my friends. I hadn't been expecting his voice to materialize.

‘Hi, Mike,’ he drawled, as I melted against the telephone.

‘Hi,’ I replied, just barely.

‘Will you come pick me up?’

‘Where are you?’ I asked.

‘Cinema.’

‘That’s miles out, we’re in the middle of dinner.’’

‘Oh,’ he sighed into my ear. ‘Please?’

Of course I went. I couldn't say no to him.

Chapter 7

‘Have you started smoking?’ my sister, Alicia, asked. I was driving her out to a friend's house after school.

‘Er, no,’ I replied.

‘It stinks,’ she said, winding her window down. ‘Does that guy smoke in here?’

My heart skipped a beat but I tried to answer calmly. ‘What guy?’

‘That guy with the long hair.’

She meant Jason. I knew she would ask at some point.

We'd had an accidental meeting last Saturday night; I thought Alicia had gone over to her friend's house as normal. Everyone else was out. I hadn't known that this particular Saturday Alicia's friend was coming to stay over with her. I'd just walked in the hall with Jason. Alicia must have heard the front door and came out from the den to see who it was.

She'd spotted us as we reached the stairs. I'd felt like my heart stopped in that moment and leapt into my throat.

Alicia had looked at Jason in bewilderment, then looked to me.

‘What you doing?’ she asked innocently.

Luckily for me, my brain had managed to function and I replied, ‘This is Jason, he's my study partner.’

I didn't dare look at him in case he smirked at that.

‘This is my sister, Alicia,’ I introduced.

‘Hey,’ Jason said to her.

Alicia hadn't replied. She seemed to be taking in what she saw but not sure what to make of it.

Jason had said to me, with a touch of amusement in his voice, ‘Better go get your books then, Mike.’

I reluctantly agreed, trying not to stomp up the stairs. I dared to look back down; Alicia was still standing there but Jason had retreated out the door.

When I'd picked up some random text books to go along with the charade and passed her on the way back I'd ruffled her hair, like I normally did.

But I'd known she would ask me about it. I would just have to play it down.

‘Yeah, he smokes,’ I admitted to her in the car. ‘I'll get some air freshener.’

‘You never study with anyone else,’ she pressed.

Dammit, Alicia...

‘Well...’ I shrugged, concentrating on the road rather than her probing eyes. ‘We're both real behind in Math.’

At least that wasn't exactly a lie.

Jason thought it was hilarious. I resigned to be more careful about picking the nights I brought him over. I was so distracted by him that everything else seemed to pass me by.

I knew I was running out of cash though. I worried that if I spent the summer holiday working to earn it back, Jason would go off with somebody else while I wasn't around. I felt too shy to ask him about it outright.

One night I worked up the courage to try. In between kissing him and peeling our clothes away I whispered, ‘You like this, right?’

He hummed in reply, but I wasn't looking for rehearsed sounds or words. I needed to know what he really thought.

‘No, I mean, do you like what we do?’

He pulled back, suspicious. I could tell when Jason started to dislike something the moment his eyes grew colder and his brows came together.

‘Why?’ he asked.