The Price of Falling (33 page)

I drank in the evenings, about three glasses of whiskey to get myself to sleep. I was the most miserable and helpless I'd ever felt.

Everything else paled to this; at least before it had only been me suffering. I'd been OK thinking that Jason was still out there, probably doing better than me.

Ignorance was better than the reality, that was for sure.

Chapter 13

I'd never really been one for feeling depressed. Even when I'd been at my worst I kept going, taking things one day at a time. But the thought that Jason could die, or may have already, and it was mostly my fault...

It really threw me. I had nightmares even worse than before, and when the alarm finally went in the mornings I would just lay in my bed staring up at the ceiling. It was getting harder and harder to actually force myself to get up. I thought how easy it would be to do nothing, to quit caring.

But I kept going. I didn't feel like it but I took inspiration from Blake. Maybe this was why he had his religion after all, so he had someone else to lean on. I spoke to him on the phone. I didn't really tell him anything but I mentioned I was sad that a friend of mine wasn't well. Blake was always so good at pep talks. I felt better talking to him. I focused on Alicia too. I pulled myself together enough to make us a nice dinner as a surprise for her. I knew she was aware of the big glass of whiskey I was constantly nursing but she didn't say anything.

Finally, on Thursday I was put out of my misery.

Four days of agonizing, at almost ten in the evening I got a phone call. Alicia was sitting in her room reading text books, so I picked up the cordless handset.

‘Hello?’ I said, almost afraid to hear who it was.

‘Taa-daaa!’ AJ's voice sang loudly in my ear.

I held the phone away and blinked. ‘AJ?’

‘Yeah! Don't have to thank me, man. Just calling to say the patient is back in the slammer, and that money is well and truly mine!’

My eyes flew open. ‘What? You- What? You found him?’ I stammered, heart pounding.

‘Yeah, all done!’ AJ confirmed cheerfully. ‘Took longer than I thought, I didn't wanna bother you until we did. Totally worth it too, to see Jason in those fetching Fulbourne slacks. What a moron,’ he laughed.

‘So he's OK?’

‘Yeah sure, man, all's good. I told you he'd be fine, you should listen to me! He's dosed up to the eyeballs though, so he has the joy of cold turkey to go through again. Think of it as just deserts.’

‘AJ,’ I sighed, a smile appearing on my face automatically. ‘I can't thank you enough.’

‘No problem! Now, how do you want to pay me?’

I laughed a little. ‘However you want. Where are you?’

‘I'm at Fulbourne now, we just dropped him off. Well, gimme a call. Hang on, the docs want a word. Laters, Mike!’

‘Bye,’ I said, as I heard the phone change hands.

‘Mr. Miller,’ Mrs McKane greeted. ‘Everything is in order. Rest assured, if it's what you want, we can move Jason to the secure unit this time, and begin the...process again?’

‘Yes, please do,’ I said, just relieved he was OK. ‘He won't get out again?’

‘No, no,’ Mrs. McKane said sternly. ‘The secure unit is usually reserved for patients who cannot control their own actions. It is just as functional as our standard wing but the secured patients are restricted to their room and cannot leave unsupervised.’

‘That's fine,’ I agreed.

When I hung up the phone I breathed out a massive sigh and rubbed my face to relieve the stress. Thanks to AJ, I had another chance.

I wasn't going to screw it up this time. I would have to wait another two weeks; Jason had gone straight back on heroin so the whole procedure had to begin again. I called Fulbourne every day now. I didn't care if they got fed up with me.

It was much the same as before, Jason was locked in a room with basic amenities and had no other choice but to go through the withdrawal symptoms. Again they gave him mild painkillers and again apparently he shouted and cursed. I asked about the rooms in the secure unit. The nurse said those rooms were plainer, with less in them for the patients to use to damage anything or themselves. And at no time was the patient able to leave the room on their own; if they wanted to shower they had to be escorted there and weren't left unattended.

Sounded like prison, I thought.

Jason was sure gonna be pissed at me now. Well, let him be angry, I thought. I needed to talk to him and now my resolve was stronger than ever. The fear of losing him for good made me realize I should just go for it.

The good news was that, after another set of blood tests, he had tested negative for HIV. Although they advised to keep having regular tests, as the length of time he'd been using intravenous drugs made him a high risk apparently.

I was relieved for the moment. The nurse also advised that they were confident of treating the Hepatitis and Bronchitis, as long as he kept taking his medication correctly.

Two weeks later I arranged to fly out at the weekend. I took the Friday afternoon off work, everyone assumed it was to see my Dad. I felt bad that it wasn't. I had no intention of seeing my family at all. I only told Alicia where I was going; she didn't say much, just nodded quietly.

On the Friday I when I arrived in Ellwood I went straight to meet AJ from work. I was a little early but his boss let him off, so we had a drink in a bar. I gave him a check as a thank you, more than I said I'd give him.

In fact I wrote out a check for fifteen hundred dollars. I wanted to help him out. If he was desperate enough for money to go chasing after Jason for me, then he definitely needed it. I had every intention to keep sending them gifts and help them out if I could, especially as Kitty got older and needed more things.

His eyes flew wide when he read the check. ‘Fuck me, Mike! Are you sure?’

‘Of course,’ I smiled. ‘Only too happy to. I thought I could be like, a Godfather or something?’

‘You can be the damn Fairy Godmother if you want, man,’ he declared. ‘I'll drink to that!’

I stayed with them on Friday night. I felt like I needed the catch up, and the time to psyche myself up for going to Fulbourne tomorrow. I was curious to know how AJ had found Jason; apparently him and another guy he worked with had driven out to the industrial estate and checked the other buildings nearby.

‘We took two baseball bats,’ AJ laughed. ‘We had a few close calls but nothing major, and Jason was so out of it anyway that was the easy part.’

‘You saved the day,’ I told him.

He smiled back at me easily. ‘Maybe I'll go be a bounty hunter from now on.’

As it was Saturday morning, AJ slept in. I gave Cat a hug goodbye, who was up early with Kitty, and left quietly. I got a cab over to Fulbourne. Driving up the winding entrance to the huge building, I thought about the final bill for this place. Luckily it was almost pay day so I had another month's money to play around with.

I arrived just after nine AM, when they opened for visiting hours on a Saturday. Mrs. McKane met me at the entrance. As she took me down the blue and white halls she informed me Jason had stopped shouting and had gone very quiet. She had sent in a counselor to talk to him twice but both times he turned away and ignored them.

‘He does read however, so we've given him some books.’

‘Oh,’ I said, not sure why I was surprised. ‘That's good, then.’

‘He's asked after you,’ she added.

‘Oh?’ I could feel the heat rise in my face and tried to will it away.

‘Yes. Last time he didn't say anything without cussing so we didn't respond but this time he appears more fatigued and asked why he was here. We told him that his cousin had admitted him, but he said he had no cousins.’

Mrs. McKane looked at me sidelong as we walked. I tried to look innocent. As if it mattered to her anyway, she'd happily taken my bribes before.

‘He's got a bad memory,’ I smiled.

‘Indeed,’ she said. ‘He seemed to recognize your name at least, when we told him.’

‘Good,’ I said.

My smile was still there but inside I was panicking. We had reached a long hall with lots of closed doors down it. An orderly met us, holding a big bunch of keys. I was all the more nervous from looking at them.

‘Anyway, he's expecting you,’ Mrs McKane said. ‘We told him you'd be coming today. Clive will take you to his room. I'll see you before you leave, Mr. Miller.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, as she nodded and left.

Her brisk walk and brisker manner almost had me in mind of a hotelier.

But in a mental asylum.

As I followed the orderly down the hall I looked at all the heavy, metal doors locked shut. They were still painted in that cool blue to white wash that was present throughout Fulbourne. Blue at the bottom, getting paler into white as it reached the top.

The orderly, Clive, stopped in front of a nondescript door and opened a small hatch, peeping through. ‘Visitor,’ he called, slamming it shut again and unlocking the door.

This definitely felt like a prison, I thought.

The metal door creaked and echoed along the hall as it opened. At the sounds, I could hear a few voices spark up from behind other doors but they faded out as I stepped past Clive and into the room, the cell. The same blue, white wash in the square room, a long narrow window high above with heavy, black bars over it. I heard the door shut and lock behind me, then footsteps as he walked away.

I stared around at the room, completely bare; one small toilet, one sink, one bed. And on the bed, the figure who'd been lying down holding a book had sat up to stare back at me.

Jason, alive, and here.

And looking pretty pissed already, I thought. I stepped forward into the room; it wasn't very big, I could see Jason's face clearly. He looked better. Still gaunt, and his skin was patchy and spotty. But definitely not as bad as before.

‘Hi,’ I offered meekly, unsure how to begin.

Jason stared up at me, those green eyes not as bright as I remembered them. He frowned at first but after a moment the frown disappeared and he looked away.

I had so much to say but didn't want to plough straight in and annoy him even more.

‘How are you feeling?’ I asked.

As soon as I'd said it and his face snapped back up to frown at me again, I knew it had been the wrong thing to ask.

‘Pretty fucking shit,’ he replied, eyes fixed on me angrily. ‘How very fucking nice of you to ask! Who the fuck do you think you are? Fucking waltz in here and ask how the fuck I am, you fucking asshole! What the hell? What gives you the right?’

He broke off suddenly to cough, a harsh sounding hack.

‘Put me in a fucking loony bin!’ he continued, his voice wheezy. ‘Do you have any fucking idea what I have to listen to at night? All those fucking psycho's down the hall jabbering and howling, fucking Jesus!’

I'd forgotten how colorful Jason could be with his language. I held my hands up in apology.

‘I'm sorry you feel bad,’ I tried to say but he didn't let me finish.

‘Fuck sorry!’ he said, voice steadily rising but sounding strained. ‘Fuck you too! Who the hell gave you the right?’

I swallowed. I didn't like being shouted at, especially when I already felt guilty. But I kept calm, just like when he used to shout at me when he was drunk. I could see he was upset and if we were ever going to talk I had to let him get his anger out first. I guess I'd been so excited about seeing him again I hadn't really thought about anything else.