The Price of Falling (37 page)

‘Ohh,’ he said, laughing down the phone. ‘He's there, isn't he?’

‘Yeah,’ I replied, hoping Jason hadn't heard.

‘Well, tell him I said hi!’

‘Will do, talk soon.’

As I hung up, I could feel Jason's eyes on me before I even looked up.

‘Was that AJ?’

‘Yeah,’ I admitted, feeling a storm brewing but not quite sure why. ‘I sent some toys for their baby, he was just saying thanks.’

Jason rolled his eyes in response, then went back to the TV. I thought that was the end of it but a few minutes later, while Jason must have been quietly steaming, he started up at me.

‘Why are you being so nice to him?’ he said, accusing.

I blinked in surprise. ‘Um, I guess because he was my friend. He still is.’

Jason was incensed at this. ‘You know he was a real jerk to me?’

‘Hmm,’ I said, not knowing how to go about this. ‘Well, that's all a long time ago now.’

Jason scowled. I knew this was going to escalate so I settled into the couch more.

Might as well get comfortable.

‘Can I ask you something?’ he said in a tone that was less of a question and more of a demand.

‘Sure,’ I agreed easily.

‘Why did you always take his side?’

I turned my head to look at him, confused. ‘Huh?’

‘You always took his side!’ Jason snapped at me suddenly. ‘No matter what, if anything happened you immediately blamed me and took his side!’

‘Hey, whoa, hang on,’ I said, sitting up a little.

This looked like it was going to require a lot more concentration than I'd been prepared for.

‘Which times exactly are you talking about?’

‘All the time!’ Jason complained. ‘I want to know why you always took his side. What did he say?’

‘Wha-?’ I racked my brains to try and figure out what he was referring to. I knew the relationship between him and AJ had always been a little weird, volatile even, but I didn't really know why.

‘Come on,’ Jason folded his arms. ‘What did he tell you about me?’

I shrugged, completely lost. I didn't know where this had all come from.

‘Not a lot,’ I said, which was true at least. ‘He hinted that you and him were...’ I waved my hand absently, not knowing how to phrase that. ‘...but you didn't get on so good. And that was that.’

Jason was still frowning. ‘That's all? I don't believe you. I know he was bitching about me  the whole time to everyone else, trying to get everyone to hate me.’

I thought Jason was being more than a little paranoid about that. Also, he did a pretty good job of upsetting people all on his own, but I decided to keep that to myself. Selfishly, I didn't care how he treated a bunch of other kids, I never had. As long as he kept seeing me.

I shrugged again. ‘News to me,’ I sighed.

‘And I bet he never told you,’ Jason continued, ‘that we were going together when I first transferred? The reason we stopped was that he was still seeing Cat but didn't tell her about us. I told him he should tell her or I wasn't interested. But he wanted everything his own way.’

I stared at Jason, surprised. He still seemed pretty agitated.

‘No, he never mentioned that.’

‘Yeah, I thought so. And you're telling me you never noticed he was always trying to steal you off me?’

His words sent a rush of warmth through me. It was almost like he was saying I was his, and I liked the sound of that. I tried not to smile, as I knew it wasn't the right time.

‘I did notice,’ I said softly.

‘And did he tell you it was his idea I moved in with them after high school?’ Jason went on. ‘He wanted us to go back to sneaking around, not telling Cat. And because I wouldn't do that suddenly I'm the asshole.’

Again, I was taken aback. But I had to wonder how much truth was in anything that Jason or even AJ said about their strange relationship. It was just one of those things; it never worked, and only left them both frustrated. Whatever they had together was totally different to what I had with Jason. Aside from the light taunting and minor bickering we had rarely argued.

‘You're not an asshole,’ I told him. ‘And all that doesn't matter. Me staying in contact with him and his family doesn't change anything between you and me. It never has, and it never will.’

Jason frowned sulkily for a moment before getting up to stomp off to the kitchen.

I realized that this was a topic we would never agree on, so I made sure not to bring it up if I could help it. If Jason threw a tantrum whenever AJ called for me, there wasn't much I could do about that. I wasn't going to cut off contact with AJ, he was the only friend I spoke to from high school.

I had to admit as well, when I realized that Jason was jealous of this I did feel a little better about myself. It was nice to know he didn't want anyone else to have me.

In total, it took about two months for Jason to settle down and return to something like his normal self. He was never quite the same again, and I felt that was my fault.

If I'd never left perhaps I could have done something, changed how things turned out. But then I remembered what Blake always said, that some things happen for a reason. It offered a little comfort, but sometimes I wished I'd stayed in Ellwood.

For two months, Jason holed up in my apartment. He looked a lot better, perhaps a little too skinny but his appetite hadn't really returned yet. His skin was clear and smooth again, although he did look too pale, even for him. I kept trying to entice him outside but he wasn't interested.

‘Maybe another time,’ he kept saying.

I didn't want to push him but I didn't want him to wind up a recluse either.

One night when I came home and found him in the kitchen pouring out juice, I did a double take. He'd cut his hair. It was shorter, hanging just below his shoulders in different lengths. Like when I'd first met him, the gorgeous layers of red that made me want to reach out and touch them. Back then I used to wonder if his hair felt soft. It was no easier now, because I knew the answer and remembered the feel of it in my fingers.

‘You cut your hair?’ I said, stating the obvious, staring at him.

Jason didn't respond by rolling his eyes or a sarcastic remark like I'd expected.

He simply nodded and said, ‘I used to cut it anyway. Thought I'd see if I remembered how.’

I nodded back. I wanted to say I liked it but I didn't really want to open the floodgates right now.

I was a little pathetic later. In the restroom when I was brushing my teeth I looked down in the waste-paper basket and saw the locks of snipped off red hair. I stared at them for a long time, wondering if it would be weird if I kept them. I would've liked to but couldn't imagine what Jason would think if he ever found out. Which was more than likely, knowing my luck.

Sadly, I left them there. I did bend down and reach in to touch a lock, to roll the softness of it between the pads of my fingers before I got a grip on reality. I was glad no-one saw me do that. I felt like I was starting to go crazy.

Once Jason cut his hair, he definitely changed.

He even ventured out for the first time; round the corner to Maria and Tony's store. I only found out when I came home and noticed the things he'd picked up. That became his routine, small grocery shops. After going over there most days to pick up the groceries, he started to stay longer. Apparently he even went upstairs to their apartment and had lunch with Maria and their daughter Sophia.

Again, I tried not to feel jealous. I was pleased he was going outside. Even if he was hiding the scars on his arms under long sleeves and still wearing sunglasses in all weather. It didn't matter, I guess.

Maybe he would even go out with me at the weekend. It would be good to get out at last. I tried to bring it up but when we were alone it was like he wasn't concentrating. I could feel some tension between us suddenly, and wasn't quite sure where it was coming from. It was only when I noticed Jason glancing at me while we watched a film that I realized where this was going.

I suddenly lost my appetite for the pizza I'd been eating; my stomach felt like it was doing free fall.

Later that evening I started getting ready for bed at eleven, as usual. I used to go to sleep earlier on my own but now I liked to stay up with Jason. He stayed up late to watch TV and often came to bed when I was already asleep.

I brushed my teeth, stripped down to my boxers and got into bed. With the lamp off the only light came from between the blinds on my window, and the warm glow from the crack in the door I'd left ajar. I could hear the faint buzz of the TV in the other room but it never usually bothered me.

Tonight, I couldn't stop going over things in my mind. Everything that had happened, everything that could happen and I desperately wanted to happen. Wondering if I should be doing more, doing less. What did he want me to do?

The sound of bare feet across the carpet and the door softly opening was a welcome distraction.

The TV was still on, I could hear. Jason had come into the room, pushed the door to and sat down on the bed next to me. My heart hammered; I pretended to be asleep at first, trying to will myself to be calm.

‘Mike, are you awake?’

When I couldn't get myself together in time to answer, he added, ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure,’ I replied, curiosity winning out over my nerves.

‘Do you still like me?’

I turned onto my back and looked at him in the dark. Jason very rarely talked about us. I knew what he wanted was reassurance, and since he was asking so directly I thought I may as well be honest.

‘Of course,’ I said, in as steady a voice as I could. ‘Nothing's changed.’

I could see him nod slightly. ‘I knew that, I guess. I wanted to say thank you.’

‘OK,’ I whispered.

I knew what that meant. I rose to sit up just as he leaned over me, catching him by the arms. I searched his eyes and the light dancing in them as I said, ‘You don't have to do that. I want you, but the only time we do this is if you want me too. Just for me, and not because you feel like you have to.’

His eyes blinked at me in the dark. I wished I could see more, to see into those eyes. His face was calm, open. ‘I know,’ he said quietly. ‘And I do.’

‘Tell me,’ I pleaded.

His eyes dropped. He didn't reply at first but then asked, ‘Do you still love me?’

‘Always,’ I answered, my fingers urgently pressed on his skin as I held him, automatically pulling him closer. ‘And you?’

He looked back up at me, so close. My arms wrapped around him, one hand snaking up round his neck, thumb brushing his cheek. His eyes closed to me for a moment as he relaxed into my touch.

‘I love you too,’ he said softly. He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine, tentative, unsure. My body reacted instantly. With my final moment of clarity I pulled back just enough to say, ‘If you kiss me now I'm not gonna stop.’

My fingers still pressed his skin, urging him on. He didn't reply in words but nodded once and melted into me again. I sighed against him, pulling him down onto the bed and rolling him under me. I kissed him for the longest time, feeling close to bursting, I had no idea how I'd lived without this for so long. I'd almost forgotten how my heart would feel like it was swelling and breaking all at the same time the closer I was to him. I wanted this one person more than anything, I couldn't stop myself now. I simply devoured him and like all those times before, he let me.