The Promise (26 page)

 49 

T
om tapped his foot as he stood on the wraparound porch of his childhood home on Elderberry Lane. He had just rung the doorbell, although he could have walked in. Considering all that had happened, he felt the need to ask permission. The love of his life was somewhere on the other side of the door. A woman he had treated horribly for the last five months. She deserved, at a moment like this, any extra added measure of respect he could give.

When he'd called the house a half hour ago after meeting with his dad, his mom had answered. Apparently Jean was experiencing some strong emotions at the moment and couldn't come to the phone. But his mom said the meeting had gone very well. She agreed to convey Tom's request to meet with Jean this evening and talk things out. He wanted to pick her up at the house and drive her to the beach for a walk. Something they used to do all the time before the kids were born.

Jean had said yes. His sister Michele had instantly volunteered to watch Tommy and Carly for as long as they needed.

So Tom was here now, on the porch, hoping this final meeting of the night would go as well as the others. Everything that had
happened so far amazed him. Weeks ago when he'd considered his “day of reckoning,” the only scenarios he could conjure up had been tragic and ended in total heartbreak. They weren't in the clear just yet, and many things could still go wrong, but faith was building in his heart, confirming what Uncle Henry had said, really what the Bible had said: God gives grace to the humble.

That was the only thing that could explain what Tom was experiencing now.

The door opened. Tom was shocked to find Jean standing there in front of him. Her eyes were red and puffy, but he supposed his probably were too. Other than that, she looked beautiful. The first thing he noticed after the puffiness was the softness in those eyes. They instantly melted his heart. He hadn't seen that look since before this whole ordeal began.

Tom was just about to say something when he heard “Daddy!” It was Tommy screaming from across the living room.

He ran toward Tom and jumped up like he always did. Tom scooped him into his arms. Carly had seen him too and began to whine from her high chair.

“Where you been?” Tommy said. “You been gone forever.”

“Not forever, just two days. Daddy was on a little trip.”

“Did you go far away?”

“No, not too—” Tom looked at Jean. “Yes, Tommy. Daddy went far away. Very far away. But I've come back now, to you, Carly, and Mommy.”

“I don't like you to go far away.”

“I don't either, Tommy. So I won't go that far away . . . ever again.”

Tears filled Jean's eyes. Hers stirred the same reaction in him.

Michele was standing nearby and caught this exchange. She walked over, holding out her hands. “Here, Tommy. You stay with me for a few minutes. Let Daddy come in and see Mommy, okay? Remember we said they're going to take a little drive?”

“Will they go far away?” he asked as he transferred to Michele's arms.

“Not far, Tommy,” Jean said, wiping the tears from her eyes. “And we won't be gone very long, either. And tonight, Daddy will be home, right . . .” She began to choke up but pushed through. “Right where he belongs.”

For the most part, they didn't talk during the half-hour drive to New Smyrna Beach. As they'd gotten in the car, Tom suggested that they wait until they were on the beach to talk things through. To help them achieve this goal, Tom had loaded a playlist of Jean's favorite Coldplay songs on his iPod.

It was a rule with Jean: you don't talk when Coldplay was coming through the speakers. You sing.

Well, she didn't sing very much during that car ride, though she couldn't help herself in a few places. But on the interstate, just about the time they saw the first sign for New Smyrna Beach, she had reached across the seat for Tom's hand. He enjoyed her singing, but feeling her hand in his was way better.

In less than fifteen minutes, they were pulling into a little parking area near the beach. It was the same spot Tom had come to yesterday during his soul-searching walk. The beach was even less crowded now. The sun had begun to set, but at this time of year, that would still give them plenty of time to talk before dark.

“Do you want to leave your sandals in the car or bring them with you?” Tom asked.

“I guess we could leave them,” she said. “I'm guessing the sand isn't very hot this time of day.”

“No, it should be nice and cool. We could even walk in the first few inches of the water if you want. The temperature was perfect yesterday.”

They walked along the wooden deck connecting the parking area to the beach. As they did, Tom decided to reach for her hand. She took it and even squeezed back. A great sign, he thought. Hope continued to build in his heart that tonight could be the start of a brand-new beginning for them.

They continued in silence as the deck ended and they crossed the soft sand. Since the sun was behind them, it didn't matter which direction they went. It wouldn't be in their eyes either way. Tom led them toward the south; there were a few less people in that direction.

For some unexplainable reason, Tom felt like they could begin talking once they reached the water's edge. He began to rehearse what he would say first, then stopped himself. His dad had given him some advice about this moment before they'd parted in Lake Mary.

“You don't need to say a lot,” he'd said. “Say what's in your heart, because right now your heart's in a pretty healthy place. Jean needs to hear the brokenness you feel inside over all this, not long-winded paragraphs of explanation. She needs to know how serious you are about making some fundamental changes in your relationship. Mostly, she needs to feel your love, and that she can have hope that things between you are really going to change this time.”

 50 

W
here do you want to start?” Jean broke the ice first. She quickly added, “Are you sure we're going to get used to this water pretty soon? Feels pretty cold to me.”

“Just give it a minute. If you don't get used to it, we'll go up there,” Tom said, pointing to the hard-packed sand that ran parallel to the water. “I guess I should go first. But Jean, stop me at any point if you want to ask something or say anything. I won't mind.”

“Okay.”

“I think these last few days have been the worst and best days of my life. I feel like I've been walking around almost dead inside for months. All these lies. Spiritually, it's like I was dead. The Lord seemed a million miles away. And so did you, and everyone else.”

“I can relate to that. Not feeling far away from the Lord so much, but from you. It's like I didn't even know who you were anymore.”

“I'm sorry about that,” he said, squeezing her hand. He stopped and looked at her. “I never should have lied to you, hon. Not the first time or any of the lies that followed. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I'm . . . so sorry.”

“I believe you.”

“Do you?”

“I do. After listening to your mom explain what Uncle Henry said, as crazy as it is, it started to make some sense. But still . . . it hurt. Especially that you didn't think you could talk to me about this back when it first happened.”

A small wave splashed over their ankles. “So what do you think? Want to head out of the water?”

“No, you're right. I'm getting used to it.”

“I don't have a good excuse, Jean. I think I fooled myself that these lies were for you, to protect you from worrying about how we'd make it financially. I was pretty scared when it first happened. I didn't see it coming at all.”

“I imagine you were. But did you really think I was that weak and fragile? That I'd fall apart if I knew the truth?”

“That's just it, I know you're not. I guess I told myself that it would be too much for you, so I could hide my real reason for not telling you the truth.”

“Which was?”

Tom sighed, looked down at the water. It was embarrassing to say it now that he understood. “I didn't want my father to find out what happened.”

“So all these lies were never really about me?”

“I don't think they were. Only to the extent that I knew if you knew the truth, you'd want to get advice from my folks, maybe even some financial help, which meant . . .”

“Your dad would find out,” she said.

He nodded. “It's pathetic now. Just hearing myself say it out loud. I feel like such a total idiot.”

They walked for a few moments in silence. “He would have, you know,” Jean said. “Found out, I mean. You were right about that concern.”

“Because you would have told him?”

“Maybe,” she said. “Maybe I would have told your mom, or Michele. I'd like to think he'd have found out because you would've told him, Tom. We're family, or at least we're supposed to be. Families are supposed to go through hard times together, help each other out. Not hide and put up false fronts.”

“You're right,” he said. “I mean that. That's one thing that's gonna change from now on. No more hiding. No more making you feel like you're betraying me when you want to ask for help. I have no idea what would've happened if I'd been honest from the start, but I know it would have been a whole lot better than what I put us through these past five months.”

“I'm glad to hear you say that,” she said, “because there's something I need to confess to you along those lines.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. It's something Michele helped me see. I haven't been a good partner to you. Not just the last five months but, really, our whole marriage.”

“What do you mean?”

“I've just been a doormat. As a wife, I've been way too quiet. So many times you did things I didn't like, didn't agree with, or simply didn't understand. Instead of talking about it, I kept quiet. I prayed, but I should've done more. I should've talked to you, like I'm doing now. So, I hope you're enjoying this kind of conversation with me, because from now on I plan to speak up when something bothers me.”

Tom let her words sink in as he watched a middle-aged couple walking from the other direction. They stopped talking a few moments to let them pass.

“Honestly, Jean, I'm glad to hear you say that. Here's another thing that's gonna change,” Tom said. “Effective immediately, we both know what's going on in our finances. I'll keep paying
the bills and doing the checkbook if you want, but I want us to talk about where things are at, at least once a week.”

Jean smiled. These were huge things for Tom to admit to and concede. Now seemed like the right time to ask something she'd been dreading. “So . . . where are we at now, financially? How bad is it?”

“It's pretty bad.”

He went on to explain how they'd probably lose the house. They were too far behind in their payments already to make it up, and too far underwater to break even if they sold it. The best they could hope for was a short sale. He tried to explain what that meant, but she was too distracted by the thought of losing her home to make any real sense of it. They'd probably have to trade in both their cars and become a one-car family, and an older model car at that, maybe a minivan instead of an SUV. Surprisingly, the hardest thing was to hear how much Tom had put on the credit cards. “Over five thousand dollars,” he said.

She couldn't take any more of this. She wanted him to stop. The more he talked, the more depressed she became. Things were much worse than she'd imagined. So many dreams were being smashed. Even normal things she'd always taken for granted were probably out of reach now. The kids needed new clothes; she had been noticing a new outfit at Belks. She could just see herself riding around in an old minivan.

And where would they live? She fought back tears as she pictured moving into some dumpy old apartment. Those days were supposed to be behind them. The days of strange neighbors living on both sides, thin walls separating them. Somebody's mean watchdog barking every time the kids went outside.

Tom continued explaining a few other things, but she didn't really hear him. Silently she prayed, asking God to give her strength not to react in anger when he was through.

A few minutes later, he stopped talking. “So, is that all of it?” she asked, hoping the answer was yes.

He nodded. “Pretty much. I'm so sorry about all this, especially that you're just finding out about it now, in one lump. I've had months to adjust to the loss.” He put his arm around her shoulder. “So what are you thinking about?”

For some strange reason, her heart softened toward him. She drew closer and whispered, “I'm sorry you've had to carry all this weight by yourself for all this time.” She surprised herself saying this. She genuinely meant it. She hugged him tightly for the longest time. Whatever the future held, at least now they would face it together.

They walked a few minutes longer. She glanced around and for the first time noticed the scenery of the beach more than the heaviness of their conversation. She felt the wind on her face, the bigness of the sky, the colors of the sunset. The soothing sound of the waves lapping against the sand.

“The beach is a good place to bring big things,” Tom said. “They never seem quite as big after awhile.” He took in a deep breath.

And he was smiling. She hadn't seen him smile in such a long time. It was like the weight of the world was suddenly off his shoulders.
Lord, don't let it now settle back on me
, she prayed.

“Hey, let's do something we haven't done in a long time together,” he said.

“Okay, what?” Did he want to build a sand castle? Run into the water?

“Let's head over to those sand dunes and pray together for a little while. Just sit down and run all these things by the Lord, ask for his wisdom and guidance, maybe give us peace so we don't get eaten up inside worrying about how it's all going to work out.”

Pray together? This really was a different day for them as a couple. “Sure,” she said. “I'd like that.”

As they walked to the sand dunes, Tom said, “Before we pray, Jean, there's something else I'd like to apologize for: the way I made you feel about our new baby.”

“Well, I haven't really even confirmed with the doctor that I'm pregnant yet.”

“I think we both know you probably are,” he said. “The point is, I know this is a crazy time we're going through right now, but I really am excited about the baby. And I don't want you to feel stuck out there by yourself, worrying about how we're going to make it. God's the one who gives life, and if he's decided to let it happen now, we'll just have to trust he'll make it all work out somehow.”

She was so relieved to hear this. Then he added, “Let's make that the first thing we pray about.”

So, they did. And then they prayed for a full twenty minutes more. When they were done, Jean felt as light as a feather, and closer to Tom than she had felt in years. On the way back to the car, she said, “There's something else I'd like us to change, since you're in such an agreeable mood.”

“What's that?”

“It would be a little bit of a drive, but I was talking with Michele, and I'd like us to start going to the same church your parents are going to. Michele and Allan are going there now, and she said they're really focused on helping families. They even have small groups for couples who want to strengthen their marriages. Our church is okay, but we've been going there for years and I still don't feel like I know anybody. We've just gone through this whole big thing, and I never once felt like there was anyone at our church I wanted to turn to for help. Are you open to that?”

“Wide open.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I think it would be great to all be going to the same
church together too.” When they got back to the car, Tom added, “Here's something else I'd like to change.” He walked around to her side and opened her car door.

“You're going to open my car door from now on?”

“Yes, just like Dad does for Mom. But that's not what I'm talking about.”

“What then?”

“You and I need to start having date nights again. Every week, like we used to before the kids were born. We'll see if Allan and Michele can babysit, or else my folks.”

“But we don't have any money for dates.”

“Then . . . we'll come here,” he said. “The beach doesn't cost a thing.”

She got in the car, then he walked around and got in the driver's side. Before he started the car, he leaned over and kissed her. Then he kissed her again, for much longer, and held her face gently in his hands. When they parted, he said, “I love you, Jean Anderson. Thank you so much for giving me another chance.”

She didn't know what to say. “You're welcome” seemed out of place.