The Promise (29 page)

G
ary and I are so glad you joined us for our second novel in the Restoration series. This book picks up the Anderson family's story about seven months after the conclusion of our first novel,
The Dance
. Although Jim and Marilyn are still working through some minor challenges, as you've just read, they are doing much better, as they enjoy a romantic second honeymoon in Italy.

But things aren't so rosy in Tom and Jean's relationship. In fact, they're an absolute mess. In one of the early chapters, we see Jean picking up a broken family portrait little Tommy accidentally knocked off the wall. This portrait is almost a metaphor for the condition of not only Tom and Jean's marriage relationship but also Tom's relationship with his dad.

I mentioned in my author's note at the end of
The Dance
that in the remaining books of the series a number of new storms would come, revealing the “sand foundation” upon which the Andersons' lives have been built. And that these storms would include some of the problems you and I face every day. That's certainly what unfolds in
The Promise
.

It seems everyone in America these days has either experienced the kinds of challenges Tom and Jean are facing or knows someone who has: a sudden job loss, a dramatic drop in income, being upside down in their mortgage and possibly losing their home, credit cards that are maxed out, and all the tension and conflicts such circumstances bring to a family.

But we see even greater challenges revealed in
The Promise
than the obvious economic ones. Uncle Henry sees something—an underlying measure of brokenness in the Anderson family—that no one else has perceived. He's able to see this because he's experienced the heartache and pain firsthand with his own father and then witnessed this legacy being passed on from his older brother to Jim. And Jim unwittingly passed on the same poor example to his children. Tom, as the firstborn, bore the brunt of it.

It turns out that the problem unveiled in the book is not rare. It happens a lot, even in solid Christian families—parents who love their children but fail to recognize their great need for regular encouragement and blessing.

Both Gary and I experienced this pain in our own childhood, at the hands of our fathers. Both of us went through our entire childhood without experiencing our fathers' blessing and encouragement or even hearing the simple words, “I'm proud of you, Son.” This pain continued into our adult lives, causing significant heartache and problems in our marriages and family relationships (just like we see with Tom).

Each of us has interacted with and counseled countless men and women in our ministries who have similar stories to tell. Some with their dads, others with their moms, some with both parents. In fact, this whole issue served as the theme for a major bestselling book Gary coauthored with Dr. John Trent called
The Blessing
.

The Blessing
was originally published in 1986. Since then, it has sold over two million copies, gone through several reprint
editions, and is still in great demand today. Which only shows how relevant this issue continues to be. I drew heavily from
The Blessing
as I shaped the story you've just read and recommend you get this book and read it from beginning to end. I'd also encourage you to look up John Trent's website at
www.strongfamilies.com
. Dr. Trent continues to equip individual Christians and churches in this critical area of family life.

I also drew inspiration from another great book by Gary, called
Joy That Lasts
. You may have a hard time finding this one in stores, but it's still available many places online and worth any effort it takes to get hold of a copy. It's that good. Besides all of the great lessons you'll learn about building effective relationships, Gary includes a number of personal, behind-the-scenes stories (some that made me laugh out loud).

I hope you'll join us for Book 3 of the Restoration series. We've already begun the research and are hammering out the story lines. With each book, we'll continue to bring you up-to-date on the characters we've already met and have grown to love, but we'll also focus on one of the other members of the Anderson family in a primary way.

As always, we'd love to hear from you, especially if the stories have blessed you or helped you in some way. You can reach me through the contact page on my website, or once there, by clicking one of the buttons to connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest. It's
danwalshbooks.com
. Also check out Gary's website, which he does with his son, Michael Smalley (an amazing author and counselor in his own right). It's simply smalley.cc.

Dan
: In our first book,
The Dance
, you said you most identified with Jim's character on a personal level. Who did you identify with in
The Promise
and why?

Gary
: This time it was Tom. Tom felt unblessed by his dad, and he was fearful of disappointing him. Growing up, I had never received my dad's verbal approval, and as I look back over my life with Norma, my wife, I can see that, like Tom, I made a lot of mistakes by being way too concerned over my own successes. I missed the “little areas” that meant a lot to Norma in our early married years.

Dan
: In writing
The Promise
, we drew heavily from the themes in the book
The Blessing
, which you co-wrote with Dr. John Trent. Although this book originally released in 1986, it has since come out in several new editions, has been your all-time biggest seller (over two million copies sold), and continues to remain in print today. What is it about the message of this book that resonates so strongly with so many people?

Gary
: Most people are not aware of the huge power of a verbal blessing from a father to his children and wife, or the actions that result when he follows through on what he says. In
The Blessing
, we outlined five steps to bless a child, but those same steps can be used to bless anyone. The book became very popular because many adults finally realized why they acted the way they did, and they finally understood that they, too, had not received their own father's blessing. The book became even more popular when people realized that anyone can give a blessing and that the results are powerfully effective in a blessed person's life. Every one of us needs encouragement and praise, and when we get it, it feels so good and satisfying.

Dan
: In one part of our book, Jim is talking with Uncle Henry about his struggle to encourage or bless his children when they're still “messing up.” He's afraid if he encourages them before they succeed, they'll lose their motivation to keep working hard. What's wrong with this thinking and why do parents find it hard to encourage and bless their children the way God wants them to?

Gary
: No one is perfect. But most kids and adults have many qualities that are admirable. The key to blessing someone is to find those positive qualities and praise the person for them. In fact, making a lifetime list of the important, positive characteristics of a person increases our affection for them. Jesus said that our heart is always where our treasures are. Positive blessings are far more motivating than critical statements. When parents bless their children by saying things like, “I will always love you no matter what you do or say. I'll be there beside you to support you unconditionally. You will always be highly valued by me, and you can't do or say anything to lose my loyalty to you,” those kinds of statements relax a child or loved one and enable them to receive more love and encourage a more loving relationship. For example, if your child or mate has
an addiction, rejection or criticism actually increases their addiction. What they need is love. Our need for love is like a fuel tank. Most addictions develop when a person's tank is too low. Addicts tend to have a decreased need for their addictions when they are shown love. Why? Because that love fills their tank back up.

Dan
: Parents know that part of their responsibility is to instruct, train, and even discipline their children at times. But too often, kids (especially teenagers) complain that no one ever listens to them, and all they ever get from their parents are lectures. How can a parent provide the necessary verbal instruction and correction for their children but still address this real concern children have about being heard and understood? Is there some kind of correction-to-encouragement ratio parents should follow?

Gary
: With my three kids, if any of them told me that they felt misunderstood or lectured too much, I'd stop on the spot and listen immediately. I would ask them to share again what they wanted me to understand. This is simple. Teens start to become individuals by “bucking us” as their parents. They often challenge their parents' opinions. That's great. Don't resent it. Debate with them, but try to understand their point of view. Norma and I worked hard at keeping our honor high and our anger low, not just toward each other but toward each of our kids. My book
The Key to Your Child's Heart
explains in more detail how we raised our three kids. All three of them love God now, honor others, and keep their anger low toward each other. You can Google their names and see how God is using each one (Kari Gibson, Dr. Greg Smalley, and Michael Smalley).

Dan
: One of the themes in
The Promise
is the challenges parents and children have once the children grow up and move out on their own. What are some of the challenges you and Norma faced (and can talk about) with your kids
as adults, and what advice can you offer parents facing those same challenges now?

Gary
: Life goes on and the dynamics of any relationship continue to change over time. We have had normal conflicts with each of our grown adult children and with their spouses. But in each case, we continue to do what the Andersons are now learning to do. We pray for each other, seek to understand any wrongs or hurts the other might feel, and take the appropriate actions to repair any damage. We keep our loyalty high toward each other and never give up on anyone. We tend to do our “Five Steps When We Offend Others.” They are:

1. We become gentle so that we can listen fully.
   
2. We listen until we fully understand, and we each let each other know when we think we all understand each other.
   
3. When we understand fully, after we “get it,” we admit our wrongs.
   
4. We seek forgiveness by saying something like, “I understand why you are hurting from what I said or did, would you please forgive me?”
   
5. We touch the offended person as soon as possible to “check” on the level of hurt or forgiveness. Unforgiving people tend to pull away and avoid touching the person who offended them.
   

Dan
: What advice do you have for adult children? How should they treat their parents now, compared to when they lived at home? For example, is the command to “honor your father and mother” still in play, even though they are no longer required to “obey” their parents? If so, what does that look like?

Gary
: This question is a delight. Honor is an act of the will; it is valuing someone and listening to his or her advice
even if you disagree. A large part of honoring your parents is taking the time to maintain contact with them, to let them know you care, whether by text, email, phone call, or time spent in person. All three of our children highly honor us as parents. We text, email, and call each other from time to time just to get caught up. My son Michael is actually helping to manage my speaking and writing schedule. That's a giant help. Honoring each other is still such a huge priority to all of us. That's not something that's ever supposed to change.

Dan
: Another theme we address in the book is the level of honesty that should exist between couples in marriage. Tom withholds the bad news about losing his job from Jean in an attempt to “protect” her from fear and anxiety. Clearly, he goes way too far. But are there ever times when a spouse could/should withhold something from their loved ones? Is that ever a loving thing to do, even temporarily, or is honesty always the best policy?

Gary
: I tend to agree that honesty is
almost
always the best policy. But in a very few situations, we might not want to open up completely. Let's say that we are irritated at something our mate or friend is doing regularly. Can we just learn to forgive and use the irritation to work on the “logs” in our own eyes as Jesus teaches? Most people do not realize that some irritations are just that, “logs” in their own behavior. Someday (when we're old)
, we might want to ask if any of our actions irritate our mate or friends.

Dan
: In a fiction book, it's not appropriate to go into the levels of teaching you'd find in a nonfiction book such as
The Blessing
or
Joy That Lasts
. But are there any specific points we touched on in
The Promise
you'd like to elaborate on here in a little more detail? (Of course, I'd recommend everyone get both of these books and read them cover to cover.)

Gary
: Here's one. In my book
Making Love Last Forever
, I had the opportunity to expand on the major problem of holding anger within for long periods of time. Anger must be removed from our life as soon as possible. There are over thirty major negative consequences that grow within a person if they don't release the anger. One of the most damaging consequences is that we weaken our relationships with God and man. Here's something else: darkness takes over an angry person and the enemy's influence is greatly increased (1 John 2:9–11 and Eph. 4:25). We need to learn to forgive quickly and seek forgiveness in a hurry to help our loved ones stay connected to both God and us.