The Regal Rules for Girls (20 page)
It’s my wedding day. I’m standing near the doors of the tiny London chapel in my giant white satin gown, awaiting the musical cue for my dad to escort me down the aisle. I can’t see them yet, but I know the chapel is filled with one hundred of our closest friends and family—half of them American, half of them British. The aisle is lined with bay trees (a decorative touch later borrowed by William and Kate). My five bridesmaids, dressed in gold damask, slowly begin the procession ahead of me. The last one in line turns to me, and right before she walks down the aisle, she says, “Jerramy, just so you know—there are lots of girls in there with birds on their heads!”
What my dearest American bridesmaid didn’t know is that those birds were actually fetching British headpieces known as
fascinators
. Fascinators are feathery little head ornaments, held in place with a comb, pin, or band, that are becoming more and more popular with young British women who want to avoid feeling like Lady Bracknell
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in large, wide-brimmed headwear. Because I’m so short and tend to look like a mushroom in wide-brimmed hats, I am also a huge fan of the fascinator. As is, increasingly so, the Duchess of Cambridge. Despite their frivolous appearance, this relatively recent millinery trend shows no signs of abating.
FASCINATORS…
Should be worn on the side of your head; never in the center. When netting is involved, it’s okay to let it drape seductively over one eye.
Work well with wavy hair, tumbling curls, or an elegant up-do. Experiment to see which angle will best complement your features and your outfit.
Should remain on your head throughout the day and night, regardless of where you are—be it a church, formal dining room, or dance floor.
Can easily veer from classy and decorative to flamboyant and inappropriate, so ask a friend to make sure you look like you’re going to a wedding and not a Brazilian Carnival.
Charles (played by Hugh Grant):
How do you do—my name is Charles.
Old man
: Don’t be ridiculous, Charles died twenty years ago!
Charles
: Must be a different Charles, I think.
Old man
: Are you telling me I don’t know my own brother?
—
FROM THE FILM
F
OUR
W
EDDINGS AND A
F
UNERAL
(1994)
Four Weddings and a Funeral
is not just a terrific Hugh Grant movie—when it comes to understanding the wacky and wonderful occasion that is a British wedding, it’s practically a documentary. While US weddings are incredibly diverse, British weddings tend to follow a very predictable format:
There is no rehearsal dinner whatsoever, but the bachelor/bachelorette parties (“stag” and “hen” weekends, respectively) usually require at least two nights away in a foreign country.
The ceremony takes place in the bride’s village church and involves several tuneless hymns that only the privately educated Brits know the words to.
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The reception is held in a marquee in the backyard of the bride’s parents.
You have champagne and canapés for one hour and then you begin a three-course sit-down dinner which is weirdly called the “wedding breakfast.”
You are rarely seated next to your date or your spouse, yet you are always seated boy-girl-boy-girl.
You talk to the guy on your right (and no one else) for the entire first course; when the main course arrives, you can begin talking to the person on your left (and no one else). When the dessert arrives, you can talk to anyone at the table.
After all three courses have been served and consumed, the speeches begin. Speeches are considered way, way more important in Britain than they are in America—people make serious bets over both their content and their length.
There are always three speeches and they are always in the same order: the father of the bride, the best man, and then the groom (as if he doesn’t have enough going on that day). The British guests at my wedding nearly hyperventilated
when two of my bridesmaids got up to speak.
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(Women giving speeches? That’s crazy!)
It is not uncommon for each speech to last well over thirty minutes. Please take note that you are still sitting at a table full of strangers, you’ve been sitting at this table for nearly three hours already, and you have absolutely nothing to do but continue sitting there until the speeches are over and the wedding cake is served, so most people think that to pass the time they might as well get drunk.
Yes, cake is served
after, and in addition to,
dessert—and it’s
always
brandy-soaked fruit cake with a two-inch layer of marzipan icing.
English wedding cake is soaked in so much alcohol that it has what appears to be an infinite shelf life. It’s very common for British couples to serve actual pieces of their wedding cake at their first child’s christening. That’s how long this scary cake can last.
Finally, around 1 a.m., the dancing begins, by which point everyone is either (a) asleep on the table or (b) too drunk to stand up.