The Season: Rush (Austin Arrows #1) (36 page)

46

Ellie

Wednesday, December 21
st

“Captain Douchebag,” Noelle states, lifting her wineglass. “That’s such a good name. It’s actually disappointing that I don’t get to use it for him.”

After spending the last few days in an emotional fog, I finally felt up to sharing the details of what happened with James with Noelle. I haven’t talked to Kingston about it yet, but only because he seems to be pulling away from me. I know this must be hard for him, but I’m not sure how to make it easier. For any of us.

When Spencer and Kingston stopped by and picked Bianca and Gabby up to go ice skating, I knew my brother was giving me a chance to talk to Noelle about what’s going on. When I chose to tell him, he didn’t delve too deep into the subject, so I didn’t offer. I think he might feel guilty about the way he originally treated me. Which is fine because he should. I get that something’s going on with him, but he has no right to take it out on me.

It’s as though he and Kingston want to remain completely oblivious on the matter. I don’t like it, but I know everyone is processing this in their own way. So, I’m taking advantage of the fact Noelle will give me her unbiased opinion, regardless of what she thinks I might want to hear. That’s what best friends do. They’re brutally honest.

“He’s not a douchebag,” I inform my best friend. “James is actually really nice.”

“You sound surprised by that.”

I take a sip of my wine, giving that some thought. I don’t know why I had preconceived ideas of what James would be like. Maybe it’s from more than a decade of thinking about this scenario. I never would’ve predicted that the conversation would’ve gone quite so smoothly. Telling a man you knew for all of five, six hours tops, that you gave birth to his child and you would like to introduce the two of them… It could definitely get ugly, and I guess that’s what I expected. Pure fear.

I think all mothers might think this way. When you have children, there comes a point in your life when you know that the world would cease to exist without them in it. Whether it’s the second you put your arms around them when they’re born, or when they say their first word, take their first step, give their first kiss, a mother feels everything inside her. Whatever it is, a mother knows her life would never be the same if someone or something took that from her. That’s what love is. A mother can learn to deal with the pain of losing a spouse, having to start life over after a divorce or, God forbid, a tragic accident. But when it comes to her children… There is this love that is irrational, bringing with it a sense of fear even when it’s not warranted. Just looking at them… Every time I look at Bianca, I feel it. My heart swells to overflowing, and that
something
I can’t explain is there. Something tethers your children’s hearts to yours from the very beginning, and nothing will ever break that bond.

That’s how I feel about Bianca.

“I am surprised,” I tell Noelle. “I remember this extremely sexy alpha male. Maybe he was, or maybe that’s what I wanted him to be. I don’t know. But this guy… He is nothing like the man I remember.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

I shake my head. “Not at all. He’s being very mature about this. Which is good. I think the only way we can make this work is to be adults about it.”

Noelle giggles. “I can’t believe he was nineteen when you took advantage of him.”

I choke on a laugh. “I don’t think there were any advantages being taken. We were both more than willing.”

“Have you told Bianca?”

I shake my head. “I will. Eventually. I don’t know when, though. I’m meeting with James again tomorrow for lunch. I want to talk about a few things. Like the paternity test.” I smile. “He didn’t have a problem when I suggested it. I looked up what it entailed. Did you know they have them online now? Supposedly it’s a simple process and won’t take long to get the results back. Faster if I’m willing to pay to have them expedited. I want James’s take on it. See if he’s good with that.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. He sounds extremely accommodating so far.”

I detect a hint of sarcasm in Noelle’s tone. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” She waves me off. “I just think he’s taking this pretty well for a guy who was told he has a twelve-year-old kid.”

I couldn’t argue with her. He does seem to be taking it well. It’s another reason I want to talk to him. I need to make sure he doesn’t have some ulterior motive. I’d like to believe I would’ve sensed if he did, but right now, I’m a jumble of emotions and nerves, so I doubt it.

“What does Kingston think about all this?”

I shrug. “He hasn’t asked and I haven’t told him. I’m sure this is hard on him. He’s like my brother in that regard. I think he holds something against James for what happened when I went to Vegas, although it’s not his fault. He had no way of knowing…” I glance at the table. “I have no way of knowing how he feels because it’s like he refuses to talk to me about it.”

“Like Spencer’s doing?” Noelle asks.

“Yes. Just like that. I’ve mentioned James a few times, but he seems to shrug it off like it doesn’t matter to him. I don’t know how this will play out. Or even how I’m going to tell Bianca.” I sigh. “I wish I could predict the future to see how this turns out.”

Noelle giggles. “You and me both, sister. But if you do get blessed with that ability, could you please tell me how my love life is gonna turn out? I’d be rather interested.”

“Why?” I tease. “You could always date my brother.”

“Oh, please.” Noelle waves me off again, but I see something in her eyes. Was that hope?

“Just remember, when you tell Bianca … if it doesn’t go the way she wants it to, she always has you. And she has Kingston.”

That gets my attention. As though talking about it might somehow make it fall apart, Noelle and I haven’t talked about Kingston or our “relationship.” I know she’s curious, but she’s my best friend. She gets me, and sometimes, I don’t want to talk about it.

“And she has my brother,” I add.

Noelle’s eyebrows dart down. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

I take a swig of wine. “Then what did you mean?”

My best friend leans back, one arm sprawled across the back of the couch. “Ellie Elizabeth Kaufman. Can you honestly sit there and tell me that you’ve never noticed how great of a dad that man would be?”

My eyes widen. I have to clear my throat to get the words out. “Who? Kingston?”

“Who is Bianca with right now?”

I know it’s a rhetorical question, so I roll my eyes.

“And how many times has he taken Bianca and Gabby ice skating? With Spencer and without him? Or to the movies? Or to the park when she was little? Or to the bookstore to get—”

“Okay, I get it,” I snap. “But it’s not like that between us. He’s a friend.”

“The hell he is,” Noelle counters. “That man loves you. He loves Bianca. Sure, he might be your brother’s best friend and that’s the reason he’s in your life, but he’s been here through thick and thin. Who held you at your parents’ funeral?”

My heart lurches as it always does when I think about that. I miss my mom and dad so much. One day they were here, happy, smiling…and the next day they were gone. Literally. The unfortunate boating accident took them from us, leaving a gaping hole in their place.

But Noelle is right. Kingston was there for me and Bianca that day. Hell, he was there for a solid week. Spencer had an extremely difficult time with our parents’ death. While he dealt with his own pain, Kingston was our rock. He came over to our house and made me and Bianca dinner for several nights. Not once did he ask for anything in return. And when I cried myself to sleep, he would watch cartoons with Bianca to keep her occupied.

“I get it,” I tell her softly. “But this is an arrangement.”

“It
was
an arrangement,” she states. “And honestly, I think it was more of an excuse. For him.” Noelle smiles. “And maybe for you, too.”

I can’t deny this. Although I was hesitant, I knew I couldn’t say no to Spencer’s proposition because I damn sure didn’t want to see Kingston with another woman.

“So, while you’re trying to figure out a way to make this a happily ever after for everyone involved, you might consider the one man who’s been pretty much doing that all along.”

I swallow hard.

The sound of the doorknob turning has Noelle and me both glancing at the front door.

“Oh, and look. There’s the man of the hour now.”

Bianca barges into the room, a huge grin on her face. “Kingston taught me how to hockey stop! And I did it.”

Kingston steps into the house behind her, his eyes instantly meeting mine. He doesn’t smile, but he isn’t frowning, so I consider that a good thing.

“The girl’s good,” he says. “A lot better than you are on ice skates.”

I chuckle. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Bianca turns to Kingston. “Thanks for taking us.”

“Any time, kiddo.”

Without another word, Bianca bounds up the stairs out of sight.

“Where’s Spencer?” I ask, stretching out my legs and dropping my feet to the floor.

“He went home. I told him I’d drop them off.”

Noelle gets to her feet. “Would ya look at the time?”

The woman isn’t looking at a clock.

“I’ve got shit to do. You know how it is.”

I know she has nothing to do, but I don’t try to stop her. It’s obvious what she’s doing, and a little alone time with Kingston is probably just what I need. I set my empty glass down on the coffee table and follow Noelle to the door. After a quick hug, she darts out of the house, and I turn around to find Kingston staring back at me.

Because there’s a nervous tension arcing between us, I choose to sidestep him, grabbing the two wineglasses on my way into the kitchen and depositing them into the sink. I change my mind at the last second and decide to hand-wash them. Anything to keep me busy. When I turn back around, I find Kingston only a few feet away.

He’s leaning against the center island, his arms crossed over his chest. It reminds me of that morning we had sex for the first time. It seems like so long ago, but it’s only been a little over a month since that day.

When Kingston doesn’t say anything, I begin to worry. The way he’s staring at me, I can tell he has something on his mind.

“You okay?” I ask, hoping to spur some conversation and get rid of this awkwardness that’s building between us.

“I don’t know.” There seems to be so much honesty in those words. As though he’s truly baffled about how he feels.

“Did I do something?”

Kingston shakes his head.

I stare back at him.

Something’s wrong. I can feel it. Something more than the uncomfortableness of the situation with James. He’s distant and aloof, not at all the same man who took me to dinner the night James called. Rather than urge him to speak, I hold my breath. I’m not sure I want to know what he’s thinking right now. He looks upset, maybe even a little angry.

He stands to his full height. “I should go. I’ve got a game tomorrow night. Then two road games. I’m going to Scott’s for Christmas on Sunday so I can see Dad. Then I’m flying to meet the team in Ottawa before we head back this way next week.”

As he says the words, I notice how unemotional they are. As though he’s talking to an assistant.

“Oh,” I say, trying to piece it all together. I didn’t even realize Christmas was on Sunday. “Okay.”

He nods but doesn’t lean in to kiss me like he normally does.

When he pivots and heads toward the entryway, I automatically follow him. Without looking back, he pulls open the front door and takes one step outside before I reach for him.

“Hey,” I whisper, hoping my emotions aren’t reflected on my face. He’s hurting me with his callousness, but I’m not sure I have the right to be hurt. We’re not in a relationship. Not a real one, anyway. I don’t get to be upset with him. I force a smile. “Be careful, okay?”

His eyes trail over my face slowly, but he doesn’t smile when he says, “I will. Merry Christmas.”

I swallow hard. When the door closes, I stare at it for the longest time.

It’s then that I realize this is far more complicated than I ever expected. More than I ever wanted, in fact. And I don’t have a clue what to do about that. But if I don’t do
something
, I might possibly lose Kingston forever.

Is that a risk I’m willing to take?

47

Kingston

Sunday, December 25th

“Hey, bro,” Heath greets with a hard slap on the back when I step into Scott’s house.

I smile. It’s not necessarily genuine, but I’m trying. For the past few days, I’ve spent more than enough time thinking. Most of the time I’ve been coming up with off-the-wall scenarios of what’s taking place between Ellie and James back home.

“You hungry, son?” Dad calls from the kitchen.

“Starved,” I tell him, making my way over and offering a hug.

I can tell Dad’s lost weight. The man I’ve looked up to my entire life used to be a robust man. Once six three, he has probably lost a couple of inches in recent years, his back not as ramrod straight as it previously was. His once thick dark hair has been replaced with thin strands of gray. Today my father’s eyes are clear and there’s a smile on his face. It helps to lighten my mood. It’s good to see him smiling and happy.

“Good,” Scott hollers. “Get your fucking ass in here and help.”

I laugh. Scott’s the only one of us, other than our father, who sounds as though he’s never stepped foot out of Boston. While Heath and I still have the noticeable accent, Scott’s is much thicker, like our dad’s. I think about how Ellie and Bianca giggle every time they hear him talk. Then they’ll spend a good half hour trying to speak without using
R
s and replacing
“uh”
with “ah.” The thought makes my chest hurt again.

“Where are your girls?” Heath questions as I help move platters of food from the kitchen and into the dining room.

“At home.” I don’t want my brothers to get too nosy.

“They spending Christmas with Spencer?”

Actually, I don’t know. I’ve been too much of a chickenshit to call Ellie and find out. That doesn’t stop me from agreeing, though.

“Wish they coulda come,” Scott states.

Yeah. Me, too.

“Now sit,” Dad commands. “Let’s do this. I’m starved.”