The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (11 page)

Sometimes one is better than many.

The same is true in relationships. We can be friends with everyone and spread ourselves around very thin, but we will have no great relationship and no extraordinary experience of intimacy. Or we can bring focus and priority to a handful of relationships and explore the wonders of love and intimacy in the context of those relationships.

Sometimes less truly is more.

The significance of positive relationships in our quest for happiness cannot be understated. Positive relationships make every trial bearable and every triumph sweeter. Positive relationships influence every aspect of our lives and are the trademark of all happy lives.

W
HO
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NERGIZES
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ne of the great myths of the twentieth century was that time is our most valuable resource. The propagation of this myth led us to read books, listen to tapes, and attend courses about time management. We all invested in planners to help organize our time, and later we reinvested in Palm Pilots. We were told, “Time is money.” “Don’t waste time. Life is time.” “Guard your time.” “Plan your time.” “Defend your time.” “Wasting time is wasting life.”

Most of this is true to some extent, but time is not our most valuable resource. The equality that is so often spoken about by politicians but rarely found in our modern world actually exists with respect to time. You get twenty-four hours a day and I get twenty-four hours a day. Nobody gets more. It doesn’t matter how much money you have; you still get only twenty-four hours. It doesn’t matter how well you kick a football or who your parents are; you still get just twenty-four hours. Equality. But some people do an awful lot more with their twenty-four hours than others do. Why? Energy is our most valuable resource, not time.

Energy is one of the most important factors for us to consider in relationships. What types of people energize you?

I’m energized by people who are smarter than I am, people who know things I don’t know, people who have experienced things I haven’t, people who have met men and women of great achievement and extraordinary character and can tell me a little about them. People who have great relationships energize me. People who have achieved extraordinary things energize me. People who know exactly what they want energize me. I am energized by people who are at peace with themselves and their God, people who have learned to live with their inner demons and at the same time shine. People struggling against the odds energize me. People who are willing to give everything to pursue a dream energize me. Silent heroes energize me. I am energized by people who go out of their way to commit random acts of kindness. People who are striving to become the-best-version-of-themselves energize me.

Who energizes you?

Why do they energize you?

It’s important to know what types of people energize you and what types of people drain your energy. It’s also important to know why different people affect your energy level in different ways.

It is also important not to confuse people with their environments. Some environments energize us at first, but only temporarily. The unknown worlds of rich and famous people can energize those of us who are not used to them, but that energy is an illusion that doesn’t last. Similarly, if you are dating someone who takes you to all the best restaurants, buys you wonderful gifts, and takes you on trips to exotic places, you have to be careful not to fall in love with the lifestyle. You have to be sure that it is the person that interests you, not the lifestyle.

Life is the constant using and replenishing of energy. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually, we are constantly using and replenishing energy.

Relationships can be tremendously energizing, but they can also be very draining. Too often it is the lower-level secondary relationships (the doorman, the bank teller, our customers, the telemarketer) that drain our energy and leave us spent. As a result, our primary relationship (spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, significant other) and higher-level secondary relationships (children, parents, siblings) tend to suffer.

We may feel that our primary relationship drains us. We may believe that our higher-level secondary relationships drain us. The truth is, however, that we are probably drained before we get to our primary relationship and our higher-level secondary relationships. For example, a man comes home from a long day at the office and his wife wants to tell him about her day and his children want him to play catch or help with their homework. He feels pulled in many directions and concludes that his primary relationship (with his wife) and his higher-level secondary relationships (with his children) are draining him. The reality is that his energy was already drained when he got home.

In our reactionary world, it is then a natural progression for us to say that the man had to go to work—to pay the bills, to support his family—and that is why his energy is drained, and that is simply the way of the world. But if we are brutally honest with ourselves, we come to realize that we allow people and situations to upset our equilibrium and rob us of our energy. Life is choices. Everything is a choice. We cannot choose the way other people speak and act, but we can choose how we respond to the ways other people speak and act. We can respond calmly or angrily. And how we choose to respond to people controls the energy valve. Get angry, flip the valve, and you can almost instantly feel the energy rushing out of you like the air from a balloon. Stay calm and you can feel an inner strength growing, and an energy being created and consolidated.

What people do and say doesn’t generally affect our energy level nearly as much as how we respond to what they do and say. We cannot control what other people do and say, but we can control how we respond. And by controlling how we respond, we control the energy.

Energy is an important part of intimacy. On a foundational level, intimacy is an exchange of energy. Knowing what energizes us and what energizes the people we love is one very powerful part of building and sustaining a dynamic relationship.

To be in tune with who and what energize us is an important step in the process of self-knowledge. It requires an awareness that is formed through self-observation. Most people, consumed with themselves, are completely oblivious to how the things they do and say affect the people around them, for better or for worse.

What sorts of people energize you?

How do the people in your immediate circle energize you?

How do those same people drain your energy?

Over the next few days, take note of which people and situations energize you and which ones drain your energy. Also, try to be aware of whether you are energized or drained by the person, the situation, or the way you yourself are responding to them. Learning what types of people and situations energize you, and what types of people and situations zap you of your energy, can powerfully transform the way you relate to people.

Energy is our most valuable resource. The more energy we have, the richer and more abundant our experience of life becomes. Energy is important to the success of your relationships. It’s hard to be a good person when you are stressed out and tired. “Fatigue makes cowards of us all,” Vince Lombardi observed. It is hard to be kind, thoughtful, gentle, and compassionate when you are tired. Finding ways to constantly replenish our energy is critically important to our relationships.

Intimacy should energize you. Not all the time, of course. Sometimes relationships can be more draining than anything else in this life, but as a general rule, intimacy should energize us. One sign that we have reached great heights in our quest for intimacy is that we know how to energize each other. Knowing how and when to energize each other is a sign of seventh-level intimacy.

C
HOOSING
F
RIENDS AND
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ARTNERS

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f you had to do it all over again and begin a primary relationship right now, how would you do it differently? Yes, it’s a wildly hypothetical proposition for many of you, but it’s not a bad place to start. It is one way to ascertain what you think is missing from your primary relationship, and what you really want from a relationship. If you take the question seriously, you will find it tells you a lot about your primary relationship and about who you are and what is important to you as an individual. It will also very likely tell you something about how your priorities have changed over time.

If you are single, then this is a very practical exercise. The great multitudes of people passing through this world don’t know what they want. Most people know what they
don’t
want, either because they have it now or because they have had it in the past. It is painful and impossible to eliminate all the undesirable possibilities through experience. Knowing what you do want can save you a lot of heartache.

Every choice becomes significantly easier once we commit to placing our essential purpose at the center of our lives. When we choose a partner for life and friends to make the journey with, we should do it with our essential purpose clearly in mind.

There are only two genuine unspoiled motives for friendship. The first is that you can help the other person become the-best-version-of-himself or herself. The second is that the other person can help you achieve the same. In an ideal friendship, both exist. What is preferable in friendship is necessary between partners. You cannot form a primary relationship simply because you can help the other person. Marriage, the most common form of primary relationship, is two people challenging and encouraging each other to become the-best-version-of-themselves, and then in turn raising children and educating them to become the-best-version-of-themselves.

Will this person help me become the-best-version-of-myself?

Am I in a unique position to help this person become the-best-version-of-herself (or himself)?

Don’t you wish your children would use these criteria to choose their friends? Don’t you wish your children asked themselves, “Will this person help me become the-best-version-of-myself?” before they admitted people into their inner circle?

Do you use these criteria?

Or do you choose your friends for any number of shallow and superficial reasons?

Everything from popularity to opportunity motivates friendship. What are your motives? Who are your friends, and why are they your friends? What are your friends’ motives for having you as their friend?

This is why I spend so much of my time and energy in high schools, teaching young people to base their decisions on guiding principles and lasting values, rather than on fleeting whims, cravings, and fantasies. Many of the most important decisions we make concern who we spend our days, weeks, months, and years surrounded by. Sooner or later we all rise or fall to the level of our friendships.

Let me tell you about some of my friends. Throughout my life I have been extraordinarily blessed with the people whose paths have crossed with mine. Today I have friends all over the world who encourage, challenge, and inspire me to become the-best-version-of-myself.

At the top of that list at this time in my life is a couple who live in northeastern Pennsylvania. I met Janie and Tony several years ago. Janie’s great contribution has been to transform the way I eat, with her book
Essential Eating
. When we first met I ate very, very poorly. But over time Janie continued to challenge me to see food as fuel and to take better care of the body that has been entrusted to me.

Tony is a recovering alcoholic. He hasn’t had a drink in twenty years, but his understanding of the addictive mind is inspired and absolutely fascinates me. Tony has been to hell and back through his addiction and now makes himself available to others as they struggle to overcome the tyranny of addiction. The thing about Tony is that he will never tell you what he thinks you should do. He will just ask you questions, and let you talk it through, until you arrive at the course of action that will help you become the-best-version-of-yourself. It is a way of relating to people that takes tremendous patience, and in this crazy busy world I find it awe-inspiring.

What attracts me to both Janie and Tony’s friendship is the way they are able to honor and enjoy me as an individual without ignoring the public aspect of my life. Some people just want me to be the “Matthew Kelly” they have discovered in books and through my talks and seminars, while other people just want me to be the “Matthew” whom they grew up with or went to college with. Those who want me to be Matthew Kelly tend to ignore the normal person behind the name, and those who just want me to be Matthew tend to ignore the public aspect of my life. But I need friends who don’t ignore or negate either part of my life, friends who can share both the ordinary personal moments and the rather extraordinary public moments with me. Tony and Janie are two such friends.

Another great friend of mine is Dan. I could tell Dan anything and I honestly believe he wouldn’t judge me. It is quite extraordinary. When I was first getting to know him, it was my natural condition to distrust such overwhelming and complete acceptance, but over time experience has consistently affirmed that Dan is the least judgmental person I know. I want to have that quality. I want to be as nonjudgmental and accepting of the people in my life as he is; I want to make people feel the way he makes me feel, completely accepted. So I love being around Dan. He energizes me and silently inspires me to change and grow.

Let me tell you, maintaining a nonjudgmental attitude is harder work than you might think.

My friend Nick is more genuinely interested in other people’s lives than anyone else I know. When Nick asks you, “How are you?” or “How was your day?” it is not a conversational platitude; he is genuinely interested and wants to know. Nick’s fiancée teaches Tae-bo, so on Tuesday nights you can find Nick and me sweating it out at the back of her class and catching up on the happenings of our lives.