The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (26 page)

If you sense that you have far to go in your relationship from where you are to the great relationship you each want to have, it is important to break the journey down into manageable baby steps.

Step 5: Believe You Can Achieve Your Plan

Belief is a habit of the mind and spirit that is fostered by hope. When we begin to doubt our relationship, our thoughts tend to turn to the negative experiences of the past or the qualities that we find annoying in our partner. Hope for the future and belief in the plan you have enthusiastically agreed upon are fostered by forming the habit of turning your thoughts to the wonderful moments you have shared in the past and the qualities that you most love and admire about your significant other.

If you spend your days and weeks thinking about the negative aspects of your relationship and your partner, you will lose hope and you will stop believing. If you spend the empty moments of your day thinking about the wonderful memories you have created together and the qualities you love and admire most in your partner, your hope will grow and so will your belief that you can build a richer and more abundant future together.

Choose to believe.

Step 6: Make It an Absolute Must to Be Part of a Great Relationship

Discuss the things that are important to you and ask your significant other to do the same. The list may include career, friends, family, primary relationship, watching football with your mates, eating at great restaurants, having nice clothes, taking annual vacations, being financially secure, feeling appreciated, being healthy, or having a fantastic family home. The list would certainly not be limited to these, but they will give you a starting point.

Make a list of all the things that are important to you. Nothing is too small or trivial. Share your list with each other in its entirety. Then assign a rank of 1, 2, or 3 to each item on your list, with 1 signifying the things most important to you and 3 the things that are least important.

I am going to assume that your primary relationship made the list, and that it was ranked 1. What else did you give this highest ranking to? Ask yourself whether your primary relationship is more important than each of these.

In most cases you will be able to agree that your primary relationship is more important than anything else in your life. In your everyday life, however, you may put your work, your financial security, and any number of less important matters ahead of your significant relationship.

This exercise is designed to help you realize what is important to you and to your significant other, and to point out that when you reflect on it your primary relationship is the most important reality in your life. This exercise is also designed to help us learn to hold each other accountable. Next time you (or your partner) puts something of lesser importance ahead of your relationship, the other is responsible for gently reminding you of your priorities. At times circumstances will force something else to take priority, and these times call for acceptance and understanding. But these instances should be the exception to the rule, and not a way of life.

Imagine that your significant other died suddenly tomorrow; how would your life change?

Having realized that, apart from maintaining our personal integrity, nothing is more important than our primary relationship, we can now commit to making it a
must
to have a great relationship.

Step 7: Persevere and Follow Through

One way to prepare for a storm is to see it coming. Reviewing again your common purpose, your mission statement, and your action plan, what do you think is most likely to stop you as a couple and as individuals from following through with your plan? Write down what you think those obstacles will be.

Another way to ensure perseverance and follow-through is to schedule regular review sessions. Get out your planners right now: schedule a weekend away together in one year. Write the date in your journals. Then agree to meet to discuss your progress once a week for the next four weeks, and then once a month for the next eleven months. Schedule next week’s meeting now.

Why is it that the very basic success skills that we employ in our everyday lives we often disregard when it comes to our relationships?

The final way to increase your chances of following through on your plan is to review it every day. You may decide to use your journal as your dream book also. Either way, read it every day. As it becomes more and more dense with dreams and goals and plans, you may only be able to read a couple of pages each day. But constantly be reviewing your plan to establish a great relationship. This will keep it fresh in your mind when your life is full of distractions.

The secret to following through and transforming our action plan into a fresh and vibrant relationship is to review the plan regularly (individually and as a couple), to have open, honest, and regular conversations about our progress, and to set some time apart once a year to revisit, refresh, and revise the plan.

Step 8: Hold Each Other Accountable to Your Purpose and Plan

The hardest part in all of this, at least in the early stages, may be summoning the courage to hold each other accountable to your commonly agreed-upon purpose and plan. It is important that we learn to do this in ways that are devoid of ego and filled with a genuine love for the other person. This love expresses itself in a desire to see those we love become the-best-version-of-themselves. If our partner sees our holding them accountable as a manipulative tool that we use to get our own way, then the response is likely to be resentment. If our partner genuinely feels that we are acting selflessly and out of a sincere desire to help him or her become his or her best self, then the response is likely to be much more appreciative and enthusiastic.

We should never try to hold someone accountable when we are angry, in front of other people, or for any reason other than the good of the relationship. It may also be important to remember that we are all human. We have good days and bad days; we have days when we are very energetic in the pursuit of our purpose, and days when we are not so energetic. Holding someone accountable requires that we learn when to challenge and when to encourage, when to confront a situation and when to simply let it pass.

We all need to be held accountable, but no one likes to have someone breathing down our necks every minute of every day. Done properly, holding your partner accountable will only encourage him or her to love and respect you more. Done in the wrong way, it will elicit resentment. If your partner responds with resentment, ask how he or she would like you to approach these situations.

Step 9: Don’t Give Up in the Face of Major Challenges

A tree with strong roots can weather any storm. Your commonly agreed-upon purpose, mission statement, and plan provide the first deep roots. Regularly discussing your progress will strengthen these roots.

The storm is coming. In his best-selling work
The Road Less Traveled
, M. Scott Peck’s now famous opening words were “Life is difficult.” Many of us never accept this and as a result we never learn to thrive. Instead we are plagued by a discontent that is poisonous to the human experience. It is our misguided expectations that produce this poison. We encounter the same discontent and misguided expectations in many relationships. Many people enter into relationships expecting them to be blissful, to take away their loneliness forever, and to be ever fresh and exciting. These people are, of course, always disappointed.

Relationships are difficult. The reason is that these difficulties provide us opportunities we need to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. Life is difficult for the same reason. Learn to see every circumstance as an opportunity to become your best self, and you will master the art of loving and the joy of being loved.

Sooner or later, your relationship is going to find itself stared in the face by a major obstacle. If you stay together long enough, you may encounter a number of these major obstacles. Don’t give up when they come along. Stay focused on your purpose, revise your plan if necessary, and press on.

Step 10: Get Quality Coaching

Think about getting some coaching. If you have never been to couples counseling, give it a try. You don’t have to go forever. If you don’t have any particular problems that you need to work through, just ask your counselor to teach you some techniques to improve your communication skills. Take your journals with you so you can share with the counselor the journey you are on together.

Get great coaching by listening to audio books and programs while you drive. On the first day of each month for the next twelve months, go to your bookstore and pick out an audio book about relationships. If you’re not thinking about your relationships, they are not improving. The books will teach you to make a habit of thinking about the well-being of your relationships, and your relationships will improve simply by virtue of the mental attention.

At least once a year, go to a retreat, workshop, or seminar about relationships. There is nothing like stepping back from the day-to-day busyness of your life and while considering new and exciting ways to improve and refine your primary relationship.

Most important, start looking for two or three great couples that you and your significant other can spend time with. These couples will serve as friends, guides, mentors, and coaches. You will be able to practice many of the things you learn from them, and in time others will learn them from you and your partner.

Get quality coaching. Great coaches can make all the difference.

A P
LAN
M
AKES
A
LL THE
D
IFFERENCE

W

hat happens to businesses that don’t have a plan? They fail. What happens to football teams that don’t have a plan? They lose. What happens to relationships that don’t have a plan? They begin to stagnate, fail, and die.

In almost every area of human life, a plan can make all the difference; this is particularly true when it comes to relationships. What’s your plan?

I often ask readers to stop reading and write something down; less than 10 percent actually do. The other 90 percent say they either don’t need to, will do it later, or can’t be bothered. The 10 percent who do stop reading and write down their responses have a life-altering experience—not because of anything they read in my book, but because of what they wrote. I hope you will be part of the 10 percent. I hope you will take the time to answer the questions that have been discussed in this chapter and to formulate a plan for the continued growth and development of your primary relationship.

I am not suggesting that you have to plan out every tiny aspect of your future together; that would simply be scheduling. Planning is dreaming and goal setting that allows us to direct our energies toward the passionate fulfillment of a goal worthy of our lives and our relationship.

People who have great relationships don’t have them because of chance or luck, but because they have a plan and they work the plan. It isn’t enough just to work hard at your relationship. Some people work hard their whole life but never get ahead financially. Why? Usually it is not because of lack of talent or opportunity, but because they never had a plan.

Those who fail to plan can plan to fail. Most people are not planning to fail at their relationships, they are simply failing to plan…and as a result, relationships are failing all around us. One of the most powerful ways to show your love and commitment to a person is to make time to dream a vision of the future together. Can you plan all the details of that future? No. But the sheer act of dreaming and planning will consciously and subconsciously cause you to move more and more boldly in the direction of your richly imagined future. Tell the one that you love that you would like to set aside some time soon to dream a little about the future, and I can all but guarantee that you will ignite an enthusiasm within that person. Let us press on with the words of Bonnie Jean Wasmund in mind: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

 

 

 

C
OMPLETELY
L
OVED
?

T

here is a great deal more to intimacy than the miracle of physical love. And while it is easy to become preoccupied with physical intimacy, and with sexual intimacy in particular, our journey through the seven levels of intimacy encourages us to look toward the horizon and expand our vision of intimacy, love, relationship, others, self, and indeed, life.

Intimacy is the most enchanting of adventures, at once both exhilarating and frightening.

This intimacy we have spoken so much of consists simply of closeness to yourself when you are enjoying solitude, and closeness to others when you are enjoying company. It consists of knowing and understanding ourselves and the people we love. When knowing and understanding evade us, intimacy consists simply in accepting ourselves and others for who we are and where we are in the journey, right now, today.

You and I, we are here to love and be loved. The highest expression of genuine self-love is to celebrate in each moment your best self. The greatest expression of love for others is to assist in any way possible their quest to become the-best-version-of-themselves. It is love that captures the imagination of humanity and has intrigued the hearts and minds of men and women since the beginning. As far back as we can reach into history, the most common theme in theater, literature, art, and music has been love. Our fascination with the subject is unrivaled in the human quest for knowledge and experience. In a very real and practical way, we already have everything within us that we need to create love in our lives and in the lives of those who cross our paths. There are a great many things that we do not know as individuals and as humans collectively, but we know how to love.

Let me ask you this: if you wanted to make your significant other feel completely loved, what would you do? Are you doing those things? If not, why not?

The greatest power we possess is our ability to make people feel loved, and yet it is among the least used of human abilities. We know how to love, we know how to put others before ourselves, we know how to bring happiness to the lives of other people, and when we focus on loving people, we have a certain glow; we feel better about ourselves and better about our lives.

Nothing energizes us like love. Love animates the human person. Love breathes life into us like nothing else. This is why love is the supreme good, the summum bonum: love enables and empowers us in the pursuit of our essential purpose more powerfully than anything else.

Love is the best beautician. When someone who is in love walks into the room, you can just tell that he or she is in love. The way he walks, the way she talks, the way he smiles, the sparkle in her eyes, the glow in his face, the way she holds herself—all say, “I am in love.” Everything about a person in love announces, “Something wonderful is happening in my life.” Isn’t it time we feel back in love with life—the mystery, the wonder, the adventure?

Love is the only true currency in our often bankrupt world. In the end, love is all that matters, love is all that you can take with you, and love is all that cannot be taken from you.

What would it take to make your husband or your wife feel completely loved? Seek the answer to this question, and you will find an invitation to experience the depth of intimacy and the heights of all human experience.

I W
ISH
I H
AD
K
NOWN
H
IM
B
ETTER

L

ess than two years ago, my father died after a long-drawn-out battle with the tyrant we call cancer. My father was an extraordinary man. Not that he invented something that changed the course of human history; no, he was extraordinary in the very ordinary things of life. As a husband and a father, as an employee and a friend, as a member of his local community and as a citizen of his nation. The world is richer, and a better place, because he lived.

Every day I think about him. I ponder what he would do if he were faced with decisions and situations I am faced with. There are times when I wish I could meet him for lunch and just talk. Sometimes when I am feeling sorry for myself, I become sad because he will never meet the woman I marry or know my children. They will never know him. There is so much of my life yet to be lived that I will not be able to share with him.

There is a memory that refuses to leave me. With my brothers, I am carrying his coffin from the church after his funeral. One thought etched itself in my mind at that moment. I thought to myself, I wish I had known him better.

There are just so many things that I wish I could talk to him about one more time, and I can see us both sitting in front of the TV…

I had a wonderful father and a wonderful relationship with him. He made it a priority to make memories with me, and I treasure those now that he is gone. But he
is
gone, and I wish I knew more about his childhood, more about his parents, more about how he found his way when he was young. I wish I knew how he felt about things we never thought to discuss. I often wonder whether he held some knowledge that would help me further understand my path and the life I am being called to live.

All of this is just a young man who misses his father. But his dying has taught me one last lesson: take the time to get to know the people you love, deeply, for one day they will no longer be there, and when that day comes we will all wish we had known them better.

D
ON
’
T
J
UST
H
OPE
…

P

eter was an ordinary guy. He liked to watch football, drink beer, and hang out with his friends. From time to time, when he was alone, he would get a little introspective and start to think about where his life was going. It was then that he thought about relationships; more specifically he would wonder whether he would ever have a truly great relationship. He always concluded that he hoped one day he would.

One thing Peter loved to do was people-watch, and if you like people-watching there is perhaps no better place than an airport.

A few years ago, he was standing at the airport in San Francisco waiting for a friend when he had one of those life-changing experiences you sometimes hear people talk about…the kind that sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

Straining to locate a friend among the deplaning passengers, Peter noticed a man walking toward him carrying two small bags. The man stopped right next to Peter to greet his waiting family.

First he motioned to his younger son, who was perhaps five or six years old. Putting down his bags, he took the boy in his arms and gave him a long loving hug, and as they drew apart long enough to look at each other, Peter overheard the father say, “It’s so good to see you, son. I’ve missed you so much.”

The boy smiled shyly, averted his eyes and replied, “Me too, Dad.”

Standing up, the man gazed deep into his elder son’s eyes (the boy was maybe nine or ten years old) and, cupping the boy’s chin with his hand, he said, “You’re already such a fine young man, Nathan, I love you very much.” With that he took the boy in his arms and gave him a long tender hug.

While all this was happening a baby girl was eyeing her father and squirming excitedly in her mother’s arms, never once taking her eyes off the wonderful sight of her returning father. The man turned to the child now and said, “Hi, baby girl!” as he gently took her from her mother’s arms, kissed her face all over, and pulled her to his chest, rocking her from side to side. The little girl instantly laid her head on his shoulder, motionless in pure contentment.

After several long moments he handed his daughter to his elder son, declared, “I’ve saved the best for last,” and proceeded to kiss and embrace his wife. After a long moment, they drew back to look at each other. He stared into her eyes for several seconds and then silently mouthed, “I love you so much.”

As they stood staring into each other’s eyes, holding hands with both hands and covered in smiles, they reminded Peter of newlyweds, though he knew from the ages of their children that they couldn’t possibly be.

All of a sudden, Peter became awkwardly aware of how engrossed he had become in this wonderful display of unconditional love, no more than an arm’s length from him. In that moment he began to feel uncomfortable, as if he had intruded on something sacred. But he was amazed to hear his own voice asking, “How long have you been married?”

“Been together fourteen years, married for twelve,” the stranger replied without breaking his gaze from his lovely wife’s face.

“How long have you been away?” Peter asked.

The stranger turned to him now, smiled, and said, “Two whole days.”

Peter was stunned. He had guessed, from the intensity of their greeting, that the man had been gone weeks, if not months. Two whole days, he thought to himself, and smiled. Now embarrassed, hoping to end his intrusion with some semblance of grace, Peter offhandedly said, “I hope my marriage is that passionate after twelve years!”

Suddenly the man stopped smiling. He looked straight into Peter’s eyes with a forcefulness that burned straight through to his soul, and he said something that left Peter a different man:

“Don’t just hope, friend, decide!”

And with that, the stranger picked up his bags and he and his family strolled off.

Peter was still watching them disappear into the distance when his friend came up to him and said, “Whatcha looking at?”

Peter smiled and, without hesitating, replied, “My future.”

Great relationships don’t come to those who hope for them. Hope is worthless unless coupled with real effort. Great relationships belong to those who decide to put in the effort and make them a priority. Don’t just hope…decide!