The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (23 page)

A very important part of the sixth level is learning about the history of another person. Should we tell him or her everything? Not necessarily, and certainly not when to do so would cause great harm to her or to others. Sometimes it is enough to vaguely describe certain aspects of our past when too much detail would cause pain to those we love. But we should make an honest attempt to share our story, our personal history, the good and the bad with our significant others. Intimacy, to know and be known, is infinitely nourished in this way.

In order to encourage those we love, we must be extremely careful not to judge their past, indeed should be careful not even to appear to judge it. If we make people feel ashamed or guilty about their past, we are not worthy of their intimacy. They are already ashamed of their mistakes, just as you and I are ashamed of ours. They don’t need to be reminded.

When I find myself wandering into a judgmental frame of mind, I always remind myself that if I had had the other person’s experience of life and education (formal and informal) I would very likely have done the very same things, and perhaps a good deal worse. There is no place in intimacy for judgment.

We should remember that whatever a person’s past, our role is to help him or her build a future. In our common quest to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, we should never allow our past to determine our future.

F
ORGIVENESS

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his brings us to one of the most difficult topics for the human psyche and spirit. Learning to forgive those who have wronged us is very, very difficult for most of us. But the ideas that we have just discussed can help to liberate us from the destructive spirit of unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Unforgiveness enslaves the human spirit. Unforgiveness is the thief from our past that robs us of our future.

I have thought long and hard about forgiveness; I am not sure there are any quick tips or easy answers to the unforgiveness we often find in our hearts. But I suspect that the key to forgiving others is the realization that we have all needed forgiveness ourselves.

Forgiveness is a key component of any relationship. As we become more and more aware of our own limitations, we tend to become more and more tolerant of the limitations of other people. As we mature in this way, our self-awareness gives birth to a more spontaneous ability and willingness to forgive others. (Sometimes the real obstacle is not an inability to forgive others but our unwillingness to forgive ourselves.)

The ability to forgive is a sign of spiritual and emotional maturity, and so, too, is the ability to ask for forgiveness from those we love. And while it is important for our own development that we learn to forgive others, it does not necessarily mean that we should continue a relationship with someone who has grievously wronged us.

Sooner or later, forgiveness becomes an issue for us all. That is simply one of the consequences of having six billion wonderful but imperfect human beings inhabiting this extraordinary place we call earth.

I
NTIMACY AND
H
UMOR

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t is said that the closest distance between two people is humor. Humor is a powerful and wonderful aspect of the human personality. Laughter is one of our built-in natural stress relievers. Laughter elevates the human experience by creating the lightheartedness we need to experience and enjoy life at the highest level. But there can also be a dark side to our humor, and in our relationships we need to be especially careful of this dark humor.

Our culture is preoccupied with sexual humor, as it is preoccupied with sex. I have no respect for professional comedians who use sexual innuendo and humor to get laughs. It is the easiest form of humor and usually unveils a shallow talent. Great humor gives us a new perspective on things that have been before us all along; very often, great humor is self-deprecating (though we need to be careful that we are not hiding feelings of insecurity and self-loathing in our humor).

One of the most common forms of humor is sarcasm, which can be tremendously destructive to a relationship. We have to be careful not to use humor to say the things that we need to say in the normal course of conversation. There is always a little bit of truth to humor, and that is what makes it funny. But we need to be careful not to use our humor as a code to speak to the people we love. Sarcasm is very often engaged to say something in a passive-aggressive way, when we lack the courage to face an issue in a more mature and intimate fashion.

It has been my experience that most of us are simply unaware of how often we use sarcasm and how it affects the people around us.

Sarcasm is an easy tool to use. A quick joke can break the ice during an introduction, and in this respect humor is a very powerful tool in the first and second levels of intimacy. But we have to consider the effect that humor can have on the higher levels of intimacy. It can very often be used as a dismissive tool in the third level of intimacy (opinions). Far from encouraging genuine dialogue between two people about their differing opinions, humor—and sarcasm in particular—can be a surfacing technique, returning the conversation to the shallow and safe waters of the first two levels (clichés and facts).

In and of itself, humor is neither good nor bad. As with money, television, sex, and food, what matters is how we use it. In each of the seven levels of intimacy, humor can be engaged to relieve a certain pressure and discomfort in order to further intimacy or can be used to avoid intimacy. Again, the choice is ours.

But we must not overlook the positive side of humor. Humor lifts the human spirit as few other things do, and the healthy role humor plays in relationships is very, very powerful. Being able to laugh at ourselves as individuals and as couples frees us of a self-consciousness that often prevents us from growing and thriving. Humor can be very liberating to us and our relationships, especially at times of great pressure or crisis.

We spoke earlier about how all relationships have unresolvable problems and how learning to live with these often determines whether a relationship will last. Many couples use humor to deal with their unresolvable problems. Their humor is not demeaning or accusatory, but rather is a sign of their acceptance of the other person and their unresolvable problem as a couple.

What is the secret to using humor successfully in relationships? We should use humor to increase intimacy rather than avoid it. In using humor to avoid intimacy we short-circuit a great many conversations that may be difficult, but that are necessary if we are to know and be known.

We live in a culture dominated by fear, critical of faults, and unforgiving of the imperfections that beset all of our pasts; this adds an extra challenge to our efforts to experience intimacy, and, at the same time, makes our need for genuine intimacy ever more apparent. The sixth level of intimacy is a difficult aspect of relationship to explore, but the liberation of having nothing to hide makes the discomfort and pain truly worth it. To be known, we must take off our pretenses one layer at a time and reveal the person we truly are.

The sixth level of intimacy, in which we expose our faults, fears, and failures, reveals a great deal not only about the person we are but also about what caused us to become this person. It also gives the people we love significant insight into what we need, and why. It is this understanding of each other’s needs that leads us to the pinnacle of dynamic relationships, which we will now discover in the seventh level of intimacy.

 

 

 

D
YNAMIC
C
OLLABORATION

T

he seventh level of intimacy is where our quest to know and be known by each other turns into a truly dynamic collaboration. This final level of intimacy is the level of legitimate needs. We all have legitimate needs. If you don’t eat, you will die. If you don’t breathe, you will die. As we discussed earlier, these legitimate needs are most easily understood in relation to the physical realm, but we have legitimate needs in each of the four aspects of life, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.

Knowing each other’s legitimate needs is a very important part of our quest to know each other in relationship. As an individual, you thrive when your legitimate needs are being met. The same is true for your significant other, your children, parents, friends, and colleagues. Having what we
want
doesn’t necessarily cause us to thrive; having what we
need
causes us to thrive.

The seventh level of intimacy is not only about knowing each other’s legitimate needs but also about helping each other to fulfill them.

If you have a great relationship, will your legitimate needs
always
be met? No. Sometimes things just happen, and our legitimate needs are the casualties. But this should be the exception, not the norm. When our legitimate needs chronically go unmet, we become irritable, restless, discontented, and frustrated. An individual and a relationship can endure these stressful emotions for only so long.

The seventh level of intimacy is about collaborating in the most dynamic way to know and tend to each other’s legitimate needs. It is about creating a lifestyle with the person we love that is focused on the fulfillment of legitimate needs, driven by the understanding that the fulfillment of legitimate needs causes the human person to thrive…and causes our relationships to thrive.

Here, at the pinnacle of our quest for intimacy, we are able to share our needs with those closest to us. It is awe-inspiring to see a couple, or a family, working together to identify and fulfill each other’s legitimate needs.

When you see such a relationship, you just know it enjoys a powerful intimacy. Through the acceptance of each other’s different and sometimes opposing opinions (the third level), the revelation of our hopes and dreams (the fourth level), the honoring of each other’s unique feelings (the fifth level), and the awareness of each other’s faults, fears, and failures (the sixth level), we have learned a variety of ways to revere and celebrate the individuality of our partner. Now, in the seventh level, through the discovery of each other’s legitimate needs, we can begin to build a lifestyle that helps each of us become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

Do you know what your legitimate needs are?

Do you know what your significant other’s legitimate needs are?

T
HE
F
OUR
A
SPECTS

“
C

ould a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” was a question Thoreau once posed. This is precisely the miracle that the seventh level of intimacy concerns itself with. We look through each other’s eyes, feel through each other’s heart, enter each other’s mind, and visit one another’s soul. Even this is only the first stage of a greater miracle; the answer to Thoreau’s question is yes. For once we have allowed ourselves to experience a little of life from the other person’s point of view, we are in a position to know her needs and help her fulfill those needs. This is the fulfillment of the miracle that is the seventh level of intimacy: knowing and responding in a dynamic way to each other’s needs.

We have already touched on the nature of our legitimate needs as individuals in each of the four aspects of the human person: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. At the beginning of part two, we discussed the idea of legitimate need in its most basic form, in relation to our physical needs. If you don’t breathe, you will die: this is not difficult for us to understand, because the cause and the effect are clear. But when it comes to our legitimate needs in the other three aspects (emotionally, intellectual, and spiritual), cause and effect are not as clear, because these needs are much subtler than our physical needs.

Among your legitimate emotional needs is your need for opportunities to love and be loved. If you don’t have such opportunities, you will not die as a direct result. The effects of denying our legitimate emotional needs are very subtle, but no less real. You also have a legitimate need to express your opinions, to be listened to and taken seriously, to share your feelings, and to be accepted for the person you are; you have a legitimate need for intimacy. If these legitimate emotional needs are not met, we do not die, but over time the effects are real and devastating.

Your legitimate intellectual needs are even subtler and often much more individualized. But, in general, people have a legitimate need for a variety of forms of intellectual stimulation that engage and challenge them.

Our spiritual needs are the subtlest of all. You can go for years neglecting your spiritual needs, and remain oblivious to the results of this neglect. The effect is real whether we are aware of it or not. Our most basic spiritual needs are for silence and solitude. Even people in highly functioning intimate relationships need solitude. And very often we need silence and solitude to uncover our legitimate needs in each of the four areas. More likely than not, you will not discover your deeper needs in the midst of your busy, noisy life; real reflection is required. Silence and solitude are the perfect conditions for such reflection.

In relationships, we soon realize that our legitimate needs, except for the most basic, are different from those of the people we love. For example, when faced with an important decision, a man may need time to be alone to ponder the situation, while a woman may need time with her friends to talk through it. Both needs are legitimate.

The important thing to remember about our legitimate needs in each of the four areas is that the more our lives are centered upon them the more we will thrive, and the more our relationships are centered upon them the more our relationships will thrive.

Are you thriving? Or are you just surviving? If you feel as if you are going through the motions, just getting by, then there’s a good chance that a number of your legitimate needs are not being met. If you feel that your primary relationship is just surviving rather than thriving, then there is a good chance that it is not focused enough on the mutual fulfillment of legitimate needs.

If the fulfillment of our legitimate needs is so important to our happiness as individuals, and so important to our happiness as couples, why don’t we focus more on it? The answer is that we get distracted, though perhaps “seduced” is a better word. Seduced by what? By our illegitimate wants. The reason is that at times our legitimate needs can seem a little drab and monotonous, while our wants can seem much more exciting and alluring.

L
EGITIMATE
N
EEDS
V
ERSUS
I
LLEGITIMATE
W
ANTS

M

odern popular culture sends the message, “Go out and get what you want from life!” This message is pressed upon us subtly and not so subtly every day of our lives, and we are encouraged to apply it to relationships along with everything else. As a result, millions of relationships are doomed even from the first moment.

The get-what-you-want philosophy cannot give birth to any form of significant or satisfying relationship for two people. It can only give birth to the selfish fulfillment of one person’s desires at the expense of the other person’s real and legitimate needs.

The reason is that all genuine relationships are based on giving and receiving. The very idea of an authentic relationship presupposes that you would never take pleasure or selfish fulfillment at the other person’s expense. But in a culture that celebrates and applauds ruthless selfishness, such selfishness is becoming the modus operandi of more and more people in their quest to find a relationship. Needless to say, their quest is fatally flawed.

Am I saying that we should not seek personal fulfillment in relationships? No, absolutely not. I am saying that we should not seek personal fulfillment at another person’s expense. And, to make a further distinction, we should be very sure not to confuse personal fulfillment with the mere satisfaction of momentary pleasures.

What is required for a relationship to develop, grow, blossom, and thrive for any significant period of time?

The answer is that we must shift our focus from the pursuit of illegitimate wants to the pursuit of legitimate needs. We have to make this shift as individuals and in our relationships as well.

Very few people today focus their lives on their legitimate needs. Most people are focused on the pursuit of their illegitimate wants. They tell themselves that when they get enough of their wants, they will be happy, fulfilled, satisfied. The reality is you simply never can get enough of what you don’t really need. But we chase our illegitimate wants with reckless abandon nonetheless.

We then bring this diseased mind-set to our relationships, which we approach as if getting what we want is the goal. Now the mind games begin, and the tug-of-war between our wants and the wants of our significant other. Once this game begins it is very, very difficult to stop. We use emotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, and any number of other psychological devices to get our way. We set out to win, and we have set the game up so that winning means getting our way. It is every man and woman for themselves. It is a war between conflicting egos. The individual egos never have a chance to form a common collective ego, and so any attempt at intimacy is guaranteed to fail.

Relationships are not about getting what you want, as we have already discussed at considerable length. Relationships are about helping each other to become the-best-version-of-ourselves. Wants play a very small role. Needs, on the other hand, are of paramount importance.

Sooner or later, we all come to a fork in the road of our lives as individuals: we have to decide whether we will base our lives on the pursuit of our legitimate needs or on the pursuit of our wants. As couples we have to make the same decision about our relationships.

If we choose our wants, then we are signing the death certificate of our relationship. It may last another year or two, it may even last another ten years. But it cannot thrive with the pursuit of individual wants as its focus. The goal of such a relationship is set against the very nature of relationship.

If, on the other hand, you are willing to set your individual desires aside and give first priority to your legitimate needs and the legitimate needs of the one you love, then you find yourself at the beginning of what could become a dynamic collaboration.

Turn your attention away from your wants and desires (which are usually selfish and driven by ego) toward your legitimate needs, and your life will change forever. Redirect the focus of your relationship away from your individual wants and desires and toward the legitimate needs of your partner and yourself, and your relationship will change forever.

You may have noticed that up until this point I have made very little direct mention of love, though I have, of course, been speaking about it indirectly at every turn. At this point, I would like to pose a question for us to consider.

What is love?

How do you know when you love someone?

How do you know when another person loves you?

Love is the wanting, and the having, and the choosing, and the becoming. Love is a desire to see the person we love be and become all he or she is capable of being and becoming. Love is a willingness to lay down our own personal plans, desires, and agenda for the good of the relationship. Love is delayed gratification, pleasure, and pain. Love is being able to live and thrive apart, but choosing to be together.

You know you love somebody when you are willing to subordinate your personal plans, desires, and agenda to the good of the relationship.

You know another person loves you when he or she is willing to subordinate his or her personal plans, desires, and agenda to the good of the relationship.

At times, you must be willing to give up your wants so that his or her needs can be fulfilled. Sometimes you may even be required to forgo your own real and legitimate needs, so that his or her needs can be met. Are you willing?

Are you willing to suffer for love? How much are you willing to suffer in order to have a truly amazing relationship? Are you prepared to let go of all your whims, cravings, and fancies, in order to pursue something more mundane, something simpler?

Most people are not, and that’s okay. But you cannot expect to drink the emotionally thirst-quenching waters of real intimacy if you are unwilling to make the arduous journey into the mountains where those waters spring forth. If you are not willing to pay the price, then you must stay in the emotional cities and drink your bottled water. The springs of intimacy are not for emotional tourists; they are for those committed to knowing and being known.

Intimacy is a mountaintop experience. Its pinnacle is the dynamic collaboration between two people to see to it that each other’s legitimate needs are fulfilled. This requires constant attention. You cannot put such a relationship on autopilot. We must constantly be honing our ability to recognize the needs of those we love, even when they are unable to articulate those needs.

L
EARNING THE
L
ANGUAGE OF
N
EEDS