The Skeptics Annotated Bible (108 page)

21
Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet
, to leap withal upon the earth;

(11.21)
“Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet.”
(He’s got feet down below his knees.)
123 Which flying creeping things may we eat?

22 Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind.

23 But
all other flying creeping things, which have four feet
, shall be an abomination unto you.

(11.23)
Four-legged insects! “All other flying creeping things, which have four feet.”
Be sure to watch out for those “other flying creeping things which have four feet.” (I wish God wouldn’t get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You’d think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have!

24 And for these ye shall be unclean: whosoever toucheth the carcase of them shall be unclean until the even.

25 And whosoever beareth ought of the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.

26 The carcases of every beast which divideth the hoof, and is not clovenfooted, nor cheweth the cud, are unclean unto you: every one that toucheth them shall be unclean.

27 And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on all four, those are unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcase shall be unclean until the even.

28 And he that beareth the carcase of them shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: they are unclean unto you.

29 These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,

30 And the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizard, and the snail, and the mole.

31
These are unclean to you among all that creep: whosoever doth touch them, when they be dead, shall be unclean until the even.

(11.31)
“These are unclean to you among all that creep: whosoever doth touch them, when they be dead, shall be unclean until the even.”
Don’t touch any dead creeping things. (Crap! There goes my insect collection.)

32 And upon whatsoever any of them, when they are dead, doth fall, it shall be unclean; whether it be any vessel of wood, or raiment, or skin, or sack, whatsoever vessel it be, wherein any work is done, it must be put into water, and it shall be unclean until the even; so it shall be cleansed.

33 And every earthen vessel, whereinto any of them falleth, whatsoever is in it shall be unclean; and ye shall break it.

34 Of all meat which may be eaten, that on which such water cometh shall be unclean: and all drink that may be drunk in every such vessel shall be unclean.

35 And every thing whereupon any part of their carcase falleth shall be unclean; whether it be oven, or ranges for pots, they shall be broken down: for they are unclean, and shall be unclean unto you.

36 Nevertheless a fountain or pit, wherein there is plenty of water, shall be clean: but that which toucheth their carcase shall be unclean.

37 And if any part of their carcase fall upon any sowing seed which is to be sown, it shall be clean.

38 But if any water be put upon the seed, and any part of their carcase fall thereon, it shall be unclean unto you.

39 And if any beast, of which ye may eat, die; he that toucheth the carcase thereof shall be unclean until the even.

40 And he that eateth of the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even: he also that beareth the carcase of it shall wash his clothes, and be unclean until the even.

(11.41-44) More unholy, abominable animals.

41 And
every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination;
it shall not be eaten.

(11.41)
“Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination.”

42
Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet
among all creeping things that creep upon the earth, them ye shall not eat; for they
are an abomination.

(11.42)
“Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet … are an abomination.”

43
Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth
, neither shall ye make yourselves unclean with them, that ye should be defiled thereby.

(11.43)
“Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth.”

44 For I am the LORD your God: ye shall therefore sanctify yourselves, and
ye shall be holy; for I am holy: neither shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

(11.44)
“Ye shall be holy; for I am holy: neither shall ye defile yourselves with any manner of creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.”

45 For I am the LORD that bringeth you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your God:
ye shall therefore be holy, for I am holy.

(11.45)
“Ye shall therfore be holy; for I am holy.”
113 Is only God holy?

46 This is the law of the beasts, and of the fowl, and of every living creature that moveth in the waters, and of every creature that creepeth upon the earth:

47 To make a difference between the unclean and the clean, and between the beast that may be eaten and the beast that may not be eaten.

(12.1-8) Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification. (And baby girls make mothers twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.)