The Skeptics Annotated Bible (307 page)

16 And when the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. And the angel of the LORD was by the threshingplace of Araunah the Jebusite.

(24.16)
“When the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, The LORD repented him of the evil.
” Finally, when the angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, “the Lord repented.”
32 Does God repent?

17 And
David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done?
let thine hand, I pray thee, be against me, and against my father’s house.

(24.17)
“David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done?”
Even David can see the injustice of God’s punishment (killing hundreds of thousands of people because David took a census). He pleads with God saying, “I have sinned … but these sheep, what have they done?” But God ignores the question.

18 And Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite.

19 And David, according to the saying of Gad, went up as the LORD commanded.

20 And Araunah looked, and saw the king and his servants coming on toward him: and Araunah went out, and bowed himself before the king on his face upon the ground.

21 And Araunah said, Wherefore is my lord the king come to his servant? And David said, To buy the threshingfloor of thee, to build an altar unto the LORD, that the plague may be stayed from the people.

22 And Araunah said unto David, Let my lord the king take and offer up what seemeth good unto him: behold, here be oxen for burnt sacrifice, and threshing instruments and other instruments of the oxen for wood.

23 All these things did Araunah, as a king, give unto the king. And Araunah said unto the king, The LORD thy God accept thee.

24 And the king said unto Araunah, Nay; but I will surely buy it of thee at a price: neither will I offer burnt offerings unto the LORD my God of that which doth cost me nothing. So
David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.

(24.24)
“David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.”
216 For how much did David buy the threshing floor?

25 And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel.

He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall … according to the word of the LORD.
—
1 Kings 16.11-12

God, I love the way First Kings starts!

Old king David could get no heat (and David was used to getting a lot of heat), so they searched through the kingdom for a young virgin that could do the trick for him. They found one, too, (Abishag) and “the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.” Shucks!
1.1-4

It gets boring toward the middle with the construction of the temple, but it picks up toward the end. See chapter 20 for five of God’s killings, more than any other chapter in the Bible.

Here are the highlights:

• Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him.
  1.1-4
  
• In David’s last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei.
  2.1-9
  
• Solomon kills his brother.
  2.13-25
  
• He carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab and Shimei murdered.
  2.29-34
  ,
  44-46
  
• He killed and sacrificed 1000 animals to God at Gibeon.
  3.4
  
• He killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep when dedicating the temple to his bloodthirsty God.
  8.63
  
• He had 700 wives and 300 concubines.
  11.3
  
• God withers, and then restores, the hand of King Jeroboam.
  13.4-6
  
• So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To punish the second for believing the first’s lie, God sent a lion to kill him.
  13.11-24
  
• To punish Jeroboam, God killed his son.
  14.17
  
• Baasha kills Jeroboam’s entire family, leaving none “to breath.” This slaughter was done “according to the saying of the Lord.”
  15.29
  
• Zimri kills all of Baasha’s family and friends “that pisseth against a wall… according to the word of the Lord.”
  16.11-12
  
• Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal after beating them in a prayer contest.
  18.22-40
  
• God kills 100,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills.
  20.28-29
  
• He killed 27,000 men with a falling wall.
  20.30
  
• A son of a prophet said to his neighbor, “Smite me.” But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him.
  20.35-36
  
• If you grovel before God, then he won’t punish you; He’ll punish your children instead.
  21.29
  
• God puts a lying spirit into the mouth of prophets.
  22.22-23
  
• He killed Ahab for showing mercy to king Benhadad.
  22.35
  

(1.1-4) Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him.

1
Now
king David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

(1.1)
“King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.”

2 Wherefore his servants said unto him,
Let there be sought for my lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.

(1.2)
“Let there be sought for my Lord the king a young virgin: and let her stand before the king, and let her cherish him, and let her lie in thy bosom, that my lord the king may get heat.”

3
So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag
a Shunammite,
and brought her to the king.

(1.3)
“So they sought for a fair damsel throughout all the coasts of Israel, and found Abishag … and brought her to the king.”

4
And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.

(1.4)
“And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not.”

5 Then Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, I will be king: and he prepared him chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him.

6 And his father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so? and he also was a very goodly man; and his mother bare him after Absalom.

7 And he conferred with Joab the son of Zeruiah, and with Abiathar the priest: and they following Adonijah helped him.

8 But Zadok the priest, and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, and Nathan the prophet, and Shimei, and Rei, and the mighty men which belonged to David, were not with Adonijah.