The Skeptics Annotated Bible (683 page)

11 I gave thee a king in mine anger, and took him away in my wrath.

12 The iniquity of Ephraim is bound up; his sin is hid.

13 The sorrows of a travailing woman shall come upon him: he is an unwise son; for he should not stay long in the place of the breaking forth of children.

14 I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death: O death,
I will be thy plagues
; O grave,
I will be thy destruction: repentance shall be hid from mine eyes.

15 Though he be fruitful among his brethren, an east wind shall come, the wind of the LORD shall come up from the wilderness, and his spring shall become dry, and his fountain shall be dried up: he shall spoil the treasure of all pleasant vessels.

16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword:
their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.

(13.16)
“Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.”
Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash their infants to pieces and their “women with child shall be ripped up.”

14
O Israel, return unto the LORD thy God; for thou hast fallen by thine iniquity.

2 Take with you words, and turn to the LORD: say unto him, Take away all iniquity, and receive us graciously: so will we render the calves of our lips.

3 Asshur shall not save us; we will not ride upon horses: neither will we say any more to the work of our hands, Ye are our gods: for in thee the fatherless findeth mercy.

4 I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely: for mine anger is turned away from him.

5 I will be as the dew unto Israel: he shall grow as the lily, and cast forth his roots as Lebanon.

6 His branches shall spread, and his beauty shall be as the olive tree, and his smell as Lebanon.

7 They that dwell under his shadow shall return; they shall revive as the corn, and grow as the vine: the scent thereof shall be as the wine of Lebanon.

8 Ephraim shall say, What have I to do any more with idols? I have heard him, and observed him: I am like a green fir tree. From me is thy fruit found.

9 Who is wise, and he shall understand these things? prudent, and he shall know them? for the ways of the LORD are right, and
the just shall walk in them
: but the transgressors shall fall therein.

(14.9)
“The just shall walk in them.”
33 Has the ever been a just person?

I will sell your sons and your daughters … for the LORD hath spoken it.
—
Joel 3.8

There’s not much to report from Joel. God will burn forests and dry up rivers, send locusts and caterpillars to eat crops, darken the sun, turn the moon to blood, and sell sons and daughters into slavery. But if you’ve read the earlier books in the Old Testament, you’re used to all that by now. The only thing new is that it will all happen soon. Really soon. (It was supposed to have happened soon after Joel was written, so it’s a bit overdue.)

Here are some highlights:

• “Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth.” 1.5
  
• “The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand.”
  1.15
  ,
  2.1
  ,
  3.14
  
• The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments them by burning their food and drying up the rivers.
  1.18-20
  
• On “the day of the Lord”, everything and everyone will be burned to death.
  2.3
  
• People will try to commit suicide but will not be able to.
  2.8
  
• There will be earthquakes, the sun and the moon will be dark, and the stars will no longer shine.
  2.10
  
• God will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused—which he sent! And they will “praise the name of the Lord.”
  2.25-26
  
• He will show off all his magic tricks. Blood, fire, smoke, eclipses.
  2.30-31
  
• “I will sell your sons and your daughters … for the Lord hath spoken it.”
  3.8
  
• “Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears.”
  3.10
  

1
The word of the LORD that came to Joel the son of Pethuel.

2 Hear this, ye old men, and give ear, all ye inhabitants of the land. Hath this been in your days, or even in the days of your fathers?

3 Tell ye your children of it, and let your children tell their children, and their children another generation.

4 That which the palmerworm hath left hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpiller eaten.

5
Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth.

(1.5)
“Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth.”

6 For a nation is come up upon my land, strong, and without number, whose teeth are the teeth of a lion, and he hath the cheek teeth of a great lion.

7 He hath laid my vine waste, and barked my fig tree: he hath made it clean bare, and cast it away; the branches thereof are made white.

8
Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth.

(1.8) “Lament like a virgin girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth.”

9 The meat offering and the drink offering is cut off from the house of the LORD; the priests, the LORD’S ministers, mourn.

10 The field is wasted, the land mourneth; for the corn is wasted: the new wine is dried up, the oil languisheth.

11 Be ye ashamed, O ye husbandmen; howl, O ye vinedressers, for the wheat and for the barley; because the harvest of the field is perished.

12 The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.

13 Gird yourselves, and lament, ye priests: howl, ye ministers of the altar: come, lie all night in sackcloth, ye ministers of my God: for the meat offering and the drink offering is withholden from the house of your God.