The Skeptics Annotated Bible (765 page)

46 Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing.

47 Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods.

48 But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming;

49 And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken;

50 The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of,

51 And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

(24.48-51) “That evil servant … The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him … And shall cut him asunder, and … there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” God will come when people least expect him. Then he'll “cut [them] asunder.” And “there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

(25.1-13)
The parable of the five well-oiled virgins
The kingdom of heaven is like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't. When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night. He shunned the other five, saying “Get lost, ladies. I don't even know you.” The moral to the story is this: watch out and keep your oil handy. You never know when Jesus will come.
16 Is polygamy OK?

25
Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

(25.1) “Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.”

2 And five of them were wise, and five were foolish.

(25.2) “Five of them were wise, and five were foolish.”

3 They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them:

(25.3) “They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them.”

4 But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps.

(25.4) “But the wise took oil in their vessels.”

5 While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

6 And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.

(25.6) “At midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him.”

7 Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps.

8 And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out.

9 But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves.

10 And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

(25.10) “The bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.”

11 Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.

(25.11) “Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us.”

12 But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not.

(25.12) “He answered … I know you not.”

13 Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.

(25.13) “Ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”

(25.14-30)
The parable of the cruel and unjust master
The kingdom of heaven is like a rich man who distributed his wealth to his servants while he traveled. He gave five talents to one servant, two to another, and one to a third. When he returned, the servant with five talents had made five more, the servant with two made two more, but the servant with one talent only had the talent his master entrusted to him. The master rewarded the servants that invested his money (without his permission—what would have happened if the stock market went down during their master's travels?) and took the talent from the single-talent servant and gave it to the one with ten talents. “For unto every one that hath shall be given … but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.” Then the cruel and unjust master cast the servant who carefully protected his master's talent into the “outer darkness: [where] there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

14 For the kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling into a far country, who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods.

(25.14) “The kingdom of heaven is as a man travelling … who called his own servants, and delivered unto them his goods.”

15 And unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one; to every man according to his several ability; and straightway took his journey.

(25.15) “Unto one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one.”

16 Then he that had received the five talents went and traded with the same, and made them other five talents.

17 And likewise he that had received two, he also gained other two.

18 But he that had received one went and digged in the earth, and hid his lord’s money.

(25.16-18) “He that had received the five talents … made … five talents. He that had received two … gained … two. But he that had received one … hid his lord's money.”

19 After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.

(25.19) “After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.”

20 And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more.

21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

(25.20-21) “He that had received five talents … [said] I have gained … five talents more. His lord said … Well done … enter thou into the joy of thy lord.”

22 He also that had received two talents came and said, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me two talents: behold, I have gained two other talents beside them.

23 His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

(25.22-23) “He … that had received two talents … said … I have gained two other talents … His lord said unto him, Well done … enter thou into the joy of thy lord.”

24 Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed:

25 And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine.

(25.24-25) “Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord … there thou hast that is thine.”

26 His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed:

27 Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury.

28 Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.

(25.26-28) “His lord … said … Thou wicked and slothful servant … Take … the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten.”