The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (16 page)

As José sipped away on his sweet tea he turned to look at the tavern door. “Oh, it's them again,” he mumbled as the dirty Americans made their way into the bar. He didn't really like the Americans. Oh, they kept the neighbor's yard well landscaped and they were able painters, but they stilled annoyed José. They were probably here in the great territory of Texas illegally, he thought. José's government had encouraged some of these Americans to come in and make themselves at home, but this was getting out of control.

Such was the scene in the 1830s in the Mexican-owned territory of Texas. Mexico had secured the territory in a fistfight-with-guns military squabble with Spain in 1821. As part of the “we are now going to get along” peace treaty, they acquired the territories of California, New Mexico, and Texas. Following the conflict with Spain, the Mexican government was poor. Being unable to rub a couple of pesos together for good luck, the government of Mexico encouraged American settlers to inhabit the area of Texas in hopes the Americans would bring their God-given guns with them to help protect the newly acquired land.

Without real border control or a Republican-inspired fence to keep them out, many more Americans settled in Texas than the Mexicans anticipated or wanted. The higher concentration of Americans, the natives' displeasure with the financial state of the Mexican government, and the lack of suitable drinking water caused the Texans to revolt in 1836, striving to gain their independence from the troubled poncho-appreciating nation of Mexico. When the revolution was crushed, the revolutionaries made overtures to the United States to annex their territory.

As José rode his burro through town, he saw more Americans. Why did they have to come here? Of course sales of energy drinks and taquitos were way up, and if you needed a truckload of them, they were always available as day laborers, but the Americans were lazy and never showed up for work before 10:00 A.M.

Leading up to the Mexican war, the pacifist nation of the United States attempted to kindly purchase a large portion of Mexico's territory. But, despite their financial hardship, the Mexican government was confrontationally refusing to sell, obligating the United States to take it forcefully for the betterment of God's favored Americans. The conflict lasted from 1846 until 1848, with the United States emerging victorious.

War correspondents from Reuters were embarrassed by what they felt was a naked land grab by a stronger nation. The United States easily added the land that became the states of California, Nevada, and Utah. Not quite satisfied, they went back to the all-you-can-take land buffet and got seconds in the form of parts of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Wyoming. In an effort to show that the United States was fair and just, they wired $18 million dollars to the struggling Mexican government, which was about half what they had originally offered before they were forced into war by the unappreciative Mexicans.

As José arrived home, he passed yet another American restaurant that had sprung up in the area. Burritos and refried beans, yee-haw! All of their food tasted the same, and it was funny how they seemed to all have the same menu items numbered exactly the same way. No matter where you went, a number four was always two tacos (one chicken, one beef) with a side of rice and beans. José just hoped the government was going to do something to shore up the borders, as these Americans were taking over.

The California gold rush was a period of time where anyone with a little determination and luck could achieve the American Dream. Today, with the Chinese and the European Union running our economy, the American Dream consists of waking up naked in a bed with Paris and Britney.

It was in 1848 that James Marshall discovered the precious metal in Co-loma, California, that resulted in lottery-like riches for so many dreamers.
AS RUMORS OF THE DISCOVERY SPREAD LIKE NEWS OF ANOTHER PALIN FAMILY TEEN PREGNANCY, MANY REMAINED SKEPTICAL.
That is, until President James K. Polk confirmed the rumors on Hannity's America in December 1848, setting off a traffic jam on dirt roads headed west. As word spread of the many fortunes being made, people from all over the world flocked to California hoping to strike it rich. The pull of the gold rush was so strong it attracted fortune seekers from Europe, South America, Asia, and even Australia. The land wasn't owned by any particular person or government at the time, so any gold you found was yours to keep. The first wave of dreamers were called “'49ers” for the year they headed west. This massive quest for bling brought Hannah Montana — size crowds, as approximately 300,000 were reported to make the journey to the west coast.

San Francisco was a virtually unknown town when all of this began. In the first two years alone, its population grew from around 1,000 souls to an estimated 25,000 heartless gold diggers. For some, the attraction was gold, for others it was the city's tolerance for man-on-man action. Smart entrepreneurs opened up businesses around the boom. Mining-supply stores, saloons, hotels, restaurants, whorehouses, and gambling halls all showed up, as every vice was equally represented.

This massive influx of people led to the creation of here-today-gone-tomorrow mining towns. With all of the settlements and mining came disputes and the eventual creation of a set of rules to govern the area now known as California. In 1850, with all of its growth, California was admitted as the thirty-first state. Free from the class structure that was in place on the east coast, these trailblazers acted like Panama City spring breakers on steroids. Along with this freedom, wealth, and underdeveloped government came opportunity.

As the rush continued, the gold began to disappear. As the gold dried up, miners continued to dream, working longer hours, filthy and unshowered for weeks at a time, taking on a resemblance to Jack Black. With the gold slowly disappearing from the area, hopeful miners turned to gambling, and if desperate enough, crime to help get by. It became harder and harder to find the golden shower they so desperately wanted. But the few who did hit the mother lode even into the 1850s kept the hopefuls arriving. This environment of a very few well-publicized lucky winners among a sea of losers became the basic business model for modern-day Las Vegas.
THIS HOLDS TRUE FOR ALL VEGAS CASINOS EXCEPT FOR CAESARS' PALACE, WHERE, WHEN THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS ARRIVE, EVERYONE WINS.

Up until this time in American history, the American Dream was of hard work, slow and steady results, building savings, and growing your wealth to join the growing upper-middle class. The gold rush of the 1850s changed all of that. Historian H. W. Brands noted, “The new dream was the dream of instant wealth, won in a twinkling by audacity and good luck. [This] golden dream … became a prominent part of the American psyche only after [Sutter's Mill].” Other than the holy grail of a Paris-Britney threesome, today, the American Dream for many has been reduced to hitting the jackpot on a scratch-off lottery ticket while chugging malt liquor in the gas station parking lot.