The Stillness Of You (21 page)

“
Georgia, I
can’t do it.”

Hot tears
pricked my eyes and this time I wasn’t able to hide the sob that
fell from between my lips.

“
Mommy, you promised I could go for the weekend. You
promised.”

Why did she always do this? Why couldn’t she be like
Blair’s mom? Why did she spend every single day in bed? In the
dark? Crying? Or saying crazy things?

Why couldn’t
she be normal?

She rolled over and tried to sit up and for a moment my
tears dried up. My heart pounded in anticipation and for five whole
seconds I was happy. She would come downstairs. She would talk to
Blair’s mom so that Mrs. Taylor knew I had permission to go with
them.

Everything
would be okay. I would have fun with Blair and if I was really
lucky, I would be able to forget for a while.

“
Please
don’t leave me,” she whispered hoarsely.

Her bony hands
beckoned toward me and I backed away, shaking my head and trying
not to cry.

“
Mommy,” I whispered sadly.

“
Georgia, I need you. I need you to stay with
me.”

She moved across the covers, her nightgown riding up her
thighs, her sunken eyes glistening with something feverish. She was
shaking and reached for her cigarettes on the table beside her bed.
She lit one, inhaled a long, deep breath, and wiped her nose on her
arm.

She was gross
and smelly and she looked awful and…

She was my
mother.

“
Georgie, please? We’ll watch movies and eat junk food. I
just…I don’t want to be alone.”

I didn’t want to be here. But how could I leave her like
this? Alone? Matt was with his friends and Daddy wasn’t home
either.

“
Okay
,”
I said finally, trying not
to cry
… “
I’ll stay
.”

Ben’s hand on
my shoulder had me nearly jumping out of my skin.

“
Shit,
Georgia. I didn’t mean to scare you.” His eyes were warm and happy
and for a second I felt their heat roll over me. And yet I still
shivered from cold.

“I’m fine.”

His eyebrow
shot up and he cocked his head to the side.

“Really. I was
just daydreaming I guess.”

He bent low and
kissed me, there beneath my ear, and I shuddered into him,
clutching his shoulders and wanting more—needing more—than he could
give with his parents looking at us.

“Steaks are
ready,” he murmured.

His hand
slipped down my shoulder until he threaded my fingers through his
and drew me up against him. He didn’t care that his mom was staring
at us from across the deck. He kissed me and I drank in his warmth
and his goodness and his strength.

Slowly he
pulled away and cupped my chin. “Are you alright? I didn’t mean to
abandon you over here, I just…my parents are pretty damn hard to
resist and they’re really excited about my new place.”

“You’re lucky,”
I said without thinking.

“
Yes.” He
dropped a kiss onto my forehead. “I am. I have you.”

For a
second I didn’t let go and I felt my eyes fill up. “Thanks,” I
whispered.

We had
steaks and baked potatoes with some leftover Chinese food from the
day before. It was thrown together hastily with paper plates, paper
towels for napkins and plastic utensils. Ben hadn’t gotten around
to buying the basics since he’d moved in and we’d pretty much
survived on take out. And sex.

I’m sure
the food tasted great, but I could barely get anything down. Ben’s
mom had been studying me between smiles and polite talk for about
twenty minutes and I wished she would just turn the other way.
Something was coming, I could feel it.

“So, Georgia,”
Eve Lancaster said casually.

Here we go
.

My cheeks ached
from the fake smile I plastered to my face and I set down my fork,
reaching for my glass of water.

“That’s a
beautiful name.”

“Thank
you.”

Ben’s dad
smiled. “Is it a family name? Are you from the south?”

I shook my
head. “No. I think my mom just liked it.”

“So, you and
Ben met because your brother is one of his,” Eve glanced toward Ben
and I saw the concern in her eyes. “He’s one of his coaches?”

I nodded,
twirling my paper towel napkin nervously.

“Huh,” she
said.

“
Mom,
come on. I told you not to worry about it. Matt’s cool with it.”
Ben finished his beer and leaned back in his chair. “What is this,
the third degree?”

“
It’s
okay, Ben,” I said. “Your mom is just curious.” I played nice but I
wished the woman would move on.

“See?” Eve
winked at her son but when she turned her eyes back to me she was
all business.

No such
chance.

She took
a sip of wine. “Did you grow up around here?”

“Cherry
Hill.”

“
Ah,”
Jason said. “I’ve got a client who lives there. Martin Brewer. Do
you know him?”

“Jesus Dad,”
Ben said exasperated. “There are thousands of people in Cherry
Hill.”

I laughed
at the look on his father’s face. “No, Jason. I don’t know Martin
Brewer.”

“Are you in
college?” Eve asked.

I
shifted, my stomach tight and I tried to keep my voice light. “I
was but I’m taking a break for a bit.”

I shot a glance
at Ben who looked absolutely mortified.

“
What are
you studying?” God, the woman didn’t miss a beat.

“Art
history.”

“Ah,” she said
with a smile. “That sounds interesting.”

“It is,” I
stumbled over my words. “I mean it was.”

“
I see.
Ben tells me that you live with your brother?” She was watching me
closely on this one and I knew she was wondering if Ben and I were
living in sin.

“
I do. In
Philly.”

“And your
parents?”

And here we
were.

I
exhaled, my body cold and then hot. I took a sip of water and
pushed my plate away. There was no way I could force another bite
down. There was also no way I could avoid answering. Not
anymore.

Ben studied me
as carefully as his parents and I knew he was interested in my
answer. We’d been together for weeks now and I hadn’t mentioned my
parents once.

“They’re
dead.”

I saw the
shock on Eve’s face—I saw it mirrored on her husband’s face too—and
I had to look away because my eyes were filling up with tears and I
didn’t want to fall apart in front of them. Shit.

“I’m so sorry,”
Eve whispered. “I didn’t…Ben never said anything.”

“He didn’t
know,” I mumbled.

I chanced
a glance back but I should have kept my eyes averted. She looked
horrified, as if she’d made the biggest mistake every by asking one
simple question. Great. Leave it to me to bring everyone
down.

I nodded
but didn’t speak. What was there to say? I’m sorry I ruined your
dinner? I’m sorry I’m the college dropout with major family issues
who’s fucking your son?

I felt
Ben’s hand on mine but I couldn’t look at him. Their perfect little
triangle wasn’t meant for my sharp edge and I just wanted to
disappear.

“
Hey,” he
said softly, so softly I knew his parents couldn’t hear. “Babe, I’m
sorry. I didn’t know…about your parents.”

I nodded.
I mean, what was there to say? It wasn’t his fault my mother had
decided to take a detour to off the bridge. Hell, it wasn’t even my
mother’s fault. She was damaged. She was damaged and broken and
there wasn’t any kind of glue in the world that could fix
her.

“Georgia?”

I blinked
rapidly, trying to stem the tears I felt but suddenly it was too
much. Ben. His parents. My parents.

And all the
holes in between.

My heart
sped up. Sweat broke out along my forehead and for a minute the
world seemed like it was spinning and yet I was still. I was
standing in the middle of crazy. It was odd, but in that moment I
felt as if I could see right into my mind and it scared the crap
out of me.

I wrestled my
hand from Ben’s and pushed away from the table.

“I gotta go,” I
mumbled.

Ben
stood, blocking my view of his parents and I avoided his eyes. I
knew the power that was there and I didn’t want him to pull me in
because I needed to leave.

“Don’t go.” His
hand reached for me but I sidestepped him, my face already pinched
into what had to be the mother of all fake smiles.

“
It was
nice to meet you.” I nodded toward his parents. “But I just
remembered that I have this, um, thing and I have to be back in
Philly before nine, so…” My voice trailed off and I knew
that
they
knew I
was full of shit, but they were too polite to say
anything.

I gave a
half wave before anyone could say anything and practically ran into
the house, my eyes searching frantically for my car keys. The door
banged behind me and I knew Ben had followed me inside.

I didn’t
want to face his questions. I just wanted to get the hell out.
Shit. Where the fuck were my keys?

“Georgia.”

“
I don’t
want to talk about it, Ben. Really. It happened over three years
ago…and it’s not a pretty story and I…please just let me
go.”
Mother fucker
. My voice was cracking. I really needed to
leave.

The keys
were not where I left them. I shoved aside a bunch of
advertisements and the relief I felt when I saw the black and
silver key ring was huge.
Huge.
My chest was tight and it was getting hard to
breathe. I knew that if I didn’t get my ass out of here soon I was
going to lose my shit in front of Ben and his parents, and I would
rather die than have them see me like that.

I was headed
for the front door and my fingers curled around the handle when
Ben’s voice cut through the fear inside me.

“
You’re
just going to leave? What the fuck, Georgia? You tell me that your
parents are dead and then freak out and you’re just going to
leave?”

He was
behind me. I felt him as if he was pressed up against
me.

“Let me help
you with this. Let me be there for you.”

“
Please,
Ben,” I whispered. “I can’t do this.” Panicked I yanked hard on the
door. “I have to go. I’m sorry.”

“This is
bullshit, Georgia.” His voice was hard.

“
I can’t
share this with you. Not yet.”

I slipped
outside, half expecting him to come after me. He didn’t.

And I
don’t know what upset me more. The fact that I knew he was pissed
at me for leaving, which he had every right to be, or the fact that
he hadn’t bothered to come after me.

Either
way it didn’t matter. Twenty minutes later I pulled over onto the
side of the road and lost my shit. I cried hard. I cried until my
eyes smarted because they were swollen. I cried until my nose ran
and my skin was itchy from the salty tears. I cried until there was
nothing left in me and even then I huddled in the front seat, my
arms wrapped around myself, shaking uncontrollably.

And then
I sat for nearly an hour, watching the headlights of the oncoming
cars blur as they sped by. I sat there until dusk fell and the
stars came out.

I sat there
until I was empty and then I went home.

Ben

My
parents stayed for three days and for three days Georgia stayed
away.
The first two, we
didn’t talk. She never showed up to paint and I refused to call
her. As much as I wanted to be there for her, I couldn’t get past
the way she had just run out. Like I didn’t mean anything to her.
Like what we shared didn’t rate an explanation.

And sure I was
being a bit of a dick—I knew it wasn’t about me—but I couldn’t help
the way I felt. I’d never been ditched like that before and it
sucked.

My
parents were cool. They never said anything about the way she’d
bolted or the fact that she hadn’t come around since. We had a good
visit, caught up on some family shit and then they were
gone.

The third
day, yesterday, Georgia called but I wasn’t overly friendly on the
phone even though I wanted to see her so bad it was all I thought
about.
But then she
wasn’t either. I didn’t know what had changed between us, I only
knew she wasn’t interested in fixing whatever the hell it was and
that pissed me off even more than I already was.

She
didn’t say she was coming out to my place, and I didn’t invite her.
I told her Jack Ryan, Rick Daniels and Ball-less Boone—former
teammates of mine from LA—were coming out for a few days to chill
before training camp started. Georgia asked if they were bringing
girls with them and I answered without thinking.

“Boone has his
balls back so I’m guessing they won’t be alone.”

“
Oh,”
she’d said. “Have fun.”

“I plan on
it.”

Click.

That was
our conversation and the main reason my attitude sucked. Pretty
fucking pathetic.

The sad
thing? The guys
had
brought girls—hot fucking girls—and all I could think about
was Georgia’s pale eyes and heart shaped face.