The Stillness Of You (26 page)

It was
Ben who stared back at us. A candid painting of how I saw
him.

A head shot, he
was glancing over his shoulder, his hair a crazy wavy mess, his
smile wide and open, his eyes intense. I’d painted the Flyer logo
beneath his right shoulder and the number 9 alongside it.

“
This is
what I feel for you,” I said softly. “This is how I see
you.”

“You’re
amazing. It’s so…so real.”

The
nervous feeling in my gut pressed in and ruined the moment but I
knew it was time to come clean about everything. I also knew that
the next few minutes were going to challenge us and since we were
in such a new relationship I wasn’t sure how he was going to take
it.

“I’m leaving
for upstate New York tomorrow.”

Fuck me.
The words spilled from my mouth before I had a chance to even think
about them. About what they meant. About how he was going to
react.

“What?”

Gone was the
smile and he took a step back, hands shoved into his pants pockets
a frown on his face. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

I tried
to smile but it was a lame attempt and I could tell I was starting
to freak him out. I remembered what Seamus had told me. Focus. Be
true to yourself. You deserve love. But you deserve to love
yourself more.

Here we
were. It was crunch time and I was so nervous I wasn’t sure I could
get the right words out.

“I’m going back
to college.”

He looked
relieved and attempted a smile. “Well, that’s great. I mean it,
Georgia..”

“Thanks.”

Shit, girl,
just get it out.

“
Seamus
thinks I’m ready to be on my own again so this is kinda the next
step you know? But it means I won’t be here and I don’t know when
I’ll see you, I…”

He took a
few steps closer until I could reach out and touch him and Lord
knows I wanted to. I wanted to bury myself into his embrace and
stay there forever.

“
What are
you trying to say, Georgia? I don’t get why the vibe is off. It
almost feels as if you’re saying goodbye.”

I
swallowed and forced the rest of the words out. “I need to be able
to function on my own, Ben. I need to be able to be healthy on my
own before I can even consider giving myself to
someone.”

“You’re not
being real clear here.” He sounded exasperated and I didn’t blame
him. I was fucking this up but good. “Do you love me?” he said
roughly.

“Yes.”

“
Good
answer. Do you want to be with me?”

I nodded.
“Yes, but only if…”

“
There is
no if.” He interrupted. “You don’t get it. I love you too much for
fucking
if.
What
the hell kind of word is that anyway? There is only yes or no. I’m
not a yo-yo. I’ve stayed away for almost a month because I thought
you needed space and now you show up here, you tell me that you
choose me…you choose us but now you’re saying
if?
What the fuck is that supposed
to mean? You gotta help me out here, Georgia because I’m not
getting it.”

“
I love
you, Ben. I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to
love another person and it’s because I love you so much that I…” I
faltered because the pain was so huge. I didn’t want to lose him
and I was terrified he was going to see my decision as a
rejection.

“
If you
love me then what’s the problem? Love is enough. Love has to be
enough.”

Sadly, I
shook my head. “No, Ben. It’s not. It wasn’t enough for my parents
and I can’t be with you in that way until I know that I will never
get behind the wheel of a car and,” my voice cracked and dropped to
just above a whisper. “And drive it off a bridge. Until I know I
would never hurt you.”

He shoved
his hands into his pockets, but the anger was gone and a glimmer of
hope spread through me so fast I felt faint. I took a moment,
knowing these were probably the most important words I would ever
speak.

“
I want a
life with you Ben but I need to learn to live my own life first. I
don’t want to be half a person. Not for you. Not for me. We deserve
more and I’ve finally realized that.”

“So what are
you saying,” he asked quietly taking a step toward me.

“
I’m
saying that I love you. I’m saying that I chose you but I’m also
saying that I need to focus on getting healthy and learning to live
with my illness. And I have to learn to do it on my
own.”

I exhaled and
closed the inches between us, my hands slipping between his arms to
encircle his waist as I laid my head on his chest.

“
I’m
going back to college. I want to finish my courses. I’m going to
continue my therapy with a great doctor that Seamus recommended.
I’m going to take my meds and learn to live with my illness and I
hope when I’m done…I hope that you’ll still want me because I can’t
think about my world if you’re not in it.”

For
several moments there was nothing. No noise. No reaction. Nothing.
The room was so heavy with
nothing
that I was choking on it.

Then his hands
slid out of his pocket and wove their way into my hair, tugging on
my head until I was forced to look up at him.

“Are you
breaking up with me?”

“
No.” I
shook my head. This was the real important part. “I’m giving you
the chance to bow out gracefully because this might not end well
and your whole future is ahead of you and,,,”

But I
didn’t finish my words because his mouth was on mine, his lips and
tongue and everything about him almost desperate as I opened
beneath him. I kissed him back as hard as I could, my hands
clutching his shoulders, my body limp against him.

To feel this
much emotion…to feel this much love was scary.

We broke apart,
hearts beating fast and furious. Short of breath he wheezed and his
eyes devoured me as if he’d been starving for days.

“
I’ll do
whatever it takes to help you get to the place you need to be,” he
said. “But why do you think you need to do this alone? Why can’t
you go to college nearby and live here with me?”

A sad
smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “That kind of defeats the
purpose of doing it on my own.
And I already told you that I can’t move forward until I’m
100 percent sure I’m not a danger to anyone. I can’t. I saw what
this illness did to my parents and until I own it and rule it, I’m
not good for anyone.”

He exhaled and
swore and for a few minutes the only noise was the wind whistling
through the trees outside the barn.

“
I need
to do this, Ben. I need to do this for me. I just don’t know if
it’s enough for you and I understand it you want to step back.
Hell, you deserve a normal non crazy girlfriend and I don’t want to
be an embarrassment to you.”

“
Embarrassment? What the hell does that mean?”

“
You know
what it means. You’ll get ribbed by some of the guys on team. Danby
for sure.”

“I can handle
Danby.”

“I’m just
saying that my past isn’t easy and I don’t want it to hurt
you.”

His eyes
narrowed and he looked pissed off. “I want you to understand
something. I don’t give a flying fuck about that shit. Got it? What
you did and who you did it with, is before. It’s before me. It’s
before you and me. So whatever it takes to make this work I’m in.
I’m in for the long haul. I’m in it to win.”

“
Are you
sure?” I could barely get the words past the huge lump in my
throat. I was so afraid he’d think I was too much work. Afraid he
wouldn’t want a part time girlfriend.

“
Georgia,
this last month has been fucking awful. The only thing that got me
through it was training camp. I lived and breathed hockey and it
saved me. I want you in my life and I’ll take whatever I can get. I
love every inch of you, even the crazy parts. Guys have girlfriends
who go to different colleges all the time. We can make it
work.”

“We can make it
work,” I repeated stupidly, tears spilling into my eyes.

“
Now come
here,” he said roughly, beckoning with his fingers. I ran into his
arms and he crushed me to his chest. “What time are you leaving in
the morning?”

“Early.”

“Who’s taking
you?”

“I’m driving up
myself.”

“No you’re
not.”

I glanced
up at him. “Ben, you don’t have to…don’t you have practice or
something?”

His eyes
were on my mouth. “Nope. Our next exhibition game is Wednesday so
I’ve got this covered. I’ll drive you to school and get you
settled, but…” His lips were now inching their way across my jaw
until he was nestled at the corner of my mouth.

“But what?” I
said huskily.

“I’m gonna need
a month’s worth of loving tonight in order to get my quota in since
I’m headed for a long dry spell again.”

“
A
month’s worth?” His hands were under my jersey and he jerked back,
lifting the edge and peeking under. “No bra,” he said.

“No.”

“
Huh.”
His other hand inched down into the waistband of my jeans and he
grinned. “Commando?”

“Yep.”

He
whistled and stepped back. “Take your shirt off.”

I cocked
my head to the side and smiled, a tremulous, happy, smile. “You
first.”

But I didn’t
have to say anything else—he was already on it—and we never made it
back to the house until much later, and even then I wasn’t halfway
done fulfilling my man’s quota.

I let Ben
Lancaster love me and I gave him back as much as he gave me. And
later, much later, when he held me in his arms and drifted off to
sleep, I stared up into a perfect night sky, content, in love, and
for the first time in forever it seemed, I was hopeful.

The
pieces inside me, the ones that sometimes moved fast and loose,
were still. They were quiet. Peaceful.

And for that I
was grateful.

THE CHAOS IN
ME, (Beautifully Broken, #2) coming spring/summer 2013.

Authors
note:

I had such a
good time writing this emotional, sexy book. I want to thank
Danielle, Crystal, Tracy and Amanda for all the help you’ve given.
It’s so appreciated!

I was
inspired to write this book after watching Silver Linings Playbook.
Mental health affects millions of people all over the world and
it’s something that we as a society need to understand in order to
help those who need it. If you’ve not seen the movie, do so. What a
wonderful, emotional and hopeful piece.

Ben and Georgia
were such a unique couple and wonderful couple to write, but
they’ve still got a journey to complete. Unfortunately Georgia will
have to travel through more darkness before she can truly be
happy.

Watch for the
continuation of their romance in book 2, THE CHAOS IN ME, coming
spring/summer of 2013.

I love to hear
from my readers and you can find me hanging out online at the
following places:

Website:
http://juliebale.com/

Goodreads:
www.goodreads.com/authorJulieBale

Twitter:
https://twitter.com/JulieBale

Facebook:
www.facebook.com/pages/Julie-Bale

I also
write adult contemporary romance as Juliana Stone. Visit me at my
website if you feel so inclined!
http://julianastone.com/