The Summer I Learned to Dive (14 page)

I shrugged. “I don’t either. They’re good people. It makes me resent her for what I’ve missed out on. They could have been a part of my life all this time,” I said brimming with anger.

“It doesn’t do you any good to resent people, Finn. That anger you feel for her will continue to fester and will eat you alive,” he said.

I sat with my knees pressed against my chest, my arms wrapped around them.

Jesse took out the sandwiches Nana had made and handed me one. We ate in silence, enjoying the natural sounds around us. I felt relaxed. The sound of the waterfall flowing into the pool of water was soothing, almost trance like. I finally felt like speaking.

“It’s really beautiful, Jesse.”

“I love being here. This is where I go to think, to get away from stressful things,” he said. “Sometimes it’s hard living with an alcoholic,” he said openly and unabashed.

“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t think of any other consoling thing to say.

“Don’t be. He’s been a drunk since my mom died. The irony is my mom was killed by a drunk driver,” he said looking directly into my eyes. “Wouldn’t you think that’d make him detest the sight of alcohol? He’s just not strong enough to deal with the fact that she’s gone,” he said almost desperately with a pained expression.

I reached over to hug him. I held onto him feeling his warmth. He held me tight as if he were too afraid to let go. I raised my head, looking up at him, into his blue eyes. He stared down at me and moved closer to me, so close that our lips touched. He softly kissed me, tenderly and with so much care, as if I were a fragile package he didn’t want to break. His arms were still around me. His hands grasped more firmly onto my back. My breath was nearly taken away. Every nerve in my body was aware of his proximity, of his touch. This should have been my first kiss, not the sloppy unwanted kiss I had with Dylan. My stomach was torn into knots. My heart beat rapidly. I thought it might walk itself off my chest and into his palms forever. He moved his hand to my face and gently brushed his fingers against my cheek.

“You are so beautiful, Finn” he said, looking straight into my eyes. I felt lost in his eyes, transfixed. “I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” he admitted. I blushed, embarrassed but I don’t know why. There was nothing embarrassing about the fact that he liked me as much as I liked him.

“I’m glad you finally did,” I said. There was no lying with Jesse, and if this was the beginning of love, then I was game.

***

The hike back didn’t feel rushed or difficult. We held hands the entire way, stealing glances at each other, enjoying the moment, the euphoric feeling. It felt natural and normal, as if it was the way it had always been. We talked about our hopes and dreams. He was so smart. He knew so many random facts, things that most people couldn’t even begin to know or understand.

Our drive back was too quick. I wanted to spend more time with him, to get to know him even better. Every moment we spent together felt exciting, electric, and new. It felt like I was alive for the first time. I had never felt this way for someone before, but I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to grab a hold of it and cherish it.

We arrived at my grandparents’ house. The air was thick and humid. He parked his car in their driveway and turned the engine off. I started to unlock my door. “Wait,” he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. Goosebumps instantly formed on my entire arm. Every touch from him gave me the shivers. I gave him a questioning look. “Finn,” he said. He cleared his throat. “I had a good time today. I really like you.” His tanned cheeks showed hints of red.

“I like you a lot, too.” I reached over toward him and quickly kissed him on the lips. He ran his fingers through my hair. We stopped kissing and looked at each other. My face felt hot. I blushed at the thought.

“Your hair is really soft,” he said, still running his fingers through it.

I couldn’t say anything. Just his touch alone made me dizzy. He got out of the car and opened my door. We walked toward the front porch holding hands, enjoying the silence. The night was quiet. The glow of the moon allowed me to see the outline of his body. His hand held on tightly to mine. I wanted to tell him that this was the most perfect day that I had ever had, that I couldn’t imagine having a better day. But all I could muster was, “I had a lot of fun today. Dixon Park is beautiful,” I said, staring at him, seeing the outline of his perfect face.

He put his arms around me and hugged me tightly. He kissed me for a sweet and long minute, then released me. “It was a great day,” he said, holding my hand and moving with me toward the front door. “I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight, Finn.” He leaned in to kiss me one more time.

“Night, Jesse,” I replied and opened the door, instantly feeling full of dread at what I saw standing before me.

Chapter 15

I didn’t see the car. I was too focused on Jesse and failed to notice anything within distance. If fireworks had been going off, I would have missed them, too. My eyes were only on him; my thoughts were only focused on him. If I had noticed that the car was parked in the front of my grandparents’ lawn, it would have given me a warning, a heads up, that she was there. So, when I opened the door and found her sitting inside, I was more shocked, more surprised than I should have been. She had warned me. She had told me that she would come to get me, that it was time for me to come home. I just didn’t believe she would actually drive all the way to Graceville especially since she seemed to hate my grandparents so much.

“Finn,” she said, standing up, her voice hoarse. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying. My grandparents sat on the couch and didn’t say a word. There had been words between them, that I could see. I could feel the tension. Nana looked at me and attempted to smile. She looked worn out. My grandfather’s face looked strained. He was perspiring heavily.

I glanced at my grandparents and then at her. “What do you want?” I asked her, almost with contempt. I was still too angry with her.

“I came to talk to you, to see if you’d come home with me,” she said, approaching me. She reached her hand out to touch my shoulder. I instantly flinched and moved several inches away from her.

“I don’t have anything to say to you. I told you to give me space,” I said indignantly.

“I know you did and I’ve respected that. I gave you over six weeks to think things over…” she trailed. She fidgeted and looked at me almost desperately. “I hoped that we could talk things out. I don’t like the way we left things.”

I wanted to laugh out loud but didn’t. It was a nervous reaction I suppose. I was confused and angry. I didn’t understand the mixed emotions I had. A part of me wanted to hear her out, to forgive her on the spot. Another part of me wanted to run angrily away and tell her to leave me alone for good. That part of me, the one that was more forgiving, took over. I sighed heavily and looked at her, my arms folded.

“I’m listening,” I said, but my body language said something else.

“I came here to apologize to your grandparents and you, to ask for forgiveness for lying to you. They have forgiven me for keeping you from them. Can you forgive me?” she asked, nearly pleading.

“What? That’s it?” I snapped. I looked at my grandparents, to see their reaction. I could tell they wanted to say something, but were staying silent, allowing my mother to have this moment. Nana looked disconcerted. “And you forgave her that easily?” I asked them in disbelief. My grandfather’s expression was pained. He wiped sweat from his brow. They nodded, but didn’t respond.

“We talked for a long time, Finn. There was a misunderstanding. If you’ll just listen to me, you’ll understand, you’ll learn to forgive me for what I did,” she said.

“What is there to understand? You lied to me my entire life. You kept these loving people from me. They are a part of me and you separated me from them. It doesn’t make sense. None of this does. And I don’t know what would compel them to just let you traipse in here and forget everything that you did!” I shouted. I was not just angry, I was furious. Nana stood up and walked over to me in an attempt to help me see some reasoning, but I wouldn’t budge.

“Just hear her out, Finn. We did,” she said. I looked away from her and looked at my grandfather. He sat on the couch, still sweating profusely. His huge right hand squeezed his left arm. He appeared to be in agony.

“Grandpa, are you okay?” I asked, immediately rushing to his side. Nana was right behind me.

“It hurts,” he said, his voice strained. His face was pale, whiter than I had ever seen.

Nana placed her hand over her mouth and gasped. “Charlie, it’s your heart,” she said in a near panic. She quickly ran to the phone and dialed 911.

My mother ran over to us.“He’s having a heart attack,” she said.

I couldn’t believe this was happening. I looked at him, the pain in his eyes. He held onto his left arm and winced in pain. His eyes closed and then he was unconscious.

“Grandpa!” I shouted, but it was in vain. I knew screaming would not wake him up. I looked at my mother, unsure of what to do next. She immediately began CPR. I stood motionless, frozen, immobile and helpless. There was nothing I could do. I didn’t know what to do. It was the worst feeling in the world—watching someone I loved suffer and I was useless.

The ambulance arrived, but it felt like it had taken forever. The paramedic immediately stabilized my grandfather. Nana rode with him in the ambulance to the hospital. My mother grabbed her car keys and looked at me. “Finn, we need to go to the hospital,” she said calmly. I followed her. I felt like I was somewhere else. It all happened so quickly, within a flash. We got into her car and she drove.

“Mom,” I said, my voice hoarse, tears flowed from my eyes. “Do you know where you are going?” I asked.

“I lived here for half of my life. You don’t forget your past, Finn, no matter how much you want to,” she said.

I looked out the car window and began to chew on my nails. I was so afraid that my grandfather, who I had just gotten to know, was knocking on heaven’s door.

Chapter 16

“I love him. I don’t want him to die,” I said out loud.

“I know,” she replied quietly.

The ride felt ominous. The sky was darker than the blackest shade of black, opaque even. It was if all of the people and animals had run away and left the night alone, to stir by itself. We arrived at the hospital. I nearly jumped out of the car and ran to the waiting room. Nana sat anxiously in the waiting room, trying to fill out paper work.

“I can’t think straight,” she said, looking at me helplessly.

“Let me help.” I took the paperwork out of her hand and began to fill in the gaps, writing what I could. She stared blankly into space. I had never seen her like this. She was so uncertain, so afraid.

My mother walked into the waiting room and sat near us in silence. I continued to complete the paperwork. It was the only thing I could do. I felt so useless. I wanted to do more, but didn’t know what I could do to help. My mother asked us if we wanted something to drink or eat. Nana shook her head no. My mother left the room and we were alone, just the two of us.

Nana put her arm around me and hugged me. “Don’t worry, Finn. He’s going to be alright,” she said more to herself than to me.

“He’s strong, Nana,” I said, hoping it would offer some comfort.

“He has been through a lot in his life. He can survive this,” she said, trying to force a smile. A doctor walked into the waiting room. Nana instantly looked up at her.

“Mrs. Hemmings?” she asked.

“Yes,” she answered. We both stood up.

“Your husband is stable. He had a massive heart attack and has had some damage to his heart, but he will pull through. You can come back and see him,” she said. Nana gave me a hopeful look and I started following her.

“Oh, I’m sorry, only one person at a time until he is more stable,” the doctor said. I sat back down. Nana looked at me almost apologizing and followed the doctor toward the Intensive Care Unit.

I felt relieved. He was going to be okay. I pulled out my phone and texted Jesse. I couldn’t talk to him. I was too afraid I would have cried the entire time we spoke on the phone. My mother walked in the waiting room carrying two bottles of Coke, a bag of pretzels and a pack of gum. She handed me a bottle. I looked up at her and thanked her with my eyes. It was a small gesture on her part. She was trying to make amends.

I opened the lid and gulped down the Coke. I was so thirsty. The night had worn me out physically and mentally. My phone buzzed. Jesse sent me a text message.
“Be there soon,”
he wrote. My heart immediately warmed. At that moment, I knew it was no longer a question—I was in love with him.

We sat in silence, my mom and I. I wasn’t ready to hear her out and she knew well enough to not bring up the subject. Too much had happened and talking about it in the middle of the waiting room was not the ideal time or place.

Jesse must have sped the entire ride to the hospital. He arrived within twenty minutes. The moment I saw him, I felt less anxious, more at peace.

“How is he?” he asked out of breath. I could tell he had run from the parking lot into the waiting room.

“He’s stable. Jesse, this is my mom,” I said.

He shook her hand. “Nice to meet you,” he said. She looked at him approvingly.

“You, too, Jesse,” she said, her eyebrows raised as she looked at me curiously.

“What’d the doctor say?” he asked.

“She said that he was going to make it. I’m so relieved,” I said, my eyes began to water and the tears fell. He gently squeezed my hand, offering support. I squeezed his hand in return. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother appraising us, her eyes focused on our hands.

Nana came into the waiting room. She was tired. She smiled at Jesse. “That was good of you to come, Jesse,” she said, her hand gently patting his cheek. “Well,” she said, breathing heavily. “He’s going to be fine. Finn, you can go back and see him.” I looked at her unsure. “Go on back.” She motioned. “He wants to see you.”

I walked into the Intensive Care Unit apprehensively. For someone who wanted to be a doctor, the smell of the hospital made me ill, the sight of sick people made me feel nervous. I wanted to get out of that place, immediately.  My grandfather had tubes running through his body. He looked so fragile, so pale, and so different than the strong man I had grown to love. It tugged at my heart to see him in this condition. I had to contain myself. Crying was not an option.

“Hi Grandpa,” I said, trying to sound upbeat. He lay on the bed, his eyes were barely open. He touched my hand. “I’m glad you’re going to be okay,” I said. “I was worried. We all were.”

“I love you,” he whispered. My heart ached. Seeing him laying there helpless like that was hard to take.

“I love you, too,” I replied. My eyes watered. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but I couldn’t stop. I was too emotional. He patted my hand gingerly. His hand was turning blue from the tube inserted into his vein.

“Forgive her, Finn,” he said. I stayed quiet. I didn’t want to discuss my mother. “Promise me you’ll forgive her.” I bit my lip. I didn’t want to promise that. But I knew in my heart of hearts that he wouldn’t ask me to do something that he wouldn’t do. He forgave her, so I would forgive her, too, but only because he asked me to.

A nurse interrupted us. “He needs his rest,” she said, hinting for me to leave. I nodded and looked at my grandfather. “I’ll be back to see you tomorrow,” I said and kissed his cheek. I left the Intensive Care Unit and went back to the waiting room.

The three of them sat silently staring into space. When I walked in the room, they all three looked at me. “They said he needs his rest,” I said.

“I’m staying here. I want him to see me when he wakes up,” Nana said.

“I’ll stay with you, Nana,” I offered.

“Nonsense.” She shook her head.  “You all should go on home. I’m fine here,” she said. She was stubborn.

“Lilly, I’m staying right here,” Mom said.

“I am, too,” I insisted.

“Jesse, will you take Finn home please?” she asked, completely ignoring me.

“No. I’m staying with you,” I argued.

“No, you are not. You stay at the house and come back tomorrow. Your mother and I need to talk more anyway,” she said. I looked at the two them, my mother and Nana. They gave each other a silent nod, an understanding or silent code of some kind that I could not understand.

Jesse took my hand and gestured for me to follow him. I wanted to protest, but knew it wouldn’t do me any good. I hugged Nana goodbye and tried looking at my mother. It was a start. She knew by the way I looked at her, that I wasn’t as angry, that I’d be willing to talk to her soon.