The Survivor (14 page)

Chapter Seventeen

I
n the days since Graham had come by, Mattie kept herself busy. It wasn’t hard to do. After a year spent mostly being sick or bedridden, much of the usual spring and fall cleaning chores had been pushed to the side.

Now there was much to do to help get the house back in order. And because there was so much to do, Mattie was happy to help her mother in any way that she could.

For the last two hours, Mattie had been helping her mother organize and clean her sewing closet—and what a mess it was! Stacks and stacks of fabric, shoe boxes packed with knickknacks, sewing notions, and old mementoes filled every corner. Not even a year’s worth of sickness could create this nest of a mess. No, this was only possible after years and years of being a packrat.

As Mattie opened one old shoe box and found six sets of laces and two skeins of yellow yarn, she sighed. Had her mother ever met an item that she couldn’t justify keeping and storing away?

“
Muddar
, we need to get rid of some of these things.”

Over her shoulder, her mother glanced at the contents of the box. “Those items are perfectly useful.”

“Indeed. They are useful for someone who will use these things. You haven’t knitted in years.”

“But I still remember how.”

“And the shoelaces? Mamm, no one has worn the shoes these go with since I was in school.”

Her mother wavered. “Perhaps . . .” She reached for one, held it up, and inspected it. “Or, they might be useful for trim? Or cording?”

“Maybe for someone else.” Encouraged that her mother was at least thinking about clearing up some of the mess, Mattie held up a large basket filled to the brim with scraps of all different shades and colors. “And look at all this. We could surely get rid of all these scraps.”

“Oh, no we could not. These scraps can make a very good crazy quilt.”

“Mamm, we’re not going to be making crazy quilts anytime soon.”

“We might. Daughter, you need to learn to be thrifty. Everything can be used for something.”

“That is true. But, Mamm, some of this fabric you’ve had for years.” She pulled out a piece from near the bottom of the stack. “Plus, it’s all mighty dirty and dusty!”

“It can be washed . . .”

“Really? You want to spend the afternoon washing old scraps of fabric?”

“
Nee.
But it’s still useful.”

“Why don’t we make a sack of scraps and take it to some of the older ladies in our community. You know how they like to make crazy quilts. They will put it to good use. They are always passing out blankets and quilts to people in need.”

Her mother bit her lip, obviously wavering. “But—”

“And then I will have made good on my promise to Daed,” Mattie said, talking as quickly as she could. Pressing forward, she added, “You know Daed asked me to help you clean this out. If I don’t help you, Daed will wonder what we did today.”

“Your father has enough to worry about without concerning himself with storage closets.” Her mother seemed disgruntled as she looked up from inspecting a violet-colored floral cloth about the size of a pillowcase. “If we don’t tell him, he won’t know.”

“I will. Come now, Mamm. Let’s make a dent in this.”

“All right.” After treating Mattie to a disappointed expression over her shoulder, she left, then returned with a large paper grocery sack. “We will fill this to the brim, but that is it for today,
jah
?”

“That will be enough,” Mattie replied. There were more boxes of half-filled spools of thread, needles, buttons, and thimbles, but Mattie knew better than to push her luck. Getting her mother to give up anything was a true accomplishment.

She settled for pulling the fabric out for her mother, then folding the discarded pieces and placing them neatly in the sack.

They worked together in unison for a time, hardly speaking. Mattie relaxed, enjoying the easy, mindless task, as well as the sense of accomplishment. In no time, they would have the sack filled, then could dust a bit.

On her knees, her mother competently lifted the fabrics and sorted. Then spoke. “So, dear. What did Graham want when he came over the other night? It seemed terribly late for him to come calling.”

Now, where on earth had that come from? Just like that, the tables had turned. And now she was the one who was worried about coming up with the right answers.

Though in this case, she wasn’t even sure if she had the right answers to describe what had happened between them.

“Mattie? Did he want something special?”

Right then and there, she thought about his kisses. And the way he’d held her close.

And the way she’d felt in his arms. So right. So complete.

But of course she couldn’t tell her mother any of that. Fumbling with her folding, she attempted to school her voice and features. “Oh, it was nothing,” she muttered at last. “He only came over to say hello.”

“To say hello? So late at night?”

“He had forgotten the time.” Oh, the lies were coming quick now!

“If Graham Weaver is forgetting the time, then it surely wasn’t nothing. He must have wanted something badly.”

Oh, he had.

There it came again. A flash of memory. Recalling the glint of satisfaction that had appeared in his eyes before he left, Mattie felt her neck heat. A hint of wariness coursed through her as she remembered his touch. The way he’d held her in his arms.

Right before he’d kissed her.

Mattie lifted her chin. Deciding that her mother was asking too many pointed questions to be coincidence, she decided to tackle the conversation directly. “Mother, what exactly did you see?”

After picking up a dark navy square her mother eyed it, then set it in her keeper pile. “What did I see? Nothing, of course. Your father and I were half asleep.”

Mattie relaxed. For a moment there, she’d thought her mother had spied on her and Graham.

“But I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that I heard his tone, Mattie.” Shifting until she sat comfortably cross-legged on the floor, she added, “He seemed terribly agitated. What was bothering him?”

Mattie shook her head. She was still surprised by what had been on Graham’s mind—that she was seeing William. He’d been jealous. Well, until he’d kissed her and made them both forget everything . . . but how good it felt to be in each other’s arms. “Oh, you know Graham,” she said lightly. “What isn’t bothering him? He’s such a worrywart.”

Her mother raised a brow. “A
worrywart
? Hmm. You know, I never really thought he was much of a worrier. No, he’s always seemed more of an easygoing sort of man to me.” After picking up two swatches of purple and pink, her mother wrinkled her nose. “I never did care for these. Here you go,” she murmured.

Mattie took the fabric and set it inside the sack. “Well . . . he is. A worrywart, that is.”

“Perhaps he can’t help it. Some people like to fret.”

“I would agree with you, except he lets things bother him that aren’t any of his business.”

“Such as?”

Why do you always say so much? she chided herself. “Such as his brothers’ lives.”

One of her mother’s eyebrows rose. “Why would he worry about them? I’ve never seen Loyal or Calvin so happy.”

“They
are
happy. Which is why Graham shouldn’t be worrying,” she said lightly.

Pitifully. Oh, but it was so obvious that she was fibbing!

“Mattie, were you arguing about Jenna?” she said softly.

“No. I know he did not father Jenna’s baby.”

“I hope not. Her mother is so upset.”

“As is Jenna. Mamm, they kicked her out of their house!”

“I’m sure they’d welcome her back with open arms if she’d just tell them who fathered her baby. She’s been lying, Mattie. That is serious, don’t you think?”

“Well, yes. I suppose.”

“You suppose?”

Mattie took the four pieces of black fabric and added them to the sack. Now it was almost full. Thank goodness! “I know her troubles are great, but I’d be the one lying if I acted like the world was ending over her pregnancy. There are much worse things to fear than gossip, or a loss of reputation.”

Her mother stilled. “I suppose you are right. After all, we’ve been through worse. Much worse.”

“Mamm?” she asked hesitantly. “Why do you think Jenna lied?”

“I couldn’t guess . . .”

“But if you had to?”

Her
mamm
lifted one shoulder the way she did when she was at a loss for words. “Maybe the truth is too awful to admit. Maybe she thought Graham would be his usual easygoing self and not say a word. Or maybe she thought he liked her enough to offer to marry her, no matter what.”

“I’m glad he didn’t.”

“Mattie, the things you say.”

“I can’t help it. Graham is one of my best friends. I hate the thought of someone trying to trap him into marriage.”

Looking at her speculatively, her mother said, “I can see why you’d think that.”

“But that said, I still do feel very sorry for Jenna, being tossed out like she wasn’t good enough. It seems terribly harsh to me.”

“Mattie,” her mother said after a pause, “between you and me, I agree with you.”

“You do?”

She reached out and brushed her cheek lightly with two fingers. “Most definitely. Daughters are precious things. I would miss you terribly if you weren’t with me.”

“I’d miss you too, Mamm,” Mattie said softly.

Her mother got to her feet. “So now that we’ve talked about Graham . . . what are you going to do about William? Will you see him again?”

“I suppose so. He’s planning to come over here tonight.”

“What if he is not the man who God has planned for you?”

“If he’s not, then I certainly hope He will guide me to the right man sooner than later. I want to begin my life again. I want to fall in love and get married and have a houseful of
bopplis
.”

Her mother burst out laughing. “Oh, Mattie, but you do make me happy,” she said. “I promise, you will have all those things. As soon as you let our dear Lord have a chance. The way you go on, why, He hardly has time to work miracles.” She laughed again as she walked to the door.

“I’m going to make us some lunch.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I finish cleaning up.”

“
Danke,
daughter.”

As she watched her mother walk away, Mattie thought about miracles. She held her hands to her scarred chest and wondered if she had the nerve to ask God for more than her fair share of them.

After all, He had already given her one miracle—her health. Suddenly it seemed, after a mighty difficult journey, that she was starting to get everything she’d ever wanted. Her body was healing. Her relationship with her mother was smoother.

And then there was Graham. She’d always known he was important to her. She’d certainly come to depend on his friendship. But maybe it was time to see if there was a whole lot more to their relationship?

As she thought of their kisses, she felt her cheeks heat. Everything with Graham had felt so right. Why, one kiss had turned into two . . . then three.

Now all she had to do was decide if taking a chance on an uncertain relationship with Graham was worth jeopardizing the friendship they had. Had God given her and Graham to each other because He knew their love was meant to be?

Could it really be that easy?

Chapter Eighteen

A
s Jenna continued to organize packets for the new reading club Ms. Donovan was starting for a group of twenty senior citizens, she let her ear drift to the current reading group in the library. The preschoolers who came twice a week to hear Ella read.

Today, they were reading
If You Gave a Mouse a Cookie.
This one seemed to be as popular as Ella’s other choices. At least a dozen children were scooted as close as they could to her; and each time Ella turned a page, they leaned forward.

In other parts of the library, people often stopped what they were doing and observed the children watch Ella with pure joy on their faces. Whenever Ella read, Ms. Donovan said, you could hear a pin drop. Jenna figured that was no exaggeration.

She smiled as Ella read the last line of the book, then set it on her lap. But still the children sat motionless, anxious for another word.

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid that’s all there is,
kinner,
” Ella said. “You can only give a mouse so much, you know.”

Jenna grinned at the joke as she put another stack of cards together.

On the floor in front of Ella, one of the little girls pulled on her skirt. “Couldn’t you read us another story, Miss Ella? Just a short one? Please?”

Jenna bit her lip, wondering what Ella would say. Actually, she was half looking forward to another story.

Ella shook her head. “
Nee.
I’m afraid not,” Ella said with a look of disappointment. “I’m sure your parents have places to take you.”

More chatter followed as one by one the little patrons got to their feet and approached Ella for hugs.

Then the mothers rushed forward, anxious to check out books and be on their way. Ms. Donovan signaled Jenna to leave the worktable and join her.

One by one, Jenna stamped cards and helped Ms. Donovan scan the books.
“Danke,”
little Emily said.

“You are welcome, Emily,” Jenna said with a smile.

When the rush was over, Ella joined them at the circulation desk. “Well, I think I had better read that one again soon. They liked it.”

“I think they like all the books you read to them,” Jenna said. “You are a wonderful-
gut
librarian.”

“Indeed you are, Ella,” Ms. Donovan said with a smile. “The preschoolers and I took a vote and decided you are never allowed to stop working here.”

Ella laughed. “Until Loyal says differently, I don’t think I’ll ever choose to stop. I enjoy it too much.”

“It’s obvious,” Jenna said. “You glow when you’re with the
kinner
.”

“They make me happy.” With a shy smile Ms. Donovan’s way, Ella lowered her voice. “To tell you the truth, I like too many things here to give up this job. For once, I feel like I belong.”

Jealousy struck Jenna hard. With every day that she spent at Mary’s, it was becoming more and more apparent that she didn’t belong anywhere. Her parents and family didn’t want her, and Graham certainly didn’t. And though Mary was a gracious hostess, Jenna knew that she couldn’t take advantage of Mary’s hospitality forever.

Jenna smiled tightly, then went back to her table and picked up the papers. It had been a silly dream, but for a while, she’d truly thought one day she and Graham would be married, too. And that she and Ella would be sisters. For a while, she’d hoped that was where she belonged. With the Weaver family.

Of course, her lies had made almost any sort of relationship virtually impossible.

To her surprise, Ella joined her, pulling up a chair. “How about you compile the papers and I staple and put them into folders?”

“That’s fine.” Working in unison, Jenna picked up the stacks, straightened them neatly on the table, then handed them one by one to Ella, who in turn stapled and made a new pile. The work was easy, and in no time a rhythm developed as they worked together.

After a bit, Ella glanced her way. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Me? Fine.”

“Truly? You are lucky, then. Poor Lucy is sick all day long.” A whimsical smile appeared on her lips. “You should see Calvin fuss over her. I tell ya, you would think no woman had ever been with child before! He constantly watches every move Lucy makes, and even bought her a case of fancy oranges.” She shook her head slightly. “Have you ever heard of such a thing?”

Jenna smiled weakly as Ella continued. “We are glad for the both of them, to be sure. But we can’t help but smile at Calvin, ya know? My Loyal thinks his brother is mighty amusing.”

“Yes. I can just imagine that.”

As Ella stopped her stapling to give a preschooler who approached a hug, a fierce longing for some of Lucy’s attention burst through Jenna before she could tamp it down.

Though she knew it wasn’t fair, Jenna privately thought Lucy’s terrible morning sickness most likely stemmed from being allowed to be sick. After all, she had someone who would care for her.

Jenna, on the other hand, wasn’t nearly that lucky.

When Ella returned to stapling, Jenna tried to move the conversation along. She shouldn’t punish Ella for her own misfortune. At least she had asked how she was feeling. “I was a little queasy at first,” she admitted. “But I’m better now.”

“I’m glad of that. How far along are you? I mean, do you know?” As the question sat between them like an uninvited guest, Ella’s cheeks burned bright. “I mean . . . oh, I don’t know what I mean.”

Jenna knew Ella didn’t have a mean bone in her body—she’d just been trying to make conversation. And the question wasn’t a difficult one for her to answer, anyway. After all, she knew to the exact moment when she’d conceived. “About four months.”

“Ah.” Ella looked at her, then darted her eyes away. “I heard you are living at Mary Zehr’s.”

“I am.”

“I’ve always thought she was a kind woman.”

“She is. She is terribly kind.”

“So, have you seen Loyal’s uncle John?” Ella asked, her voice low and bright. “Loyal told me John fancies Mary something awful.”

In spite of her mixed-up feelings, Jenna felt herself smiling. “I have, indeed.”

“What do you think? Do you think Mary will have him? Do they seem like a good match?”

“Perhaps.” As she thought about how confused she’d been, thinking about Chris, wondering about Graham, she shrugged. “I think love is out of their hands, if you want to know the truth. Things always seem to happen the way our Lord wants them to.”

Ella grinned. “I think you’re right about that.” After making sure that Ms. Donovan wasn’t in hearing distance, she said, “At first, I just wasn’t sure what would happen with John; he seemed at loose ends. I’m glad things are better now.” After picking up the last two packets Jenna had put together, she stapled them quickly and stood up. “I guess I had better eat my lunch, then get ready to shelve books.”

“All right.”

“And Jenna?”

She paused. “Yes?”

“I know it’s hard, but please try not to worry so much. Everything will work out. It always does.”

Jenna wished Ella’s words were true, but they certainly didn’t feel true. Though Ella had had her share of hardships, now she was married to Loyal Weaver, one of the most eligible and handsome men in their community. She had little to worry about. But as far as Jenna could tell, her own troubles were only beginning.

But that wasn’t something she could tell Ella. Instead, she smiled bravely and tried to pretend that there was a light at the end of her tunnel. “
Danke,
Ella.”

After another kind look, Ella squeezed her hand, then walked away—leaving Jenna to wonder if things would ever get better. Or if things would continue to only get worse.

“M
attie?” her mother called out. “William is here.”

Surprised to see him, she rushed to the entryway. “Hi.”

“I happened to be nearby, so I thought perhaps you’d like to go for a walk with me. Want to go grab your coat?”

Mattie paused. Took a closer look at him. William held his felt hat tightly in his hands. He looked happy to see her. And neat. But nothing like Graham.

That’s when she knew.

Nothing might ever happen with herself and Graham. Maybe they’d never be more than friends.

But she knew for certain that there was nothing between her and William. “William, I thank you for the invitation, but I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

His eyes narrowed. “Why not?”

Oh, this was hard! “I don’t think we suit.”

He looked flabbergasted. “We just haven’t spent enough time together. You need to give us a chance . . .”

She walked to the door and turned the handle. “I’m sorry. I can’t help how I feel.”

“I’m not giving up, Mattie. Don’t be surprised if I stop by again.”

Now she was feeling a little irritated. “My feelings will stay the same.”

“Feelings change. You’ll see,” he promised as he put his hat back on and left.

Making her feel decidedly chilled.