The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (55 page)

“We’ll deal with the HBC if we need to,” I cut her off. “I’m not hosting a vampire slumber party.”

“God forbid you ever do anything to add some class to that place,” she quipped.

“I’m serious, Sally. Get the coven into Brooklyn. Arm them with every stake you can find, and then have them lay low. If need be, I’m not too far away. But there’s no way you’re all staying at my place. Not gonna happen. Besides which, I only have one bathroom.”

“Fine. I’ll send most of them there with instructions to stay put, stay vigilant, and only open the doors for someone they know,” she said.

“I couldn’t help but notice that
most
part again,” I pointed out.

“Good to know you pay attention to something other than my chest on occasion,” she replied. “I hope you enjoyed spending quality time with Gan because she’s going back with you. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’ll be joining her.”

I must be such a repressed closet homosexual that even I don’t know it because I never thought in my life that I’d be arguing
against
a woman of Sally’s looks shacking up at my place for a few days. But yet, there I was. One night with Gan had been bad enough. Potentially several nights with both Gan and Sally sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. In close quarters, they’d no doubt be at each other’s throats constantly, and that didn’t even count my two human roommates and their tasty, blood-filled selves. I wasn’t sure I had enough sanity in me to referee that kind of nonstop cage match.

Yet, Sally’s words did have some logic to them. As usual, it was just enough to make me question my course of action.

“These guys are after Gan,” she pointed out. “Therefore, it stands to reason that Gan should be kept away from the others.”

“And why does that mean my place?”

“Because the assassins are after you too, stupid,” she continued. “If both of their main targets are together, that’s even better for the rest.”

“Okay. I can see your
Star Trek
logic here.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Your whore is being insolent again,” Gan cut in.

“Not now, Gan,” I said, and then turned back to Sally. Oh yeah, those two in the same apartment together. Hoo-boy! “And as for you, I believe the phrase is ‘
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
’ That’s from
The Wrath of Khan
, just in case you were wondering.”

“I do not believe I have ever heard my father say that.”

“Different Khan, Gan,” I said. “Anyway, logical or not, how do
you
play into this?” I asked Sally.

“It’s pretty simple, really. I’ve gone stark raving insane,” she answered cryptically.

“I’m not doubting you, but that’s not quite the answer I was looking for.”

“I’ve obviously gone bonkers,” Sally explained, “because rather than the safety of numbers that the coven offers, I’ve decided to stick with you. Two reasons: You get ashed, and I probably go back to being some other vampire’s chew toy; and secondly...and Lord help me for this, but I actually believe in you. Yeah, I know, sounds crazy to me, too. But you just keep beating the odds, Bill.”

Wow, that almost sounded like a compliment. “I may beat the odds occasionally, but...”

“Most of the time, it’s only because I’m there with you,” she interrupted. “I know. So I can’t help but think, against all logic, that the absolute safest place for me to be is plastered next to your imbecilic side.”

I actually smiled at that. It was kind of sweet in an insulting sort of way. I held up a fist in front of Sally. “Partners?”

“Partners,” she confirmed with a fist-bump.

“Do not get any ideas, whore,” added Gan. “When this is over, he is still mine.”

* * *

We decided to first accompany Starlight to the safe house. From there, she could coordinate making sure the others arrived safely as well. Gan’s senses were the most acute amongst us, and we periodically had her checking to see if she could sense whether the assassins were close by. She didn’t catch wind of them, which was good. A few subway stops later, and I felt better about that. As I said before, good luck with a bunch of yak herders trying to negotiate the NYC tubes successfully.

We gave the building a once over, making sure no non-coven vamps were hiding anywhere, and then helped to secure the exits. Once we were relatively sure of the building’s security, Sally, Gan, and I grabbed a cab back to my apartment. We then wound up hoofing it the remaining mile or so after Gan insulted the driver and got us thrown out. Can’t tell you how
glad
I was that I got to spend some more time with the pretty little princess. Every hour with her felt like ten.

Unfortunately, she was only part of the problem. I had a trio...or what I assumed were a trio, nobody had actually seen them and lived to give a tally yet...of assassins in the city, gunning for my ass. There had to be some way both to keep them from killing me and convince Gan to go back home with them. Unfortunately, for the life of me I had absolutely no clue as to how to do that. If I somehow, through some miracle, lived long enough to join the Draculas, I was going to institute a policy of talking through our troubles. Maybe start each of our meetings out with a group hug. Yeah, that could work...maybe.

Oh well, hopefully all of that could wait until the morning. Most vampires were strictly night people. For those keeping score, I was, too but, since I had a job to do, I had trained myself to be able to function during daylight hours...minus maybe any sunbathing. If we could make it until then, I could be relatively sure of a few hours of peace, during which the assassins would be sleeping and I could maybe think of something to do.

Speaking of sleeping, I was also wondering what the arrangements were going to be. I had given Gan my bed the night before, and I would probably do so again; however, that left Sally. I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to be all that enamored with sharing a bed with the little girl who called her a whore with every other breath. Maybe Tom would be out again, and she could take his room...after getting
extensive
instructions of what not to touch. Yeah, this was going to be a disaster.

Before stopping at my building, we did a quick circuit of the block to allow Gan to sniff out whether Nergui and his buddies were anywhere close by. After a few minutes, she stopped and wrinkled her nose.

“They are not here...but there
is
something,” she said.

“Define ‘something’,” I replied

“There is something...unnatural in the air.”

“But no vampires?” Sally asked.

“No. There are no other vampires near. But there is...”

“Listen, honey,” said Sally. “This is New York. Pretty much everything smells unnatural here. If there’re no vamps, I say we’re golden.”

I shrugged and replied to Gan, “Sally’s got a point. You’re probably just getting a whiff of the streets in general. Tomorrow’s garbage day, after all.”

* * *

I unlocked the front door, and we went in. I led the way up, Gan took middle, and Sally brought up the rear. We reached my door, and I let us in. I was a little surprised to see that the lights were all still on, considering the late hour. However, it wasn’t unheard of. I soon saw why. Tom and Ed were both up. They were seated on the couch, facing the...still broken TV?

“Hey, guys!” I said. “Hope you don’t mind, but we have guests.” I waited for a moment, expecting a tirade from Ed, since I imagined he was still pretty pissed about the whole Gan thing, but neither of them said a word. I continued, “Sorry for the late notice, but there’s some shit going down. Sally and Gan need to stay here for maybe a few days. Oh yeah, Tom, this is Gan.”

There was still no acknowledgment from either of them. They both sat in the same place, quiet and unmoving. Odd. Even with Tom not knowing Gan and Ed not liking her, I would have expected them to have bolted around fast enough to cause whiplash at the first mention of Sally. When this continued for a few more seconds, I began to get an idea of what was going on.

“Are you sure they are still living?” asked Gan with casual indifference. Alive or dead, humans were pretty much the same thing to her.

Sally gave a puzzled look. “Yoo-hoo, guys! I’m here...so are my breasts if you want to stare at them,” she said in their direction, and then turned toward me. “I agree with Gan. You might want to check them for a pulse.”

I shook my head and smiled. “I’ve seen this before.”

“You have?” asked Sally, her tone dubious.

“Yeah. A couple of years ago, our old TV went out. Cash was kind of tight back then. So, until we could replace it, we used to get completely shitfaced stoned in the evenings, then sit there and watch the TV
in our minds
.” Ah yes, the good old days.

“That is probably the most
pathetic
thing I have ever heard in my life.”

“I do not fully understand what you are saying,” Gan likewise commented, “and even I find myself agreeing with the whore.”

“Will you
stop
calling me that!?” Sally snapped.

“Perhaps when you stop acting like one,” Gan replied. “Besides, that is unimportant right now. What matters is that Dr. Death is
wrong
about his friends.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

Gan gave me a look as if to say one of us here was a stupid child and it wasn’t her. “Your friends are obviously bewitched.”

“Bewitched?”

“Yes...magic,” she continued. “Can neither of you smell it? It is as plain as the...”

Unfortunately, if Gan was able to finish her sentence, I never knew. As she spoke, a bright white light flashed in the room. Before I could even begin to wonder what happened, it had engulfed me. As it did, all rational thoughts immediately scattered to the wind.

I was back in the tent with my three clothing-impaired female companions. We were picking up, with great enthusiasm, where we had left off. Why I had ever left this place was beyond me. Actually, maybe I hadn’t left after all. I mean, here I was. Maybe I had just dozed off and dreamt all of that crap. Yeah, that made sense. Now it was time to show these babes the true meaning of vigorous.

We were all rolling around, having a good time, when I finally wound up on my back. I turned my head to the side and saw Ed lying there just a few feet from me. He had his own female companionship busy nuzzling his neck while grinding away on top of him.

“S’up, bro?” I called to him.

“Hey, Bill,” he called back, a big grin on his face.

“What? No ‘hi’ for me?” the girl on top of him said, turning around to face me.

“Hey, Sally! What are you doing here?” I cheerfully inquired.

“Oh, just fucking your roommate like a good little whore.”

“Good for you,” I answered back.

“When your other buddy gets here, do you want me to take care of him, too?” she purred, running her nails down Ed’s chest.

“Entirely up to you, babe. Personally, I say you snooze you lose.”

“Whatever you say, Bill. You’re the boss.”

Yes, I am
, I thought, getting back into my own groove.

“Bill! What are you doing?” asked a voice from my other side. I turned my head and met Gan’s accusing eyes.

“I’m kind of busy, Gan. Can you come back later?”

“No, I cannot,” she said with a pouty tone. “Our wedding is now. You will be late!”

“Don’t worry,” I assured her. “I’ll be finished here soon enough, thanks to my lack of stamina.”

“Bill...” she called again.

“Bill!”

“BILL!”

* * *

“
BILL, WAKE UP!!
”

Let it be known that a vampiric compulsion makes one hell of an alarm clock. I snapped out of the dream with a jolt. A part of me was sad to see it go, but the rational part of me that neither wants to see my roommate naked nor wishes for Gan to watch me having sex was fairly relieved to see it go back to the realm of my fucked up subconscious.

I lifted my hands to rub my eyes...correction,
tried
to lift my hands. They didn’t seem to be making much headway. For a moment, I had an intense feeling of panic that maybe my hands didn’t move because I didn’t have them, or for that matter, a body anymore. Living forever as the equivalent of a talking bowling ball did not particularly appeal to me; however, it quickly passed as I looked down and saw I was still properly attached to my favorite parts. I just couldn’t move any of them.

I was sitting upright in a chair. That much was obvious. However, I didn’t seem to be restrained by anything. I tried again to move...nothing. Okay, it was time to force the issue and put a little of that vaunted vampire strength to use. I struggled again, and this time...OUCH!! Suddenly, it felt like both my arms were on fire. I glanced down and saw they were actually smoking. What the fuck?

“I was just about to warn you not to try that,” said Sally.

I turned toward her voice and saw that she was seated about two feet to my left. She must have been the one who compelled me to wake as I saw that Gan, a little further down and seated in her own chair, was apparently still out cold. Sally likewise appeared to be unbound in any way. Yet, like me, she was unmoving.

“Are you okay?” I croaked at her.

“I’d say we’re a bit closer to fucked than we are to okay,” said a voice to my right. I turned my head to see my roommates. They were seated like me with the exception that they were actually tied up with rope. Tom was the one who had spoken. Ed’s eyes were open, but he looked like he was still out of it.

I craned my head to look around. We were definitely not in our apartment. But where? It seemed kind of familiar...