The Touchstone Trilogy (134 page)

"I don't think I could do that," I said.  "Pick, I mean.  Sen adopted me, not the other way around, and I got too emotionally involved with all three of them to not keep caring.  Lira was the same way – she just happened.  But you're thinking about it, aren't you?"

I was asking Mara, who nodded.  "Jeh, Ketz and Grif, too.  Of course, right now we're all in barracks, and don't have the same push to retire, but if we can get these houses built, then between us and the school we should be able to manage it.  And you're right – the idea of picking is strangely daunting.  Not so much for making a choice which will work for us, but because then there are all these children we didn't pick.  And for every atrocious creature shamelessly trying to win favour, there are a half-dozen who I would be glad to know better.  And even the atrocious creatures are breaking themselves apart inside.  It's one of the big downsides to having Muina cut off from a fresh influx of settlers – KOTIS intended to have each and every minor settled with families as soon as possible, because they need that level of care.  You only have to look at these four to see how much a sense of belonging does to offset the weight of trauma."

The idea of 'Jeh, Ketz and Grif' kept me occupied for a while, and I still don't quite know if they're intending to set up one house together, but I can see how much Mara's looking forward to the idea of having a home and building a family.  She says she and Lohn are thinking of simply having two weddings (commitment ceremonies) to handle having lots of important people on two different planets.

I also couldn't help but notice that Nils was very quiet the rest of the day.  He and Maze, who would both be great fathers, and are both caught up in their feelings for someone who's dead.  Maze, though, seems to be at peace with where he is, while Nils is just cutting himself apart inside.  I'm willing to bet Zee and Raiten are bothering him, too – they're working together on squad coordination to give Maze more time off, and always seem to be off somewhere chatting.

Ys also went quiet in the afternoon.  It's because of going to talent school tomorrow, and she makes me want to tag along and stand over her protectively.  Really, given how brave Ys was trying to help Siame and me in the lake, you'd think there'd be some kids there who would see her as more than a servant.  But at least I think she's readier to believe that Kaoren and I value all four of them, and that I have succeeded in creating the sense of belonging Mara was talking about.

Friday, November 14

Friends, Family, Home

Ys came back from school today looking immensely relieved.  Mara was able to clue me in on why, since she'd been at the talent school that morning.  Ys hasn't suddenly become popular or anything, although one or two of the kids seem to have made slight overtures (which unfortunately Ys is completely disinterested in).  But Lira is the focus of an immense amount of fascination.  An actual Lantaren, beautiful, a second touchstone, hailed as my saviour and a brave spy who'd worked against the Cruzatch and – perhaps most importantly – with lots of syllables in her name.

I should have seen it immediately.  Lira's the first friend Ys has ever had – a rather different relationship to Sen and Rye both, who she treats in a more parental way.  Lira and Ys bonded thoroughly sharing moments of scorn for me, and just get along very well.  Going back to the talent school meant there would be dozens of rivals for Lira's friendship, and the fact that Ys and Rye were 'just servants' would almost certainly be underlined, and Ys wasn't quite certain how Lira would react to that.  Mara couldn't give me all the details, but it was plain that Lira wasn't terribly keen on the mass overtures, and when Mara had headed out for her shift Lira was welded to Ys' side and was glaring furiously at one particular clutch of kids.

Lira gave me an earful herself when Ys and Sen were safely in the bath (Ys still gives Sen a bath, and I suspect hasn't realised that Lira's probably perfectly aware of the scars on her back, after days of watching us invisibly).

Lira had said a few very rude things to Ys' greatest detractors and been lectured (no doubt very gently) by their age-group's supervisor about good manners, and wanted to make quite clear to me that she had no intention of being nice to anyone who thought Ys and Rye didn't belong with us.  I just said: "Good for you," and told her to let me know if anybody bothered them too much.

I had a lot of fun reading the latest chapter of
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
to them this evening.  They're very caught up in Edmund, about whether he should be rescued or deserves his fate.  Sen adores Lucy, of course, and she's far more sympathetic toward Edmund than Ys, Lira and Rye are.  Ys is monstrously impatient to know what happens next.  I suspect she usually reads ahead for these night-time stories, and because it's in English she can't.  Being all impatient does mean that she doesn't let Sen linger in the bath a moment longer than she considers necessary.  So funny.

I adore them.  Kaoren and I are both finding abrupt parenthood surprisingly to our taste, and the awful tension and after-effects of the Oriath collapse is fading.  We're growing increasingly confident that we're safe now, that the Cruzatch aren't coming back, and the pressure tearing the spaces apart is gone.  My only real downside at the moment is my complete lack of sex life.  My face has only just stopped hurting enough that Kaoren's willing to kiss me, and neither of us find it much fun when I get into an uncomfortable position at night and wake up really needing some pain medication.  It's getting better though – wonders of Taren technology and so forth.

Just asked Kaoren what he most wanted to do as a Setari over the next few years – whether he wanted to continue with Ena work, or was more interested in exploring Muina.

He had to pause to think about it, but then said very firmly: "Both.  There is an intensity to Ena work which I – which all of Fourth, I think – are not quite ready to give up.  The standard we need, the care and the challenge, that is very much a part of what we have been, and it is something which is still needed, even with the Ddura's aid.  But the explorers of Muina, those who rediscover and see with new eyes this world which is our past, that is what the Setari are becoming.  Some, like First, have already made that shift, but we all will.  We are all changed.  We cannot go back to what we were before."

He held up his hand, palm-down, and recognising the moment I reached up to meet him, palm-to-palm.

"We would not want to."

Saturday, November 15

Citizen of Muina

A little boy drowned today, which has sent me into a minor spin of parental stress over all the things my four could do to themselves on an island.  The interface does make it safer, since they can call for help, and an alarm is set off if they're unconscious.  The kid who drowned was one of the interface hold-outs, and I can't help but think about whether he'd be alive if he'd had it.

KOTIS is also struggling with moonfall.  For a long while people stayed respectfully away from the old town during moonfall, but gradually 'free breathable alcohol' has meant more and more people of all ages deciding they want to stroll through the old town when the moon's out.  The new law-makers have to decide whether it should be allowed, and how to cope with all the accidents and problems which might be caused by people who are aether-drunk.

That's something they're going to be dealing with at every platform town as Muina grows in population.  Great pictures this morning of mounds of people sleeping in the amphitheatre.  All very well in Summer, but probably not so good a thing in Winter.

I figure the old Muinans living here must have just gotten drunk once a week, since the aether flowed down off the roofs of their houses.  Even little kids.  The pro-aether people are arguing that it would function as a kind of health care, and you don't get to overdose levels if you don't go and sit on the roof or dance about in the amphitheatre.  At least it doesn't seem to make most people violent, like real alcohol, but obviously there'll be incidents like Kajal deciding to force Kaoren to fight him.  I suspect aether-effects are one of the reasons the old Muinans specially built the platform towns, rather than incorpor–

...

Wow.  Had to stop writing because Zee just dropped out of the sky on me.  I'd been writing sitting under the tree on top of the Setari building, with Par and Sonn spending their guarding time in a training session down the lake-side slope, when all of a sudden I looked up and Zee was there.

There in a Goddess of Thunder and Lightning kind of way, standing over me in all of her toned six-foot-whateverness, glaring.

I don't think I squeaked.  Probably.  But I certainly felt mouse-like, staring up at her, and couldn't find anything more useful to do than gape at her.

"I've had it with being told that those dreams were so traumatic and secret that you can't discuss them in any way," she said, her voice tight and angry.  "What were they?

 I opened my mouth, searching for some way to explain that I simply couldn't, but she made a chopping motion with her hand.  "Just tell me."

I've never seen Zee act remotely like that before, so full of repressed anger and frustration.  I had no idea what to say, of course, because I really
wanted
to tell Zee, but was sure Nils would hate me for it.  But Zee was looking like she'd hate me for not telling her.

"Did you know that night was Helese Surion's birthday?" I asked cautiously.  Zee made a dismissive gesture and I hurried on awkwardly: "I had no idea that Nils and Helese had been together.  The first dream was a real shock to me, that this person who everyone only ever mentions in connection with Maze was someone who was everything to Nils.  No-one acts as if she was important to him, even though he was just – so completely hers."

Zee had had no idea.  She stopped looking quite so angry and just stared at me.

"Maze had to explain it for me – that when Nils saw how strongly Helese felt about Maze, he made out that they'd just drifted apart, for all that it came close to destroying him to see she felt that way.  He's too good an actor – no-one seems to think Helese had any real history before Maze because Nils goes about trying to make sure no-one ever takes him seriously, because he has this promise with himself to never really care about anyone again.  But with you, he can't stop, so he–"

I broke off, a little afraid of the expression on Zee's face.  Absolutely furious.  Then she just left without another word, and I looked down the hill at Par and Sonn staring up at me, and wondered what to do.

After a lot of agonising I sent a channel request to Maze and told him very guiltily that I thought Zee was going to go kill Nils and that it was my fault.  I can just picture Maze's expression.

But he calmly contacted Nils and told him to head in Zee's direction (because he's not keen on having senior Setari arguments played out in front of an audience).  He didn't go after Zee himself, but instead came to see me and assured me that no matter how angry Zee might be about anything, she wasn't likely to try and kill Nils.  I think he also came to check to see if Zee had yelled me into a wibbling heap.  Maze was very good at making it all into much less of a drama, and came down and distracted Par and Sonn during lunch so that they at least wouldn't ask why I was all wide-eyed and blotchy.

The details of what Nils and Zee said to each other I don't know.  I haven't seen either since because Maze told them both to take a week's leave, and they did exactly that – by setting their status to 'do not disturb' and going off on a camping trip together.  Nils did open a channel to me briefly, but only said: "Just because Zee bullied you into that doesn't mean you're not getting spanked," and laughed and broke the connection.  He sounded awesomely happy.  Kaoren's right about the senior squads being most changed: they're all starting to move on with their lives.

I'm having to use all of my dubious moral fibre to not make a projection so I can see what Zee said to Nils.

Sunday, November 16

This day today

So it's been one year today.  I spent the afternoon writing a letter to Mum, in preparation for the realignment of the natural gate to Earth.  The technicians think it's going to open in the next couple of months, and I'm putting together a well-protected package to send, complete with nanotech-forged Australian stamps.

Along with the letter, I've had a number of photos printed up to include.  They were a bit tricky, since I didn't want to have anything undeniably alien in them, and I particularly didn't want any pictures of me with fading yellow and green bruises down one side of my face, or a sling.  Fortunately that's all on the same side.  One recent image showing me in profile, tickling Sen's feet on the couch (Sen is fantastically ticklish and goes into spasms of delight), and I included a few older ones where my hair was still long (particularly one from when Kaoren, Sen and Rye fell asleep on the couch with me, and I'm looking down at Ys).  The rest don't have me at all.  A shot of Ys and Lira practicing their synchronised scowling.  First Squad.  Our waterfall.

And I'm going to send Mum these diaries.

I've been keeping them up out of habit, rather than out of that need to talk that it helped with early on, and nothing could explain more clearly to Mum just why I'm staying.  We'll be together every time she reads them, and she too can come to love First Squad, and Kaoren, and four children who were alone and frightened, and are so happy to belong.

I'll still have my log record of the diaries, so I can read them to Kaoren, and look back over how much everything has changed.  At all the people I've been since I walked home from school.  Survivor.  Stray.  Lab Rat.  Caddy.  Assignment.  Love.  Weapon.  Spy.  Celebrity.  Maker of dragons.  Machine component.  Saver of worlds.  Mum.

And, soon, uni student.

I'm hoping to beat Ys there, though she's sure to go excel in sciences, while I'm thinking of a vague selection in the Arts: Literature.  Mythology.  Archaeology.  Learning this world's stories so that it continues to become mine, and then maybe bringing some of my world's stories to Muina.