The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy (25 page)

***

Darcy was sitting in the dark in his living room listening to Led Zeppelin. He had always enjoyed listening to music in the dark, when he could completely immerse himself without outside distractions. He was drinki
ng a beer and singing along to ‘
I’m Gonna Crawl,
’
a song fitting his melancholy mood.

He scratched Georgiana’s puppy around the ears as it sat on his lap sleeping. Once in a while it would ‘yip’ in its sleep, making Darcy smile. He liked the little devil, even though it chewed one of his shoes to shreds and pissed all over the carpet. The song, the beer, and the puppy brought him a kind of depressed contentment. He had almost talked himself into giving Elizabeth up, only to then talk himself into calling her. He wavered back and forth most evenings but never made a decision.

He was startled when the phone rang loudly. He spilled his beer and the dog woke with an angry bark. Darcy’s heart pounded from the shock and he swore. He thought he’d turned the ringer off, not on full blast! He picked up the handset and looked at the caller ID. Unidentified. He recognized a San Diego area code, however. It could be either Georgiana, who was visiting a friend, or Elizabeth. One he could ignore, one he absolutely could not. Which would it be? It rang for a third time; on the next one, the answering machine would pick up.

“Hello?” he said, muting the music with a remote.

“Will? It’s Elizabeth.” Her voice was hesitant, unsure. Cold prickles covered his scalp and arms;
finally
.

“Hello, Elizabeth,” he said, trying to sound calm. “How are you?”

“I’m
...
I’m OK,” she answered shakily. “How are you?”

“I’m OK.” There was a long pause. He was afraid to say anything; his track record was so bad. He resolved to let her speak, to follow her lead.

“I got your letter,” she said softly. He closed his eyes. He had begun to think maybe it had not been delivered. “Thank you,” she continued. He said nothing. He heard her swallow. “I’m sorry for everything,” she said.

“So am I,” he replied softly. “Why are you calling?” He heard her take a deep breath.

“Well, to say that I’m sorry. And to answer your letter.” His heartbeat thudded against his chest. He waited for her to go on.

“I don’t really know how to answer it. I don’t know what to tell you to do. I miss you and I want to see you but I can’t just pick up where we left off. It scares me.”

“It scares me too,” he said.

“Should we start over?” she asked.

“No,” he answered. “I can’t pretend we’re starting from scratch when so much has passed.” Were they at an impasse, with her wanting to start over and him wanting to pick up where they left off?

“Maybe we could try actually dating?” she suggested, half-joking. It fell flat. He didn’t answer immediately.
What is she getting at?
he wondered. Before he could formulate an answer, she asked,
“Are you angry?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know anymore. I’m not furious anymore, if that’s what you mean. I think I understand why you left but it doesn’t make me any less hurt or angry that you did,” he answered.

Their silence stretched for another minute, then she said,
“Are you seeing anyone else?”

He didn’t answer. He was shocked that she asked
such a direct question. Was he ‘
s
eeing’
Caroline? If he was, should he tell Elizabeth that he was? Then he remembered what Jane had said:
I’ve told her all about how kind Caroline has been lately.

“I’m seeing Caroline casually,” he said cautiously. A pang went through Elizabeth’s heart but she was glad that he admitted it to her. Nature abhors a vacuum and she supposed she had left him feeling empty; she had certainly left herself feeling that way.

“Elizabeth, it seems like every time I do something I make it worse. That’s why I asked you in my letter what you wanted me to do. It sounds like you don’t quite know yet. I’ll do whatever you want but you’re going to have to take the lead. You’re going to have to let me know what you want, when you want it, and how much you want it,” he said quietly. “The ball is firmly in your court,” he finished. He wasn’t going to keep throwing himself at her only to have her run away again; he couldn’t take that again.

“Alright,” she said a little unsteadily. Clearly he wanted her to prove herself, to win him back. She took a deep breath. “Could we have lunch this Saturday?” she asked. Lunch sounded safe.

“I’d like that,” he said. It was a little less intimate than he’d like but he was letting her call the shots; he’d do whatever she was comfortable with. They agreed to meet at the park at 11:30 on Saturday. He had a hard time believing how business-like their telephonic reunion was going. All he wanted to do was scream that he loved her and that she should fly back now and move in with him and live happily ever after.
That wouldn’t scare her off at all, would it
? he thought. But he didn’t want it to be completely devoid of emotion.

“Elizabeth
...”
he said before she could hang up.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for calling,” he said with quiet sincerity.

“I’m sorry it took so long,” she answered. They hung up.

***

“Of course I’ll help out,” Darcy said absently to Caroline. She needed his assistance for a charity function and he was too buoyed by his conversation with Elizabeth to deny Caroline the favor.

“Thanks,” she said and was about to ring off when he said,

“I’m seeing her on Saturday.”

Caroline stopped short. “We’re having dinner on Saturday,” she reminded him.

“Yes, I know, I’m having lunch with her.”

Caroline smiled to herself. He was trying to sound nonchalant but she could hear the undercurrent of excitement in his voice.

“You’re not going to throw yourself at her, are you?”

“I beg your pardon? I’m certainly not throwing myself at her!” he said indignantly and privately reminded himself of his promise not to throw himself at her. “In fact, I told her that I was seeing you,” he continued.

Caroline raised her eyebrows. “Really? Why did you tell her that?”

“Because Jane’s already told her that we’re seeing each other and because she asked me.”

“Hmmm. Maybe you should use this to your advantage. Let her think she’s got some competition. I’ll help you out. I love this shit, you know,” she grinned.

“I can’t lie to her,” he said.

“Of course you can’t. But I can.”

***

Darcy arrived at the park a full hour early in order to walk the puppy and work out his own nervousness. He had walked the puppy in this park on several occasions and he was amazed at how it attracted women. He should have gotten a puppy years ago. He would be approached by attractive women who asked what kind of puppy he was then they would begin talking and usually he’d end up having a very pleasant conversation. He’d already been offered several phone numbers, which he had been too polite to decline but he had not called them.

It worked again. He was approached by a very attractive blonde woman who was walking her own dog. She asked him what kind of dog he had, what its name was, and how old it was. He answered and politely asked her the same questions. Then she introduced herself to him and he introduced himself to her. They sat together on the bench and she asked how often he came to this park; she was there nearly every day. She told him that she was in publishing and he told her he was in the law. She told him about a dog meet that was organized every other Saturday, would he be interested in attending? He said he would be quite interested. She took out a business card and put her email address on it. She told him to feel free to call her at work or to email her.

He saw Elizabeth enter the park. Although she was too far away to make out her features, it was undoubtedly her. He recognized her walk, the way she swung her arms. He had to remind himself that he could not jump up and run to her.

His heart was thudding so hard that he wondered that his new friend did not ask him about it. He was seated so that he could see Elizabeth approaching over his new friend’s shoulder and he hazarded several glances at her while talking. She looked tan and healthy; she was in jeans and a simple black tank top. She had twisted two strands of hair on each side and pulled them back like a crown on her head; he had never seen her wear her hair that way and he liked it immensely. He tried not to ignore his new friend and asked her to repeat her latest question. When Elizabeth was about 50 feet away, he turned his full attention to his new friend so as not to appear too eager. He let Elizabeth approach them and interrupt their conversation before he acknowledged her.

“Hi,” she said smiling brightly as she approached. She looked expectantly between him and his new friend. She had seen him almost as soon as she entered the park; his long form was unmistakable, even folded onto the bench as it was. She was disappointed that he didn’t rise to meet her but he appeared to be in deep conversation with a woman. She knew he was too well bred to interrupt his conversation to come running to her like an overanxious schoolboy
...
but it would have been nice. She hoped that he assumed the flush in her cheeks was a product of her walk across the park.

“Elizabeth, hi!” he said, smiling. “You’re early!” He turned to his new friend. “I was just making Janelle’s acquaintance. Janelle organizes a dog group every other Saturday and has invited me to attend.” Elizabeth nodded politely to Janelle, having conveniently hooked her thumbs into her pockets to avoid having to shake hands.

“I didn’t know you had a dog,” Elizabeth said, frowning. How could she not know he had a dog?

“Janelle, this is my good friend Elizabeth. We are having lunch together today. Would you care to join us?” he invited. Janelle smiled and shook her head. No thanks, she was going to be on her way.

“It was nice meeting you, I’ll be sure to email you if I can make it next Saturday,” Darcy said to Janelle. Elizabeth sat on the bench that Janelle vacated.

“Would you care to join us?” Elizabeth mimicked. Darcy laughed. “When did you get a dog?”

“It’s Georgie’s. I find that he’s a very effective tool in meeting women.” He pulled out his wallet and pointedly put Janelle’s card into a pocket containing a stack of others.

Is he trying to make me jealous?
she thought.

“Let’s take a stroll,” she said. He stood obligingly and tugged the puppy’s lead. “You’ve lost weight,” she commented. He looked well-rested but his clothes hung a little too loosely on his frame and she knew that his face was thinner than when she had last seen him. He shrugged and looked ahead.

“You look well,” he commented. She thanked him and kicked a pebble with her foot. “San Diego must be agreeable to you.” She shrugged and looked at the path.

“I’ve been very busy.”

“You’ve assumed an enormous amount of responsibility,” he commented. She nodded.

“It certainly keeps my mind busy,” she replied. She glanced briefly at him and he met her gaze quickly. They both looked away.

“Hot dog?” she asked, pointing at the hot dog stand. He nodded and they walked toward the stand. He ordered three hot dogs and gave one to her. The walked over to a bench and sat to eat. Darcy ate his hot dog, then took the third and broke it into pieces for the puppy. Elizabeth laughed, and he gave her a few pieces to feed to it.

“He is a cute little thing,” she said as it took the morsel from her fingers.

“I’ve grown very fond of him. We understand each other. Don’t we, Moopy?” he said as he pulled the puppy to his face and nuzzled it.

“Moopy?” Elizabeth laughed. Darcy smiled.

“My sister named him, not me. I’d have named him Napoleon. Nappy for short,” he smiled as he looked over to her. She grinned at him. They fell silent for a moment, then she said,

“It’s good to see you again.” Their eyes met briefly and he stamped down the urge to kiss her and declare his undying love for her. Instead, he said,

“Thank you.” He looked back at the puppy.

“Are you free for dinner?” she asked. He shook his head.

“I’m meeting Caroline for dinner.” He hazarded a glance at her. He couldn’t tell how she took the information; she was quiet and bit her lower lip but didn’t appear outwardly angry.

She hadn’t expected him to be seeing Caroline on the same day he was seeing her. She bit her lip and wondered how serious they were. He’d s
aid they were dating ‘casually,’
but what did that mean? She resisted the temptation to ask him to break his date and see her instead.

Elizabeth leaned back against the bench and gazed out over the park.

“Pemberley was much more beautiful than this,” she said, looking over the landscaped gardens before them. The reference was deliberate; she wanted to remind him of how happy he’d been with
her
. It also made her feel nostalgic. Their relationship had also been more beautiful than this.

“Pemberley had a long, undisturbed time to grow into its beauty,” he said as he looked at her. “Everything here is so rushed, so hurried, nothing has time to take hold.” He seemed to be referring to their surroundings as well as their relationship. “Here, everything dies at the first sign of a little frost. At Pemberley, everything has good roots; it can take a bit of abuse and grow back.” She met his eyes for a moment and then he looked away.

Elizabeth didn’t know what to say or think. How serious was he about Caroline? She couldn’t fathom that he would lead either one of them on, it wasn’t in his character. At least, not the character she knew of him in England. Maybe his American persona was different. The thought suddenly made her insecure again; the fairytale versus reality dilemma began again in her mind. She had started this lunch feeling confident that she could pull off a reunion; now she wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t being cold but she’d expected at least a warm hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek. His diffidence shook her resolve. Was he using some kind of crazy reverse psychology?

While Elizabeth’s head swam with these thoughts, Darcy privately mused as well. He saw that she was insecure about him. He wasn’t sure what to do. He couldn’t make an advance, he knew that once he started he’d be lost and end up begging her to come back. He couldn’t hold her hand, it wouldn’t be enough for him. He needed all or nothing and until she knew her mind, he felt safer with nothing. But of course that presented the problem of how to encourage her. He had never been in this type of situation before; he didn’t know what to do. Her cryptic reaction to his dinner with Caroline was no help; was she angry? Indifferent? He silently sighed and wished he could skip forward to a successful reconciliation and be done with it.

They sat in silence for some time, each lost in their own thoughts. Her confidence steadily declined and she began to feel depressed. What was she thinking? How could she ever think that he would be satisfied with her? No wonder he was seeing Caroline; she was far more beautiful, had a fantastic body, was rich and well-traveled, and far more sophisticated than Elizabeth.
Caroline is far better suited to Darcy than I am
, she thought. Then she wanted to cry. She checked the time on her cell phone.

“I have to be going,” she said. She didn’t but she felt it was time to bail before something went disastrously wrong. She had somehow thought there would be some grand reunion instead of this innocent little lunch. Which would have been fine had he not already been with a beautiful woman when she arrived and was about see another one this evening.

Darcy nodded and did not question why she flew all the way back for a 20 minute lunch with him. He stood as she stood. She said goodbye and walked rapidly away. When she was almost to the entrance, she turned around and saw him watching her walk away. She raised a hand to wave at him. He raised the puppy’s paw and waved it at her. She smiled and he grinned in return. She turned and left the park.