The Trials of the Honorable F. Darcy (26 page)

***

Lou Hurst looked at the photo ID on his cell phone: an extended middle finger with black nail polish on it. He flipped it open.

“How did it go?” he asked anxiously.

“I’m not sure. It didn’t go like I expected it to,” Elizabeth replied.

“Well, what happened?”

“Well, we met and he was with some gorgeous blonde. Then we ate hot dogs. Then I asked him to dinner and he said no because he already has a date with Caroline.”

Lou blew out a puff of air.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“I need help, Lou! I don’t know how to handle this!” she said, sounding as if she were on the verge of crying.

“Well, either he’s playing the field or playing hard to get. Which do you think it is?”

“How the fuck do I know? I’m so fucking clueless right now. All I know is that I want him and he says he wants me but now he’s screwing around with Lady Boobs-a-lot!”

Lou laughed. And laughed.

“What’s so fucking funny, Queenie?” she said angrily. He laughed again.

“Lizzy, I’ve never seen your panties so twisted! You’re positively chafing!”

“Fuck you, Lou.”

“Now, don’t be mad at me,
I
didn’t sweep you off your feet and then dump you in the dustbin,” he chided her. She sighed in frustration.

“What should I do?” she asked.

“How do I know?” he said gently. “He’s human. Who knows what his motivations are? Do what your heart tells you to do and hope for the best.”

***

“So, this is a benefit for the Pediatric Aids Foundation,” Caroline was telling Darcy over dinner. “Charles is involved and has participated in the charity function before but this year he can’t. So we were hoping you could sub in.”

“Sure. What is it, a fund drive or something?”

“Something like that,” she said evasively. He imagined he would be at some gala dinner, doing a meet-and-greet with society hoi-polloi. He could do that, he was used to it both from being a judge and from being a member of society hoi-polloi. He was trying to remember where his tuxedo was when she interrupted his thoughts.

“It’s a charity auction,” she clarified. He nodded. He would probably be required to bid on something, push up the bidding, perhaps buy a few things. “Will you need me to fill a seat or actually help with the auction?” he asked.

“You’ll be needed to help with the actual auction,” she said.

“What’s being auctioned?” He’d seen very profitable art auctions before and even objects like celebrity memorabilia often garnered a sizeable sum.

He took a bite of his steak. He closed his eyes and savored the flavor. Since Elizabeth had called him, his appetite had returned; he couldn’t get enough of a good steak. And pears. He loved pears.

“You are,” she said.

“I am what?” he asked, taking another bite of steak. He had missed something in the conversation while thinking about pears.

“You are being auctioned.”

He stopped chewing and took a drink of wine.

“Sorry, I thought you said I was being auctioned,” he smiled. She nodded. The smile disappeared from his face, replaced by a frown. “What do you mean?”

“It’s a bachelor auction.” When Darcy put down his fork and leaned back in his chair, looking displeased, she hastily continued. “It’s been extremely successful for the past four years and every year Charles auctions himself. But this year he doesn’t want to because he’s engaged. I need you to fill his slot.”

“A bachelor auction? You mean, I go up on stage and women bid on me and I go out on a date with the highest bidder?” She nodded. “Absolutely not.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Why not? It’s for a great cause. Charles always has a blast. It’s a lot of fun. Besides, I really need you to do this. The auction is two weeks away and I don’t have a replacement yet.” Caroline looked pleadingly at him.

“Do you have any idea how humiliated I would be?”

“Will, honestly, you really take yourself far too seriously. A lot of great guys do this. We have doctors, lawyers, politicians, sports figures, local celebrities. It’s all in good fun, it’s for a good cause, and it’s not at all humiliating. It’s not some strip club, you don’t have to dance or anything, you just stand up there and women bid on you.”

“What if I don’t get any bids?” he sulked. “
That
would be humiliating.”

Caroline laughed. “You, not get any bids? Have you looked in the mirror lately? Charles usually pulls in about $10,000 and he’s just cute. You’re gorgeous; I’m counting on you for at least $15,000.”

“Can’t I just contribute $15,000?” he asked.

“Of course you could but you’d still have to do this for me. Look, I need a warm body to fill the slot. Charles isn’t willing to do it. I’m begging you as a personal friend and as an upstanding member of society, please, let me sell you at auction.”

The corner of Darcy’s mouth curled up in a reluctant smile. She really could be persuasive when she tried. He picked up his fork and resumed eating his steak.

“I will do it if you promise to outbid anyone who you think I could not stand to go on a date with. You know me well enough. No hunchbacks, no sailors, no transvestites.”

Caroline laughed. “You are going to sell for a lot of money,” she cautioned.

“I’ll pay for it, just keep me safe.”

She nodded and smiled. “Thank you. I owe you. Really big time.” She raised her glass to him.

“I may call that in soon.”

***

Elizabeth paced nervously in her hotel room. It was Sunday night; she had seen Darcy for lunch yesterday but had not managed to see him today. She wanted to call him but didn’t know what to say. She didn’t have any small talk; she just wanted to hear his voice.

She dialed his home number.

“Elizabeth?” he answered. He sounded happy that she had called.

“Hi,” she smiled into the phone.

“Hi,” he smiled back. He was glad that she had called him. He missed her today and wished that he had suggested breakfast.

“How are you?” she asked. He laughed.

“I’m the same as I was yesterday,” he said.

“Not true. You have one more dinner with Caroline under your belt,” she answered. She didn’t mean to sound petulant but it crept in anyway.

“Let’s not talk about Caroline, OK?” he said gently.

“Sorry,” she apologized.

“Did you have a good flight back?”

They chatted amiably for a few more minutes, until he stifled a yawn. It was late and he had been up all day preparing for a trial tomorrow.

“I’ll let you go, you sound tired. I
...
I just really wanted to say goodnight anyway,” Elizabeth said hesitantly.

“Good night, Elizabeth. Thanks for calling,” he said.

“Good night, Will.”

***

“Are you sure playing hard to get is the right thing to do?” Darcy asked Caroline the next day. She was looking through the latest
Vogue
magazine as they had coffee together after work.

“Mmmm?” she replied. “Do you like these boots?” she turned the page toward him and showed him a pair of thigh-high boots.

“They’re very you, Caroline. You should get them.”

“You’re just saying that so I’ll stop asking you about clothes,” she said, frowning.

“Yes. Now answer my question.”

Caroline closed the magazine and put her chin in her hands.

“Playing hard to get is the oldest trick in the book, Darcy. One never wants anything so badly as when one can’t have it.”

“She doesn’t seem to be throwing herself at me yet,” he replied, sipping his latte.

“You’ve only seen her once, she lives in San Diego. Give it a little time. You could feed her little crumbs once in a while, you know. But nothing meaty. Maybe say you like her necklace but don’t tell her she’s beautiful.” She waved her hand in the air expressively.

“I cannot believe that I am taking romance advice from you,” he said, shaking his head.

She smiled. “Darcy, believe it or not, you are the only one who I could never conquer.”

He looked down at his coffee but said nothing.

“Why?” she asked him curiously.

“Why what?”

“Why couldn’t I conquer you?”

He laughed. “I don’t know. I think you’re just too exotic for me. I mean, you fly to Sumatra to buy coffee beans. You dye your own clothes after making your own dye. You have a
tattoo
, Caroline. I can’t keep up with that.”

“What
do
you like?” she said leaning forward, intrigued.

He paused and took another sip of coffee.

“Is this something you really want to hear?” he asked, a little uncomfortable. She nodded. He sighed.

“I like
her
.”

“Her?” she asked, eyebrow raised.

He nodded and sipped his coffee again.

“Care to elaborate?” she asked.

He shrugged. “I can’t explain it, it just is. I like her. Everything about her. The way she smells, her hair, her jokes, the way she moves, the way she laughs. All her imperfections, to me, combine into one perfect whole. I feel like I’m missing something when she’s not here, like I’ve forgot my wallet. Something just isn’t right without her.” He shrugged and self-consciously took another sip of latte.

Caroline sighed. “Who knew you were such a romantic?” she said.

He laughed. “Romantic? Really? I feel like an idiot. She makes me do things I would never dream of doing before I met her.”

“Like what?” Caroline asked, smirking.

“No,” he smiled. “I won’t tell you.”

“Did it involve leather chaps?” she asked slyly.

He laughed and shook his head.

“Pity,” she murmured.

He lifted his eyes up from his coffee cup. “It did, however, involve riding boots and a crop.”

Elizabeth called Darcy three times over the next week, usually simply to chat briefly about their days and to say goodnight. It was making her very nervous that he was not calling her on his own initiative. She was getting daily reports from Jane on whether he was still seeing Caroline and to her dismay he was! But when she spoke with him, he seemed warm and affectionate, if somewhat distant, each time. She was sorely confused and insecure.

They agreed to meet again on Saturday for dinner but when she arrived Friday night she called him. She was disappointed when there was no answer.

“Why don’t you come out with us, we’re just going to have some coffee?” Jane smiled at Elizabeth. Elizabeth shrugged, agreed and asked for a few minutes to change out of her suit. Bingley gave Jane a sly smile and she blushed. He kissed her cheek.

“You are evil,
evil
Janey,” he said. She smirked. A few minutes later Elizabeth reappeared in jeans and a white beaded tunic. She slipped into a pair of sandals and looked expectantly at them.

Bingley ushered them all into the car and drove into town.

“Why are we going all the way into town for coffee?” Elizabeth asked from the back seat.

“It’s our favorite little shop. We discovered it a few weeks ago. It’s got atmosphere. We try to make it every Friday night,” Bingley said looking in the rearview mirror. Elizabeth thought she saw Jane try to hide a smile and rolled her eyes.

“You two are too much,” she said. She toyed with a tendril of hair and watched the streetlights flicker by.

They made their way to the college section of town. Eventually they parked and walked a few blocks to a coffee shop that was just beginning to get crowded. They ordered coffee and found the last three empty chairs and, with some friendly fuss, managed to pull them all together in the same corner.

“This place is busy,” Elizabeth commented.

“It’s the live music night,” Bingley said. He grinned and Jane laughed.
Really, they are both far too giddy in love,
Elizabeth thought. Bingley pointed and directed Elizabeth’s attention to a small area near the window, across the room. Darcy was sitting on a stool with his guitar, talking to Georgiana, who was going over a piece of music with him. He nodded when she pointed something out and then grinned at her. He did not see Elizabeth.

Elizabeth whipped her head back to Bingley and Jane, who both burst out laughing.

“I’ve been away for too long!” Elizabeth laughed.

Another woman joined the duo and they began to play gentle, melodic Irish music with Darcy on guitar, Georgiana on piano, and the lady singing. The singer had a lovely lilting voice that complemented Darcy’s guitar sweetly. Georgiana’s soft piano did nothing to overpower either other component and her backing vocals were subtle and lovely.

Elizabeth sighed.
It’s real. I love him. No doubt about it.

There was a round of polite applause and the trio broke into another song. Three songs later the place was so packed that Elizabeth could barely see them anymore. She heard the singer announce the next song as a two-guitar instrumental and sat while Darcy and the singer played a duet of
‘
The Red Haired Boy,
’
followed by loud applause.

Next there was a piano and vocal piece with no guitar. Darcy sat quietly and watched Georgiana play with overwhelming pride. She was no longer a little girl, not even really his little sister anymore. They were equals, partners in life. If he could never have Elizabeth, he would always have Georgie.

They played for the next hour, with the coffee house reaching absolute capacity. As the strains of their final number faded into the silence, there was a thunder of clapping and whistling from the audience. Several people crowded around the musicians to contribute to the tip jar and compliment them on their work. Elizabeth pushed her way toward them and approached Darcy. She hung back when she saw Caroline approach him but when Caroline retreated for coffee, she advanced. She touched him lightly on the arm and he looked at her with surprise.

“That was beautiful,” she smiled at him.

“I didn’t expect you until tomorrow,” he said as he smiled down at her. Then he looked up. “Georgiana, you remember Elizabeth
Bennet
? You met her in Tahoe. Elizabeth is Jane’s sister,” he said as Georgiana looked up. Georgiana smiled and nodded, approaching.

“Of course, how are you Elizabeth? Will tells me you were transferred to San Diego a while back. How do you like it?”

“It’s very hectic and I can’t wait to come back,” Elizabeth said and ventured a glance up at Darcy. He smiled warmly at her.
There, he does still feel something for me,
she thought.

“You play beautifully, Georgiana,” Elizabeth said. “Will told me that you were a musician but I’m afraid he didn’t tell me how very talented you are.”

“I’m sure I did!” Darcy laughed. “I tell everyone how brilliant she is!” He gave Georgiana a quick hug around the shoulders and released her when she laughed.

“Are Jane and Charley here too?” Georgiana asked, looking around.

“Yes, they’re trapped behind that wall of people. We couldn’t see you at all by the fourth song,” Elizabeth replied.

“It does get ungodly crowded,” Darcy said, looking out at the sea of faces.

“I’m going to go say hello to them,” Georgiana said and began to push through the crowd toward the back.

Darcy looked down at Elizabeth again. “I’m so glad you came,” he said, grinning.

“Busy tomorrow night?” she asked him.

He shook his head.

“Can I take you to dinner?” she asked.

He nodded. She grinned and so did he. To anyone in the room who cared to notice, it was obvious that they were in love. Then Caroline returned.

“Miss
Bennet
, it’s so nice to see you again!” she cried pleasantly. She stood before Elizabeth on her long legs with her skinny hips and her big boobs and handed Darcy a cup. “Here you go, dear.” She took a sip of her coffee and looked back at Elizabeth, smiling politely.

“Are you in town visiting Jane?” she asked, tilting her head to one side. Darcy plastered a smile on his face and tried to keep himself from strangling Caroline. Caroline looked down
-
way down
-
at Elizabeth, who stood a good seven inches shorter than herself
,
especially with Caroline’s new high heeled boots on. Elizabeth nodded and looked way, way up at Caroline.

“Jane and some other people from work,” she said. She looked at Darcy. He was studying his coffee quite intently.

“Darcy plays uncommonly well, doesn’t he?” Caroline said, touching his arm.

“He does. I’ve had the pleasure of hearing him before.”

“Really? He’s improved much in the last few years. Why I remember when all you could play was that dreadful ‘Stairway to Heaven’ that every fifteen year old knows how to play,” she laughed at Darcy.

“Ladies, really, you do me too much honor,” he said. He was acutely uncomfortable standing between his fake girlfriend and his pseudo girlfriend. “Change the topic.”

“The wedding plans are coming along well,” Caroline obliged. Elizabeth looked sharply at Darcy.

“Caroline is helping Jane with her wedding plans,” Darcy interjected. He gave Caroline a look that said
too much!
Caroline shot him a look that said
coward!

“Yes, Jane has excellent taste, if a bit simple for me. But then, there is no accounting for taste, is there?” Caroline said and sipped her coffee, looking at Elizabeth. Darcy squirmed uncomfortably and busied himself by putting his guitar in its case.

“Well, there is certainly no accounting for
bad
taste,” Elizabeth answered. Caroline laughed.

“Too true!” She turned to Darcy. “Shall we go? We have reservations at nine,” she said. Darcy looked up almost apologetically at Elizabeth. She was clearly furious; her cheeks were flushed and she wasn’t saying
anything
. Caroline walked toward the coffee shop door to allow him a moment to say something
,
to throw a crumb
,
to Elizabeth. Darcy watched her walk away and then put his hand on Elizabeth’s arm.

“I’ll call you tonight?” he asked. Her look said
like hell you will
. He sighed. “Tomorrow, then. Come to my place at seven.”

Elizabeth watched them walk out together. She saw Darcy say something earnestly to Caroline; Caroline threw back her head and laughed and put her arm through his. Then they walked down the street together with Darcy throwing one surreptitious glance back toward the coffee shop.

In truth, Elizabeth had not exactly been furious; she had been humiliated. All of her doubts and insecurities came flooding back every tim
e she was reminded that he was ‘
casually
’
seeing Caroline. Who could keep it casual when she had a body like that? Of course he was too polite to break his date on her account but who was she to presume that he even
wanted
to? She resisted the urge to call Lou and make him list all of her attributes. Elizabeth was in a
very
foul mood for the rest of the evening.