The Trouble With Before (15 page)

AFTER MY APPOINTMENT,
Aidan drops me off back at his house, and I hop in my car and head to the grocery store. This time, I get out without any run-ins with my past. I’m able to get enough to fill up the fridge, and with Grams coming back tomorrow, I’m so excited about the stuff she’s going to whip up when she gets back.

As I unload the groceries, I can’t stop thinking about the last time I was in the grocery store and what I told Willa. It’s been almost four days since I saw them, and each time I think of it, I want to smile and cry at the same time, which is why I’ve been trying not to. While I was in California, I thought about her more times than I’d like to admit, but the thoughts were easier to push away. When I called to check on her, I never spoke with her since I thought it’d be easier for her to adjust to living with Will if she didn’t talk to me. Now I can admit that was a lie—not talking to her was easier for me.

I sit at the kitchen table and stare at my phone. I run my hands through my hair and try to think of all the reasons I shouldn’t call him, why it’s better if she doesn’t see me, but I can’t get her face out of my head. I finally bite the bullet and call the number I saved in my phone with just a W. As fast as it’s beating, my heart might as well be on a train. By the third ring, I’m about to chicken out. When I hear his voice, my heart stops completely. Then I remember that he doesn’t have my number and doesn’t know it’s me, because his tone is how it is normally, how it was back before everything happened and he was just Mr. Scott, my best friend’s dad, the man who had generously agreed to tutor me, the guy I had an innocent crush on. Back then, he talked to me with a smile in his voice, the same way he talked to everyone else.

“Hi,” I feel as though it takes all the strength in me to push out one word.

There’s a stretch of silence, then I hear him clear his throat.

“Lisa?” he asks. His voice has changed instantly. It’s gruffer, more restrained, and stiff.

I nod but realize he can’t see me. “Yeah.” I try to relax, but I’m drumming my fingers on the table with my free hand. “I was, um, you said to call, so that’s what I’m doing. I hope it’s a good time—”

“What are you doing here, Lisa?” His tone is cold and like a statement even though he’s asking a question.

It’s expected but throws me off. “I-I just got back.”

“Obviously,” he says shortly.

“I didn’t want to bump into you and her like that . . . I was . . .” I’m at a loss for words, my thoughts a jumbled mess. “I didn’t think. I’m sorry.”

He lets out a long sigh. I wait for him to say something, and when he doesn’t, I rest my head in my hand.

“She asked about you. She’s asked every day since we saw you. Has Lisa called? Is she coming to get me? And I’ve had no idea what to say.”

My stomach drops, and I’m biting my lip so hard I start to taste metal. “I’ve had a lot going on. I didn’t even . . . I’m sorry.”

“You should be. I don’t know what to say to you right now. If you had talked to me directly, before seeing her, I would have told you I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to see her,” he says angrily, and I nod.

“I didn’t think it was either,” I tell him quickly, wiping away the tear in my eye.

“But you told her you would.” His voice is raised and angry, and now I’m confused.

“I don’t know, Will. What do you want me to do or say? Do you want me to see her or not?” I say, feeling my hand shaking.

“What do
you
want? What do you think is best for her?”

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t have left her with you,” I say honestly.

He’s quiet for a moment. “Look, I’m not trying to be cruel. I just . . . when you have a child, you have to think about how your actions affect them.”

I roll my eyes, but I don’t know if it’s directed at him or me. “Have you told her that I’m
not
her cousin?” I’m more nervous to hear the answer than to ask the question.

“No.”

That actually makes me more nervous than if he would have said yes. If they had and she was still so excited to see me, then that would have meant she’s not mad at me, that the fallout had already happened.

“Do you plan on ever telling her?” I ask.

“We’ve had with a lot to deal with. Letting her know that the cousin she adores is actually her mom and the person she knew as her mom is really her aunt was more than we could deal with when you left her.”

“She calls you dad though. How did you explain that?” I say childishly.

“She asked to call me dad.”

“So she doesn’t know that you’re her . . .”

“No. Not now. We figured that it was more important for us to get comfortable together and develop a relationship before tearing down all the delusions she’s had,” he says.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. These are the people who kept Chris in the dark for years, but who am I to tell them what Willa should know or not? After I signed those papers, I agreed to have no say in her life at all. Not that I even think I deserve one, but I’m fighting the urge to point out how keeping secrets and half-truths worked out for his oldest child.

“Well, I plan on being here a little while.”

Silence.

“What’s a little while?” he asks, tension seeping through the phone.

I imagine him rubbing his forehead, a key giveaway that he’s stressed. I let out a small breath and try to think. The doctor’s visit today made my pregnancy all too real. Hearing the doctor say things like options and choices that need to be made was definitely a wake-up call that I can’t sit around and pretend as though this isn’t happening. Then I remember Aidan’s face when he first heard the heartbeat, and the butterfly that used to fly solo seems to have found some friends. I can’t even deal with that right now.

“A few months, maybe a year . . .” I say impulsively.

“What are you doing back here?” he asks suspiciously.

“Do you want me to see her or not?” I ask, unable to deal with anything outside of the purpose of this phone call right now.

“You being here long-term changes things, Lisa,” he says, his voice so low it’s almost like a growl.

“What do you mean?”

“Think about it. It was easier for us to deal with this when you weren’t here, and now all of a sudden, you’re back.”

“A-are you talking about Willa or you?” I say, a hint of sharpness in my voice.

“My
family
,” he says quietly.

He’s talking about Ms. Scott.

“Look, I’m not here to cause trouble or make things any more difficult than they already are. Trust me, I have enough on my own plate.”

“Do you want to see her?” he asks, and my heart skips a beat.

“Yes.”

There’s more quiet.

“Is tomorrow good?” he asks.

“Yeah, it’s great. I can have Aidan pick her up, if that’s easier.”

There’s a brief pause. “Let me know if he can pick her up from school.”

“Sounds good.”

As soon I hang up, I hear the door open. I walk over to the sink and splash water on my face.

“I’ve got tacos! Chicken, steak, and guacamole,” Aidan says triumphantly, his wide smile showing all of his perfect teeth.

“I told you I could buy dinner tonight,” I tell him, a little disappointed.

He waves me off as he passes me with the white greasy bag containing all sorts of deliciousness. “Don’t worry about it. You’re unemployed, and most unemployed people are broke or should be saving.”

“That wasn’t blunt at all,” I say coolly.

“You know me.” He shrugs, unpacking his food.

“I talked to Will,” I tell him before diving into my tacos.

“It’s still so weird to hear you call him
Will
.”

My cheeks heat up. I tell him about the brief, awkward conversation we had, and he looks as if he’s only half listening until I get to the part about Willa.

“Sure, I’ll swing by there and grab her. I miss the little runt,” he says, surprising me.

“You miss her?”

“Yeah, I haven’t seen her in about a week. Remind me I owe her five dollars,” he adds.

I’m really shocked now. “You see her . . . a lot?”

“Yeah, I keep an eye on her when Ms. Red has stuff to do and Mr. Scott isn’t around, and when Grams is gone, that’s who feeds me,” He jokes. “Not Willa, Ms. Red, but she’s already started teaching Willa to cook, so I wouldn’t be surprised . . .”

“Oh,” is all I can say, wondering if I’m doing a good job of hiding my embarrassment. I have no clue what’s been going on in Willa’s or Aidan’s life. It weirds me out that I’m getting this information from Aidan. “How has she been?”

“She’s doing good. She’s a great a kid. Really good at Uno, and spelling apparently. Don’t bet her money on Uno. She’s a tiny card shark.” He laughs, but I can’t seem to even muster up a smile. My stomach feels sort of sick, and my mood has completely plummeted. “Leese, she’s been really happy.”

I nod emphatically. I knew she would be. I knew that Will and Ms. Scott were amazing parents to Chris and I hoped they would be to her, but I can’t stop the feeling gnawing at me. I’ve never felt it before, and I can’t describe it. But since I can’t change our lives, I shake it off and bite into another taco.

My stomach has been on edge all day, nerves shooting through me. I’ve sort of felt sick, but that’s probably due to those crappy prenatal pills I’ve been taking and not the fact that Willa will be here any minute.

I’ve got the Uno cards, the pizza’s ordered, I bought a ton of junk food, and all the princess movies I could find are queued up. I do a full-body shake, trying to literally shake off my nerves. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s not as if I’m meeting her for the first time.

I worked with kids for practically the past five years of my life, but with Willa, it’s always been different. It should be since she’s my daughter—well, not my daughter. I’m her birth mom. Whenever I was around her, I’d always have to remind myself of my role. Not that it was hard. Danni was a great mom, all the things I wish my own mother was. Just the thought of being a mom like Evie made dealing with the little tugs on my heart a whole lot easier.

I’m snapped out of my thoughts when I hear the door shut on Aidan’s truck. Then I hear them laughing and talking. I take a deep breath and open the door to meet them.

“Leese!” she squeals as soon as she sees me, running up the stairs with her blond hair flying.

“Hey, Willa bear,” I say, scooping her up in my arms. “Oh my God, you’re so heavy now.”

Aidan follows her, carrying her pink-and-white book bag. He beams at me.

“I’m not heavy,” she protests with a pout as I put her down.

“I’ve got so much stuff planned for us today. What do you want to do first? Watch a movie? Or do you need help with your homework? Today is all about you!” I tell her as we walk into the house.

“Yay! I only have one sheet today. Afterward, can we play Uno, then watch
Frozen
?”

I glance at Aidan, who gives me an I-told-you-so look.

“Whatever you want!” I tell her. Her excitement is contagious.

I help her with the one page of math homework she has. Turns out she hates math and her favorite subject is spelling, but she’s not really sure if it’s her favorite because she also really likes to read. She tells me about her teacher, Mr. Onlin, who she doesn’t like as much as her teacher the year before, Ms. Grace, and her best friend in the whole world is named Nicole, who she has a sleepover with next week.

We play five games of Uno. She wins all but one, and I have a strong inkling she only let Aidan win because he was being such a crybaby about it. Right now I have three cards, Aidan has two, and from the smug grin on his face, it looks as though he may take this hand. He throws down two Draw Fours and declares Uno. I look at Willa, who frowns and starts to pull from the deck. Then she snatches her hand back and puts down her two Draw Fours triumphantly.

“Uno and out!” she squeals.

I burst into laughter at Aidan’s shocked expression.

“I can’t wait until you’re twenty-one. We’re heading straight to Vegas,” Aidan says, shaking his head in disbelief as she sweeps all of the coins and candy in the pile toward her chest.

“Who taught you how to play this game?” I ask in laughter as she pats Aidan’s hand sympathetically.

“I did!” Aidan says, throwing up his hands.

Willa giggles.

“One more game,” Aidan pleads, and she gives a contemplative look.

“Okay, but for five bucks,” she tells him.

He scoffs but pulls out a five-dollar bill and puts it on the table. I sit out this game and watch them play. Willa pummels him, then we watch
Frozen.
She recites all the words to it while she braids my hair.

“Doesn’t Leese look like Elsa?” she asks as Aidan pretends to be interested in the movie—well, I think he’s pretending. I can’t help but grin that Willa’s started to call me Aidan’s nickname for me.

He glances at me, then back at the movie and squints really hard. “Nah, Leese looks more like Olaf.”

I throw a pillow at him, and Willa joins in, then we’re having a full-on pillow fight, or more like we’re attacking Aidan with pillows. He finally picks Willa up and throws her on the couch. I smack him directly in the face, and before I know it, he’s picked me up and tosses me over his shoulder as if I’m a feather, one arm locking my legs against his chest. I squeal and call to Willa for help. She hits him several times with all her might, and he finally pretends to be defeated, letting me down and flopping on the couch.