The Truth About Fairy Tales (10 page)

             
When Genna ran out of baby talk, I, sensing the conversation was about to turn ugly again, asked Serena if she and Jeff had set the date yet.

             
Serena had allowed her college boyfriend to talk her into accepting his engagement ring just about a year ago, but she’d been hedging around setting an actual date for the wedding for months now.

             
Oh, she loved Jeff. Everyone knew this to be true because it was right there in her eyes whenever he was around. It was just that, well, for a party girl it was hard to let go of the single life once and for all. It was like crossing some adult threshold. You just know your life will never be the same again.

             
“Not yet, but he keeps pushing. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just…” We could all commiserate. We understood, or at least I did. Genna, well, Genna never liked being single. I think she wanted to be married from the day she was born.

             
Just when I spotted another shift in conversation my way, I remembered I had class in, well, in plenty of time to get there, but they didn’t need to know that now, did they?

             
“Oh, guys I’ve got to run. I’m late already. I’ll call you tomorrow and see you both next week, for sure. Same place?” I asked while sliding out of the booth. I watched them shake their head in unison then I congratulated myself at having successfully dodged their questions for another day.

             
Somehow, I got through class without daydreaming about Jackson. I even managed to find my way to work without wrecking my car. I was almost able to get through my shift without considering the fact that he’d never once, not once in all the time I was with him mentioned when he would see me again.

             
I told myself as I drove around the city to clear my head that this was perfect. Just the reality check I needed. I'd let Jackson become too much of a distraction for me lately. I even told myself that I hoped he was out with another one of the women in his rotation cycle. Maybe that was just the wake-up call I needed to get him out of my head and my system once and for all.

             
Yet it didn’t stop me from almost driving by his house.

             
In fact, I was half way there, when I turned my little car around and drove around some more. Apparently, I hadn’t gotten him quite as out of my system as I’d hoped.

             
By the time I finally freed myself of Jackson’s spell, it was late. Actually, it was early morning, which would explain why I was too tired to notice his very car parked outside my apartment building.

             
I was half way up the first set of steps when he called my name and the sound of his voice was so disturbing I almost lost my footing.

             
I turned to see him coming slowly toward me. I couldn’t even begin to understand his expression.

             
“Where have you been? I stopped by your work, the apartment. I even phoned Frank. I was almost ready to contact the cops.”

             
“Why? We didn't have plans for tonight.”

             
“Why?” He shook his head and tried to control his frustration. “Because I was worried about you. Do you realize how late it is?”

             
To cover my happiness at his unhappiness, I tried my own hand at anger. “Well, gees, now you sound like my grandmother. If you wanted to know where I was, you could have called my cell phone.”              

             
That little comment hit the mark I’d hoped.

             
“If you treat your grandmother this way, then I can certainly understand why she’d be worried. And I don’t happen to have your cell phone number—you’ve never given it to me. Now that I know you’re okay, I’ll leave you alone to do whatever it is you’re doing at this hour.”

             
He turned and walked away from me just as I’d been expecting. I knew before me were two choices. I could just let him go and have the out I was so desperately trying to convince myself I wanted or…I could ask him to stay and see what the future held with us.

             
“Wait…Jackson—don’t go.”

             
I don’t know if he actually heard what I said, but he caught the urgency in my voice as he turned back to me. His eyes searched mine, seeing the fear, the resentment -- the uncertainty. I think he understood all of my doubts, because he came back to me.

             
“Can I come in? Just for a little while. I think maybe we need to try talking more instead of…”

             
He picked up my sweet little pooch in his arms, “Why don’t you let me take Sidney for a walk while you change?”

             
Sidney was in seventh heaven. For reasons I couldn’t quite grasp, maybe because they were both male or maybe because they were both…older, I don’t really know, but the two of them were busy bonding like crazy.

             
While I concentrated on changing as fast as I could, I tried consider what might be happening here.

             
“Stop worrying.” Jackson told me from the doorway of my tiny apartment which suddenly seemed far too cramped and definitely too lower class for him.

             
Sidney hobbled off to find his bed for the evening, which just left the two of us.

             
“Why don’t I make some coffee and then we’ll talk.”

             
“About what?” This was the frightened Maggie talking and he knew it because he simply smiled at me.

             
“About you…about me…about us.”

             
I think he sensed I was ready to bolt at any moment and I’m sure I would have had he not taken my hand and almost dragged me to the kitchen.

             
He made the coffee because, well, frankly, I didn’t seem to be able to do much right then.

             
I did manage, however, to set out cream and sugar and a couple of mugs without screwing that up.

             
“You know two people can be together without having to give up their lives, don’t you?” I wasn’t sure which of us he was trying to convince the most that our lives wasn’t going to change if we went any further with this relationship.

             
I was so busy putting up barriers around my heart, reminding myself that whatever this guy felt didn’t matter to me because I had plans of my own that didn’t include him.

             
“Maggie, I’m not asking you to give up your dreams for me.” I glanced at him sitting there next to me looking almost vulnerable and wondered how many of the others he had said those words to.

             
Jackson spent the night with me, but he was gone before I awoke and I didn’t have a clue when he’d left or what it was that he’d been trying to tell me I wouldn’t be  giving up for him.

****

              I’d managed to land my first full weekend away from work in months. It had been so long since I’d had this much free time on my hands that I wasn’t sure what to do with it all. I decided I’d start the day off by finishing off that steamy romance I’d been reading in secret for a while now.

             
That was the plan anyway.

             
Unfortunately, I spent most of the morning drinking too much coffee and going over every single word of what Jackson had said to me last night, looking for hidden meanings that I just knew had to be there.

             
He’d told me two people could be together without giving up pieces of themselves. I took that to mean he wouldn’t be giving up anything for me, especially not the other women in his week.

             
I’d probably just presented a little more of a challenge for him. I wasn’t like the others who’d gone willingly to their fate. I was stubborn, which had forced him to try harder with me.

             
He’d told me he wasn’t asking me to give up on my dreams. I believed he meant he didn’t want to give up his either. We wouldn’t be anything lasting or permanent. I was temporary. A moment of weakness for him.

             
So what were we doing here anyway? I mean, he knew I planned to leave Austin for good before Christmas, because I’d told him more times than I could remember. Were we just having fun? I didn’t much like that thought.

             
It reminded me too much of all the things I’d tried to hide. I decided I couldn’t stand to be reminded of my mother and I certainly didn’t want to be just another number in an endless line of women. I knew for my own protection, and for the safety of my future, I needed to end it with Jackson before things got any more desperate for me.

             
I did what I always do when I’m scared and need to think. When I can’t deal with life. I went to my secret hiding place.

             
Up on the roof of my apartment building, there’s this odd little storage room tucked away in one corner. It's little more than a small closet really. I’m not sure why this space was built in the first place because it went unused, but it was surrounded by windows on three sides and it reminded me somehow of a lighthouse. All of my hiding places of the past had reminded me of that. As a little girl, I’d gotten it in my head that lighthouses were a place of peace and security for me.

             
It was easy for me to envision not the city of Austin below me, but the ocean. At least, what I’d imagined the ocean to be like because I’d never actually been there. I’d never ventured further south than Houston with my mother. All that I remember about those days are the dirty little apartment with the big city noises all around, or the streets that we’d called home for months.

             
It was during those early years of living so close to the ocean that you could smell the salt breeze, that I’d found my first secret hiding place. A small little room much like this one without windows and definitely a whole lot dirtier. But that hadn’t mattered for a little girl frightened and alone with no one to turn to but a junkie mother. For me that place was where I could set my imagination free.

             
Today, I shoved aside all of those unpleasant memories. I was here today to try to understand why I’d let go of all of my stubborn determination for Jackson of all people? I wasn’t really sure if I even liked Jackson.

             
I spent hours trying to reconcile my feelings for Jackson, but I was no closer to doing so than when I’d first arrived.

             
So when all else fails, the one thing that always works is to talk to my sensible grandmother.

             
I decided this could only be accomplished by seeing her face to face. I packed for the weekend, gathered all of Sidney’s stuff, then left without a single word to anyone.             

I didn’t even get to the outskirts of town when the man that I’d spent all morning long worrying about called my phone.

              “You’re not at home, you’re obviously not in class, and Frank tells me you’re off for the whole weekend. What are you doing? Running away?”

             
I couldn’t think of anything to say. After all, that was exactly what I was doing. In my silence, I knew he’d guessed just how close he’d come to the truth.

             
“You weren’t going to tell me anything about this, were you? You were just going to disappear into thin air, is that it?” I could almost believe there was hurt in his voice, but I decided I had to be mistaken. Not Jackson Riley. My imagination must be working overtime, because there was no way he could be hurt by any woman. He’d never let them get that close.

             
“Look,” he added to my silence. “When you decide what you want, why don’t you let me know? Until then, I’ll just leave you alone.”

             
He hung up on me without waiting for my answer, not that I had one for him.

             
I didn’t go home that day. Didn’t go to Santa Anna. I drove around for hours much like the previous night, but this time I was crying. I believed I’d gone too far with him. I’d deliberately been trying to push him away and I’d succeeded.

             
It was late when I stopped my car in front of his house. I wasn’t sure why I’d come there, because I still didn’t have an answer for him. Hearing the finality in his voice earlier had made me realize I didn’t want to let him go either. I didn’t know where he fit into my life and I certainly didn’t know where I fit in his world, but I finally got it: I wanted to figure it out.

             
I walked up to his door with Sidney in my arms, not really sure what I could say to make him understand how frightened I was of losing him.

             
When Jackson opened the door and saw me there, I couldn’t read any of his former happiness in his eyes. Had I finally pushed him too far? This man could have his pick of women and did have according to Ben. What did he need with a screwed up girl like me?