The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio (26 page)

When a Little Pain Is Nice

You’ve probably heard people refer to things that “feel so good they almost hurt,” and the phrase “hurts so good” has managed to linger in our collective consciousness for, well, since I was a kid. That’s because the concepts of pleasure and pain are like twin pups in the human catalog of emotion and sensation; they’re separate animals but often like to play together. In sex, the pleasure and pain lines mingle often, and in ways we aren’t always aware of. Grabbing and squeezing your lover can easily give way to pulling, pinching, biting, and scratching—in small portions or stronger doses, depending on urge and response. The stronger the urge to, say, pull hair, and the more erotic and pleasurable the response, the more force will be applied. We humans love to up the ante in sex, and when we’re blissed out on hormones, endorphins, and lust, we can easily add a little pleasurable pain to the mix.

Squeezing his thighs or ass a little harder than usual when you’re giving him a blow job isn’t out of the ordinary, but if you’re planning on doing much more than that you’ll need to learn about what you’re doing, and make sure it’s okay before you proceed. Intense sensations during sex are to be negotiated beforehand. Consult chapter 1, “More Than a Mouthful,” about talking to your lover, and reference the book suggestions in chapter 12, “Independent Study,” for further guidance.

The threshold of mingling pleasure with pain can be crossed in a variety of guises. The two of you may have decided that that you want to add pain into fellatio as if it were a sex toy, and simply experiment with techniques and toys. Or, it could be that you have a fantasy scenario in mind in which one of you is dominant and the other submissive, and some spanking or rough play fuels the fantasy’s fire. You could be a teacher, and he the naughty pupil who gets a spanking and then some oral sex. Perhaps you just want to play the dominant woman or man, and take rough surveys of his nipples, cock, and balls as you fellate him. He may simply enjoy the way pain adds to the feeling of getting head; or perhaps one particular thing pushes him over the edge, such as nipple biting upon orgasm, and role-play or fantasy don’t enter into it at all. Pain, as a sex toy, can be shaped to fit your own personal sex style.

My girlfriend and I sometimes like to play rough, where I overpower and dominate her in various ways. One thing we both like is when I grab her in the hallway or someplace, and push her down to her knees, and hold her hair tightly as I push my penis into her mouth. She knows I won’t push farther than she can take, but she also likes the feeling of being mock-forced to suck me.

You have several options literally at your fingertips when you want to increase the pleasure/pain volume during fellatio. You have the choice of breaking from the action and doing things to other parts of his body, such as lightly spanking his thighs or ass, or you can suck and give him little bites on his ass, stomach, chest, or nipples. Some men really enjoy having their nipples roughly stimulated when they’re close to orgasm. You can scratch him with your fingernails anywhere that’s pleasurable, but refrain from ticklish areas unless he’s one of those rare guys who get off on being tickled. When administering pain, and blending it with pleasure, be sure to give him almost what he wants, then back off and make him want it, bad. Don’t go for the intense sensations right away; go lighter than he wants, then give him a little more.

His penis can be given little bits of painful stimulation that you can alternate with pleasurable cocksucking techniques. Some men like just a little pain here and there on their penis; a few may like continuous pain. His cock can be squeezed with your hand and sucked roughly, and the skin can be pinched or pulled. If you know it’s okay with him, you can play around with your teeth on his penis, lightly running them around the head or along the shaft. Some men enjoy having their penis spanked lightly, but don’t miss and hit his balls—unless you know explicitly that this is okay with him. Cup his cock in your hand or have it pointed upward, flat on his stomach. His balls are right there, waiting to be squeezed, pulled, pinched, or constricted. Never slap or spank his testicles, or constrict them with too much pressure or force, or it will become the wrong kind of pain, the pain that stops the fellatio. Watch his nonverbal reactions, or check in with him by asking specific questions. Don’t ask if something is “okay,” because that word can mean anything. Ask if he wants it harder, softer, or tighter, if he wants more pinch or less movement, or if he wants you to stop.

Pausing from the blow job, you can apply clamps or clips to his body parts, or specifically his penis and testicles, to elicit a low-level, continuous hum of pain as you give him head. Apply clips to any area where you can pinch enough skin for the clamp—use common sense and don’t try to put a clamp on a flat area or an area where it’s difficult to get some skin between your fingers. Clamps and clips deliver concentrated pinching sensations to the body part they’re applied to, and they pinch at first, then turn into a steady buzz of pain; then, when you take them off, sensation rushes to the area and there’s a burst of intense pain. Get to know the pain cycle of clips by trying one on yourself, in a sensitive area like the inside of your arm, and you’ll see that while they hurt going on, they hurt much more coming off. You can use this knowledge to time the sensations with your oral overtures, or with his pleasure cycle.

Little clamps can be purchased practically anywhere, from an S/M boutique to a stationery store. Clamps and clips made specifically for S/M play are best for sex. These have already been designed for sexual purposes, taking into consideration that they might be going onto sensitive areas or thin skin. Small clips are usually plastic with a spring that you pinch open, though you can also find metal versions. Even though a clip may be small, it can be pretty mean, because it concentrates the pain in one small area. Medium to large clips can be plastic or metal, even similar to the clips you’d use to keep a bag of potato chips fresh. Make sure that the ends of any metal clamps are padded or encased in rubber, and that any clips you use do not have teeth.

Wooden, plastic, and specialty metal clothespins fall into the “mean” category. Clothespins are intense. Be sure to always test each clothespin before you use it, as they have differing intensities depending on how tight the spring is. You can lessen the pinch by forcing the spring open slightly with a pair of pliers. Nipple clamps often have a way to adjust the pressure, such as a slide ring on tweezers, or a tightening screw on alligator clamps. These are fun because you can vary the pressure on whatever part of him you have clamped—for instance, you can increase pressure by tiny increments as arousal increases. Limit the time you keep the clip on; you should take them off after fifteen to thirty minutes to avoid tissue damage.

Pain, Pain, Don’t Go Away

Should you find that you and the man you’re going down on really like playing with pain during fellatio, that it really turns you both on and increases his pleasure, arousal, and orgasm, there are plenty of ways to safely push the pain a little further. Cock and ball play—or CBT, cock and ball torture—can be intensely pleasurable to a man who enjoys erotic pain in the sensitive, nerve-rich area of his genitals. It can be in any context: punishment, humiliation, reward, torture, a meaningful ordeal or ritual, or just part of hot sex. You should first discuss any type of sex play in which you will be inflicting pain on his genitals. Be absolutely clear about what is “good” pain to him and what constitutes “bad” pain. Find out what he likes about it; ask specific questions, and make sure to agree on specific thing that he wants you to do to him. This is called
negotiation
—you’re negotiating desires, activities, and most important, limits. Decide on a
safe word
—a word that he will say when he absolutely wants you to stop.

There are different ways you can administer pain, and you can vary the levels of pain as well. Types of stimulation include friction, pressure, pinching, slapping, constriction, spanking, flogging, piercing, and more—and you can use these in a plethora of ways. Your spanks on his penis or buttocks can get harder, faster, stingier. You might bring in a toy like a leather or rubber slapper and alternate sucking and spanking. You can lightly whip his balls with a small flogger, and you can whip his penis even harder. Small floggers will help you avoid injury to his testicles; you can use larger (medium-sized) ones on his penis. Your bites can linger longer, press a little harder (but no breaking the skin, please). Pinches on nipples can seem endless, or they can come off with a twist—and so can clamps.

Clips and clamps can be played like piano keys with your fingers—and the sounds he makes might be music to your ears, even if they are not on key. When the clips are on and you’re fellating him, you can give him bursts of pain (reminding him that the clips are there) by simply touching them, pulling on the surrounding skin, or flicking them with your fingers. Pulling and twisting hurts even more. If you put clips on his penis or testicles, you don’t have to avoid them during your blow job; lick and suck on the clips, or fellate his cock, clips and all. You can wrap rubber bands around larger clips to make them tighter or to pull several together. Lay a piece of thin cotton or nylon rope under a row of clips, and pull on one end of the rope as you would on a zipper, removing the clips slowly or in one blindingly painful zip. You can also rig ropes and clips to small fishing weights, available where fishing supplies are sold.

You can use a pinwheel, the device doctors use to determine nerve response, everywhere except his penis, testicles, and anal opening. This sinister-looking and very painful medical instrument consists of an 8-inch handle, with a small stainless steel rolling wheel at one end that has very sharp pin pricks. When the wheel is rolled lightly over skin, it leaves a trail of sharp pain and a fiery sensation in its wake. This dastardly device is handy for use during fellatio, but be sure to have half your mind on his cock and the other half on the wheel, making sure you roll it lightly to avoid piercing the skin too deeply. And don’t share your pinwheel with other partners, unless you have access to hospital sterilization.

Cock rings shouldn’t hurt when they’re on, but they can be made to, and you can find ones that are made for pain rather than constriction. Rings can be tightened, or layered one on top of the other to up the ante. Some cock rings have steel D-rings on them, allowing you to attach a fishing weight or a leash; fishing weights should be gently lowered with your hand, and leashes should never be yanked on. Ball stretchers, cock and ball vises, ball stocks, ball separators, and combination cock ring/ball “torture” devices can all be found at specialty S/M boutiques, especially ones that cater to gay men. These toys will bring out the Inquisitor in you, and ideally the delighted moans of pleasurable pain from him, but they should be used only by experienced players. Consult the book recommendations in chapter 12, “Independent Study,” for books that explain safe exploration of CBT.

Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down: Bondage

Using restraint during oral sex can heighten the tension of your session, literally! Whether you’re into bondage or not, rope, handcuffs, leather cuffs, or anything you use to restrain someone can immobilize arms, legs, or an entire body while fellatio is being performed. Some people like the physical feeling of being tied up more than anything, and find that straining against ropes or struggling to move their arms or legs when they are about to explode sends them through the roof. Having one of you tied up can enhance one partner’s sense of helplessness—or the other one’s feeling of power. He might find that having his cock sucked when you’re in total physical control of him makes his orgasms more powerful, and he might enjoy playing victim to your inner sexual predator. Or, you may enjoy being tied up yourself, while he “makes” you please him orally. Either partner might find that their arousal is enhanced by being restrained.

In other parts of this book I’ve touched briefly on master/slave and dominant/submissive contexts for fellatio, and the unique ability of oral sex to slip into many molds, many scenarios. When the receiver is dominant, ordering his partner to give him head strengthens his role as a master or top. And the reverse may be equally true: when you go down on him, it might be a pleasure you dole out as a dominant, a reward for good behavior, or to prolong erotic torture in which you never give him enough of what he needs. He may relish the feeling of being able to relax and let you take over, or in reverse, his controlling your mouth and telling you what to do may be the type of “letting go” that gets you off. This type of role-play takes fellatio to another level, deepening the experience with a mixture of power and devotion.

Don’t confine your efforts to controlling his limbs; investigate the world of possibilities afforded by sight restriction. So simple, yet so effective, a blindfold can be used on its own or in combination with any of the other techniques in this book to create an oral sex experience he won’t forget. A blindfold takes away his sight, making him depend on you more for sensory information, heightening his awareness of his physicality, making him helpless and hyperaware at the same time. Because he can’t see what you’re up to, it gives you extra room to relax, knowing that he’s both unsteady and unable to watch you.

Take my advice and buy an actual blindfold. Don’t bother with scarves, ties, or silky undergarments, even when improvisation might be sexy. Blindfolds made specifically for sex fit better and more comfortably, and they restrict sight more reliably. Many are padded or have fake fur inside, and have wide elastic straps or are adjustable for the comfort of the wearer. Improvised items may become painfully tight or uncomfortable, or loosen and slip, coming off at inopportune moments. Plus, you don’t want to be worrying about the blindfold when you’re concentrating on his cock, and you don’t want him left with blurry vision or a headache—you want him hungry for more of what you’re giving him.