The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio (4 page)

The idea of having your face between their legs might make some men anxious. Before you open the discussion, you’ll want to read up on the fears and issues that men face in chapter 3, “For Him.” If you can get a handle on what might be bothering him before you open the discussion, you can listen more sympathetically, knowing a little bit about what could be on his mind.

When Your Lover Is Reluctant

When you want to give your sweetie sexual pleasure and he’s reluctant, nonresponsive, or seems unsure, it can be a little deflating—and confusing. Understanding why he is hesitant or where this hesitation might be coming from is important if you want to reverse any negative sexual messages he might be dealing with. There are a number of reasons why your lover might be hesitant, and sexual shame is a biggie. No matter how you were raised, you most certainly learned on one level or another that sex is “bad,” were made to feel that you should have a “perfect” body, and were taught that genitals are “icky.” Through advertising, pop culture, and conservative religious and social mores, our culture repeats to us over and over that we should be ashamed of our bodies, our sexual selves, afraid of expressing natural, healthy sexuality.

Many people consider oral sex to be more intimate than intercourse. Some men might find that having you up close and personal with their penis magnifies worries, concerns, and insecurities. He might worry about how he looks, how he compares, how he might taste or smell, or if he will have a trustworthy erection. Some guys feel unsettled by the intimacy of being in your mouth and your ability to watch his reactions; even the sheer closeness of the act might make them nervous. Some men just don’t like their bodies and won’t want you to get a close look. These are all very good reasons why he might be apprehensive about having you go down on him. Be sensitive, and ask questions gently in hopes of creating a space in which your partner will feel safe to open up about his hesitancy. Trust takes time to build, even in long-term relationships, but he may eventually come to love his genitals, sex, and intimacy as much as you do.

If he’s partially open to the idea but still hesitant, try engaging in foreplay (such as male genital massage; for more on this see chapter 6, “Before You Go Down”) up to his threshold of comfort, and then switch to a sexual activity that’s comfortable for both of you. Next time you try, go up to that point and a little past it, slowly easing up to fellatio. If his anxiety stems from issues with cleanliness, taste, or smell, you can romantically shower or bathe together beforehand. If it seems appropriate and you’re both turned on, initiate oral sex in the shower. If he’s uncomfortable with his genitals being in your mouth, it’s a good idea to keep a wet washcloth at your bedside, because he probably won’t want to be kissed after getting head. If you know he’s uncomfortable about body size or how his body looks in general, plan your seduction by romantic candlelight or use lowered ambient light—or the two of you can stay partially clothed during sex.

A concern among some men is that they’ll lose their erection during fellatio, which is the worst possible moment—when he knows you’re trying to give him pleasure, and you’re watching him. Let him know that you understand the rising and falling of the male pleasure cycle, and just enjoy having him in your mouth. Many men really enjoy having their soft penis lovingly kissed, sucked, and cradled in a warm mouth, so you can continue to fellate him if he becomes soft. It feels great to him—having an erection isn’t required to have hot sex. Penises don’t stop receiving pleasure when they’re not hard, and neither do their owners! Tell him that you don’t care if he’s hard during your pleasure play, as long as he’s involved. Or tell him you’re orally fixated, and he’s helping you quit smoking! But seriously, this issue can nag even the most sexually confident man, and it’s your responsibility to tell him that your goal is simply shared pleasure. Let him know that if he gets hard and orgasms, that’s great, and if not, it’s just as great—you’re making love to the man, not the body part. Do what you can to ease any pressure he may be feeling about “getting it up,” and he’ll be able to enjoy what you’re doing for his own sake. Talk to him about this: great lovers ask questions, lousy lovers don’t.

Trying New Things

If you want to perform fellatio and never have before, you’re going to be adding a new dimension to your sexuality. If you’re in a relationship and are interested in trying it, you’re adding a new sexual behavior to your routine. Or fellatio may already be part of your lovemaking, but one of you wants it to change. Adding new sex practices or tailoring existing ones to heighten the experience of sex can be a lot of fun—or it can be a nerve-wracking experience.

The important thing to consider when adding any new sexual technique to your repertoire is where your goals lie. Are you interested in increasing intimacy, or do you just want to get off? Is your goal to establish trust, or to have an evening of arousing, teasing sexual play? Is it orgasm, foreplay, affection, or fun you’re after? Regardless, you’ll want to make your main goal to have fun, be close, and deeply lust after your lover. If you’re hot for what you’re doing to him, he’ll be able to tell, no matter what oral technique you’re trying to perfect. And if he’s feeling your heat for what you both are doing, then you’ve got yourself a peak erotic experience in the making.

CHAPTER 2

The Anatomy of a Man’s Pleasure

Is seems so simple, doesn’t it? What guys like, that is. To the casual observer, male genital physiology is but one step away from “tab A into slot B.” But that’s a misconception—in fact, there’s a lot more going on down there than meets the eye. When we think of pleasing our male partners, we think it’s easy to do. Sometimes that’s true, but when you discover just how much pleasure he’s capable of receiving, you’ll want to leave the easy stuff to the amateurs.

Appearance and Pleasure Physiology

Men’s genitals are as unique as a face or a fingerprint. But though there are infinite variations, what you will generally encounter when you unzip his fly is a penis (circumcised or not), a scrotal sack containing two testicles, and pubic hair that usually covers the mound over the pubic bone, the base of the penis, the testicles, and the perineum (from the base of the balls to the anus). The skin on the pubic mound, the perineum, and the anus is similar in texture to the skin on the rest of his body, but usually a different shade. It deepens and changes in color as it reaches the base of the penis and the scrotum. The darker skin is softer and thinner than the skin on the rest of his body.

Illustration 2. Internal Anatomy (Front View)

We’ll begin with the front and work our way back. Penises come in a variety of shapes and sizes. The range of sensation is also different for each man and depends on various factors—so rule number one is that you can’t predict anything based on the way a penis looks. The base of the penis sprouts from the pubic mound, which is usually covered with hair—it can be thick as a forest, or thin and barely there. The skin covering the pubic bone (or pubic mound) is generally fleshier than any of the skin surrounding it, and the mound is where the skin begins to deepen in color as it meets the base of the penis. The shaft of the penis begins just below the pubic bone and continues internally almost all the way to the anus.

Nature loves variety, and men’s penises are no exception. Penises come in more shapes, sizes, and variations than words can communicate—though there certainly has been a lot written about them. The skin covering a man’s penis is almost always darker in tone than the skin everywhere else (though sometimes it’s lighter), and it’s more smooth in texture. Colors can range from the lightest pink to the deepest chocolate and anywhere in between. The color at the tip, also called the
head,
or
glans,
will generally differ from the rest of the penis, especially his circumcision scar (if he has one), and penises are seldom the same color all over. They also vary greatly in size, both in flaccid (soft) and erect (hard) states. The size of a man’s soft penis is not a reliable gauge of his erect state—again, you can’t tell just by looking. Shapes are yet another variable: he can be thick at the base and slender at the tip, wide from top to bottom, with a wide head but slender in girth, or any number of combinations, each of which is perfectly normal. The color, size, and shape of a man’s penis has nothing to do with how he responds to stimulation—or what type of lover he is.

The penis is essentially a long shaft, or tube, that ends at the tip with the urethral opening, where urine and ejaculate (sperm or “come”) leave the body. Inside the penis, the urethra continues as a long tube through the center of two other larger tubes of spongy erectile tissue, whose proper names are
corpus cavernosum
and
corpus spongiosum
. When arousal triggers an erection, these tissues fill with blood, hardening the shaft and head of his penis. However, an erection does not always indicate whether a man is aroused; he can be perfectly, happily aroused and remain unerect.

At the tip is where you’ll find the head, or glans. The head has the largest concentration of nerve endings in the penis, and it can be very responsive to stimulation—sometimes extremely sensitive to touch (especially after orgasm). Always ask your partner what level of stimulation works for him at any given time with the head of his cock, because his preference levels will change throughout the pleasure cycle. The head is often bulbous—anywhere from slightly to quite pronounced. If he’s uncircumcised, in its soft state the head will be covered in a thin jacket of skin called a
foreskin.
As his penis becomes aroused, the glans will harden and emerge. In North America, most infant boys are circumcised, a process in which the foreskin is removed after the bundle of joy is delivered.

Beneath the head of his cock is usually the most sensitive part, which some men claim is their “sweet spot,” the spot they really enjoy having touched when they’re aroused. This spot can range in location from just at the urethral opening to farther down the underside of the shaft, where the circumcision scar lies. On an uncircumcised man, this spot runs along the same area, beneath the tip of the cockhead, from the urethral opening (underside) to approximately where the inner skin of the foreskin’s hood meets the outer skin of the penis.

Cut or Uncut?

Most American men have circumcised penises, meaning that the foreskins were removed from their penises shortly after they were born. The foreskin, which they no longer have, is a thin jacket of skin that covers the head tightly, like a wetsuit, with an opening that allows urine to leave the body. When an uncircumcised man is aroused, his cock stiffens and the head swells, emerging from under the hood of the foreskin, which often—but not always—retracts.

On an “uncut” penis, the outer surface of the foreskin consists of skin similar to that on the rest of the penis. Inside the foreskin is an inner layer of very sensitive, moist mucosal tissue, similar to the skin of the inner labia in women. Connecting the foreskin to the penis is the
frenulum,
which is where the foreskin is cut away during circumcision. When aroused and stroked by a hand, a mouth, or anything else pleasurable, the foreskin is mostly retracted but slides up and down pleasurably on his frenulum, a sensation many men consider exquisite.

Some people are nervous about going down on uncircumcised men. Most of this anxiety comes from not understanding what’s different about having a foreskin—if you have not seen an uncut penis before, it might look different from most others you have encountered and even appear to respond differently. If your partner is uncircumcised and you have concerns about how to stimulate him, ask. He’s probably been asked before; even if he has not, he would probably love the chance to tell a lover who cares enough to ask exactly how he likes to be touched. Another concern people might have when first encountering a foreskin is cleanliness—how do guys get it clean in there? Most uncircumcised men learned at an early age how to pull back the skin in the shower and apply soap and water. But if you’re really worried, then suggest a shower together, and you can delight him with your inquisitive and arousing washing techniques.

The Testicles

Underneath the penis is where we find the scrotal sack, containing the testicles (or testicle—not all men have a pair). These are the “balls.” Their wrinkly, fleshy container, the
scrotum
(or scrotal sack), hangs attached at the base of his penis and can be the same color as the penis or darker in tone. With rare exceptions, the testicles are usually covered with a lighter covering of hair than the pubic bone, yet they can sometimes be just as furry. Most men’s testicles hang unevenly; one is usually lower than the other. According to a 1996
Men’s Health
survey of over 2000 readers, in 85 percent of men the left testicle is the lower one.