The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (12 page)

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Sometimes being upfront about my disability can mean taking a risk, and it's disappointing when that person makes a decision not to maintain contact, but I'd rather not have to always second-guess if someone is going to be able to handle it, and I'd rather know right away.

I hear other women speak of sexual objectification by men, but that's not usually something I encounter. Most men seem to see me as asexual or "one of the guys." That was harder for me to deal with when I was single and in the "dating market." Of course, if a guy couldn't see me as a full human being, sexuality and all, I knew he was a jerk that wasn't worth my time."

We have to consider our emotional state when deciding when to disclose. You don't want to let someone know about your disability on a day when your cat's in the hospital, the government is harassing you, and your favorite plant just died. You may also want to consider how the other person is going to take the information in. While it's not our responsibility to cater to nondisabled people's phobias about disability, it's good to remember that it takes everyone time to adjust to any kind of difference. People with an acquired disability already know this and may be able to relate a little. It may be harder to imagine for people who have always lived with their disability. Considering this may simply mean disclosing in a way that makes a potential partner feel they can take some time without appearing to be the cruel monster. If a relationship is going to work, everyone involved has to be able to communicate without fear of being judged quickly. There is a big difference between someone saying, "I'm afraid of what it means that you're disabled" and someone saying, "I can't imagine ever being in relationship or having sex with someone who is disabled." The latter comment is so often expressed, and the first so seldom, that it's easy to confuse the two.

Trying not to make assumptions about other people's knowledge or comfort levels is hard, but vital to establishing a relationship. Disability adds an extra dimension, making negotiations almost like being in a cross-cultural relationship. It's not that we and the person we're with are

so fundamentally different. We both have feelings, experiences, thoughts, and fears. It's the individual experiences that are different, and the ways we communicate about them.

Although the responsibility is shared, we shouldn't take a balance sheet approach to relationships. It doesn't help if one person starts adding up all the things they do. Maybe he (or she) does most of the cooking, or most of the financial dealings, and then when it is time to talk about sex, he may take the attitude that he does all these other things, so it's not fair to expect him, at the end of his long day, to actively engage in a conversation about sex. This may be just a way of avoiding talking about sex, or it may be an expression of resentment that they have to do so much.

/ keep feeling that I probably shouldn't be asking for the help I want, that I should really be doing it myself, and that maybe I don't deserve a pain crisis where I can't get from my bed to the bathroom, but other people don't deserve to have me as their responsibility I get caught up in self-recrimination. I blame myself for not doing enough, but find myself with no reliable idea of what I can really do. And the consequences of overdoing can be so disastrous, that I just can't push myself the way I normally do. The fear really is paralyzing.

In a sexual relationship where one partner needs more assistance than the other, and that other partner takes responsibility for providing assistance, it can become an excuse to avoid a conversation they simply don't want to have. "I'm not going to talk about being cold to you in bed, I have to go do the laundry." "I don't want to talk about oral sex, I need to get you undressed and help you into bed."

Relationships aren't balance sheets. Doing the dishes and talking about our sexual fantasies aren't linked (unless you have sexual fantasies about doing the dishes!). A sexual relationship won't work well if people aren't willing to talk to each other. What is usually happening in these situations is that one partner doesn't want to talk about sex because of their discomfort with the topic, but they use the disability as an excuse.

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Everyone involved needs to be vigilant about this. If one person is really doing too much assistance, then work on that problem. Can you get a PCA? Can you schedule a sex talk for when no one needs to help anyone with anything?

Timing

It's a good idea to plan some private time just to talk about sex. Ideally we talk about sex before starting a sexual relationship. Talking about safer sex, birth control, and whatever other information (positioning, bowel and bladder routines) you think you need to share is not always a sexy experience. True, it can be informative and fun, but having it during a moment of intimacy can be distracting and a turn-off.

/ remember once insisting on having the "sex talk" right before we were going to have sex. / wanted to talk about condoms and find out if she used another kind of birth control. The conversation took an unexpected turn and she told me if she ever got pregnant by accident she would have the baby. I was only twenty-two at the time and there was no way I was ready to be a father. After the conversation we started fooling around, and even though I thought she was totally hot, and the rest of me was very turned on, I couldn't get an erection at all. I think my body had heard what she said and got very scared off. After that I learned to time the "sex talk" a little differently!

Take Initiative and Practice

Seizing the initiative and making your interest known is very hard, but somebody's got to do it. Because none of us feel that comfortable talking about sex, we get quite good at avoiding it. A nondisabled person may live a lifetime without talking about sex honestly. So if we want to get some, we may have to start the conversation. Consider practicing. Practice with a friend, practice with yourself in front of a mirror. If you're

going to communicate verbally it's good to choose what words you're most comfortable with and practice getting the words out. If you're going to do it nonverbally, practice whichever way you communicate. Type out an email ahead of time and go through it. Figure out what you want to say in your head first and then be creative about how to communicate it in a conversation. This book can be an ideal conversation starter. Simply by having it around (since you've already got a copy, we can say this without its seeming like a marketing scheme!) you are letting people around you know that you are interested in sex, interested in thinking and talking about it, and you may be interested in having it (we don't want to be presumptuous).

Flirting

What I worked out is that attraction and flirtation is the greatest game of tease and bluff and that anyone with a good sense of humor, dressed attractively, and out for fun will get their hands — or in my case hand — on just about anyone they want. The perfect body is only important to shallow twats that no one but other shallow twats want anyway I don't know whether I ever would have worked this out if it hadn't been for my best buddies in my youth theater days.

I love to flirt. It gives me this feeling of being noticed and makes me feel energized. I flirt with lots of people of both sexes (I'm not bisexual). It is a great way to pass time and sometimes it does lead to something interesting. I can flirt without getting involved, but I can't get involved without flirting.

What Is Flirting?

You're flirting when you make a playfully romantic or sexual overture to someone you're interested in. There are a couple of key points in this definition. First: Flirting is supposed to be playful—it shouldn't be tor-

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ture. While it may take some time to warm up to how much fun it can be for you, keep this in mind: Sooner than you think, you'll be having a ball regardless of whether the person you're interested in feels the same way. Second: Flirting can be about romance, sex, or just fun, depending on what your goals are: All you have to do is learn how to communicate these goals clearly with others. Once you get going in the wonderful world of flirting, you'll find your own truth within it. We asked a few expert flirters to share some tips with us.

Be You

Don't try to be someone you're not—after all, if you try to be someone else to get a date, sooner or later the other person will figure it out. Instead, focus on being proud and pleased with the kind of person you are now, and communicating that to those around you. Most of all, make sure you're in a good mood when you're getting ready to go out flirting. The best flirts have a strong sense of fun and are playful, adventurous, and incredibly curious about those around them.

Be Bold

Don't be afraid to make the first move! You'd be amazed at how relieved most folks are to have someone else do it—remember, you're not the only one who's shy. Try practicing on folks you're not romantically or sexually interested in but whom you encounter on a daily basis, just to get used to making small talk with strangers. Next time you're in line at the bank, say, "Nice tie" or "I really love your haircut" to the person ahead of you. Most of all, be sincere—people can spot insincerity a mile away. Remember that flirting is a skill like any other, so it takes a while to get good at it—and different things work with different people.

Be Involved

Feel as though you don't know anybody to flirt with? That you only see the same people all the time, and you already know you aren't interested in dating them? You can flirt with anyone; it's good practice. So get out there and get busy meeting new folks. Think about what you enjoy doing

and try doing it in a more social setting. For example, if you like painting, take some art classes at your local community center, or if you like team sports join a local recreational team. Remember, the more people you meet (and therefore flirt with) the more likely you are to meet one whom you'll want to take home with you.

Be Noticeable

Many of us have spent a lot of our lives trying or even expecting not to be noticed by those around us. Well, when you're on a flirt hunt it's time to get out the flirting props! Put some jazzy bumper stickers on your chair, wear a slogan T-shirt or something that invites those around you to comment on it or engage you in conversation. After all, shy folks need a reason to talk to you—might as well give them one.

Be Clear

Flirting can be just nonserious practice flirting, or it can be headed down romantic or sexual avenues. That means you need to be clear before you head into possible flirting situations about what you do—and don't— want. Looking for a fun, ego-building exchange with someone else? Looking for sex? A date? A new friend? What your goals are will affect the signals you send, as well as the responses you get.

Be Approachable

While it's not a bad idea to go out with friends you feel comfortable with on a flirt hunt, since you're a lot more likely to be your own vivacious best self, it's also important that you not be constantly in their company. If your friends surround you all the time it's a lot harder for someone to approach you. Make sure you have time both with and away from your group of friends, so you can spend more time looking at those around you for lovely prospects and also so that anyone who's been checking you out has a better chance of getting next to you.

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Be Polite

Given that rejection is a normal part of any flirting process, it's important to treat those who approach us the way we'd like to be treated if we were to take the risk of being first to break the ice. After all, interest is a compliment, and deserves to be treated as such. A polite but clear "Thank you, that's very sweet of you, but no" is more than appropriate in any situation.

Be Interested

Once you've established contact with someone, it's always good practice to focus on asking them open-ended questions about themselves. It gives you a chance to hear a bit about how they think about things and what they like to do with their time—all important information for you in terms of deciding just how interested you are. And whatever you do, don't fall into the common trap of ignoring the people you're interested in out of your worry that you'll find out they aren't interested in you. Remember that rejection is all part of the process, and it's not necessarily personal. So if you see someone who looks interesting to you, don't be so afraid of rejection that you never take a chance—smile at them! After all, you're not declaring your undying love, you're just letting them see you've noticed them and are pleased with what you see.

Be Sensitive

Some folks are space invaders, so that even when they don't know you that well they are much more physically close, or in your space, than is comfortable for you. Others seem really distant, and even cold, no matter how well they know you. Each individual person has a different sense of personal space, or amount of physical room they want in an exchange with someone else. It's also true that the amount of space folks prefer is affected by culture and practice, as are other means of physical signaling like eye contact or touching the person you are with while talking. Try to take your cue from the person you're with—learning to be sensitive to their boundaries will go a long way toward their wanting to keep talking to you and greatly increases the odds you'll get somewhere with them.

Be Honest

Don't agree to give someone your phone number out of pity, or not wanting to hurt their feelings. If you're polite about your refusals, you've done as much as you need to, no matter how pulled you are to "take care" of them. While you may feel mean doing it, it's actually more likely to hurt them if you pretend to be interested when you're not, as their hopes would actually get even higher that the two of you might end up dating. After all, wouldn't you rather know right away if someone isn't interested? That way you can get on with flirting with someone who is.

Communicating Without Privacy

We all do quite a bit of our communicating in public, but when it comes to talking about sex, most people need privacy. This can be a hard thing to find when living in any kind of institutional setting. Even if there aren't actual rules against privacy, there are usually many unspoken restrictions on having time alone or having time with one other person. Even nonverbal communication can be intercepted easily.