The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (16 page)

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Far from being second best, or the kind of sex people have when they can't have "real" sex, masturbation can be a tool for expanding sexual experience and knowledge. It is also the most frequently performed sex act in the world.

How can masturbation have such positive effects? First, it usually allows us to have a little more privacy than when we have sex with a partner. Having fewer distractions means we can focus more on our own feelings, how our body is responding and when. It means we won't be caught up in someone else's reactions or sexual agenda. Most people experience some form of performance anxiety when they are having sex with someone else. Thoughts about being good enough, attractive enough, saying the right thing, doing the right thing, smelling the right way, all serve to distract us from the point of having sex: feeling pleasure and experiencing our own responses and reactions (as well as that of others, if they are involved). So self-pleasuring may feel less pressured than other kinds of sex. When partners are involved we also give up a certain amount of control. Even if we can control our own body and responses, we don't know what the other person or persons will do. When we are alone, even if we use someone to assist in parts of it, we don't have as many unknowns. This is especially important if we don't know what to expect from our own sexual response—maybe because of a major change due to trauma, or if by chance we have never been sexual at all.

People who are able to have orgasms, but never have, often find that exploring their sexuality without a partner gives them the time, the control over the pace of the activity, and the ability to make adjustments in what they are doing that can lead to orgasm.

Masturbation is important to me. Times when /Ve felt too tired for partner sex, it is still comforting to masturbate. And before my current relationship, when my illness made it difficult to meet people, so that I thought I wouldn't find someone to date, I also took comfort in knowing that I could still masturbate. When I feel too sick to masturbate, I know I'm "really" feeling bad.

I enjoy masturbation because I get "stressed" and do it to keep from making future relationship mistakes. I use a back-scratcher to reach because my disability limits my range of arm movements. I usually also do it when someone (caregiver or folks) thinks I am doing something else. I also take part in cybersex when I find someone I feel is trustworthy.

When I first got hurt, masturbation was an issue. I would get an erection by fondling myself and jack off as hard and fast as I could. But every time I always ended up with a swelled penis and basically hurting myself. Nothing happened, so it ended up being a joke that sometimes bothered me a hell of a lot. Mostly because an erection and jacking off at that stage of my life was important.

Hell, ye^ / love it! First had an orgasm when I was about six or seven and became an expert by the age of twelve. Still masturbate now about twice a week and thoroughly enjoy floating off on my special sexual fantasies, usually about people I know.

Your Own Time

Privacy is something nondisabled people often take for granted. It can be very hard to access, though, when one is living with a disability or chronic illness. But private moments can still be carved out of most lives.

Even though I am often by myself, I never know when someone will walk in on me. I may look back and think, "I've just had half an hour to myself, I could have masturbated," but the time wasn't guaranteed. It isn't really my time.

Start by taking inventory of your privacy. If you live in a group home, boarding house, nursing home, or institution, or even if you rely on a pool of attendants whom your neighbors also rely on, chances are you have either no privacy at all or precious little. Look at your day and identify the times when you can count on being alone. Are there any workers

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who you think are enlightened enough to support your request for more privacy? If this isn't possible at first, consider the fact that as you fight for your rights others may begin to do so as well, and eventually you might get some results. If you are needing support or more information on advocating for your rights to privacy, contact your local center for independent living (see chapter 14 for contacts).

Even with all the privacy in the world, some people may still feel ashamed that they masturbate. They may have been taught as children that touching themselves makes them dirty, or may have been punished for touching themselves. Childhood trauma, such as sexual abuse or medical procedures to their genitals, can also make masturbation feel like a shameful act to some. We may also feel our bodies are not worth pleasuring because of the many negative messages we get from our disability-phobic society. So, when creating a private space, we can make an attempt not just to shut out the external world, but also to leave the shame out in the cold too.

Other people may have hours and hours alone, but have never set aside any of it as special time. They may spend much of their time by themselves feeling lonely and do not "seize the moment" for some private, quiet time. The important thing about private time is that it is intentional. Note the difference between time devoted to yourself, and time devoted to avoiding other things. Private time is time you set aside with the clear understanding with yourself that this time is for you to increase the pleasure in your life. Betty Dodson, the author of Sex for One (considered by many to be the masturbation "bible"), writes about how we constantly carve out specific time for other people, friends, family, even doctors, because doing things for others, or reporting to them, is considered important and worthy of devoting time to. Yet we rarely treat time alone with the same respect. One of Dodson's first instructions to improve your own sex life is to make a date with yourself—get excited about being alone and sexual with yourself as if it's a new thing. Treat solo sexual exploration with as much thought and respect as you treat exploration with a partner.

Time alone is also time you can devote to experience feelings in the parts of your body that don't cause you pain or discomfort. Because pain

can be so overwhelming, you may only feel the pain, thus missing out on other, pleasurable sensations.

When the pain from my occipital nerve flares it's like the rest of my body doesn't exist. My whole body changes to compensate for the pain (muscles tighten, posture shifts, even my facial expressions are different) and I usually don't realize this until after the pain has gone and all of the sudden I become aware of other parts of my body and of how sore they are.

Getting Started

As a paraplegic, masturbation was a bit of a learning experience filled with trial and error. I have no sensation in my skin from the waist down, so masturbating the way most men do was simply not going to work for me. Over the years, starting in my teens I have discovered which parts of my body were sensitive to erotic touch and would help me to come to climax. My nipples are a very erogenous zone. I have also found the skin of my inner thighs, where I do have some sensation, is also a place I can touch and caress to give myself pleasure. Due to the nature of my disability I have not been able to ejaculate. I do, however, still experience the other sensations of orgasm. So I don't feel that the lack of ejaculation is that big of a deal.

We define self-pleasuring as any kind of sex play designed by you, that you initiate, where you are both the giver and receiver of pleasure. Having a sex fantasy in the middle of the day is masturbation. Having phone sex and getting turned on by the talk is masturbation. Having your attendant put a vibrator on (or near) you and leave the room so that you can play with it is masturbation. Going out and renting an adult video to watch, or streaming a scene to your computer, is masturbation. Arranging yourself just so in the bath or shower to have the water hit you where you like is masturbation. Sneaking off to the washroom at a meeting to jerk off is masturbation.

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The first step is to find somewhere private and relax. If you don't have access to time alone, privacy might mean closing your eyes and pretending to be asleep. Start with relaxing your breathing, making it slow and steady, with a long exhalation. Your breathing will change with excitement, but you want to start relaxed. Try to remove any distractions (if you left the tap dripping, or forgot to take your meds, attend to it now, so that your mind isn't drawn back to it).

If you already have sexual fantasies or thoughts, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What sparks my fantasies? Are there sounds, smells, sights, textures, or memories that take me into a fantasy?

When I want to get turned on there are some memories I go back to. The smell of the aftershave that a boyfriend used, the feeling of my hand on a guy's bum. Since I have very little vision, my fantasies are never about how someone looks. It's mainly my memories of how things have felt, and imagining things I haven't tried. But I can always get going with these thoughts.

• Are my fantasies vague or specific?

• What do I like to fantasize about?

• What am I wearing, and where am I?

I've always wanted to dress up in a really slutty outfit for sex. But all those things look like they would be difficult to manage with my arthritis. I do have some satin underwear that feels great, but I want more. So in my fantasies I have on one of those merry widow things. Sometimes I have a G-string on too, sometimes nothing else. I see myself looking in the mirror. Sometimes just imagining the look of that is all I need; other times there is another person in the fantasy telling me that I look like a slut and that I turn him on. Sometimes if I want to go really slowly I start all covered up with a robe or flannel pajamas and then slowly peel my clothes off.

• Is one sensation prominent in my fantasies?

• Am I alone or are there other people with me?

• What is everyone in the fantasy doing?

We can use fantasy alone as a way of self-pleasuring, and can take ideas from fantasies to try in other kinds of sex play

Sometimes I like to masturbate when I feel stressed at work. I go to the wheelchair bathroom near my office to get off. I like to put my wheelchair facing the toilet bowl and then put one leg on the toilet seat, resting it against the grab bar. I move my bum toward the edge of the seat, lean back into the chair, and hike up my skirt. I usually start off with one fantasy that gets me hot pretty fast 'cause I only have so much time before getting back to my desk. I start rubbing my breasts through my bra until my nipples get hard. After I rub my nipples, I like to start rubbing my crotch on the outside of my underwear. When I am horny I notice a different kind of feeling in my body My breathing gets faster and shallow and I get more excited at the thought that I could be heard by others outside of the washroom. When I come I feel my body totally relaxes but I also feel like I have more energy. I don't feel so stressed. When I masturbate at home, there is a different feeling because then I can take my time and focus on my whole body and how it feels but in the meantime, this does the trick.

If you haven't ever had a sexual fantasy go ahead and set up a scenario. Imagine a place where you might feel sexual. Add in sounds, smells, or sights that might turn you on. Imagine what you are wearing, any sex toys you might want to have around. Then add in a sexual situation, either on your own or with another person or persons, and see where it goes.

What to Use

/ started jerking off when I was living at the group home. I learned to do it quickly because I shared a room with another guy and didn't always have a lot of quiet time to myself. Now I live on my own

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and take all the time I need. On the weekends, I like to stay in bed late. I get the staff to help me lie on my side with a pillow between my legs. I have use of one hand and use the pillow as friction when I'm rubbing my penis. I like the changes in my body when I begin to breathe slow and then when it gets faster because I am getting hornier. My fantasies are about my girlfriend going down on me, and others are about her and me having sex with other people. Even though I like to take my time, sometimes I come really hard and fast. I think I come fast because when I lived in the group home I did not know when someone would come.

Before I got sick, my favorite way to masturbate was to put a rolled-up pillow between my thighs and squeeze rhythmically. The way I placed the pillow, it would put pressure on my whole crotch. Then I got sick and ended up paraplegic. I still have feeling all over. I've been searching around for a way to get the kind of orgasms I had before. With my fingers my orgasm is more just in my clit. I got a vibrator, but it seems too fast —/ hardly have a chance to start breathing heavy before I come. I tried putting my pillow between my legs and pushing on it with my hand, but I couldn't get enough pressure going. But then I found a smaller pillow that is quite firm. I place it the same way and press on it with my hand. I like doing this while I have a small, egg-shaped vibrator in my vagina as far up as I can get it. It isn't exactly the same feeling, but I really like it. In my city the only store that sells sex toys that I would feel comfortable going to isn't accessible, so I ordered the vibrators on the Internet.

No rules govern what you can and can't use to masturbate. Some tools for masturbation include fantasy, hands and fingers, pillows or stuffed animals, feathers, sex toys, and water. Water can be used by directing a hose, spa jet, or shower massager at the genitals. Both men and women enjoy the feeling of a well-placed blast of water. It is important not to direct the water into the vagina or anus. People who use shower chairs can have an adapter welded on that will hold the hose so that it can be aimed at the right spot. Make sure you have a good shower

curtain, especially if you are holding the hose yourself, as there is a tendency to drop it when coming and it will spray all over. More details are given in chapter 9, all about sex toys.