The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (17 page)

Finding Your Hot Spots

Now, masturbation consists of rubbing my chest, nipples in circular motions, rubbing underneath my balls in the crotch softly (sounds different, especially with no feeling), but there seems to be "buttons" that are pushed that makes my chest area feel good when I rub my crotch area. There is a relaxing, comfortable feeling that I get. I can't exactly explain why, but it is there. And most important is that it makes me feel good.

Remember the exercises in chapter 3, where we asked you to explore your whole body in whatever way you could, figuring out where you like to be touched and how? This is where you put what you learned into action.

There aren't any rules. You can try a variety of positions. You can fantasize without touching, touch without fantasizing, or do both together. You can go slow or fast. You don't have to have an orgasm, but it is fine to have orgasm as a goal too. Solo sex is like piano playing: The key thing is to practice, practice, practice.

If you are on a medication that decreases your interest in sex, or you have a condition that leaves you feeling tired most of the time, you can still masturbate. It is quite possible to get sexually excited even when you are lukewarm about the idea of masturbating. One might wonder, "Why masturbate if I don't feel like it?" We can be willing to do something without being really enthusiastic about it. Some people might masturbate without being really charged up about it because they want the relaxation that comes afterward, or to distract themselves from pain or worries, or just to see what it will be like.

/ find I have different feelings in my body depending on the time of day. I used to often jerk off in the morning, because I would wake

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up with a hard-on. But it was always really rushed, because my attendant was coming and I didn't want to be caught in the act. But I did find that it got me energized, and I still do it a few times a week. Now I masturbate more at night. It means I've been going to sleep sticky because I haven't gotten up the nerve to ask to have a washcloth left for me, but I like it because I go much slower and the orgasm seems to happen in more of my body It isn't as much a big explosion. I fall asleep incredibly fast afterward.

Orgasm for people who live with spinal cord injuries (SCI) usually requires a much longer period of stimulation than it did before injury. The majority of people living with SCI report sexual satisfaction even if they do not experience orgasm. Women living with SCI may find that stimulation of the cervix may increase their chance of having an orgasm. It can be difficult to reach the cervix with a finger, so a sex toy might be of help (see chapter 9).

Solo Sex with Others

Intercourse is painful and difficult for me, so we avoid it. We do all kinds of other stuff. I love having him watch me masturbate and also watching him masturbate. Sometimes one of us will tell a sexy story at the same time.

Masturbation is not always a solitary pursuit. Although we encourage everyone to start by themselves, so that they have the privacy to experiment, figure things out, and have sexual time that is all theirs, masturbation can also be very pleasurable as a shared activity. It can be a way to show your partner what you like, as well as learn what they like. Watching and being watched can be a real turn-on. Some women like to masturbate during intercourse. For others, it is a way to deal with one partner's fatigue.

Yes, yes, yes, I love masturbation! It was truly my greatest fear as an adolescent that I wouldn't have a sex life at all, and it was the

greatest gift of my life to realize this was not the case. Through my sexual relationships I have learnt more about myself and my attitudes to my body and done more self-healing than in any other area of my life. As far as this changing over time...well, no, if anything my love for my sexual expression has become more intense and more important than it was when I was fourteen, when its intensity filled my universe. I hope to remain an intensely sexually exploring woman for all my life.

The Basic "How-To's" of Masturbation

There is no right or wrong way to masturbate. Because we're all different, it's hard to suggest specific techniques that will work for you. But here are some pointers to keep in mind:

1. Keep it wet. Use lots of lubricant, spit, or water. Almost everything feels better when it's slick and slippery.

2. Know your body. If you haven't already, we encourage you to go back now to chapter 3 and try out some of the exercises. They are intended to help you get to know your body. You need to figure out what feels good where. If you love having your neck rubbed, then make that the focus of your next masturbation session. If it's your clitoris or nipples that drive you wild, go for it.

3. Mix up the sensation. Sexual pleasure can come from friction (rubbing), vibrations, pressure, heat, or cold. Pressure can be applied with fingers, pillows, chair arms, stuffed animals, crutches, anything. Vibration can come from a vibrator, a shaking alarm clock, pulsating shower massager, or the edge of a washing machine. Try different kinds of feelings: pressing against something feels very different than hitting a part of your body, or lightly tickling it with a feather.

4. Penetration or external stimulation? People use either or both when they masturbate. Penetration can be with fingers, dildos and harnesses, or household objects (see chapter 9). You can turn yourself on externally by squeezing your thighs, positioning yourself in a particular way, or any of the ideas listed above (using water in the bath-

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tub or shower seemed a particularly popular idea from our survey respondents).

One of the hardest things about creative masturbation is that so few people talk about it, making it challenging to learn from others' experiences. There are two websites devoted to masturbation, one for women, www.clitical.com, and one for men, www.jackinworld.com. Check out these sites for other tips and masturbation discussion, and if you've found a great way to get yourself off, write in and share your discoveries.

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stuff/' we will just mention again that good communication is a key to good sex.

Once my husband and I had great sex just after I bought a low cut top and wore it with a push-up bra. Now, when I want sex and don't feel like I can just say it, I put on that bra and top. Hell walk into the room and see me and I can see he's getting an erection because he knows what I want, which gets me even more turned on.

Good communication won't necessarily happen on the first date. While some people find it exciting to have sex soon after meeting someone, most people find that sex works better if they have developed ways of communicating first.

Devices that we use for communication may be inadequate for communicating about sex, and it can take some courage to ask to have your computer programmed with sex words, or a special Bliss board made with this vocabulary in mind. Many people communicate visually while having sex, which is helpful if you can't use words, but a challenge to people who are visually impaired. There are nonverbal, nonvisual ways of communicating what you are feeling and what you want. Touch can be used spontaneously, and by asking for it ahead of time, you can agree that touching certain parts of your partner means "Yes, yes, go on," while touching other parts means "No, this isn't doing it for me at all." You can also alternate pressure, so that a light touch may mean that what's going on is nice and a firm touch means that you want more now. If you haven't arranged signals beforehand, you can just put your hand over your partner's and guide it to where you want, then indicate what kind of pressure you want used.

Anxiety

People worry about sex. We worry about whether we will be able to figure out what to do. We worry about how we look. We worry about being rejected. We worry about having an asthma attack, stroke, or heart

attack during sex. We worry that our disability will stop us from doing something we want to do.

All of this anxiety can decrease our pleasure in sex play (hey now you can worry about that, too!). What will help with this is reassuring yourself that you will be able to figure it out, that your partner is interested in who you are, how you smell and feel and taste rather than how you look. Deep, slow breathing can also help if you are getting really anxious.

Some of the things that happen during sex are the same things that happen with anxiety—raised heart rate, sweating, fast breathing—and people who have had panic attacks may be worried that they are getting an attack. These symptoms (especially shallow, quick breathing) are also similar to some asthma symptoms and can cause similar worries. People living with asthma who think these feelings are from asthma, not excitement, can slow down, have a puff or two of medication, and use pillows to keep the chest and head elevated.

Expectations

If we think there is a certain way that we must have sex, or an outcome that is essential for satisfaction, then we are missing opportunities for enjoyment, expression, and increased self-knowledge. Our needs change over time, with age, changing levels of disability, and maturity. We can accommodate these changing needs by being open to a variety of experiences and outcomes.

It is spontaneous each time. I used to get stuck, needing orgasm, needing penetration, etc. Now, my sexuality has matured to a place that experimentation and spontaneity make sex rich. For example, one of the greatest highs I get (full-body orgasms? or spiritual-like orgasms ?) is from having my neck bit, though I have sensation over my whole body

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Timing

When I feel good I'm a very sexual person, but when I hurt I feel like sex is a chore and not a pleasure. When I feel good I see myself as a playful partner. I feel good about being with someone, but on the days the pain is worse I don't want to be touched. And that's sometimes hard for my partner to understand. Sometimes she thinks I'm mad at her. As my disease progresses I feel less sexual, but that doesn't mean I'm not still interested, just that my partner has to sometimes wait till I feel like sex.

Timing is always important. There are very few people who are always eager to have sex. We need to do other things in life, like sleeping and eating and going to work or to the park. Times of stress are often times when people don't want to have sex, although some people find sex to be a way to relieve stress. Letting your partner know some general guidelines about when you might be interested in sex can be helpful. You can tell them if there is a time of day when you are more interested, or at which times in your menstrual cycle. Unless you speak up it may not be otherwise apparent that you hate having sex when you are tired or in pain.

Try to pay attention to timing messages from a partner. If you don't pick up on these messages, you may end up feeling rejected when your offers of sex are turned down, merely because it is a less auspicious time for them to have sex.

Spontaneity

Successful spontaneity often happens as a result of careful planning. This may seem contradictory, but totally spontaneous sex is often disappointing and can even be dangerous. The idea that sex should be unplanned has led to numerous unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, hurt feelings, and unsatisfying encounters. When we figure out in advance what we need to be safe and enjoy ourselves, and

then communicate it to our partners, we have developed a framework within which there is infinite possibility. People tend to see this need for planning as a negative thing, but it is really an opportunity to expand our sexual horizons. Regardless of disability it can be a good idea to plan ahead for sex.

In the past my sex life consisted of going to a bathhouse, making my way to a dark room, or the sauna without my wheelchair. I would get another man off by giving him head or jerking him off. However, this kind of sex was mostly one-sided. My partner got off.

When I broke my neck at twelve, I never thought about sex, and rehab hospitals never even mentioned it to married couples for another eight to ten years. I have surgical scars all over my body and no muscle tone, so I look flabby Plus, sex tends to be spontaneous, but when disability comes, spontaneity goes. It's gotten worse as the number of surgeries have increased.

Energy

Because my energy is so limited, usually having sex means choosing not to do some other activity later in the day. For instance, if we fool around on a Saturday morning, I can't get out of bed and go out to brunch afterward, and I may or may not be able to go to a movie that night. I have to rest. Also, I often want to fool around even when I'm feeling very exhausted. So sometimes we choose to have what I call "tired sex," where I do less, am less active, and have to be lying down all the time. With "tired sex" it can be difficult to get turned on — touching feels good at the specific spot being stimulated, but the pleasure doesn't spread to a more global escalation of excitement. And it can be hard to come if I'm very exhausted, even if I think I feel turned on. Even when I'm feeling energetic enough to have more

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active sex, I'm restricted to less-strenuous positions —/ can't stand up, I can't take weight on my arms, etc.

People living with lupus, kidney failure, arthritis, heart disease, and other chronic conditions may get tired easily and may be too fatigued to be interested in sex or to put any interest into action. Figuring out priorities becomes important. On certain days it becomes more important to get the grocery shopping done than to have sex, but on another day this might be reversed.

If you seem to have less energy than usual for sex, you might want to figure out why this is happening. Is your condition worsening? Are you getting less exercise? Are there problems in your relationship? Have your medications changed? Are you feeling depressed?

One of the problems with low energy is that a partner may assume that your claim that you're too tired to have sex really means you're not interested in them sexually. Partners will typically want to be reassured about this, and more than once.