The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (33 page)

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not to use a certain fantasy in an actual sexual encounter, but there's no harm in letting yourself explore it in the privacy of your mind.

Finding Partners

As always, this can be the tricky part. You have many things to consider when looking for a suitable partner.

Online

Some people participate in S/M play only online. Online play can be a good way to get started. It is a safe way to meet people with similar interests and explore your desires without having the risk of a real-life encounter that might be too much.

In his book S/M 101: A Realistic Introduction, Jay Wiseman writes that it is best to start by finding someone you are personally compatible with, as opposed to someone with a specific shared interest. Think about the kind of person you can imagine playing with. S/M play is intense and personal, so it usually means that you need to know the person at least a bit before playing with them. If you find someone who shares your interests but with whom you have nothing else in common, it probably won't work out so well, nor last very long.

In chapter 14 we list some of the larger resources for meeting people in the S/M community. The information in chapter 4 about meeting people through ads and online dating websites applies to finding S/M partners as well. The other main place to find partners is in clubs.

S/M Clubs and Fetish Nights

Most major cities have an active S/M club that holds regular parties. These clubs usually have some equipment and have staff who ensure that everything going on is safe and that if people need assistance they get it. Many of these clubs hold a regular "fetish night." They usually impose a dress code on these nights, but that doesn't mean you have to have a $2,000 outfit to get in. It just means you can't wear jeans or regular street clothes. It's a good idea to call ahead and find out what

their dress code is, whether they have change rooms there to switch out of your street clothes, and to ask about accessibility. If you try one place and it is inaccessible, be sure to ask them if they know of any groups that hold accessible events and suggest that they start doing so too.

/ went to a fetish party a number of years ago that was in a relatively accessible location —/ only had to go up two stairs instead of a flight of them (what I call "pretend accessible"). I really wasn't sure what to expect but was pleasantly surprised. There were all types and shapes of bodies and it felt quite easy for me to be there. I really just wanted to watch for the first time and people were fine with that. There were others there too who were just "watching" and they would make room for me with my walker so I could get close without my being the center of attention. I have been trying to find play parties that are accessible and where I can go without bringing someone with me who isn't going to be my partner. This has not always been easy but at times, getting assistance from someone while I'm there has facilitated my connecting with current play partners.

Online Clubs and Social Groups

A lot of online discussion groups are S/M themed. Some get very specific. When you find a group you think you might like, just hang back and observe for a bit to find out if it's a safe place to be and to get a sense of how group members interact.

Negotiating a Scene

Once you've found someone you want to play with, you can begin to negotiate the scene. This includes where you want to play, establishing safewords, safety, what you want to do, and aftercare.

S/M is something most people do at home, either theirs or their partner's. This can be an issue for people living in an institutional setting, because you never know who is going to just walk in. S/M clubs usually

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provide a space where you can play privately or some people like to be watched and so they play in the club's public spaces.

Dealing with other people's ideas about what is okay for a disabled person, and what isn't, can be a big issue if you chose to try public S/M.

My partner doesn't look disabled and I use a wheelchair. The few times we've played in public (with me as a bottom) she has had people come up to her afterwards and actually say to her they think she's crossing a line. Like somehow because I'm in a wheelchair I can't be a powerful bottom. It's also ridiculous because she is disabled too, they just don't know that. The first time it happened I was so angry I didn't want to go back to that club at all.

I'm a bottom and it's hard for me to find people to top me. I think even the few people who would are worried about what other people will say about them.

Having found the place and established your intent, you also need to agree on your safewords. You should think about this before you meet: Think of words, gestures, or sounds that you will be able to remember when you are excited or scared. Again, if you anticipate communication being an issue, you may want to come up with two different ways to utter your safeword.

Now you can talk about what you want to do. This is a good time to tell the person anything you have learned from previous experience, especially about anything that you don't want them to say or do. Your plan doesn't have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as 'I'd like you to spank me." Go into as much detail as you need to get what you want. If you wish to act out a fantasy, then discuss your roles and a plan for how it will go.

Incorporated into this planning will be a discussion of safety issues. This should include any information about your disability that you think is relevant for the scene you are planning. You are not required to disclose your entire medical history, although some partners seem to expect

this. If you are on any medication; if you have any communication obstacles, allergies, fatigue issues, or problems related to bruising or bleeding; or if you are not able to monitor your own body responses, then it is important to discuss these with a partner and come up with plans to deal with all safety issues.

Because S/M play can bring up many feelings and memories, it is important to decide what will happen once the scene is over. Do you want your partner to hang around after the scene to debrief, just talk, or do something completely unrelated to the scene? Do you need to be alone for a while, but then want the freedom to call and talk about it? If a scene becomes emotional for you, do you like to be touched or held when you are upset, or do you need space to feel safe?

Positions for S/M Play

As with other sexual activities, there are many possible positions for S/M, most of which can be adapted with pillows, furniture, and imagination.

When I do play I can't play standing up or bent over. Basically my back needs to be straight. I have a lot of problems with female tops because so many seem to tie their involvement in the BDSM scene to ego and have a hard time accepting the fact that they can't do whatever they want when they play with me. I don't suffer fools gladly and on several occasions I've verbally skewered several.

I like to be spanked before we have intercourse, it gets me really excited. I don't have a lot of strength. Sometimes I lie on the bed on my belly but it can be hard to breathe that way So usually I kneel on the couch with my belly up against the couch back with my arms over the back of the couch. That way I'm supported and not distracted by concentrating on holding myself up or breathing.

If using the position described above, make sure the couch is well padded along the top where the frame is, so that there isn't too much

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TIPS FROM A TOP

I can make sure the bottom is bound in a position I can easily reach from a sitting position. Making sure the bottom is lower than I am helps, since I can use gravity to my advantage.

I can use knives, ice, wax, electricity (something I really want to learn more about and collect toys for), clamps, clothes pins, and so on...they take little physical effort for me and have wonderful effects on the bottom. With a blindfold, the possibilities become even more, as the mind will imagine much worse than is actually happening.

If the play becomes sexual, I have to carefully choose my position in order to not get too tired or injure myself...but the options are limitless.

Remember to explore the psychological, not just the physical. The possibilities are even more limitless, as Domming is much more in the mind than the body. Possibilities include all of what I listed above as a top, plus: having the sub do service, getting into her mind, doing role-play, sensation play.

pressure on the skin or on the circulation. You can pad the top with a folded towel or blanket. You can also sit backward or sideways on a kitchen chair.

People who can't kneel can try lying on a bed face down and place a pillow or two under the abdomen and pelvis, leaving the ass up a bit. The feet can be secured together or apart. Or the top can actually lie on their back with the bottom on top of them. The top can reach around to spank or cane the back and sides of the bottom's body.

Some people are comfortable draped over those big balls that physical therapists use.

Some people are more comfortable lying on one side. The legs can be curled up or kept straight, giving access to the ass, thighs, stomach, and back.

Self-care is very important in S/M play, and there is no technique or toy that is good for everyone. As always, foresight and experimentation

are your best bet. There are no rules about who is allowed to do what, and there are no "conventions of disability correctness" that must be followed.

Chapter 9 has a section about sensation toys. All sex toys are really sensation toys, but these are the ones that aren't intended to penetrate or be penetrated. They include paddles, whips, floggers, feather boas, ice cubes, fans, and anything else that will produce an interesting feeling. Always familiarize yourself with toys before you use them. Make sure you get the feeling you want and that they don't have dangerous edges. Check out the grip. See what the weight is like and decide whether you can handle it. Certain toys (such as electrical toys and certain kinds of restraints) may remind you of nonconsensual experiences, in an unpleasant way.

Toys that clip on to the body, like clothes pegs, nipple clamps, and many toys made for "cock and ball torture," instead of being swung, like whips and paddles, may be easier to use if strength is an issue, but coordination and hand strength are more important for these. Light toys are easier to swing, such as a crop instead of a flogger.

Restraints should not rub and should be easy to release. "Panic snaps" are available for some restraints and allow for quick release from bondage.

/ used to be an extremely heavy SIM player as a bottom. Before my disease became serious I was able to transmute pain into pleasure. Now because of my disease even light play is rather painful.

I got home one night and my girlfriend told me to go upstairs and lie on the bed in the dark with no clothes on. I lay there for what seemed like a long time, my ears straining to hear something. Then all of a sudden, there was a loud noise (she told me after that she had dropped a book on the floor) and then she spanked me very softly all over my back and bum and legs. I didn't know where I would feel it next or if she would start spanking me harder. It was very exciting.

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Canes and rods of Delrin or Lexan are flexible and light. They can be handled easily and come in a variety of lengths so that they can be used even if you are unable to get very close. A cane can be strapped to a hand or arm for someone who can move their arm but is unable to grip. Feathers can be used to tickle or stroke. Ice cubes can provide a surprising feeling and can be used by most people. If there is difficulty gripping, a Popsicle maker can be used to make larger ice cubes with a handle. Ice should, however, not be used on areas of poor circulation or held by anyone who has Raynaud's syndrome (where the fingers or toes go numb and white when exposed to cold or vibrations).

Melted wax produces an intense, hot sensation but is not hot enough to burn most people's skin. If you are interested in experimenting with hot wax, it's best to use plain white candles, as colored candles tend to melt at a higher temperature and will be more likely to burn.

Rubber gloves worn when spanking will increase the sensation and are often used by people who don't have enough energy to spank as hard as they would like. If latex allergies are a concern, several types of nonrubber gloves are on the market that feel the same and have the same impact (see chapter 12). Metal fingernails (or even banjo picks) can be run along the skin.

Temporary piercing is said to produce an endorphin rush. It is important to make sure that anything you use is very clean. Do not use the same needle on more than one person. Be very careful about the part of the body that is pierced. Piercing should not be done on anyone with a bleeding disorder.

If you are a top and can't move around easily, you can have the bottom do the moving as part of psychological dominance.

At its core, S/M is about exploring our desires, it's about opening ourselves up to more of who we are sexually, and it's about communication. It's unfortunate that in our culture so many negative ideas are attached to S/M. And while it isn't a kind of sexual expression that is for everyone, most of us can probably find a part of our lives where S/M ideas and practices can offer us new possibilities for personal expression.

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It's important to get as much information as you can (knowing that access may be limited and you have the right to act without having all the information available to others) and then make decisions based on assessing the risk. Risk is hard for most of us to really understand, because if you have a negative consequence, you have it 100 percent. And if you don't, it's zero. So, when someone says, "You have a 10 percent risk of X," how can we really get it? At least if we know what the risks are, we can say, "It would be terrible for X to happen and I will avoid it at all costs," or "I don't really want Y to happen, but there is a low risk and a high chance of something good happening. I can make the risk even lower by protecting myself in some way, so I'll do that." Of course, much of the time, we can't tell you what the risk is for any activity. It is hardly ever as clear as "If you jump off a twenty-five-story building you will almost surely die."